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Different perspective 2.0

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NoOptTo posted 11/7/2019 17:44 PM

I agree with Marz... yet my own personality would cause more future problems. I would copy and paste her own words each and every time she breaks her promise. Like, ....I will post everything on the parental web site and you wont here a peep out of me...... Just my personality. Please dont follow this. Keep to minimal contact with her.

Atg100 posted 11/7/2019 17:57 PM

There is so much narcissistic bullshit in the letter .
Two things stand out -
She seems to think that she is an authority on wether my healing process is complete or not.
Her word of course is not important but I thought it was so poignant that my psychologist yesterday said , Iím doing fine - exactly because of all the boundaries , she doesnít like.

And yes - please donít write hurtful words, such as ď your actions have consequences ď - because that just canít be true, Iím awesome all the way.

Freeme posted 11/8/2019 09:22 AM

Rule of thumb would have been not to reply to her silly email/texts but... I don't think your replay was bad and you may get a few day reprieve from her.

For fun I tell you how interpret her letter.

I realize I have hurt you horrifically, and this is something that I never wanted to do.I am, once again, incredibly sorry,...
It really shouldn't count because I didn't PLAN to hurt you and I said I was sorry...so don't bring it up again.

and I am trying to do the right thing by you and the children with our new lifestyle.
However, I see that you need more time to heal.
This is a jab at the fact that she is focused on the kids now, while you can't get over her cheating.

You will not hear a peep from me unless a child is dying. I will put everything on the calendar as you wish.
Pure Narcs ... Martyr, victim just trying to do the right thing to help you. Little guilt and drama thrown in with the line about child dying.

Please donít reply as I really do not deserve more of your punishing words.
I GET THE LAST WORD & get to order you to not respond... (this is a power thing) with a little bit of being a Martyr/victim again.

As you know she is over the top. Even with the threat of NC... this isn't the last of it. I hope you get a weekend of peace with your kids but... I doubt it.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:26 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 11/8/2019 13:34 PM

It took me quite a while to realise that in my time post separation : she is a broken person and she has no authority to comment on anything regarding myself.
Her opinion regarding my healthy is irrelevant .
I read ď donít reply ď more as ď your messages contain some painful truths which I donít like to read about ď rather than ď I want to have the last wordĒ
The end result is hopefully the same : I wonít have to communicate with her for a while.
My daughter wanted to FaceTime her yesterday .
I rang for her and then left the room.
My children have the right to have a relationship with their mother, Iíd not be in the way off that .
But I could have done without having to think about it.

Atg100 posted 11/9/2019 15:49 PM

I had the Konmarie consultant at my house in the morning to tackle my kitchen - clean and de-clutter and let go of everything which doesn't give me joy.
I am not as far as I want with claiming my space at home, but I am getting there.
I now have the near-minimalist kitchen I want.
A year after she moved out and there were still items with deep emotional attachments.
Under the tea towels was even a "congratulations to your wedding " card.
But I am getting there, the house is getting more and more organized in the way I prefer it and its clean.
It's so funny - I have read so many threads where the wayward husband cheats on the wife who does 95% of the house work .
I knew I worked a lot and always was happy to pay for a cleaner to help with my own shortcomings.
(" $100 for the cleaner is cheaper than $200 for the marriage councilor")
But seeing that it is actually not that hard to keep the house clean, even whilst I have the kids, I am wondering what she has actually been doing all day?
Even when she went back for part time work, I paid for the nanny to get kids to and from school and kindy.
But all these points which lead to stresses in many other marriages are completely pointless when you are dealing with a narcissist.


[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:56 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 11/9/2019 16:24 PM

You keep seeing more and more.

Reality.

NoOptTo posted 11/9/2019 16:30 PM

Your just realizing that it's all about her. She cant be bothered with doing things when ATG can pay someone to do it. You are so much better off without her now. You can teach your kids to appreciate the things they have. With hard work and study, they can achieve in life what you have earned. Give them the ability to set goals for themselves to achieve. Your EXWW has the I'm entitled approach to life which will leave her empty inside. Keep moving forward my friend. Your doing fine cleaning out your house making it your own. Little at a time.

Atg100 posted 11/9/2019 17:21 PM

Yes it always has been about her.

Now I have 4 boxes full of kitchen utensils which I donít want, mainly because they have connection to her .
She has left the house nearly a year ago.
My natural choice would be to give her the boxes and she can keep whatever she wants .
However - she has never asked for anything .
It also would indicate that I respect her as a person, which I donít.

Should I give it to her, because itís the right thing to do or just bin it?

AFL1000 posted 11/9/2019 18:23 PM

ATG

Donate the kitchen stuff to the local Salvation Army or Brothehood of St Lawrence op shops. That way you know that those people out there who are doing it tough get some good quality kitchen items.

Now that your rose-coloured love goggles are off you now see all the things your STBX DIDN'T do around the house and just relied on your generosity to get paid help to do tasks she was more than capable of doing. The epitome of the entitled princess.

Now you get to have the house as you want it and without all the additional costs!

Marz posted 11/9/2019 18:33 PM

Yep id donate them.

No contact means no contact

[This message edited by Marz at 6:33 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

NoOptTo posted 11/9/2019 18:36 PM

I agree AFL, donate those kitchen tools to the less fortunate. Then maybe someone will appreciate them. Giving them to your EXWW will just give her some more ammo in saying you still need more time to heal.

Atg100 posted 11/10/2019 01:15 AM

Everything went into the donation boxes.

And not a single word was spoken through the handover which took less than a minute.

She was gone without eye contact .
Which is my definition of bliss

The1stWife posted 11/10/2019 02:11 AM

Everything went into the donation boxes.
And not a single word was spoken through the handover which took less than a minute.

She was gone without eye contact .
Which is my definition of bliss


Excellent!

Buster123 posted 11/10/2019 15:30 PM

Do not engage, do not reply to her emails unless kids related, if she doesn't like the way you communicate with her so be it, she seems to still want to have some type of control over you, overall you're doing great, btw how's the dating going ?.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:31 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 11/10/2019 16:07 PM

Thanks for looking out for me.
I enjoy the silence , she must still think that silence treatment is a punishment which still works on me.
Well, it has worked for 13 years , so why change ?

There are a few issues which I would discuss with her if she would be a normal person.
For example - is she taking the kids to her parents in Perth over Christmas or not. But she would like if I rely on her to make my own plans for Christmas, so she will surely not be forthcoming with the situation .
Asking her will just get me a lie as an answer , so I wonít bother .
As much as I can, I will plan for the kids being in Brisbane and spending some time with me ; and alternatively have a contingency plan if she decides to go to Perth.
But I will not ask her .
The dating - will start in the new year, thatís all good .

Marz posted 11/10/2019 16:19 PM

It does take awhile to figure it all out. Too many wait around hoping they'll get it.

Now that you've delved deeper into this you should have a very clear picture.

Nice work on your part

NoOptTo posted 11/10/2019 16:28 PM

Do you have time frame set in decree stating how far ahead you need to inform the other that one is taking the children away cutting into the others time?

I know you've been trying to be flexible knowing the profession your in. But this is a set holiday season. She knows you get your schedule months ahead and you try to plan accordingly. At some point you will need to stand your ground in the future and my time is my time with the kids. Plan your approach on this topic carefully before addressing it with her. You know she is going to make you the bad guy for standing up for yourself.

Marz posted 11/10/2019 16:33 PM

Unfortunately ATG you are correct. You can't make her do a thing or tell you her plans, etc.

Sounds like you've got it figured out.

Not sure how it is there but this behavior isn't very enforcible here. I suspect trying to get her to adhere would be needless contact and just a waste of your time.

Life isn't fair but it sounds like you've figured out how to deal with it.

Atg100 posted 11/10/2019 17:01 PM

Well, we have this online calendar where we agreed to document everything concerning the children.
I have made all kinds of entries until the end of next year.
My on call shifts, as far as I can predict them , conference attendances and a trip to Europe in June next year.
All the kidsí sports , school events and when their epipens expire. ( both have nur allergies )
So far, she has made zero entries.

She pretends that she doesnít know her work arrangements around Xmas but that has to be nonsense .
I could phone her shift coordinator at her hospital and call her bluff , but Iím sure that there are kibbles in it for her if I do.

For now I will just wait and see

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:03 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 11/11/2019 13:42 PM

And if I ever was in any doubt:
My kids are with their mother at the moment; I just continue to drive my son to judo training on Monday nights.

My son - like any 8 year old - loves computer games.
I am fairly ok with it, try to enforce some 'screen time' which often gets renegotiated, but I still think that screen time and active play or sports have a good balance.
The one thing, I am very strict about it is: No violence or shooting. There is plenty of other stuff to entertain him with.

So, yesterday in the car he said " I have to be honest, daddy, mum lets me play shooting games"
I thanked him for the honesty and said - "these are the rules at her house, you know that they are different at mine."
He nodded.

I know from past discussions when we were still in a relationship, that she felt similarly to me about this kind of stuff. Or - at least she pretended to.
The only reason why she lets him play such games is - to undermine me.

You can't co-parent with a narcissist.

There will be more to come, I am sure.

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