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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 1/25/2020 15:06 PM

What did I ever see in this woman?
Must have been rose colored specs.

I have to pay 80% of all school costs, including uniforms.
I asked her to sent me all her expenditures prior to starting school next week.
I sent her an excel table ( love those ) of her expenditures and my costs and included the 80/20 split.
I owed her a small amount.

She doesn't understand it and wanted to send me money.

As long as her swiping finger works, life will be ok for her

[This message edited by Atg100 at 9:52 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

AFL1000 posted 1/25/2020 17:25 PM


As with the computer software issue recently that your ex sought your help with, this is her still playing games to keep you entangled in her life. "Oh I'm sorry ATG I misunderstood."

I find it hard to believe that your ex being a theatre nurse she cannot read, interpret and act on a simple spreadsheet! Also for that nursing role there is a significant degree of organisational skill required to set up the day's surgeries so her constant need to find trivial things for you to deal with I can only infer is her need to keep you on a very long leash.

Atg100 posted 1/25/2020 19:24 PM

She went a little further in her next email, and referred to things of the past and which I have apparently done wrong when we were married.

She mixed it in with issues related to the children and finances.
I went back to my favourite line with her :
Please put your expectations into the written co-parenting plan, as suggested by Relationships Australia.
Of course she wonít , but at least itís silence for now.

AFL1000 posted 1/25/2020 21:23 PM

So your ex is still quoting from the Cheater's 101 manual that the marriage failed because of things you did wrong.

Makes a mockery of her 16 January 'truly, truly sorry...' email doesn't it.

Atg100 posted 1/25/2020 21:49 PM

Yes, she again also brought in : I have now found my voice to argue my point against you.

She can use that lovely voice for whoever is prepared to listen.
I am not.

But if her desire to express herself, could lead to her writing down some expectations...
Or use the co-parenting plan.

Good news is - we have now started week long period with the kids, so I only have to see her once a week, not twice like last year

Atg100 posted 2/1/2020 14:38 PM

My son is doing it very hard at the moment.
He cries a lot, has very unspecific tummy pain and missed a day of school last week. he told me that he is sad, that he hasn't got a family anymore.

I have booked him in to see a psychologist but also a gastroenterologist, just in case I overlook a real organic cause, and put it all in the psychosomatic corner, whilst he has something real going on. We have just been to Bali, who knows if he picked up a parasite of some sort.

I think the main remedy is to tell him that I love him, even when he is at his mum's.
And otherwise make life as normal as possible for the kids.

And things are much easier for me, since I accepted the past. She wants to take the kids to school on Monday, she won't work on that day. It's officially my day and in the past there would have been a power struggle about who takes the kids. Now I just shrug my shoulders and let her go ahead.

Just one little example of her narcissism, which in the past would have annoyed me: She received the payout from our settlement. When picking up my kids the other day, she told me that she was about to go and look at property to buy. And that she decided to continue to work only 3 days a week.
"To find herself"

Have a guess who is paying for her new property and for this great lifestyle of a short work week. Of course, every time I see her, she has a new dress, her hair is beautifully done and just now she has new glasses.

All I could think was:
"I am so glad, I don't have to deal with that shit anymore".

Marz posted 2/1/2020 14:43 PM

It wonít happen overnight but if you effectively ignore her and cutoff the ego kibbles sheíll go away for the most part but itíll probably take a year or so.

Atg100 posted 2/1/2020 22:25 PM

I don't think I gave her any kibbles.
I say "hello" and "goodbye"when I am at her house, but that is pretty much it.
I didn't refer to any of her nonsense.

A friend warned me - my ex is quite naive when it comes to finances. Whilst she now has a sizeable amount of money, she can't buy a house right away.
She would have to pick up a mortgage, like the rest of us. And her lending capacity would only be based on the cash I gave her. But a nurse who only works 3 days a week, will not get a lot of money.
So she will figure out, that she actually doesn't have much cash - and her first port of call wont be to increase her work hours, but to complain to me that she didn't get enough money - or even , return to court. Here in Australia, you can return to court for up to one year to review the financials.

Marz posted 2/1/2020 22:32 PM

That sucks

Good luck on the countdown

Marz posted 2/1/2020 22:33 PM

Maybe youíll get lucky and sheíll remarry.

Atg100 posted 2/2/2020 01:44 AM

The danger here is that she finds someone clued up about the system who encourages her to sue me.
Otherwise Iíd be grateful to that bloke - he can filter out some of the nonsense.

Atg100 posted 2/9/2020 06:14 AM

Just checking in.
Iím doing very well- my ex just canít get to me at the moment.
I had to talk to her taking our so for a one on one lunch- and she made a huge deal out of it, just because she is who she is.
She so obviously wanted to wind me up and I just smiled and waved .
When she brought my son back , she asked me to sign some documents - she pre filled it but wrote my date of birth incorrectly .Thatís after a 13 year relationship . I just pointed out the error but didnít comment .

In good news - things have developed very nicely with the woman I have seen for a coffee twice now . Iím in no rush , but there is a very positive vibe which puts a smile on my face .

steadychevy posted 2/9/2020 06:31 AM

Thanks for the update, Atg. Good idea to take it slow. Enjoy "normal".

NoOptTo posted 2/9/2020 07:20 AM

Glad to hear from you ATG. Good responses to your EX. Don't give her any fuel to use against you. And I'm glad your finding pleasure in someone else's company. The future is brightening for you. I agree, take it slow. Let it grow...

Marz posted 2/9/2020 09:20 AM

she asked me to sign some documents - she pre filled it but wrote my date of birth incorrectly .Thatís after a 13 year relationship

Well it is all about her and nothing else matters much.

Did she spell your name correctly.

Atg100 posted 2/9/2020 15:32 PM

That's a good one. I wouldn't be surprised if she forgets my name.

She must have noticed that I am not angry anymore.
It's just so exhausting.
And handover we have talked strictly about the kids only.I keep it very brief.She must however think, that I want to be her friend and so at handover this morning, she asked me if I could look after the children next Sunday, whilst she is doing a trail run.
I am always happy to look after them if work and on-call commitments require a change from our roster. But I am not her babysitter.
I just said that I will be busy. It's just so predictable. Whenever I have given her the slightest inch, she always checks where the limits are.

Marz posted 2/9/2020 23:12 PM

Youíve got this now. All you have to do is maintain it.

However, when she finds you dating, seeing someone itíll probably panic her.

Just be prepared because right now she thinks sheís irreplaceable.

Never divulge anything to her about your personal life.

She will ask. Bank on that.

Just say sorry ďthatís personalĒ then leave. The key is LEAVE

Have fun with it. Stock up on popcorn

[This message edited by Marz at 11:13 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

paboy posted 2/10/2020 13:06 PM

The weeks to divorce is now in single digits.

Your relationship with your recent 'friend', looks promising.

Your wearing a smile more regularly.

The children feel your love and care every day.


Atg100 posted 2/10/2020 13:57 PM

My son's sadness is the only problem in all that.
He often complains about tummy pain - I had him checked out by a pediatric gastroenterologist who thinks that there is no organic cause.
He is booked to see a child psychologist next week.
In the meantime, I treat him with love , but it is not straightforward.
Whenever he is with friends, playing, he is absolutely pain fee. Now, kids may also ignore pain when they are with friends, but his behavior is too inconsistent to suggest that it is really an organic pain. I was really unsure, that's why I saw a recommended specialist and he did a few tests as well.

My ex tries the best she can, but that is of course limited, as you have to have empathy for other people's pain.
She wrote last week "maybe he has to harden up?"
That would be nice. He hardens up and she doesn't have to deal with this.

Apart from that, life is very good at the moment.

Marz posted 2/10/2020 14:29 PM

She wrote last week "maybe he has to harden up?"

Unfortunately life is changed forever.

I suspect he will adjust. Itís just hard upfront.

Iíve seen this with young kids. Itís not like switching a light switch. Itís anxiety and change.

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