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Different perspective 2.0

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Marz posted 9/6/2019 21:29 PM

I will collect enough of these unanswered emails and then seek an order that we both have to attend a compulsory coparenting course .

Perfect. It's an action versus talk

She's pissed because you aren't pandering to her.

NoOptTo posted 9/7/2019 05:52 AM

Like your course of action ATG. Please keep in mind that you may have to parallel parent rather than co-parent with your XWW. If her narc tendencies prove to get the best of her since it's all about her, you are and will find that less contact and information exchanged with her will be valuable to you. You do what you want with the kids. But with less contact with the XWW, you will need to be more vigilant with finding out information from the schools, sports, etc that your kids are involved in. Your XWW isn't sharing proper information so you will have to get it yourself if things keep progressing in this direction towards parallel parenting.

ibonnie posted 9/7/2019 08:40 AM

But with less contact with the XWW, you will need to be more vigilant with finding out information from the schools, sports, etc that your kids are involved in. Your XWW isn't sharing proper information so you will have to get it yourself if things keep progressing in this direction towards parallel parenting.

If you haven't already, reach out to their school(s?), any teams they're on, any of their regular friends and make sure the administration/teachers/coaches/parents have yoir contact information and are aware that you should be send any information that they're sending home to your XW as well.

You could even include a neutral statement saying something like, "As you may know XW and I are now divorced, and are figuring out how to co-parent going forward. In an effort to keep both XW and I informed, please make sure you send all communication to BOTH houses/email addresses. If only one parent is informed, we might forget to inform the other, but contacting us both ensures that both parents are aware of parent/teacher conferences/sports games/birthday parties, etc."

Atg100 posted 9/7/2019 18:29 PM

Thanks thatís good advice .
I normally try not to ask her any questions in emails but with the work rosters, I just have to.
Iíll wait an appropriate time for the response amd then just schedule things in our co-parenting roster, the way I see them.
Then she will have to come out of her hole and say something.
Itís hard work

WhatsRight posted 9/8/2019 19:46 PM

Atg100...How are you? Anything to share?

Hope your silence means all is going well.

Atg100 posted 9/9/2019 00:04 AM

Thanks for checking in.
My ex came back with a fairly detailed response to my questions, so she must have thought it through a bit and realised that ignoring my questions is not a long term solution .
Handover was a little protracted yesterday - I needed her signature on passport applications for the kids. She was quite critical of everything .
Meanwhile the children were eager to tell her what we had done on the weekend , so for the kidís sake I remained friendly.
I donít think she deserves my friendliness - but itís more important to me that the kids donít get upset, when they leave to her .
Her mother texted me today ; what an awesome dad I am, apparently .
I didnít answer

Marz posted 9/9/2019 02:44 AM

You're doing fine. Exchanges with young ones is tough. Always be civil. She is their mother and you want them to be as comfortable as possible. If you don't need anything from her you can cut it shorter.

The MIL is two faced. I'd ignore her too.

paboy posted 9/9/2019 07:20 AM

The exwife must be saying some positive things.. When this is all over, and you can block all of them, life will be so much less stressful.

Hopefully you didn't respond, and open up further conversation.

What has been your decision about communications with the exinlaws? Have you not considered blocking them and only then having to only deal with the ex-wife.

Perhaps a message to say that as the result of our upcoming divorce, further communication is not considered appropriate, and then blocking them.

paboy posted 9/9/2019 07:20 AM

Sorry. Double post.

[This message edited by paboy at 1:31 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 9/9/2019 13:55 PM

I had blocked them.
Canít even remember why I unblocked them - but I have done it again now .
Just like my ex, they only think about themselves

Atg100 posted 9/9/2019 20:02 PM

Every night , I dream of my ex and wake up at 3:30 am.
Unable to sleep afterwards.
All dreams deal with lies and betrayal.
Have done that now for two weeks.
Itís an odd one - I recently thought, how peaceful my life has become and how much better than the awfulness of 2018.
I wouldnít take her back in a million years - I am longing for my children but also know that Iím the better dad without her in my life.
But my subconscious still has some cleaning up to do.
I have a week off from the 21st - we will stay in a simple beach hut on the coast . Usually a change of environment gets me out of my insomnia cycles

steadychevy posted 9/9/2019 20:16 PM

Sounds more like nightmares than dreams to me, Atg. BTDT. It gets better. But it's that ugly word we all hate - time. Time and counselling for me.

Atg100 posted 9/9/2019 20:45 PM

Yes they are nightmares, you are correct.
Time and no contact will heal things slowly I hope.
And itís just reflective of the trauma I have been through - like all other BS here .

ibonnie posted 9/9/2019 21:11 PM

Someone on here suggested I search sleep videos on Youtube. They have all sorts, not like just "rain sounds," but ones that are supposedly healing or help align your chakras or things like that.

I don't know if it's the placebo effect, but I've beem sleeping much deeper since trying it, and if I have nightmares, I don't remember them anymore.

AFL1000 posted 9/9/2019 22:43 PM


Sorry that you are having these dreams/nightmares about your STBXW and her betrayal. Have you spoken to your counsellor/psychologist about these dreams and how they are impacting your sleep? Has the frequency of the dreams increased since you went through mediation. Just wonder if there is some connection with that event.

Also I wonder, as it was just over one year ago on 8 September 2018 you made your first post on SI seeking help and advice, is also contributing to the dreams and disrupted sleep.

You have been through a lot in the past year so it is possible your subconscious is replaying all the events you have been through in that time. Again could be a fruitful discussion with your counsellor.

Marz posted 9/9/2019 23:56 PM

I have a week off from the 21st - we will stay in a simple beach hut on the coast .

Perfect. Kids will think it's a great adventure. You need some downtime.

Atg100 posted 9/10/2019 14:19 PM

Yes and I have learned from the negative emotions I experienced on my camping trip:
At that time the long time of just me and the kids, whilst seeing all those other families camping, made me pretty sad.
This time , another single dad and his two kids are coming along for part of it. Our children get on very well, and I have got good company.

I slept a bit longer 4:30 am - this time my dreams dealt with a former ex-partner.
I felt reminded of the movie "inside out", where the emotions in the brain, watch dreams in a kind of cinema. An old topic came out and "fear " just said : " old, not this old chestnut".

I will get there.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:19 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 9/11/2019 19:06 PM

My nightmares/ dreams persist.
Last night I dreamt, we are getting remarried, in the beach hut we are about to go to on holidays.
Iím quite busy throughout the day, have goals which I focus on and achieve - kids, work, sport.
Iím not ďmopingĒ around thinking about her all day and my brain just regurgitates what I have been thinking about all day.
Far from it.
Yet, it comes up every night.
This weekend the kids will be with her .
I will focus on myself and have different things planned .
Hopefully that gets me out of this routine.

Side note - my daughter told me that they tried to call me on FaceTime on Tuesday, but I didnít answer .
I never had a missed call - and as I was on call for work, I knew that I was never out of reception.
I emailed my wife about this - she denies that they tried to ring me.
My daughter doesnít make things like that up.
It looks to me like my wifeís attempt to make me look bad.
I emailed so that my wife knows that Iím aware and that she doesnít try that sort of thing again.
She is a liar, always has been

NoOptTo posted 9/11/2019 21:11 PM

Good to keep a record of things vis email. You may need to have things on record if your XW persists on sabotaging your relationship with your kids.

As for your nightmares, here is a little trick I learn when I was younger. Obviously our dreams are our minds working through our issues. When I would have a reoccurring nightmare/dream, once I recognize it happening, i would alter my thinking to take charge of the dream/nightmare while half asleep. Ex, I would have a bully casing be. Reather then running home to safety, I would think of the bully tripping and falling on his face or running into a group of friends, or standing up to him. For me it was me taking control of my feelings, giving my mind the answers it was looking for.

Hope you find it helpful for you.

Atg100 posted 9/11/2019 23:24 PM

Thanks, I will try anything.
Itís quite interesting though - I had to present a work place audit today and was working on some last minute changes until very late. My mind was occupied with the audit - or so I thought .
Yet , my mind comes up with this nonsense .

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