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Different perspective 2.0

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Freeme posted 11/19/2019 16:06 PM

And sometimes people play stupid to get what they want....
Yeah, my guess is that she doesn't want to use the calendar and wants to try to manipulate you via talking so she is playing dumb. Did she ask specific questions or was it the general "I don't how the calendar works?" I agree that waiting until Sunday is your best bet...hopefully she will figure it out on her own.

Freeme posted 11/19/2019 16:06 PM

double post.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:25 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 11/19/2019 17:47 PM

I wouldn't put it past her to try to appear innocent and stupid.
Many years in our relationship, I had the role of organizer and fixer.
That was one of her excuses for her affair " you are so overwhelming" .
And of course at the time I blamed myself - just as the covert narcissist wanted me : blame somebody else.
It is so refreshing to know that I just don't need to have any circular arguments anymore.
She is out on her own, the "karma bus " may or may not get her - I don't care.
I can just file it all under "crazy ex / not my problem " and leave it.
I am not there but I am getting better.

She sent another email about how we are going to pay for extra-curricular activities.
Which is again madness or calculated to get a response, as these costs are to be divided as per our mediation agreement.
I will address this also on Sunday, briefly.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:48 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 11/19/2019 17:51 PM

You may get a temporary reprieve once she gets the cash in hand.

Keep trying to learn to ignore.

Sanibelredfish posted 11/19/2019 17:55 PM

I really wasnít kidding about it being a cold day in hell before she willingly puts anything in writing. Good job on not replying.

Atg100 posted 11/20/2019 03:02 AM

And it seems like itís never straight forward .
My sonís school emails :
His epipen is out of date ;
The email was to both of us, the school now realises that we are separated
My wife emails ď sorry I forgot ď
Now Iím a doctor, itís very easy for me to write the script, go to the hospital pharmacy and drop the epipens off at her house on my way home.
I did it for my son, not for her .
But here she was, again a new dress , happy smiley - ď do you want to come in ?Ē
It just shows that all important decisions in my childrenís life are up to me .
And all she has to do is to be stupid.
I know how I want to live my life

Sanibelredfish posted 11/20/2019 06:14 AM

School uniforms last week, epi pens this week... you see the theme donít you?

You did the right thing for your sonís well being, and I would make a note of this with the documentation as it could help with custody in the future. I say this because Iím not convinced she just ďforgotĒ. That she looked nice when you saw her was no coincidence.She gets ďmoreĒ if you donít divorce as planned, right?

Keep going, ATG!

Atg100 posted 11/20/2019 12:50 PM

She may get more kibbles, or at least that is what she is hoping for .
Financially , a binding agreement has been signed and Iím just repeating this unusual situation :
Her lawyer is delaying everything by being extremely slow.
My lawyer hasnít seen anything like it.
But Iím not questioning or pushing her anymore .
The cash I have to give her sits in the offset account for my mortgage.
Each month, I save a little bit of money, so they can take their time .
We agreed in mediation to file for divorce once the financial matters are changed to a court document .
We agreed to pay half of the cost each.
I could file unilaterally on the 6th of December , but that would cost me $2500 in court costs plus lawyerís fees .
So I wait.

It annoyed me a little bit that I had to fix everything again and it actually annoyed me more that I had to see her on a day I didnít plan to.
But I have to be outcome orientated :
My son has an uptodate epipen at school .
And if today would be the day when he has anaphylaxis , itís due to me that treatment would be at hand.
Everything else is secondary.

Atg100 posted 11/21/2019 00:07 AM

My son passed his next belt in judo .
There will be a presentation next week, the club sent an email.
My ex immediately emails, stating that she will attend.
She has never been at any of his training sessions or shown any interest. I always pick him up from her house on a Monday, drive him to training, watch him and drive him home.

I didn't answer but I am wondering how she is proposing to do that? We will certainly not share a ride or sit next to each other.
We had been at school presentations before, but there the hall is so large, its easy to avoid each other.
I have no intentions to play happy family.
I will not say anything and just see what she does.

Ripped62 posted 11/21/2019 01:02 AM

My son passed his next belt in judo.

Congratulations and well done by you and your son!

Regarding the presentation - I suggest you treat your soon to be ex wife like any other litigant that seeks to harm you and your children via a lawsuit.

Sanibelredfish posted 11/21/2019 06:05 AM

School uniforms, Epi-pen, judo belt. While these events are presumably about your children she does try to bend them to her ends. So, make sure they stay about the children from your perspective and sheíll get the message eventually.

Marz posted 11/21/2019 10:04 AM

My son passed his next belt in judo .
There will be a presentation next week, the club sent an email.
My ex immediately emails, stating that she will attend.

Keep learning to ignore and you'll be fine. It takes awhile.

Freeme posted 11/22/2019 07:39 AM

My ex immediately emails, stating that she will attend.
Your Ex is having a hard time with you going low contact and her loss of power over you. Not responding to the judo email is the way to go. This might have been a gut response on her part, just to see how you would react. She might not show. She might show, dress up and turn on the charm trying to play family... who knows.

You've probably met a group of parents while waiting for your son. Try to sit with them, talk with the coaches, get your son excited about the event. don't be mean but don't be overly friendly either (with Ex).. plenty of things to do prior and after the event. Keep yourself busy so you don't get pinned down playing family with Ex.

Your kids/family is such of soft spot for you. Think about that time your daughter drew a picture because she wanted you and your WW to get back together... and your response and what your WW response was. She knows kids/family is a soft spot for you don't let her play happy family with you.

Good luck

Atg100 posted 11/22/2019 13:47 PM

Freeme - you are correct that the kids are my weak spot.
And she knows it - in one of her last emails, she wrote that we owe it to the children to be good co-parents.
That was the email where I asked her to put her expectations down in writing.
Still no response.

I don't know what she will do about attending the grading.
But this is my home ground, I have been in dojos since I am 5 years old myself. I know the coaches and the parents and am respected as I have a history in this sport.
I am not worried.


Last weekend I sustained a small muscle tear in my pectoralis. Fairly painful, just have to work around it.
During daytime there was no big problem.
But I was not able to sleep for nearly 3 nights, as the only way I could sleep was in an almost sitting position, lying on my chest and back just hurt too much. Simple painkillers did not help.
I saw a colleague, who prescribed endone, an opioid analgesic.
I took it two nights ago.
The pain went - and I slept so well.
I was in this morphine cloud of happiness.
Usually I wake up at 2 or 3 am.
My mind wanders and I think about the divorce and the kids.
I have got things under control; I usually listen to a meditation by a psychologist and buddhist called Tara Brach. And that usually gets me back to sleep.

But that night on the endone- nothing, just sweet dreams, no nightmares. And more sleep than I had all year.
So, so tempting.
I am far too intelligent to not see the addictive potential; I was sore the night after but didn't take any more endone. The pain is easing off now, so I don't need it.
But I can understand anyone who would take drugs or alcohol to anesthetize them self from all those worries and pain. This was so easy, one tablet and all worries gone.


Facebook offered one of those memories from 10 years ago. I thought I had deleted all photos of her from FB, but there it was - the two of us looking happy.
I stared at it for a moment, as if to see if I could see the real person in her behind the pretty face.
No, nothing. I deleted it and carried on.

Buster123 posted 11/22/2019 15:18 PM

For the Judo presentation, just ignore her email, just show up and sit anywhere you feel comfortable, if she shows up, so be it, you don't have to sit next to her, if possible find a spot where there are people sitting on both sides to avoid her sitting next to you.

Atg100 posted 11/23/2019 14:59 PM

Yes, I will just do whatever I normally do.
I haven't heard from her since Thursday, which is a blessing.
The facebook reminder of ' ten years ago' made me look at my phone / icloud.
11.000 photos, Id say 20% at least are off her.
I haven't looked at any of them in the last year, but what do I do with them now?
I find looking at them painful, but how long do I carry those memories around with me ?
Right now, I don't touch it, I have too much other work to do.
If there is a quick way of selecting all photos with her and deleting them, I'd be keen to know

Odonna posted 11/23/2019 16:24 PM

Your kids might want those pictures at some point. So perhaps just put them in an archive folder you never have to look at?

Atg100 posted 11/23/2019 16:42 PM

Good advice, thank you.

Atg100 posted 11/25/2019 04:23 AM

We spent the time in the judo hall sitting apart but had a quick conversation about Christmas
She asked me if we could open presents with the kids together , I told her that this doesnít suit me.
I offered to fit in with her plans on that day and have the kids for lunch or dinner .
But she asked again if I could do this for the children and I replied ď no, it is not what I want ď
I know for sure that I will be in a much more relaxed and happy frame of mind without having my ex wife around.
This will be better for the kids and for me.

AFL1000 posted 11/25/2019 05:33 AM

Great response ATG. Now you are playing by your rules.
...what you are asking me doesn't suit me. I will not play happy families just so you can feel better. I am going to enjoy the kids opening my Xmas presents to them without you there.

How did she take your rebuff?

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