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Different perspective 2.0

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Marz posted 10/29/2019 22:18 PM

Again, you must learn to ignore.

That is the only tactic I've seen work but it takes time.

Atg100 posted 10/30/2019 05:38 AM

Well, its not all bad.
Handover tonight.
She was not talking to me and made not eye contact.
Took less than a minute, I focused on the kids.
Silence treatment was her way to withdraw love from me and punish me.
Now it's not a punishment, but a blessing.

Ripped62 posted 10/30/2019 05:45 AM

Silent treatment can be an immense gift and a blessing.

Please enjoy the reprieve from the narcissistic rants or unappreciated communication.

Freeme posted 10/30/2019 05:53 AM

She answered ď you are so meanĒ

Complete waste of time on my behalf.
She is a narcissist and of course the victim.


My mother is a covert narcissist. I think that's why I feel compelled to follow your thread. As you know Ignore would have been better. She was mad that she had to get up at 5:30am and she wanted you to know she was up that early. If you had ignored she would have gotten more annoyed that you weren't responding and that she was having to do EVERYTHING... but it would have been harder to swing this as you being horrible, uncaring, rude. You can't win but you can ignore. She may also try to manipulate this... "You didn't seem to care your son was sick so I didn't think I needed to inform you..."
If you have to respond do it at what you would consider a reasonable hour. If you don't have to respond don't.

Your response, which she would have seen as angry not businesslike, or informative would have fed her ego kibbles (I got a rise out of him, I can still make him angry, he is soooo mean to me...) and would have made her happy. Ignoring her would have sent her the message "I'm too busy to respond to non emergency's at 5:30 am."

In almost all situations a delayed response or no response is the best way to handle a narcissist.
Your doing really well and it's a learning process, keep it up.

Silence treatment was her way to withdraw love from me and punish me.
Now it's not a punishment, but a blessing.

Yea, the silent treatment is great when you are detaching. She will only be able to keep it up for so long when she sees it's not working but it will be a good few days.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 10/30/2019 06:18 AM

Thanks - I would have liked to have avoided the avalanche of madness which followed my email asking her to respect some boundaries.
In one of the emails she wrote today " I listened to you when you were upset,I was full of empathy and understanding, yet you treat me like dirt"

She is currently on planet Narc and I am still gobsmacked from time to time.
I didn't answer this one, I really wanted to ask her to define empathy.
But that would have been pointless.

I watched a video, where the psychologist suggests that whenever we see a narcissist being angry, we should imagine a young kid crying.
Because that's who they are.
I have cried enough myself - and although I am slightly worried about her mental health , I will ignore the crying child.

nekonamida posted 10/30/2019 07:49 AM

It's crazy to me how narcs can think that 5 minutes of good behavior from them warrants you overlooking years of bad behavior and you're a terrible person if you dare to be upset by that double standard.

DoinBettr posted 10/30/2019 11:22 AM

I am going to recommend it again. Start dating. When she "Wants to talk, mention you think your new girlfriend feels/thinks like that sometimes."
She will lose her mind. Narcs hate being devalued or replaced.
Grey rock works, but she will eventually get to you and bringing up how she is helping you with another woman will shut her up.
Even if you don't have a girlfriend, just make a profile and mention you are dating.
It will change her tune.
She is lonely and wants more than a guy who wants her on her back for 15 minutes. Hence she is using you until someone else takes the job.
I wouldn't be surprised if your ex thinks your new virtual assistant is sleeping with you. Don't tell your ex she(hopefully you get a woman) is virtual.
The flurry of emails will be hilarious.

steadychevy posted 10/30/2019 15:35 PM

You're an evil man, DoinBettr. I like it. On the other hand, maybe don't poke the bear if you don't want the drama.

Atg100 posted 10/30/2019 17:13 PM

I think I just need a period of peace and calm.
You are correct , she still gets kibbles out of me , although I hope itís less.
A new woman right now would mean more drama, so I just look for a month without any of that .
Plus I either have the kids or will be working every weekend until Christmas.
Next year , when we split looking after the kids in a week on, week off fashion, there will be time for that .
But at the beginning of this year, I made the decision to ensure that the kids are looked after well by me .
They are coping well and thatís what is most important .

Marz posted 10/30/2019 22:09 PM

She is currently on planet Narc and I am still gobsmacked from time to time.
I didn't answer this one, I really wanted to ask her to define empathy.
But that would have been pointless.

Any engagement other than kids schedule, etc will always be pointless.

You aren't there yet. Focus

Marz posted 10/30/2019 22:13 PM

Now if you want yo have some fun

Get someone to put a huge Hickie high up on your neck, smear some lipstick on your collar and spray a little female perfume in your hair next time you pick up the kids.

After you get the kids in the car stretch, yawn and say "man, I'm worn out".

Then leave

Atg100 posted 10/30/2019 22:53 PM

There is never a dull day.
The kids told me yesterday that her dad will be here tomorrow.
I will work this weekend , so until now, handover would have been at 7pm at my house.
The kids told me that the nanny will take them to her house after school and the granddad will look after them.
They love him, Iím happy for them, thatís not the problem.

But there is nothing on the google calendar which we use for our co-parenting roster .
I asked my ex why she hadnít told me or the nanny about it?
Her answer was a lie, of course ď I hadnít finished planning ď
Her dad has to fly over from Perth , they would have known for weeks that he is coming.


Do I relax , not worry about it and be happy that the kids see their granddad ?

I chose to say : please put these sort of things on the calendar in future .

The narcissist will think ď my plans are important , who cares if this may affect you.Ē
But the narcissist will also see any criticism as a attack of their superiority as a whole.
And usually have a disproportionate comeback.

So letís see what happens.

Atg100 posted 10/31/2019 05:14 AM

Halloween Street party
- yes in Australia, we have adopted those celebrations it seems.
The whole street is here , all families , I know many.
Again - Iím the only single dad it seems.
A few months ago, I would have felt incredible sadness.
Now - it still hurts a bit, but itís nothing in comparison to what it was.

Atg100 posted 11/1/2019 14:42 PM

And it doesnít hurt anymore.
And I donít have the feeling that this is only temporary this time.
In the last two weeks, I read as much as I could about covert narcissists .
For two reasons - to understand who she is, and to understand my role in this relationship .
So many things even prior to her affair make sense now. The silence treatment when we had arguments. Or she telling me that she is not physically attracted to me- right after we had sex.
Her skin picking habits and depressive moods. The fact that she didnít support me at all when I was in a legal battle with former business partners.
The fact that she could go out with friends whenever she wanted to and the increased drinking towards the end of the relationship .
The lies, the gaslighting , the many moments where I questioned my own sanity when such a difference to the truth was dished up.
Her wishing me a happy wedding anniversary 2 weeks after she talked to me about her unprotected tinder hook up.

But I allowed it to happen. I wanted her version to be correct, because the truth appeared so much worse.
I loved her so much and had been trained like a emotional support poodle to anticipate her mood swings and unhappiness and had made it my task to always make her happy, find the compromise and sort things out.

And yet, I always felt lonely in our relationship , this only changed when we had kids and I received unconditional love.


And now - I understand who she is , I need to work on myself - but right now , I see our divorce as a blessing . It does not hurt anymore and even the thought of her with another guy, which would have given me stomach aches even a week ago - doesnít bother me anymore.


There is an excellent YouTube series by a psychologist Les Carter. He is very good in comparing normal responses with narcissistic ones.
For example - this is how adults react to criticism , this is how narcissists react. This is normal , this isnít.
I was trapped in that narcissistic sinkhole for 14 years.
Not anymore .

skerzoid posted 11/1/2019 16:07 PM

ATG:

I don't post very often on your thread, but I wanted to in response to this.

This is a big step forward from hurt & anger, to indifference. Thank God!

However, expect her wrath. There is nothing you can do to anger a narc more than to be indifferent to her. Your universe is supposed to orbit her! You are supposed to spend your life pining away for her magnificence.

The worst will be when you are with someone else. It will a betrayal of the highest order.

Atg100 posted 11/1/2019 16:22 PM

Thank you ; yes I expect that, but I now at least can look at a tool set which may prepare me for such moment.

What worries much more are the children.
I felt unloved in our relationship .
Sure at the moment they are young and looking after young kids well, can put her into this role ď the poor hard working single mum ď.
Letís wait for when they develop - and develop more of an independent personality with needs and wants.
Especially my daughter .
Covert narcissist mums donít handle daughters very well.
They donít handle life very well, period.

Not much I can do , apart from remaining sane and teaching them about boundaries .

HalfTime2017 posted 11/1/2019 17:22 PM

ATG, as others have said, you're handling this very well. From your writing, it sounds like you suffer from the Trauma Bonding you had from your EXWW. In addition, you're a codependent, it makes things much tougher.

There is still much to improve from here. You're still giving her too much headspace and answering too quickly. You're not greyrock yet. Things that don't need to be answered, don't. Even stuff about kids, they can take time to be answered.

With a Narc, once she is fully aware that you've cut off her supply of kibbles, she's going to go look elsewhere for it. That means she'll Tinder hard, let it go. Let her go find a new supply elsewhere. It will further speed up your healing. Just remember to never, ever open that door back up, or to show any emotions to the Narc. You may be the Dr., breadwinner and better parent, but not in her eyes. Just get it in your head that you won't understand her behavior or reasoning, but you can understand the certain actions that Narcs take. Its pointless to try and understand her behavior based on emotions and love, b/c Narcs don't understand it that way, the way you or I do.

Atg100 posted 11/1/2019 17:57 PM

I totally agree with everything you say.
Iím not even close to being healed and like you say, Iím still responding far too early.
I agree with the co-dependence issue.
And I have seen that she doesnít care for me at all ; only for my money.
But I feel the difference .
There is less pain.
I sleep better .
I have optimism where there was none.

AFL1000 posted 11/1/2019 19:58 PM

Hi ATG

I agree with skerzoid, your post this morning is yet another major leap forward towards indifference and the lessening and lessening of the hurt and pain your very STBX bestowed on you, not only with her affair but her behaviours towards you over a very long time.

Your realisation you were living with a narcissist all these years and your acknowledgment of your co-dependency are all steps in your continued healing.

May your optimism for what the future holds for you and your children continue to grow.

Marz posted 11/1/2019 20:48 PM

Again - Iím the only single dad it seems.

Celebrity status !!!! Revel in it

You don't need anyone

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