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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 10/21/2019 07:15 AM

My ex hands me the paperwork for the school enrolment .
She filled out the demographic details for both parents .
She puts the wrong phone number for me in my address field.
Is she just stupid or does she do it to annoy me?
Either way , I ignore it.

Atg100 posted 10/21/2019 17:09 PM

My ex sends me an email
ď you still sound so angry ď

What does she expect ?
That with time I will look fondly on her infidelity , the fact I lost 50% of my time with the children and cash.
I didnít answer

DoinBettr posted 10/21/2019 17:25 PM

My question is - will there be anyone as stupid as I was .
The answer is probably , she is good looking and can play nice .

That is funny, but I doubt it. Guys can smell crazy after a divorce. She will have to lower her standards so badly that she will cheat again in a heart beat.

As far the girl saying you are too old, take that in stride. She kind of left you a door there, but you will figure out how to be smooth again.
Instead, start the dating app. I am telling you, it will work.

Oh, and you XWW will get pissed when you ask to switch days for a date. She will find out. That is why I said make a smoke screen of other women and pre-plan rejection before asking for switching dates. My friend is going through this now. His ex is crazy in ways that makes yours look like Mary Poppins.

Atg100 posted 10/21/2019 18:48 PM

Thanks for the advice .
I think next year, Iíd be ready to date more proactively .
This thing felt nice , as it occurred without much effort. But then came to an abrupt stop.
I still focus on my kids - I drive my boy to judo, every Monday, which is technically ďherĒ day.
But she doesnít like going , so is happy that I am keen.
I figured out yesterday , that the only classes we have missed were when he had influenza in June , but never because I had to cancel.
This will create dividends in the long term .
Secondly , I need to focus on my private practice - Iíll have to somehow increase revenue - and this will be best achieved at the moment by cutting costs.
Then 2020, I will spread my wings so to say.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:07 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 10/22/2019 20:49 PM

We have an online google calendar which we use for the coparenting arrangements .
Itís sorted until the end of February .
Today she emails :Ē how are we going to split up January ?Ē

I could only answer - ď please check the calendar ď
And she wants to be taken serious as an adult ?

Freeme posted 10/23/2019 12:46 PM

My question is - will there be anyone as stupid as I was.
The answer is probably , she is good looking and can play nice.

I'm sorry but I'd like to play devils advocate here. I can't say anything about her looks but she is an older lady, recently divorced (for cheating) with two kid and not much money making potential. she also has high standards for what she expects from her husband. It might have been easy to find "partners" when she was married because they weren't looking for commitment and she wasn't desperate. She doesn't want to increase her work hours but she also doesn't want to cut back on her lifestyle. I don't care how good looking she is and how nice she can play... I doubt a lot of men are going to want to marry her.

You on the other hand are a Doctor that stayed faithful and enjoyed being in a committed relationship. That alone is very appealing to most women.

Atg100 posted 10/23/2019 17:47 PM

She is younger than me and very flirtatious .
As a narcissist she can play her physical attributes well.
She has recently spent a lot of effort into looking great.
Iíd say tinder will give her constant kibble supply , she can triangulate guys and her finances are not too bad , thanks to yours truly.
But that is all besides the point .
I need to heal , maintain no contact as much as possible and be the grey rock in her life .
Sadness still comes in waves and I have done quite a bit of reading about the trauma of living with a narc.
One theory which I subscribe to is - she always gave and withdrew attention and love, she always gave the aura that I was replaceable and that put me in the corner of ď desperate love ď - there was no constant supply of love which suddenly stopped . There was always game playing , passive aggressiveness and fear.
As I have been trained to deal with that in empathic ways, I still have empathic reactions to all her crap.
And of course she crosses boundaries with her messaging and emails.
And she is still the victim
ď Iím trying my best with the children , donít judge meĒ
ď my blood iron levels are low, Iím so fatigued ď
And my favourite
ď why are you still so angry at me ?Ē

I still treat her like a logical human being, I just need to stop this.
Itís Thursday and today will be the first day when I can maintain ďno contact ď
Monday, Tuesday , Wednesday - email correspondence and text messages, face to face conversations at handover .
My plan is now to not have any contact until handover on Sunday.
That is just the basic to heal.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:47 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 10/23/2019 21:29 PM

No or limited contact is like anything else. It can be achieved but only through self discipline and focus.

Once you put the full effort on it you'll reap the benefits.

Atg100 posted 10/25/2019 14:42 PM

Today would have been our wedding anniversary .
We had been together for 14 years, married for 6.
It was a beautiful day in the Byron Bay Hinterland.
We could see the ocean, friends and family were there from all over the world .
She cried when she spoke the vows and many of my friends told me that they believed she was truly in love.
Who knows why she cried , possibly some narcissist mind fuck.
I stuck to my vows and gave it all to have a loving relationship and a family.
6 years later I am replaced with an affair and tinder hook ups as I was no longer supplying enough ego kibbles .
What a blessing . I can live my own life, free of all mind games .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:42 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 10/25/2019 18:00 PM

My ex writes
ď a big hug for what used to be a big day for us. Give the kids a cuddle and have a nice dayĒ

She follows all predictions correctly :
One you implement ď grey rock ď , the narcissist will try to lure you back in.

I did not respond

If I stay the course, then I will get discarded as a source of ego kibbles soon.

Marz posted 10/25/2019 20:12 PM

This bugging will go on for awhile.

A friend of mine got it for over a year before she finally learned.

Staying NC will speed it up somewhat but.....

Atg100 posted 10/28/2019 15:08 PM

Emails and texts.
She is the hero, she is the victim.
She pretends to be sorry.
As a covert narcissist she used to fuck with my mind so subtle and so succesful z
Here she is the single mum, who is trying her best , in face of adversity .
The only person to blame : ATG.

I didnít enter any conversation .
Of course she is smart and mixes topics in the email- partly itís about my sonís dental treatment .
What an awesome single mother she is.
Invoices were quickly forwarded , as we know who pays for expensive orthodontic stuff .
Not the single mum who asks me for money on top of child support treatment to buy my son swimming goggles.
The same mum, who has the spray tan, the new hair cut and colour .
Of course, I am paying for any medical cost above $75 , as per agreement .

And of course she used the child support payment to look good ; she is entitled to it.

My email response 14 hours later , contained of 3 lines, so boring that a gray rock looks interesting .

Atg100 posted 10/29/2019 14:03 PM

ďDonít give your inner dignity to someone who wants to rob it from you ď

I have done that for 14 years. Fell for the mask, tried to please her and lost myself.
The abuse and manipulation, the subtlety , always hidden under the mask of a decent, shy person.
And I canít blame myself too much. Other people fell for it; my family loved her. She is that good in her cunning ways.

And again- It needed something as massive as the most recent abuse - telling me about her tinder fucks and sending me hugs for our wedding day 2 weeks later, to completely realise the extend of her personality disorder.
Iím a people pleaser, I know that. Easy prey for someone like her.
Not anymore.
Gray rock is the answer .

Hopefully soon I can erect a new boundary :
My practice manager will be at a meeting and hopefully come back with some affordable suggestions to have a virtual assistant who can take all her calls and emails.
If that should happen, it would be very helpful.
If it is not practical, the gray rock is the way.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

NoOptTo posted 10/29/2019 16:44 PM

Your coming around my friend. Your finding your way through it all. And yes greyrock and parallel parenting are your answers. Ignore her. Do what you think is right for your kids. Give her short unemotional answers that are to the point.

And remember, no can be a complete sentence.... lol.

NoOptTo posted 10/29/2019 16:44 PM

Your coming around my friend. Your finding your way through it all. And yes greyrock and parallel parenting are your answers. Ignore her. Do what you think is right for your kids. Give her short unemotional answers that are to the point.

And remember, no can be a complete sentence.... lol.

Atg100 posted 10/29/2019 16:58 PM

Iím learning - too slow .
This morning she texted me at 5:30 am to tell me that my son has a cold.
I didnít ignore , I told her not to text me so early unless it is an emergency .
Shouldnít have done it, but I felt I needed to express a boundary.
Her reply ď why are you so mean ď
I made the mistake to answer ď the way I communicate is a consequence of your actions ď

She answered ď you are so meanĒ

Complete waste of time on my behalf.
She is a narcissist and of course the victim.
I didnít need to prove that anymore .
I felt defining a boundary would have value, but it was pointless .
Anyway , itís a learning curve , I have got years and years to fine tune .
And she has an opportunity to tell her flying monkeys how mean I am

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:00 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

NoOptTo posted 10/29/2019 17:46 PM

One thing I'd like to see you do is, do not reply to any email or txt that you want to reply to for early 24 to 48 hrs after you receive it. Unless it is a real emergency, that's different.

By waiting to reply, you afford yourself to reevaluate, do I really need to reply to this? Will my reply prove a point to her? (Probably not). Is a reply going to trigger me?

Once again, less is more when dealing with a narcissist. She will feel off your replies to gain ego kibbles and further put you down.

Atg100 posted 10/29/2019 17:49 PM

I had been quite good with this over the weekend.
I just felt the need to tell her not to text me at 5:30.
Of course it created a reaction .
Ignoring would have been better

Marz posted 10/29/2019 18:45 PM

Silence is golden.

Atg100 posted 10/29/2019 19:57 PM

It may have worked though.
She just sent an email stating that from now on she will only talk to me in business like fashion, as I am so cold .
She will not show me any empathy anymore.

That would be so wonderful .

I resisted the temptation to point out that she doesnít have any empathy.
And of course she thinks she punishes me by staying business like - yet itís exactly what I need .

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