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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 9/26/2019 21:35 PM

Thanks - I have no temptation to look her up on any social media, let alone dating apps.
Whenever I did in the past , I usually found something awful.
I have traumatic flashbacks from looking at her phone, when we were still together - it always showed some sort of betrayal.
Iíd rather be in no relationship , than in a situation where I have to play marriage police

I donít believe in soul mates either any more.
Relationships need two committed partners who are prepared to do the hard work.
Maybe this shared commitment is what signifies the soul mate.

Marz posted 9/26/2019 21:46 PM

It's good to see you getting where you need to be.

Nothing in that mess for you now.

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 14:49 PM

And I continue to get tested.
You canít even make this shit up anymore.
My wife comes over to collect the kids.
I had everything ready , open the car
And there lies on the passenger seat : emergency contraception, the morning after pill, just picked up from the chemist.
I make the mistake and mention that I saw it.
This starts a discussion that I have no right to criticise her.
I completely agree and told her that she can do whatever she wants. I pointed out that I would appreciate that she can stop using my surname if she is tinder dating for hook ups.
She told me she doesnít want to , unless I agree that the children change their surname too.
I denied that this was a possibility and tell her that the kids can chose when they are 18.

I donít have a huge problem with any of the facts .
But it made me sad, very sad.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 16:38 PM

You haven't learned. No unnecessary contact.

She purposely baited that hook knowing full well you'd chomp down on it. Then she showed you. She's still in control

You are still trying to affect the outcome. Why?

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 16:50 PM

Yes, You are correct .

Then again , if you have unprotected sex on a tinder hook up, the risk for an std is not zero.

Donít know who the winner is .

It just really comes in stages :
I can deal with most shit by now.
Have been unaffected to what I would call stage 5 out of 10 problems.
The 10 out of 10 still baffles me ;
I will get stronger in the end .

Marz posted 9/29/2019 17:09 PM

Then again , if you have unprotected sex on a tinder hook up, the risk for an std is not zero.

Yes it is. Can you make her stop being wreckless?

Can you keep her from using dating sites?

Is it any of your business now?

You react instead of think. Which just keeps you in the mess.

Bud, she's been doing this for a long time. Even when you were married. Do you really think she's gonna stop now?

This is who she is. Until you recognize that you'll keep yourself hooked.

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 18:18 PM

Look - I know .

The wave like coming and going of my sadness, often triggered by her NPD is soon coming to a point where I now think that - despite all the excellent advice I get her and also from a psychologist, I am not always coping.
This always results in insomnia which makes everything worse.
Personally , I agree - no contact and not giving a damn is the super power which gets me out of this mess.
But to be honest - for me , itís time for antidepressants and a good go and or a psychiatrist .
I have all the tools - the books, the advice , the mindset.
But Iím not right .
Iíll make an appointment and see someone about it.
I have to see if such crutch my help me out

LizM posted 9/29/2019 18:30 PM

I think youíre right to be concerned about this. What if your kids had seen this pill? Your 8 year old is old enough to read and to google things. And itís not unreasonable to think that if word got back to you about her being on Tinder, the kids could overhear something about it too. Other parents could gossip about it, their kids could hear it, and then your kids find out.

The OW in my situation had a troubled teenager who cut himself, and Iím pretty sure his momís behavior contributed to his cutting. Before I found out about the A, she told me a story about how she took her son to the neighborhood pool, and there was a handsome young lifeguard who was hitting on her, trying to hook up with her before he went back to college after his summer break. This guy was literally half her age and just about 4 years older than her son. She was essentially bragging about how this kid was hitting on her, even though she was the one who initiated the conversation by her own admission, and sheís a shameless flirt. No concern on her part that this took place in front of her teenage son, while sheís in the midst of an ugly divorce with his dad, and while sheís already introduced him to another guy sheís been dating.

Also she told me another story about how she was mistaken for a prostitute at a hotel she went to for a networking event, because of how she was dressed and made up. She was proud of it! And thatís how she dressed most days.

So not long after she told me these stories, she tells me about having to take her son in for counseling because heís cutting himself. She of course blames it on his dad, for making the divorce ugly. I really think her promiscuous behavior and attire had plenty to do with it too. I can only imagine that it must be mortifying to see your mom acting like a slut. I mean that would really mess with a childís head.

Maybe it would better to tell your STBXWW that while she is free to be on Tinder and to use morning after pills, but could she please be more discreet about it so the kids donít find out.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 18:47 PM

Sorry but reason and common sense are not what she is going to listen to at this time.

The morning after in plain view was probably a plant (a baited hook for Atg100).

Shes not that stupid.

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 18:48 PM

Thanks our kids are coping at the moment.
But I wonít touch that subject again.
She has to have some responsibility as a mother .
Who knows ? I just want to step away from it once and for all.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 18:49 PM

But to be honest - for me , itís time for antidepressants and a good go and or a psychiatrist .

Nothing wrong with that. We all have our limitations and it's good that you recognize you need help.

Talking to her has never gotten you a thing. What's changed? Nothing so you'll just get more of the same.

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 18:59 PM

You are absolutely right.

AFL1000 posted 9/29/2019 19:28 PM


In reading your post I agree with Marz that this was a premeditated act with the morning after pills. Let's look at her actions.

1. She probably had a hook up over the weekend. (Sorry ATG I know you cannot control what she does but it still hurts.)
2.She knows she has to pick up the kids from you but stops off at the chemist to pick up the morning after pill.
3. She has every opportunity to put the meds in her handbag or at least the car glove box but no she throws them on the passenger seat of the car.
4. You go to the car to help put kids in their seats and lo and behold there are the pills. You being a medical practitioner know immediately what they are.
5. You then get into a discussion about the pills and her hookups and she goes on the defensive and it has the desired impact on you feeling both angry and sad. Plan accomplished.

Of concern as LizM pointed out is that she left prescribed meds in proximity to your kids where your inquisitive kids could reach them. I am sure the kids are totally unaware of what they are but it shows reckless behaviour and potential danger to your kids that she would leave prescription meds where they could get access. That's just shit parenting. It would now raise a question in my mind about what else she may be leaving around the house while the kids are with her.

Unfortunately Australian family law cannot compel her to revert to her maiden name as much as you want her to. She probably wants to retain her married name because if hers is different from the kids people will start asking questions if they are not in the inner circle of people who already know you are getting divorced.

Get the professional support if you think it will help you. Don't put it off.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:34 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

LizM posted 9/29/2019 19:29 PM

The morning after in plain view was probably a plant (a baited hook for Atg100).

Ah, youíre right Marz...itís just awful to think a person can be that toxic and manipulative. So sorry you have to deal with that kind of stuff Atg. Itís gotta be exhausting and no wonder you slipped up and reacted. I think you had been doing well up until this incident and thatís why she had to step up her game.

Marz do you ever get tired of people telling you youíre right

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 19:59 PM

Thanks Liz

It came to a point where I asked myself - how much more can I take?

Today, after reading the help and the posts , I just start to think ďbring it on ď.
I have so far made it through all my worst days, with my integrity intact .
Yes I slipped on Ďno-contactí . But Iím human, and I didnít ask for this shit sandwich . Whenever I think , I have finished the last crumb, no find out that there are second and third serves.

And what will the next thing be ? Surely another relationship ; once she will have foundĒ the oneĒamongst her tinder hook ups.
Iím sure some guy will be paraded in front of me, interact with my children and Iím the one who has to smile and wave.

AFL - I asked my lawyer and he agreed with you.I canít force her to change her name. The law here has so far not done me any favours.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 20:10 PM

Look man we all trip from time to time. It happens so what.

Learn from it. Some of my best lessons were learned the hard way.

I wouldn't worry about it. You've come a long way and you know what to do. Now you just have to get consistent with it.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 20:15 PM

This is always the problem. We spend a lifetime trying to be civil. Ignoring people isn't in our makeup/mindset.

Now for your well being you have to learn to ignore. Not an easy change to make but it is what's needed.

You'll get there. I've seen at least 3 go through this upclose. It does take some time.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 20:18 PM

Iím sure some guy will be paraded in front of me, interact with my children and Iím the one who has to smile and wave.

Yes it's coming. You keep your distance and ignore.

Who says you have to smile and wave? I wouldn't unless it was directed at my kids.

Marz posted 9/29/2019 20:56 PM

Marz do you ever get tired of people telling you youíre right

Too funny

I was young, naive and gullible like a lot.

You get burned you learn.

Atg100 posted 9/29/2019 22:02 PM

I wish the lessons would be over for me.

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