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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 10/6/2019 18:07 PM

My ex sent an email.
Which high school we should send the kids to?

That is 5 years away.

I took 5 deep breaths.
And then continued doing what I was doing.

Marz posted 10/6/2019 21:19 PM

Yep, that's a big ole IGNORE

Notthevictem posted 10/6/2019 23:50 PM

Good job with the ignore button!

steadychevy posted 10/7/2019 06:04 AM

Good job.

Now, watch. Watch how she will try and turn this on you. She's trying to talk only of the kids and their future and you ignore. She's trying to co-parent. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Stay strong.

Atg100 posted 10/7/2019 07:02 AM

Steadychevy
I was concerned about that too.
So I sent her a zen answer when I felt like it.

ď we will make the right decision at the time ď
Not more , not less
But I will never ask her a question in an email:
She enjoys a late answer too much

We will make the right decision , will surely mean that I will make the decision , cause if the kids go to a private school , it would be me to pick up the bill anyway.

Atg100 posted 10/8/2019 00:19 AM

A d itís never just quite.
My boy had been recently unwell with an encephalitis .
So when his headache returned , my ex called me.
I organised everything to be done in the hospital where I work.
I know the paediatricians .
Luckily he is ok, after presenting to Ed
But just when I wanted quietness , do I need to see her again and interact in a manner which put the kids first.
I did that, smiled and waved; focussed on my children .
My kids are desperate to come back to me tomorrow .
I canít wait myself.
It still hurt a little , seeing her .
But I got over it so much quicker .

Marz posted 10/8/2019 00:26 AM

It takes time for the infection to leave the would.

You'll be fine

Atg100 posted 10/9/2019 18:00 PM

I know you shouldnít feed a narc or show them shiny things- they want that and it spurs them on.
But the last few face-to-face interactions with my wife, I had been not feeling well within myself.
Yesterday , I was in a much better frame of mind , which showed in my mental state - and wanted to show in my appearance as well.
I picked up the kids - new sports jacket, denims , crisp white t-shirt , new shoes. Had been to the barber and smelled nice .
Went to my ex smiling.
My 5 year old daughter said ď you look so handsome daddy ď
My ex was in the mum uniform of yoga pants and t shirt.
Her house looked like a bomb crater .
She looked at me and asked ď have you been on a hot date ?Ē
ď no, just busy ď , smiled and left with the kids.
Her stupid jealous brain will be in overdrive .
She knows that Iím generous and would treat a potential date properly.

A friend told me that tinder dates donít include much romance .
A beer in the pub before hooking up, but my friend puts it this way : you have too many dates lined up in a week, it becomes too expensive to wine and dine.
Thatís my exís life now - and good on her .

But I could see the cogwheels turning in her brain.

No doubt , there will be a repercussion.
She will be all dressed up on Sunday or have further evidence of recent hook ups in the car.

But I donít want mind games or anything like that.
However , for the very first time did I leave a kids handover , feeling okay . Next time I will look like a grey rock and not just talk like one.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

NoOptTo posted 10/9/2019 18:53 PM

Progress....

Billy Crystal used to in a skit , You look marvelous, you feel marvelous. And according to your DD, you look marvelous.

It's all about you now ATG. With your new outlook now, hopefully you can start letting your XW behavior roll off your back. Rooting for your progress.

Marz posted 10/9/2019 19:15 PM

No doubt , there will be a repercussion.

Only if you allow it.

Dyokemm posted 10/9/2019 22:24 PM

I think a better response to her question would be:

ĎI am not discussing that topic with you......please keep the talk to the kids.í

A firm, hard boundary that you two are NOT friends, and she has no business asking about your personal life ever again......

But without unnecessary drama.

Marz posted 10/9/2019 22:27 PM

^^^^^^ yep

You still seem to feel that you have to engage her no matter what.

Until you get out of that habit you'll not get where you need to be.

It's none of her business

Atg100 posted 10/9/2019 22:37 PM

I have been sticking to the grey rock, because I want us to co-parent , or at least try for it.
She recently showed me that itís more likely parallel parenting.

For example - she changed swimming lessons from one day to another without asking. She organised some school events in a way that it suits her.
At present I want to try to show by my way of communicating what I expect .
Itís seemingly not working.
All other communications , I donít want with her .

The brief answers I gave her yesterday were just to get me out of there quickly.
A discussion about boundaries would drag the process out, this way I was in and out within minutes

Marz posted 10/10/2019 02:30 AM

Just say "I have to go" then leave. The key is leave.

Atg100 posted 10/11/2019 15:14 PM

And so another week finishes , and with the passing of time , the distance to all of the events grows.
Get on with your life .
I read a lot this week and listened to podcasts , mainly about acceptance . This helped a lot to switch off the constant dialogue in my mind. Before I used to distract myself to not occupy my mind with it - gym, work, children.
But now I can actively find this moment of quietness and enjoy it.
This is a good morning , itís raining and Iím sitting outside drinking a coffee and listen to the noises of the rain drops.
Soon the kids get up and we have sport, a birthday party and catching up with another single dad and his kids for dinner.
The kids are ok, they have quickly adapted to living in two houses .
Time for me now to catch up .

Atg100 posted 10/14/2019 15:16 PM

I had a few e-mail exchanges and text messages with my wife.
Kids stuff.
Sport lessons , who buys new swimming goggles and my son needs an iPad for school apparently .
Her tone was completely disrespectful, she got hung up about a $30 expense ( I pay her a massive amount of child support, even if she only has them 3 days a week.
If I would respond in the same way, there would be a nuclear war.
So I see the big picture, play the long game , find the compromise . And as a doctor - I try to fix it.
Thatís our habit , if we see a problem, we come up with solutions .
All this stuff I couldnít ignore , so practiced my grey rock.
But it occurred to me - itís as if we are still married but I only get the bad parts .
I thought I resigned from that shit ?
Canít one of her new fellas deal with it ?

NoOptTo posted 10/14/2019 16:38 PM

Unfortunately not when it comes to your kids. You will have to deal with your XWW. My question to you, did her emails need to be answered quickly? Where they of utmost importance? If not, answer them when you feel fit to. Not all questions need to be answered quickly or within a day or two. You are correct. You are paying her spousal and child support. She can pay for things. Yet her narc tendencies are going to make you feel bad so you pay for the things she should also be paying for. These issues usually dont need to be answered quickly. You can take your ti.e to respond. A few days, a week or so on. Always keep your answers short and to the point. Do NOT engage in a debate with her. She knows how to get under your skin. Do not give her that ability.

I'm glad your finding happiness in having your morning coffee outside in your garden. Your able to see joy in nature again. That's progress.

Marz posted 10/14/2019 16:57 PM

And as a doctor - I try to fix it.

Fix yourself first.

Continue grey rock and parallel parenting.

It will take awhile but you'll get there.

Atg100 posted 10/15/2019 14:39 PM

I had a chat with a friend.
He thinks I am mad by even being the slightest bit nice or diplomatic with her.
It's hard because of the kids.

But I looked at our separation agreement , looked at the conditions and figure out that she owes my about $150 per month for the children's extra curricular activities.

I reminded her of that.

She responds. " I will only honor this agreement, if I can take the children to indoor rock climbing. I want to see what I pay for "

I tell her that the agreement was without any conditions, she signed a legally binding agreement.
I point out that whilst I get to see all the climbing training, she takes them to swimming and gymnastics on her days. I am never involved in those sports.


Narcissist:
I signed a binding agreement, but the rules don't apply to me. I can put conditions on my payments.

I am missing out on stuff. I don't even consider that my ex-husband may also miss out on things.

Good news:
A while ago , I started to chat and have coffees with one of the doctors at work.
We had dinner last week and met again after hours yesterday.
I don't know where this will be heading, but it is just so nice to have pleasant female company.
I have long learned not too make my wellbeing dependent on other people, so I can just sit back and relax and enjoy the moment. But it is a good feeling, knowing that there is someone happy to spend time with me.


[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:50 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

DoinBettr posted 10/15/2019 16:08 PM

Good news:
A while ago , I started to chat and have coffees with one of the doctors at work.
We had dinner last week and met again after hours yesterday.
I don't know where this will be heading, but it is just so nice to have pleasant female company.

Glad to hear it! Sorry I was being pushy earlier. I am glad you just opened that door. You really needed it. I saw you making road blocks for yourself with trying to arrange things too much. Just relax and see if things develop organically.

BTW - Your exWW is going to lose it when you ask to switch days to go on a date with your new GF. Just hold up on that a little. Just try it out before ever asking a GF. Then watch your exWW freak out. You know she expects you still to come crawling back some day. She realize she will still be in your life after that gut punch. Maybe ask that in person. Plaster your Facebook with pictures of you and multiple people it could be. She will spend days vetting who she thinks it is.

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