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Kitty26 (original poster new member #71579) posted at 5:32 PM on Sunday, September 15th, 2019
This was the second instance. In the first instance, he told me that he was always married and loved his wife. This was after a full 6 months of living together and me supporting him. There is a kid involved so hang tight.
He cut off connections for about 3 months before messaging me trying to apologize. I was almost in the process of moving on and he stopped me in my tracks. Somewhere along the lines of, "My wife told me to do it" and "I want to be your life partner" I was sucked back in.
Things went well when he moved back in. For a year and six months we lived together. I struggled with my employment and depression and so did he. We both went to a dark place however I was in love with him and his child (who I cared for a lot with his seperated wife's permission). He on the other hand could not find a job and lost that ability to care for me and his family.
He moved back to his home town abruptly one night. I suggested a break from things so he could get his head straight and I could move there one day to be the wife that he wanted. In a week, he went back with an ex who made multiple fake profiles to even talk to him in the first place.
She cheated on him a long time ago. He was giving her a second chance and in turn cheated on me. We kept arguing. For two weeks, he did not want to let go of our friendship and I just wanted to be with him.
Finally we are at a month of silence (which was planned). I proposed to him as a last stance he said he needed time to process. Yet as the days go on he is bonding with her more than myself. His stuff is still in my home, he has my things and owes me money.
I have never been in a relationship where things went so.... off the wall. One moment you want to have a family with me and the next you're gone.
The girl is the total opposite of me. She looks for attention, does not like all the nerdy stuff that kept us close and above all cheated on him in the past.
I don't know what to do anymore. If its worth the struggle or if I should just move on. Is he even processing my propsal like he said he was? Is this friendship he wants just a way to have his cake and eat it too?
I'm hurt. I honestly believed this guy was my soul mate and I fell in love with his kiddo too.
Dragonfly123 ( member #62802) posted at 5:57 PM on Sunday, September 15th, 2019
How did you get involved with this man? Were you the affair partner while he was married? Sorry but this guy is a serial cheat and a liar. The soul mate stuff is classic cheater speak.
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.
pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 6:02 PM on Sunday, September 15th, 2019
he told me that he was always married and loved his wife
Let's just start with this - if this is the way he treated the wife he "loved" there's your answer. This guy is a user, floating from one partner to the next. Move on, this isn't love. You have no ties to him, work on yourself and don't let him drag you into a life of his indecisiveness.
~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~
Kitty26 (original poster new member #71579) posted at 6:04 PM on Sunday, September 15th, 2019
Yes but I had no idea. We met on an online dating site. Which-- I have met a lot of good people in the past online.
I'm trying to come to terms of this epic lie he built with me. Ugh.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, September 15th, 2019
He lied, but you found out about the lie and kept the relationship going.
Which betrayal are you here for? His cheating on you or his initial lies that got you into this affair?
Are you ready to end your relationship with this guy?
SI welcomes a cheater who wants to stop the A and who wants to change from being a cheater to being a good partner. I think you may find some help if you want to redeem yourself.
If you want help getting your affair partner back, SI is not for you. We can't help.
Your affair partner sounds like a leech. Why do you want him? Why would you accept the way he treats you?
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:30 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Dragonfly123 ( member #62802) posted at 6:23 PM on Sunday, September 15th, 2019
Sadly, as you’ll read here a lot of cheaters fish for affair partners in on-line dating sites. They move quickly to pull in the APs with soul mates/twu luv/kismet narratives. It works time and time again. He was utterly broken to have done this to his wife and child. He would have caused her a huge amount of trauma and pain, many of the betrayed suffer PTSD as a result of cheaters like this man. He’s now done the same to you and is working on another woman. He’ll be feeding her the same bullshit. Kitty I can tell you’re hurting but honestly he’s doing you a favour. Get away from this man and get some individual counselling to help you shore yourself up against another relationship with a man showing such massive red flags.
You’ve only been with him a couple of years, honestly, you are best out.
[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:27 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:33 AM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
At this point you have nothing to work with, do yourself a favor and exit this toxic "relationship", RUN for the hills, you really dodged a bullet, and next time don't date married men, do your due diligence and find out for sure whether they're still married or not, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs.
SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:17 AM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:02 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
Do you see how this relationship has been built on lies, surrounded by lies and has no redeeming factor?
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:03 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
I'm trying to come to terms of this epic lie he built with me. Ugh.
If you feel like this lie was epic for you, can you imagine how his wife is going to feel? This man is an asshole who is only concerned with himself and his needs.
Drop him and tell his wife!
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:04 PM, September 16th (Monday)]
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
RedHeadTemper ( member #71503) posted at 3:12 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019
If anyone ever calls you their soulmate, turn and run.
Me:BS
Her:WW same sex AP
M:4 years
EA/PA 10 months
Young children
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:16 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019
Seconded. I thought it was a cute romantic thing that my XWH called me that. Ha.
DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
Justgetitoverwith ( member #70459) posted at 9:01 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019
Third-ed. WS only called me his soulmate after I found out about the cheating. It was totally manipulative.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:20 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019
Move on. He’s not a catch - he’s a catch and release meaning you throw him back in the pond. 
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:25 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019
RUN Kitty Run away from this monster
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
Kitty26 (original poster new member #71579) posted at 1:49 AM on Friday, October 18th, 2019
Hey guys its me again! After a bit of time and a lot of talking with people who care about me I have successfully moved on. I am civil with my ex and am dating other people. I still pride myself on my freedom so I haven't really felt the need to dive into anything serious but I feel amazing.
I also have a new job I love.
I want to thank everyone for their encourging words and advice.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:06 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2019
He called me his Soul Mate
He lied because he did not mean it.
So sorry for you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
dblackstar2002 ( member #70704) posted at 11:42 PM on Friday, October 18th, 2019
Uhhhh! I want to find the crappy writer who coined this phrase and beat the crap out of him! There is no such thing! There are billions of people on this planet! You truly think you can have a deep connection with only one? Uhhh! I am going to find this fool before he does more damage to realtionships!!!!!!!
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:23 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2019
I wish you the best. Um ... you HAVE decided to stay away from M men, right?
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 4:38 PM on Saturday, October 19th, 2019
I honestly believed this guy was my soul mate and I fell in love with his kiddo too.
This guy is slime think about who introduces his kid to his affair partner while still married? That is some messed up crack right there.
And soulmate material... just no... this is more like soulless!
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
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