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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 12/22/2019 13:59 PM

Yes, it was pretty bold.
But it also underlines how she and her parents, or at least her mother are thinking:
These are our children, we can do with them whatever we like. ATG does not need to be asked or considered.
There have been many examples which I haven't mentioned but just quietly worked my way around it:
At school, she changed the kids' postal address to her own, without asking me.
I had to go to the school, show the court orders regarding child care and get my name back on the list.
She booked my son's dental appointment on a day when he is with me - right in the middle of a busy clinic. And she knew it, that's why we have a shared calendar. I didn't talk to her, just to the dental practice to change the appointment to a more suitable time.

And this is the stuff I know about, who knows what is actually happening.

And that is just the narcissistic mind set. The children are an extension of hers, I don't matter.
I hope its get easier when the kids are older and have their own opinion. But there is still some time to go.

I hadn't mentioned one other thing, which came up in this discussion.
She told me again, that I can't talk to her cousin without her permission.
Her cousin, her husband and I are good friends and talk weekly.
When I told the cousin that I can't talk to her anymore without permission we both laughed.
But this is just another expression of narcissistic control.

Marz posted 12/22/2019 14:06 PM

It seems incredulous to normal people but these types are all the same.

Her behavior is not uncommon for a narc.

Grey rock and parallel parenting are your only good path.

It seems to me on the travel miles you could get those in your name which stops the bullshit

Marz posted 12/22/2019 14:09 PM

On the flip side. She seems to play "you have money you can pay" while IMO "you're a cheater and don't deserve anything" is more appropriate.

AFL1000 posted 12/22/2019 19:11 PM

So what's a narcissist's favourite Christmas carol:

"Hark the Herald Angels Sing ..About ME"

Merry Christmas to all🎄

Atg100 posted 12/23/2019 21:25 PM

Christmas must have turned her narcissistic mode on “ high”
I’m at work and receive a message -“ hi ATG , I was at a hotel in the city with the children , your daughter is vomiting , can you pick us up ?”
I was at work and replied so in my brief answer .

An hour later she texts “ can you watch the children for an hour after work , so I can do some last minute shopping?”
I replied that I have plans already.

She just doesn’t get it .
Or doesn’t care .
I’m not surprised anymore .

Merry Christmas to all of you at SI.
May you have a wonderful few days with your loved ones!

Marz posted 12/23/2019 21:28 PM

It'll take awhile for her to really get it.

Stay firm you'll be glad later.

Merry Christmas

Freeme posted 12/24/2019 06:17 AM

To go from

your daughter is vomiting , can you pick us up ?”
to can you watch the children....,
so I can do some last minute shopping?”
in an hour is nuts. She either wants a face to face with you or Daughter getting sick wasn't part of her plans for today and she isn't' getting enough Me time with the kids home 24/7.

Surprised she didn't have a huge uproar over the flight miles.
Keep doing what you are doing and try not to react to her crazy.

Atg100 posted 12/27/2019 22:22 PM

My Christmas

Christmas day - started with a bike ride. Then I put extra effort into decorating the dining room and making special lunch. The kids came over for 4 hours and we had a great time.
The kids completely understood that they had two Christmas celebrations. My daughter still believes in Santa; she was happy with the explanation, that Santa knows that she lives in two houses.
My ex's attempts to make me feel guilty for not wanting to celebrate at her house were luckily unfounded.
Boxing Day - I went for an early swim on the beach with a friend - himself a single dad, who hadn’t got his kids for Christmas.
My children called - Could they come back to my house for lunch and a play with their new toys?
Again, we had four hours together and when I suggested that it was time to go back to their mother's, there was no complaining.
They just go with the flow and they could see that they had a happy parent at each of their two houses.
In the evening, I had organized a little "Orphan's Christmas party "at a local pub. All attendees were single parents with no kids on Christmas, we were happy to be out of the house. I certainly would have otherwise looked at the ceiling and felt sorry for myself.
Unfortunately, I caught my daughter's gastro, which caused her to vomit on Tuesday. Friday was a write-off. I spend it in my bedroom with very frequent bathroom visits.
But - I didn't let it get to me. In the past, such little setbacks would have upset me a lot.
Being sick on my own, feeling awful - I could have quickly developed a depressive mode. No, I just saw it for what it is - a small set back, but otherwise I’m ok.
My son called me - he also got sick.
My ex felt slightly unwell. I offered to take the kids if she would get the same thing. I have so far always regretted it when I have offered her favours in the past. But I figured, the kids would be better off at my place, if their mother is physically unwell. She hasn't come back to me on that one yet.
I am however happy that Christmas is over. I think I did my best under the given circumstances, but these festivities put up a few emotional challenges. Next hurdle will be NYE and then this whole period is over.

AFL1000 posted 12/28/2019 06:27 AM

Great idea to organise the 'Orphans Christmas' party for the other single parents. I am sure they appreciated the gesture.

Sorry you and the kids got the gastro bug during the Christmas festivities. And hope you get over it quickly.

Marz posted 12/28/2019 15:30 PM

You've gotten to the realization your X was a want but you never needed her.

Congrats

steadychevy posted 12/28/2019 15:35 PM

Really good idea about the Orphans Christmas. My youngest daughter did a "geographic orphan" Christmas when she was a junior in a law firm and she and others couldn't get home for Christmas. It gives them a "family", so to speak.

paboy posted 12/28/2019 18:19 PM

Great that you are enjoying this time of the year.

Next year is going to be a beauty..

Atg100 posted 12/31/2019 14:53 PM

Its 2020 already in Australia, Happy New Year to everyone and may this new year get us all a step further away from infidelity.

I picked my kids up at lunchtime on the 31st.
My ex had spent quite a bit of time at the beauty salon to - and I am quoting AFL1000 here - camouflage her nasty character with a spray tan and new haircut and colour.
I spent NYE with my two kids, who are the people I love most. We went to a BBQ at a friend's house, they have kids and a swimming pool. We left at 8 pm and at 8:30 everyone, including myself was asleep.

My former MIL sent me a heartfelt email.
She wished me a happy new year, congratulated me for being such a good dad and interestingly - wrote that she would have done anything to set things right between my ex and me.
At first, I didn't want to answer - she is just as narcissistic, as her daughter.
This is the same woman, who just a few weeks ago accused me of "punishing her daughter" by not talking to her. And who fiddled with my children’s frequent flyer accounts.

But - and here I quote my own mother, who knows my ex MIL:
This woman doesn’t have the emotional and intellectual capacity to deal with the fact that her daughter is a cheater.

So, I wrote: Thank you for the email and all the best for 2020. Things always happen for a reason, signed ATG.
On the one hand, who cares what they think of me. On the other, they are still my kid’s grandparents and I have always liked my father in law. He is great with the kids. His biggest problem is that he has a narcissistic wife and daughter and he is an enabler. So, if I stay ‘neutral’ with them, it makes it easier if my kids spend time with them. I would still think that my former MIL would try to manipulate the kids against me, if I would do something she won’t like.
But for now, I just smile and wave. I am smarter than these people, including their daughter.

Atg100 posted 1/3/2020 19:24 PM

Greetings from Bali,
I arrived here yesterday with my kids.
I first came to this island a year ago.
It was a holiday, which was essentially booked as a big "pick me dance". Earlier that year I thought, that a family holiday would get us back together, and filled full of hopium, I booked this trip for 4.
Only 3 people went last year, only about 2 weeks after I finally kicked my ex out.
It was the right holiday then - however I saw everything through a haze, and just wanted to get through the day.
I focused on the kids and was physically present for many activities. But my mind didn't give me any rest.
When I asked my kids where they wanted to go for the holidays, they said "Bali"without hesitation.
This time our accommodation is not quite as luxurious, but last time was an over the top attempt to vow my ex. The kids don't care. There is a swimming pool as soon as you step out of the building and they had waffles for breakfast. Life can be simple.
And that is really how I think about it all this time. It's all about me - stress free time with the kids.
Whilst they were asleep I went for a long swim in the pool and then enjoyed watching the start of the day. The coffee was good. What more can you want on a holiday?
My ex messaged on the day of the departure"Have a wonderful holiday with our children. I'm sure they will bring lots of fun and happiness to you all x"
But this is just narc 1.01.
I can see it so clearly now, don't need to analyze it or wonder if there is a deeper meaning.
It's a narcissistic hoover, because she is jealous that we are having a nice time.
And just like you shoo a fly away, with a quick swipe, that message was deleted.

Marz posted 1/3/2020 20:55 PM

Nice update. You've come a long way.

Enjoy your vacation

Sanibelredfish posted 1/3/2020 21:33 PM

Well done, ATG. Well done. I’m confident you will be better off moving forward.

AFL1000 posted 1/3/2020 23:53 PM

Really positive post ATG. Especially liked your comment "...with a quick swipe that message [from ex] was deleted". The only way to deal with her texts/emails while you are on vacation with the kids.

Have a safe and enjoyable time. Hope the thunderstorms that can hit Bali during the January wet season stay away.

Buster123 posted 1/4/2020 05:50 AM

And just like you shoo a fly away, with a quick swipe, that message was deleted.

This was the part I liked the most, btw great update and enjoy your vacation with the children, I may not post that much in your thread anymore because I see you've come a long way but I always read it, nice way to start the new year.

steadychevy posted 1/4/2020 06:23 AM

Enjoy! Best wishes for you and your children.

steadychevy posted 1/4/2020 18:57 PM

With all the fires in Australia right now I'm wondering if your place is safe. I know you're out of the country on vacation with your children but how's everything back home. Praying you won't be affected.

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