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Different perspective 2.0

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nekonamida posted 11/25/2019 07:21 AM

Perfect responses, Atg! And JADE free too.

Sanibelredfish posted 11/25/2019 08:12 AM

Agreed; well done, ATG!

Donít forget, ďNoĒ, is a complete sentence. If you donít feel like doing something with her you are under no obligation to explain why. A normal person would understand why, but sheís not normal.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Atg100 posted 11/25/2019 14:01 PM

AFL- her reaction was to quietly repeat ď it doesnít suit you ď
But she didnít otherwise comment.
The whole experience showed me how much I dislike being in her presence .
With the festive season coming closer , there are a lot of school, kindy, sports club gatherings .
I will not be in such a small spot with her again.
The school events are usually ok, there is enough space to be far away from her.
But my daughterís kindy for example is tiny .
They have a Xmas carol singalong in a few weeks.
I will suggest that one of us goes, but not both.

I donít think that the argument ď do it for the children ď fits at all.
I would be happier and the kids have my undivided attention if Iím the only one at an event. Even if that means missing out on 50% .
The kids will learn that those special events are either with mum or with dad.
And like you said - she only did this to make herself feel better.

Funny side note - my former MIl has only now told her friends that we have separated .
One of those friends talked to a friend of mine in Perth.
ď oh , itís so sad that they have separated , they must both be devastated ď
This lady is an older traditional Italian lady, with a heart of gold.

My friend said :Ē yes, ATG is devastated . He tried everything to make it work, counselling and the like. But she had an affair leading to the divorce and is now openly talking to him about her tinder lifestyle . She canít be too unhappy ď

And left it like that.

Wintergarden posted 11/25/2019 14:14 PM

ATG often when my children were young and at school, we just could not both be at events because one of us were working. It was always accepted. That's a good idea and as long as they see support they will accept the situation. It's better than no parents attending, which was what I experienced!

On the topic of your MIL comments, they don't always see blood thicker than water, especially when they know in their hearts one is so wrong.

[This message edited by Wintergarden at 3:35 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

Marz posted 11/25/2019 14:21 PM

I donít think that the argument ď do it for the children ď fits at all.

Nope, this was all for her.

Was she thinking of the children when she destroyed the marriage and blew up the family? Nope

You are finally getting it and make no mistake you will grow leaps and bounds one that you've put up boundaries.

Plus you will become super strong.

You've finally turned the corner and figured out your life is what you make it.


[This message edited by Marz at 2:22 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

Marz posted 11/25/2019 17:08 PM

I will suggest that one of us goes, but not both.

It's totally up to you but I'd go and just be civil but distant. You do have control now so use it.

Atg100 posted 11/27/2019 05:37 AM

The kids have noticed that things are different.
My son asks me if he will one day have a step mom?
I answered maybe, but Iíd need a girlfriend first.
He nodded.
My daughter told me that she hated to live in two houses . And that she believed that mummy still loved me.
I told her that that is not the case and that mummy chose to move out.
Itís a tough gig.

AFL1000 posted 11/27/2019 05:58 AM

Out of the mouths of babes ...we often underestimate that our children, even those as young as yours ATG, are more perceptive and capable of saying wise, insightful things than we give them credit for. Expect more of these types of questions and comments from them. All you can do is answer their questions honestly in an age-appropriate way.

Did get a laugh when your son asked about a stepmom and you replied ..."I need a gf first"

Atg100 posted 12/2/2019 13:34 PM

The pain lessens every day.
We both went to a school X-mas carol singing on Friday, separately.
This was easy, as it was on the school ground and we have our own group of friends.
On Thursday there is a Kindy singalong, and that will be logistically harder - it is quite a small space.
My daughter has gifts she made for the two of us, so she is really hoping that we both come.
That is all which counts.

The next weekend will be my last with the kids for nearly 3 weeks. The school holidays will start soon, here in Australia, the kids have six weeks summer holidays over X-mas.
The first 2 weeks they will be with my ex, but due to my work commitments, I won't see them for nearly 3 weeks.
But I think I have the better end of this deal : I will fly on holidays with them right after NYE, so I think it's better to get the period of absence out of the way first.
To make the most of the last weekend for a while, I went on one of those last-minute websites and found a great deal for a resort in Mooloolaba.
( I love that name)
It's right on the ocean and we will have a great weekend. My ex, will put the kids into a holiday camp from the YMCA, during the first week of holidays.
Different circumstances, I guess, but when I see all her new clothes, see the expensive haircuts and think about the money I have to pay her - well the so called 'childcare maintenance pay' doesn't reach the kids.
The YMCA camps are great fun for sure, so I know they will be safe.

I can only influence what I am doing, in the end.

My ex has been quite coy recently "I don't want to bother you"or when she opened the door yesterday at handover in her pajamas, she sent and email "Sorry that I was in my PJs, this was inappropriate".
Who knows what she wants to achieve, but I didn't answer anyway.

Jorge posted 12/2/2019 14:20 PM

I think your soon to be x gets some sort of twisted gratification with ANY back and forth dialogue, and she feeds it opportunistically with communications (some of which are valid, but border on unnecessary) intended to reassure herself that she's okay and what she did to you and your family is okay, or at least will be.

Her self preservation trumps all and everything. She would be destroyed if you went 100% NC by sternly enforcing texting parameters and arranged a third party to handle pick ups and drop offs, etc.

I'm not suggesting or recommending it, just stating the realization that she's an extremely vulnerable, fragile, validation seeking individual and you could turn her world upside down (post divorce of course) if you wish to.

[This message edited by Jorge at 2:26 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 12/2/2019 14:56 PM

Thanks Jorge
Within the restrictions of having kids together , Iím now as close to NC as possible .
But I donít do this to turn her world upside down.
I feel better and heal.
I always answer her texts only if I have to - and then much later via email.
Marz was spot on : itís the headspace she occupies .
And at the moment NC is the best way, Iíd give her too much attention otherwise .

Buster123 posted 12/2/2019 19:17 PM

Who knows what she wants to achieve, but I didn't answer anyway.


Atg100 posted 12/3/2019 13:33 PM

My ex emailed ď have you ordered the school books for the children , how much money do I owe you ?Ē
I did this at the end of October and at the time forwarded the copies of the invoice and payment details.
She had reimbursed me for one but not two other school costs .
I forwarded the emails again to her .
She replied that she paid straight away.

This may just be the innocent actions of somebody who is doing their personal finances .
But Iím so suspicious now of an ulterior motive , I allowed her too much headspace again, instead of just thinking ď great, I have $400 ď
Apart from payment figures , I didnít put anything else in the email. Does she get a kick out such correspondence ???

AFL1000 posted 12/3/2019 19:35 PM


Why couldn't she just deal with this simple task? Why did it fall on you to be the one responsible for ordering the school books?

My interpretation is that you handled all these types of tasks during the marriage and she was reliant on you to get them done so she didn't have to worry about them. Now it's a whole new ball game and OMG she will now have to take some responsibility for making sure that tasks like these are done.

I feel it will still be a while before you are free of these types of emails as she selects things that are concerned with your kids to, as you say, require you to keep giving her headspace.

Marz posted 12/3/2019 20:46 PM

She's hoping you'll open the door.

Stay nc

NC is up to you not her

[This message edited by Marz at 8:48 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 12/3/2019 22:42 PM

AFL - I rather organise it myself , then waiting for her.
I have to pay the majority of those costs anyway, plus, Iím organised , she isnít.

She continues to lie to me anyway.
Today she wrote that she would surprisingly be on call next week Friday night, she canít have the kids .
Nursing rosters are usually published a month before.
This is the time of all the Xmas parties and social events.
Unfortunately , I will have to work that night, and this has been well documented for 2-3 months.
Itís up to her to swap her shift - if there actually is such shift.
My bullshit meter is on high.
I wish I could have my kids, as I love spending time with them, but I canít . Itís however her responsibility.
I point this out to her in a polite manner .
I told this to some of my nursing colleagues, none of them believes that she has been rostered in a surprising manner , 10 days before the shift .
She must be lying

NoOptTo posted 12/4/2019 03:43 AM

Stand firm with having her watch the kids during her parenting time. You have well established your times that you can not have the kids due to your work schedule. Any last minute pop ups in her schedule are too sketchy in well established hospitals. It will actually have to be an adult and take her responsibilities as being a mother of two kids rather then "be on call for Friday".

Atg100 posted 12/4/2019 04:49 AM

I was half tempted to email her manager and ask her why these shifts are announced in such a short time frame.
But even if I would expose her as a liar; there would just be something else, another lie to follow.
I concentrate on what I can influence and on my kids.

Freeme posted 12/6/2019 08:47 AM

Apart from payment figures , I didnít put anything else in the email. Does she get a kick out such correspondence ???
Any attention from you is good attention. She is a covert narc and HAS to get her daily fix to show she's still relevant in your life. Her different approaches innocent and stupid (calendar), involved mother (Judo), pretty and cheery (epipen), caring mother (Christmas together), coy, financially responsible... Just her trying different approaches/making different excuses to get your attention. She might not want the marriage but she doesn't want YOU to not want Her.

You know, the nurses and everyone on this forum knows that she wants Friday off for fun not work. Calling her out on it would have the opposite effect intended. She would think... he must be jelious because he is checking up on me... not, he knows I lied, so that I could party without the kids.

Your doing great with NC but it looks like daily nonsense on her end to keep in touch.

Atg100 posted 12/6/2019 16:58 PM

Her latest action was a further display of her narcissism.
All the documents concerning the financial separation and childcare agreements are now filed with the courts and we can on Monday apply for divorce.

We agreed during mediation that my lawyer would prepare the documents and that we would share the cost for filing those documents.
She now refuses to pay half of the filing fee.
Her lawyer sent two emails at $50 each to say she is now paying. The filing fee is $450 each.

I saw her at the singalong, and away from the kids I asked her why she doesn't honour her signature.

"I felt like saying no"
When I looked at her and repeated what she said, she quickly became angry, offered to pay me straight away - texted someone and left without saying properly goodbye to the kids.

I felt like saying no, so many times and it really bugged me.
I wrote an email to her, detailing all the costs I had and all the promises she had made to reimburse me or not take me to the cleaners.
I sent the email to a friend, not to my ex, who said that it was very good but should probably not be sent.

It would get her kibbles, although it is a good email, which only highlights how much money she gets from me - and how she went back on her word so many times.
For example, I paid her $20000 when she moved out to get settled in her new place.
I know that makes me chump number 1, but at that time I was worried about the kids and still thought we may get back together.
At the time we agreed that this would be an upfront payment, to be deducted from the final payout.
It was never deducted, $20000 just vanished.
And more.

But sending her that email would also give her kibbles.
I was thinking about copying her dad into this email. He is a hardworking builder with a good reputation. 'Salt-of-the-earth Ďkind of guy.

He is on the other side of the country; I am sure he gets fed bullshit by his daughter.
But here I am, on a weekend away at the coast with my kids and giving that whole situation again too much headspace.
I booked us into an apartment on the beach, I wonít see them for 3 weekends in a row.
We are just back from a long swim, I should relax, but she is again at the forefront of my mind.
Not sending this email, will be good for me.

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