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Different perspective 2.0

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Notthevictem posted 10/1/2019 01:16 AM

Hey man. Spent a while reading to catch up on this thread and I gotta say it sounds like
A. Your ex is a... errr is not very nice. Five bucks your ex with the pills set it up that way so she could turn around and feed the drama llama.
B. The cards you've been dealt here aren't the best but could still be the winning hand.
C. Depression lies.
D. Don't let her reaction control what you do. Wanna go on tinder? Do it. Don't wanna? Don't. She lost the authorization to have a say so.

Ever heard of a band called Stabbing Westward? The got a good song called save yourself that I found really healing.

Ehhh.... not sure if that's really helpful. Even if it ain't, I'm here on the sidelines cheering ya on. Don't give in and don't give up.

Atg100 posted 10/1/2019 06:08 AM

It is really helpful.
Firstly, you offer good advice and kindness.
That is why I am coming here.

And I think you are correct, the cards I have been dealt, can lead to a winning outcome.
I don't mean winning against her.

I already know that she is a broken person, who tries to find happiness on tinder.
I have also "won" against her in the financial separation. And there is some good long term health in it. How many single dads are struggling with finances or have to sell their house?
I don't, and that's not by chance or luck.
I took the matter very serious, she tried her narcissistic ways and it didn't work.


However: I have learnt that this is a journey within - and if I play my cards right, I will come out a better person in the end.
I am not there yet, by any means.

But - it is a realistic goal to say:
Once I have overcome the emotional struggle and have learnt my lesson, I will be a better person.
That's winning.


Regarding the dating.
I was just out with a married mate:
He said " Today you went for a bike ride before work, then you went indoor climbing with me after work, and now were eating chicken wings. That won't happen regularly, when you are in a relationship"

The other thing he said is "
You are a consultant physician with good income and you are not too mad. You will be a asset in the dating market. Play it at the right time"

All true and worth contemplating

Atg100 posted 10/1/2019 15:40 PM

After a further night of contemplating .
And some good sleep !

I have come to the conclusion that I needed Sunday’s lesson.
My ex is a human being with desires and wants.
Complicated by narcissism .
She is very attractive , of course she will have an active sex life.

If I wouldn’t have had the evidence of her choices thrown so hard in my face, I would have not have been challenged to accept the facts of what is going on.
Now I can see the lesson, and if I really get the “take home message “ , I will be a step further.
It’s massive, but I guess that’s what they mean by life is suffering.

NoOptTo posted 10/1/2019 16:18 PM

Try a more positive view rather then life is suffering..... how about, life is adapting. Everything in life changes. The ones who adapt quickly enjoy life more. We have seen you change since you first came here ATG. Though you are experiencing some pain, you are still adapting to your new norm. Keep moving forward my friend. We are here to help you.

DoinBettr posted 10/1/2019 16:39 PM

Glad you are going to church.

I didn't want to blow air up your skirt, but yeah, you will be a catch.
You are active, a doctor, who isn't attached, and a good father. Yeah, just go to one of your kids sporting events without your ring and you will be pushing the women away from you.

I would say, don't make your first posting too professional. Maybe some fun shots. Be sure your kids are in them. Put things you are about in them. Then you attract people with like interests.

Also, like I said, maybe go to one of your kid's sporting events/practices. Have coffee with the moms. It will be a group of women in similar situations/stages of life with kids with similar interests. Kind of a win-win and you can always pull the old, "Well I wouldn't want to date the mom of one of my kid's friends. Encase things didn't work out."

Good luck.

Atg100 posted 10/1/2019 16:51 PM

Thanks for your post.
Sunday’s lesson was not so much in church, but the lesson my ex-wife gave me, by leaving the morning after pill in her car.
I needed to learn the facts , to deal with them.

AFL1000 posted 10/1/2019 20:08 PM

Hi ATG

Since Sunday when your STBX left her morning after pills in the car when she came to pick up the kids you have had quite an intense dialogue with SI members about her actions. What is important out of this dialogue has been your self-realisation that she used your love for her against you on many occasions during the marriage and in the separation and divorce process.

You stated that you still have love for her, but this love is for the person you met, fell in love, shared life experiences with and had kids together. That person no longer exists. She lied, she cheated, blameshifted, trickle truthed and embarked on a false reconciliation while still seeing her AP. Her narcissistic, non-empathetic nature was probably always there but the fog of love, and you being the giver and not the taker in the relationship, meant you didn’t see it until her real self was revealed with her affair with Ace and the destruction of the marriage.

Given all that you have been through in the past year your latest posts show us that your head is now overriding your heart. You have made a number of important observations about yourself, and her, which is positive and will continue to move you forward.

Her foray into the online dating scene is as you say nothing you can control. She needs her attractiveness and sexuality validated so pursues hook-ups using what some psychologists call the ‘tryout and discard’ approach. Oh, that one was a dud; NEXT. She doesn’t choose them for “love”. As a narcissist she chooses this path because she cannot bear to be alone and is always after her next ‘validation fix’ because you’re not there to give it to her anymore.

Glad the melatonin tabs are starting to kick in and you are getting a better sleep. A clearer mind, not clouded by sleep deprivation, will help you to better deal with your own emotions and see her continued game playing for what it is.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 10:34 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Lifeitself posted 10/2/2019 03:43 AM

Atg

Was she a devoted and loving wife until last year or was she always a narc?
Also I know it’s not relevant anymore but you mentioned tinder, do you think or know (a friend or yourself may have come accross her profile) that she’s on tinder?

Atg100 posted 10/2/2019 05:34 AM

I know that she is - a friend saw her profile and when I talked to her she said that she was .

But that is her good right, I need to learn to accept that without being emotionally involved.
Big task !

Atg100 posted 10/2/2019 15:06 PM

I had further time to contemplate where to go from here:
I have to come to the conclusion, that my previous attempts to deal with the severe betrayal resulted in being angry and hurt.
Maybe I wanted her to "get it " or was hoping the karma bus would roll her over, as soon as she is without me.

But that is not at all who I am.

If I look at my own emotions then it doesn't help me to be angry. Yes, it helped with the financial separation, I didn't give too much away, because I am stupidly in love, with someone who treats me like a door mat.

But the emotional currency doesn't work that easily.

An approach which is much more true to who I am is:
I used to love this woman.
She is clearly in a struggle, of which I don't want to be part anymore. She needs to figure out her own way. She chose the most nasty and asshole way of going about it, and she is either a narcissist, emotional immature, stupid or a combination of all 3.

So, if I truly love her, I'll let her go, physically, but more importantly emotionally from my heart.
I am not perfect, I have many internal struggles, and maybe I had her on a pedestal, where actually no human being ever belongs.
My expectations were too high - pure love, no faults.

If I accept her as a human being, trying to figuring things out for herself, and making stupid choices, the I can say : Be free and follow your path.
This will allow me to free myself from the anger and hurt - and the love.

Don't worry - I won't be her friend, I won't be her doormat. I am not that stupid.


[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:07 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 10/2/2019 16:06 PM

ATG, you've got to work hard with an IC. The betrayal on top of the emotional trauma typically inflicted by a Narc is going to take you a lot of time.

You probably need to read up more on Narc bevahior and Quora is a good spot. I think you need to understand that your Narc is going to keep throwing punches your way. She's not going to go away until you put that wall up.

In addition to putting up your wall, you need a good IC. I know it sucks, and many of us have to deal with Narcs, its actually a trait that allows many of them to cheat in the first place. Once you're able to undersand their set of rules (Narc official rules), you'll be better prepared to separate yourself from them. You need to understand that what she is doing to you, the continued emotional turmoil and contact is abuse. Once you understand that, that what she does is equivalent to throwing daggers at you, than you can shield yourself. Than you can just not be present for those dagger throws. And before you say well you share kids, I also share kids with the ex. Eliminate yourself from their line of target. How do you do that. By getting help, loving yourself, and letting go of the hope that she might change her mind, or become a better person, or somehow hit rock bottom and apologize to you. None of that matters once you can set yourself free.

I hope that you can see, that one day, you'll be a sought after Man. You have a great career, are a good father and an empath. But that Empath in you also makes you a Narc target. Its time to let her go, wish her well on Tinder and work on yourself.

Atg100 posted 10/2/2019 16:46 PM

Thanks for looking out for me and sending me the warning.
I know that my last post sounded as if I had smoked too much weed - I haven’t .
I also haven’t lost my knowledge of who she is- most likely a narcissist , maybe just somebody emotionally completely immature .

I dealt with the break up and betrayal logically and head driven, which didn’t allow me to see what’s going on in my heart.
You speak of IC and healing - I think , realising that I was still loving her was extremely important to healing.
But when I let go of my love, anger and hurt will also go.

The golden rules remain:
Minimal contact
Grey rock.
Stay away from the shit show, which is her current life .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 10/3/2019 14:48 PM

And then it hurts just a little less.

Atg100 posted 10/4/2019 15:51 PM

I followed a guided meditation on finding acceptance and happiness .

I watched Rambo V

Don’t know which one helped more, but I feel ok today.

One big step forward for me was to see that my ex is not the saint on a pedestal, whose awful betrayal changed her to be a sinful devil.
She is just another human, looking for happiness and making her own choices to find it.

That makes her less threatening or powerful .
I chose to stay far away from her , because she is not worth my emotional investment .


The Uber driver on the way to the cinema shared some wisdom ( I carry my heart on my sleeve )

“ right now, you are making two mistakes :
You don’t allow yourself to love someone.
You don’t allow someone else to love you “

He was my driver for a reason yesterday.

Jameson1977 posted 10/4/2019 18:49 PM

Hi ATG, I dont think I've commented on your post before but I have followed your journey from the beginning.

First, I too saw Rambo 5....awful movie, and exactly as I expected, and loved it!

I just want to say you sound like a great guy, your sincere dedication to your kids comes through in your words is so nice to read. Your WW has made a huge mistake, and believe me, she knows it. Narcissist's are incapable of admitting fault and have to justify their actions somehow, no matter how crazy they become.

I am certain you will find someone that will treat you right. Stay the course, I think your journey is one BS's that are going through D can hold up as a great example of how to manage these situations.

AFL1000 posted 10/4/2019 20:42 PM

ATG

I wasn't aware that a requirement to be an Uber driver was philosopher but sometimes personal insights about our life situations can come from unexpected sources.

Atg100 posted 10/5/2019 15:54 PM

The constant inner dialogue is slowly drifting.
Revisiting the past, imaginary conversations with my ex, thinking about what the future may be.

It is not accidental.
I think last Sunday, was a very painful experience, which just made it clear that I need to move away from it all.
I could have remained in lala land with my thoughts forever, I needed this kick in the guts.

I followed a podcast. The lady encouraged to ask yourself the question
" What do you need to be happy? What if you are not the person with the constant thoughts and inner dialogue?"
And " the thoughts are not true, but the reaction of your mind and body will be true pain"

I needed to find the emotional source of my pain , but I have realized it now and am letting go more and more.

Time doesn't heal wounds.
Active work on yourself does.

And sometimes it's just stillness.

This morning, I got up very early, as it is now my habit it seems.

But instead of continuing to worry about everything, I just sat in my garden with a coffee, listening to the birds and watched the sunrise.
I haven't done this for a very long time.
But it felt so much better than worrying about my ex.

Marz posted 10/5/2019 23:51 PM

You're learning.

A lot of wisdom, knowledge comes from conflict if you let it.

I think you'll move ahead a lot quicker now.

You've discovered you are the most responsible for your life and happiness.

paboy posted 10/6/2019 01:59 AM

I agree. Your learning..
1. That your love for her was deep.
2. That she is not that person you thought she was.
3. That this process, although painful, is just what you have needed to be able to walk away at the end more emotionally stable.

Her leaving that package on the front seat maybe just the slap in the face that you need.

It could just as well be the pivotal point that you required to place her in your back mirror.

Atg100 posted 10/6/2019 16:17 PM

Thank you both.
I had another light bulb moment.
I asked myself “ is there anything else, anything new , which I could learn, by thinking about her and the past again?”

There isn’t .
And I just need to repeat this question, whenever my mind wants to go there.
The past is well analysed , there is no hidden wisdom anymore .

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