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Different perspective 2.0

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Carissima posted 3/9/2020 02:34 AM

What about your other child? Just a word of warning it can end up causing major resentment if you're only doing one-on-one stuff with their brother during their mother's time. I know you're concerned for your son's wellbeing but your other child may only see favouritism.

Atg100 posted 3/9/2020 06:45 AM

Absolutely and you are correct to mention her .
She is a little younger and is in a happier mode.
Itís easier to spend quality time with her - she plays , colours in and is so obviously grateful for any time together .
She sleeps in my bed every night; stating that she will go back into her bedroom ď when mummy comes home ď
So I try to give her as much 1:1 as I can , but your post is a timely reminder to do more .

Atg100 posted 3/9/2020 15:12 PM

One thing I have noticed, how much more unhappy my kids are, since we changed to alternating weeks with each parent.
Last year, I had them every Wednesday to Sunday - and they were happier.
Maybe the time in between was overall shorter, maybe they had more of a routine at my house, which is their home.
Or I am the reason, I would like to think that of course, but there is much more to it.

My ex when she picked up the kids yesterday tried one of her old tricks - she has some high heels, they are pretty fancy, she knew I always liked her in those shoes.
They were lying in her car, next to my daughter's car seat.
I didn't giver the satisfaction of mentioning it, but as far as I know, narcs do nothing without intention.
However - if she has such a good time tinder dating and partying, maybe she wants the kids less.
I will mention at the next handover, that I would be prepared to have the kids more . I will put nothing in writing , but let her think about it all.

In other news, I have been dating the woman I have mentioned a couple of times in this thread.
I told her a couple of my ex's antiques more as an observation, but she called me up on it:
I may not be over the abuse, and she does not want to be involved at all in anything with my ex.
She is quite smart, so I value her opinion. I think it's ok that she mentioned it as well, given the early stages of whatever we have got.

So it's a thin line, I don't want to carry baggage in my new relationship, but the ongoing nature of shared custody, wont make it too easy, not to mention things.
I practice my resolve and my grey rock.

Marz posted 3/9/2020 15:19 PM

I told her a couple of my ex's antiques more as an observation, but she called me up on it:
I may not be over the abuse, and she does not want to be involved at all in anything with my ex.
She is quite smart, so I value her opinion. I think it's ok that she mentioned it as well, given the early stages of whatever we have got.

Just remember your X will try and sabotage any relationship you may have. Grey rock and parallel parenting need to be fully implemented.

She is smart. No one wants an x in the mix.

AFL1000 posted 3/9/2020 20:11 PM

ATG

The modified co-parenting schedule is relatively new so will take some adjustment for the kids and you and your ex. Both your kids still cling to the hope that you and their Mum will get back together. You can only answer them honestly that you will never live together as a couple, that you understand their feelings and love them and everything will be all right.

For what it's worth I would not raise the issue with your ex about taking the kids more at this time. Given what you have told us about her she will see this as a direct attack on her role as a mother "So ATG you don't think I'm a good Mum!" There is a high probability that she will use this against you. You know her best but I would err on the side of caution.

Rember she is the one who said your son 'needed to toughen up' when he was struggling with sadness and the upset stomachs. Seems that when the empathy gene was handed out she was at the back of the queue.

Nice to see that things are progressing with the new friendship but I would be very cautious in drawing her into any of the dramas with your ex. Insulate this new growing relationship from any of your ex's antics.

Atg100 posted 3/20/2020 22:25 PM

I just wanted to check in during those difficult times.
You may recall that I am a respiratory physician. Enough has been said about the corona virus in general terms, so I just want to bring up a few thoughts.
The most selfish of them all:
I thought I was entitled to a quite year!

That's not happening obviously, so we have to roll with the punches.
I tried to have a sensible discussion with my ex about the upcoming weeks and months. Influence on child care, what do we do if one of us is sick or in quarantine, what happens to the holiday plans and so on.
As you might imagine, she hasn't really thought about it all.
In her own words"I have been treating this lightly".

What did I ever see in this woman???

I have no relatives here and have a uni student who works for me as a nanny. If she would be sick, my house of cards will falter.
I have amazing neighbors, who I could count on in an emergency but not during a severe illness, lasting several weeks.

So, I learned again, that I can't rely on her in any sort of way. At least that is now clear from the start , so I can plan accordingly.

Buster123 posted 3/20/2020 23:05 PM

At least you now know what to expect and it didn't take an emergency for you to find out, prepare accordingly should it happen, my thoughts are with you doctor, you and other first responders are the real heroes putting everything on the line.

Atg100 posted 3/21/2020 15:42 PM

Thanks Buster,
the other f.. up thing is of course that she didn't practice social isolation last week.
I don't need to ask this, it's a pretty safe assumption.
Narcissists don't let corona virus dictate what they do.

Which means when she gets the kids tonight , she has a week to infect them and then hand them back to me next Sunday.

And trying to get my kids to wash their hands usually takes 2 minutes of arguing for 20secs hand washing.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/21/2020 17:04 PM

I don't need to ask this, it's a pretty safe assumption.
Narcissists don't let corona virus dictate what they do.
Yup! My X's favorite saying was "Respect much, obey little." They're all the same, aren't they?

I worry about youngest DD living with XH and the mistress. He is generally a paranoid person, so I'm sure the pandemic has him in a panic, but he takes things to the point where he might believe ridiculous conspiracy theories rather than take actual, scientifically proven precautions. Also, I wouldn't put it past him to use the benefits of mass isolation to his advantage - less traffic, less people in stores etc. Doesn't matter that the city of LA has issued an emergency order to stay at home, I guarantee he'll break it.

Here's hoping that if a shelter in place order comes through, it happens once you have the kids again! And crossing my fingers for you that they don't get sick while with your ex.

Also, aren't you glad you aren't in isolation with her?

Marz posted 3/21/2020 17:46 PM

What did I ever see in this woman???

Congrats at waking up. She didnít change. You did.

paboy posted 3/22/2020 19:38 PM

On behalf of everyone, thanks ATG for the sacrifice and service, you and the rest of the medical fraternity are doing at this trying time. Hopefully we all get through this together.

NoOptTo posted 3/23/2020 18:41 PM

Praying you stay healthy and help as many people survive this virus spreading around the world.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 3/23/2020 19:20 PM

maybe try to get the kids some hand sanitizer. Usually they will use that because it's more of a novelty.

Atg100 posted 3/24/2020 14:04 PM

Thanksgiving:
I'm a doctor, but I am not this rich.
Who can afford hand sanitizer these days??

We are practicing good hygiene, the schools were doing a good job as well.

Of course in times lie these, my ex emails me with all the health questions she may have. I am guessing no one she meets on tinder has a degree and can take over the position of medical adviser.
I have sent her the links to the government website, but I am in too minds about it.
She does her usual covert thing "This is so confusing"and I am too busy to also deal with her.

ChamomileTea posted 3/24/2020 18:41 PM

Stay safe, Atg100! Our prayers are with you. :)

AFL1000 posted 3/24/2020 21:27 PM

Hey ATG

As others have said as you are on the frontline of this crisis, stay safe.

You may have to remind your ex that she fired you from the role of in-house medical advisor. If she continues coming to you for advice and questions about COVID-19 bill her for specialist medical consultancies!! (My bad)

Atg100 posted 3/27/2020 15:32 PM

Thank you, it is truly a crisis - and seeing all the redundancies and lay-offs in the country, I almost got to be happy that I'm still working.
Even if it feels like a silly career choice at the moment.

The kids are scared. They feel that the parents are scared, that schools are shut - or even on the last day at school, they were about 5 kids in my boy's class. I was wondering what to do with them next week - school is still open, for children of essential workers, but I inquired - they expect about 10 kids from the whole school. To be supervised, but not taught by a single teacher. It sounds fairly miserable and so I employed my nanny for a whole week. That's something I can afford now, but not forever. So I really have to think about what to do after the Easter holidays. But I will come up with something.
My ex is scared, so she has been behaving fairly well and not fought too many skirmishes.
The woman I have been dating is still the ray of sunshine in this current darkness. Both doctors - we have little time to actually see each other, but when we do, it feels like a relationship should feel.
It would be far too early to introduce her to the children in normal circumstances, but with the pandemic stressing everyone out, we don't even contemplate that thought at the moment.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:37 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

AFL1000 posted 3/27/2020 17:59 PM

Hi ATG

The woman I have been dating is still the ray of sunshine in this current darkness. Both doctors - we have little time to actually see each other, but when we do, it feels like a relationship should feel.

In amongst all the crap you had to deal with over the past 20 months with your ex and now putting yourself on the frontline with all the other health professionals to deal with the pandemic, a ray of sunshine comes into your life and for that I am very happy for you.

AFL1000 posted 4/5/2020 21:58 PM

Hey ATG

Just checking in. I know you and all your medical, nursing, allied health and paramedic colleagues are working flat out dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic so I hope this post finds you safe and well. As I hope the rest of your family are, especially the kids and your elderly parents.

In checking on past posts I note that your official divorce date is 8 April. Given the shutdown of various services across Australia, including some courts of law, will your divorce be finalised in a few days? I hope for your sake this is just the judge signing off on the official paperwork and can be processed as scheduled.

steadychevy who has been a constant support to you on your threads posted that his divorce was final (see divorce/separation forum) and SI members offered him our best wishes for the future. I hope in 2 days time we can do the same for you.

Thank you and your colleagues for your continued service on the frontline of this pandemic in supporting those brought down by the virus and in doing your absolute best where possible to save the lives of our most vulnerable. You are all heroes in my eyes.

paboy posted 4/7/2020 18:15 PM

Your possibly a single man again today BUT with whats happening all over the world, you probably have not had time to allow this ocassion its rightful due.

When you can, allow the ocassion to wash over you. Allow your soul to purge itself from all the built up emotions and healings.

Flick it all off you, and allow fresh sunlight to warm and embrace.

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