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Different perspective 2.0

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paboy posted 2/10/2020 23:16 PM

Just keep loving him.

When the dust settles, and time moves on, and he see's your stability, and feels of your love. You will be that light and strength for him.

And that my friend, is what we all hope for. No matter what our situation may be.

And you are doing that.

steadychevy posted 2/17/2020 05:36 AM

How's it going Atg? Busy?

AFL1000 posted 2/17/2020 19:07 PM

Hey ATG

Like steady just checking in to see how things are with you after a self-imposed internet blackout while my wife and I visited New Zealand for 3 weeks.

How is your son and has his sadness and stomachaches resolved. I just wondered if they coincided with the changeover of your co-parenting schedule where you are now doing 1 week on-1 week off.

Pleased to hear things are moving in a positive direction with your female medical colleague. any updates?

Atg100 posted 2/18/2020 16:29 PM

Thanks,
my boy still has this pain on and off and didn't want to do sport on Monday.
We will go to a psychologist on Friday ; hopefully that will be helpful.

I have come to turn with the reality as it is.
Only this morning I caught myself:
I was up at 5 making school lunches.
I work as hard as I ever have, including extra work on weekends when I dont have the kids.
My cheating ex-wife works 3 days a week and had 50% custody.
Yet, I need to pay her child support?

I have accepted it as the price of freedom, but when I type it out - its just ridiculous

Buffer posted 2/18/2020 23:55 PM

Strength brother, it is what it is. But you donít have her with you.
Buffer

NoOptTo posted 2/19/2020 03:44 AM

It is the price for freedom and to live an honest life ATG. Look after your children and teach them your values and morals as you have been. Watching them grow into young adults will be rewarding for you with your guidance through the turmoil they will encounter.

Atg100 posted 2/19/2020 04:19 AM

Thanks guys ,
And I know that so many other people are worse off than me after a divorce .
Since my ex agreed to a staged payout, I was able to keep my house .
I was able to increase capacity and work more - and that helps me to pay this money. I know enough single parents who rent small apartments and canít get ahead because of the financial consequences of their divorce .
But itís easier to just think of it as a bad business deal.
And the alternative - being with her, would be so much worse !

Marz posted 2/19/2020 06:26 AM

Youíre over the hump now.

Youíve learned so the hard part is in your rear view.

Keep it there

Atg100 posted 2/23/2020 13:14 PM

I had my children last week, and this was my second week in the new system of having them for the full week. I was better organized, so I didn't have the feeling that I was constantly running behind.
My son again expressed his anger and sadness. At least he enjoyed talking to the child psychologist. And he talks much more openly about his feelings, rather than saying that he has tummy pain.
I hope that we keep on going and help him that way.

The female colleague who I have met a few times now, has sent me a couple of texts, whilst he was playing with my phone.
He wants to know who she is and has asked more than once. He has also pointed out that he doesn't want a step mum.
I explained that there is no step mum on the horizon and he was happy with that.

A friend of mine has her divorce finalized this week. She is going out on Saturday for a girls' night out and divorce party.
I am glad she is enjoying herself.
I am also happy that I am not married to a cheating narcissist anymore.
But I couldn't celebrate my divorce ( which will be on the 8th of April) in such a way.
Seeing my son's sadness, it will be a moment of reflection and contemplation, rather than a night out in a strip club.

skerzoid posted 2/23/2020 15:22 PM

Seeing my son's sadness, it will be a moment of reflection and contemplation, rather than a night out in a strip club.

And you can't do both?

Atg100 posted 2/23/2020 15:50 PM

Good suggestion .
But Iím not wired that way .
2020 has already been very god to me, Iím in a good spot at the moment . Thatís all it counts .

AFL1000 posted 2/23/2020 17:11 PM

Hi ATG

Glad you have the foresight to have your son speak to the child psychologist when issues arise and things are troubling him rather than let them fester and create more emotional turmoil for him.

Given that your son now knows you are starting to see someone I would love to be a fly on the wall when your son casually mentions "Oh by the way Mum dad has a girlfriend."

AFL1000 posted 2/27/2020 20:51 PM

Hey ATG

How is the new co-parenting schedule working out?
I have noticed that your posts to this thread have started to decrease and I have assumed that is because you are busy with your medical practice, your ex has not been creating havoc and you have some normalcy back in your life. Including the new 'friend'.😊

After the intensity of your postings in Different Perspectives Parts 1 and 2 from September 2018 I figured that the level of posting would at some point diminish as you worked through the trauma of your ex's betrayal, the separation and the divorce with the good people of SI during 2019 & 2020.

While you now may only come here to give us occasional updates or seek support I am pleased to see that you have taken your experience of getting out of infidelity by providing really insightful and helpful comments to new SI members such as Cabernet on her 'New and totally crushed' thread, that are written with empathy and understanding that can only come from being a betrayed spouse.

Hope you are in a good place at the moment. AFL

Atg100 posted 2/28/2020 06:42 AM

Thanks for checking in.
The new coparenting schedule is a stretch :
I see my kids slightly less often.
Something interesting happened yesterday :
My ex called me at 5 asking if I would still pick up my son, who is with her , to go indoor rock climbing .
Apparently he had been talking about it all week.
I had my gear in the car and was just driving - I said yes and picked him up 10 minutes later.
The surprising thing was - we had never made such plans.
I talked to him about it when we were climbing - and he told me that he missed me.
So we will try this more often, if it fits in with my exís plans - itís her time with him after all.
But Iím glad that I could make it.

He is obviously still very fragile .
Not a good time to introduce a new woman into his life .
Things have developed very nicely with the colleague I have mentioned before .
But my childrenís well-being overrides anything, so we will wait a few months or longer until things are hopefully more settled
.

NoOptTo posted 2/28/2020 11:40 AM

Glad for the update ATG. Only advice I would give is to not introduce your kids to your female friend for a good few months. Let your relationship grow with her alone. Only introduce her to the kids when your firmly satisfied that the relationship will become a lasting one for a while. Keep your kids time to the kids as you have been. They appreciate the time with daddy. Remember this is still new to their worlds too.

Good luck with your new budding relationship.

Marz posted 2/28/2020 13:55 PM

The surprising thing was - we had never made such plans.
I talked to him about it when we were climbing - and he told me that he missed me.

Hilarious, gotta love that kid. Ha, he set his own agenda.

Glad it worked out.

Marz posted 2/28/2020 13:56 PM

Let your relationship grow with her alone. Only introduce her to the kids when your firmly satisfied that the relationship will become a lasting one for a while.

Yep, itís what a great parent does.

Atg100 posted 2/28/2020 15:25 PM

Thanks , that is very good advice.
Iím currently reading ď how not to fall in love with a jerkĒ and the author recommends at least 3 months .
- there is a book for everything , but I figured my track record is not exactly great, so I better learn.
Given my soní s unhappiness at the moment, I would wait as long as it takes .

paboy posted 3/8/2020 13:12 PM

Not long now my friend. One month... Are you considering having a release ceremony of sorts? Perhaps burning/disposing of something of relevance from the marriage.
Some here on SI have gone to somewhere of endearment during the marriage and have discarded their ring there. It has been a soothing balm for them and a final release. A part of the greiving process.
You and your son have been on my mind occasionally. Talk to his Psycologist, and see if it is appropriate for him to have some release period with you on your divorce date.
I do'nt want to sound dramatic, but perhaps it would help his grieving process if you spent some time and expressed the significance of the day. Consider doing something to show that we now have to let go. Perhaps make a paper boat and let it go down the Brisbane river. Of course let him know that you will always be a safe port for him, but that the boat has gone.
Food for thought.
You have a great day my friend.

Atg100 posted 3/8/2020 23:53 PM

Anything significant from the marriage is gone.
There is nothing I could burn anymore .
Thanks for your suggestion .
My son is going through a rough time , but what seems to work is one on one time with him, at least a little bit.
I try to see him once a week when he is at my exís house.
I will do something on this day - I now think of our divorce as a good thing in my life . A new beginning so to say, and that needs to be celebrated !

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