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Different perspective 2.0

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NoOptTo posted 11/11/2019 16:46 PM

Parallel parenting is in your future.... good luck.

Atg100 posted 11/11/2019 17:18 PM

I chatted to an old coach of mine over Skype the other day.
I told him of my situation .
He just said ď we donít negotiate with terrorists ď

That pretty much sums it up.

steadychevy posted 11/11/2019 19:40 PM

Now that's a smart coach!!

Atg100 posted 11/11/2019 20:36 PM

Never a dull moment.

I mentioned that I didnít want to pay her lawyerís latest invoice of $2500.
Keep in mind that she will get her payout once her lawyer has finished her work which is a very sizeable amount of cash.

Just now I receive this email

ďI thought you would say no to the legal fee costs. I will pay this latest $2500, but I wonít be able to fly the children home for Christmas.


I killed Xmas .
So, am I the Grinch or the Scrooge ?
Ď cause Iím not her chump anymore .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 8:40 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

Marz posted 11/11/2019 20:41 PM

The only reason why she lets him play such games is - to undermine me.

Nah, just to lazy to parent.

Marz posted 11/11/2019 20:42 PM

"we donít negotiate with terrorists ď

Smart guy.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

NoOptTo posted 11/11/2019 20:45 PM

Ooooh I would be soooooo tempted to respond to her saying she killed xmas as soo appropriate.... her actions have killed more then xmas. She now has to reap what she has sowed. Glad she inadvertently said she ruined xmas and not you.

Please keep to NC unless your kids are in trouble and ill.

Atg100 posted 11/11/2019 20:52 PM

It was my conclusion that I killed Christmas.
She just finished with
ď thanks ď

I thought she only wanted to email me in case of a medical emergency ?

I have so many possible responses, none of which are polite.
So, I better ignore

Marz posted 11/11/2019 22:19 PM

Yep, nothing you can say would matter at all.

It was just spite.

She killed your family as you knew it.

Has nothing at all to do with you.

Freeme posted 11/12/2019 06:57 AM

I thought you would say no to the legal fee costs. I will pay this latest $2500, but I wonít be able to fly the children home for Christmas.

Soooo, textbook. A million biting replies...but the best one is to ignore. I'm glad you didn't pay the fees, this is a much better way of enforcing boundaries. She needs to know that you aren't going to bail her out when she is being controlling (delaying the process) or she will keep doing it.

I also wouldn't believe 100% that they aren't traveling home for Christmas....just like her "I won't contact you unless one of the kids are dying and I'll update you via the calendar..." these are just words to elicit emotions from you...she doesn't mean them.

Atg100 posted 11/12/2019 12:56 PM

You are correct.
She lies every time she communicates with me.
I am convinced that she knows exactly what she is doing.
I donít think itís subconscious behaviour due to her NPD .
She does everything consciously .

paboy posted 11/12/2019 13:37 PM

When are the final divorce procedures happening? I am aware that the likelihood of getting it seen in Court during December is hard, and Courts will probably not resume fully until the later part of January.

When you finally are divorced, and have minimal contact save only parenting communications, your image of her finally diminishing in your back mirror window, has got to be a relief.

Keep plugging on.

Atg100 posted 11/12/2019 13:41 PM

Her lawyer is sitting on the documents since August.
My lawyer has done his work within 48 hours.
She moved out on the 6th of December .
I could then file unilaterally ; that would cost me $2500.
We however agreed in the mediation that we file and share the costs, once the court order for financial separation and the child care order arrive.
So I wait.
I have the payout for her sitting in my offset account , so every month delay saves me a bit of money.

Atg100 posted 11/13/2019 19:35 PM

Phone calls and emails .
Triggered by me buying new school uniforms and asking the nanny to pick them up. One of her flying monkeys saw that and told her .

ď why didnít you ask me ? You have created such a wall around you with all these rules. I want us to co-parent ď

I didnít say much on the phone.

I asked her to put her expectations into the co-parenting book from Relationship Australia.
I have asked her three times now. She has never written a single line.

Sanibelredfish posted 11/13/2019 20:10 PM

Not sure Iíve ever commented on your thread, but let me start by saying youíve come so far in the last year it is remarkable.

Ok, now that thatís out of the way, her behavior was completely predictable. You having the nanny pick up things makes it apparent to everyone that youíd rather pay someone to do it than ask a favor of her (and rightly so!). It says something completely different than the lies sheís likely spreading to make herself look better, ďOh, we just grew apart. The D was inevitable, I supposeĒ Lol, umm, no and youíre poking holes in that story. She canít have that!!!

Also, you know why she hasnít written anything down, right? Then sheíd have someway for you to hold her accountable. Itíll be a cold day in hell before she willingly writes anything in that co-parenting book.

Marz posted 11/13/2019 20:38 PM

Let her calls go to VM and text if it merits a reply.

She's still trying to control the narrative.

IMO this didn't require a response or very little.

Her actions: nothing..... but picks on anything you do?

It's the only way out of this circle jerk.

From what I've seen it takes consistent boundaries on your part.

She doesn't mind the drama because she's causing it.

Your rules apply to you and what you want. The only way she gets a say in it is if you allow her to.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:38 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 11/13/2019 21:00 PM

Thank you both for commenting.
Of course it pissed her off, not being seen as super mum who even picks up the new uniforms for her ex husband.

I answered the phone because I was completely unprepared that there maybe an issue with the nanny getting the uniforms.
And given we had been in no contact for a while now, and hadnít talked on the phone for weeks, I thought there must have been a serious problem.
She called me a wanker in that phone call.
I didnít say much .
I wrote an email stating that this was the one and only time I let her get away with that. If she repeats that then I will stop all communication .
In her reply she predictably made it my fault thy she name called me .
ď i only called you a wanker because you are so hard to talk toĒ

Thatís ok, at least I have it in writing.
So I then just said -
Donít ever call me again when emotionally agitated
Write down your co-parenting expectations in the workbook and we will find a way to communicate .

This is just in case it would ever get to court.

Interestingly she then asked if I will try to get full custody.
I should have not answered but I just wrote ď the children have the right of a relationship with you, which I respect ď

But she must have feared that . So thatís good, a little bit of fear keeps her on her toes.

I think that was good enough.
I really shouldnít hear from her now until Monday morning.
But I doubt that will happen.

Marz posted 11/13/2019 21:14 PM

Were all taught to be courteous, respectful, etc, etc, etc.

So I get it. It's tough to break the habit when called, emailed, texted, etc. In normal situations we always respond no matter what. You always answer the phone.

What you are dealing with is not normal and her whole agenda is about her, her and her. She cheats, lies and expects you to cater to her wants or beck and call.

This isn't about coparenting at all.

A friend of mine went through this same thing. He got it quicker than you have but even then it took a full year or so of real hard no contact for her to quit bugging.

She still try's every now and then. It just takes up way to much headspace.

Marz posted 11/13/2019 21:20 PM

"why didnít you ask me ? You have created such a wall around you with all these rules. I want us to co-parent ď

She has zero respect for you or your rules/boundaries. You'd think after her deplorable betrayal/actions she'd understand. Nope. Not a chance and she could care less. She never will.

It is up to you to cut her off. I'm well aware you have children together which does make it tougher. It can be done.

You've come a long way but you need to keep progressing. You'll get there and it'll be well worth it.

Marz posted 11/13/2019 21:25 PM

Think of it like this.

Her rules were:
I can lie, cheat have boyfriends on the side.
Could you stop or control her? Nope.

So how can she control you if you want no contact?

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