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Kaw62615 posted 9/23/2019 16:22 PM

Is it "better" that AP was just a sex worker? No emotions involved? Nonetheless, I struggle so much with healing, anger and pain after a year. I'm sure some of you have been in this situation.

I used to be a sex worker. That's how we met. I didn't find out until much later, after they broke up, that I was the AP with his last girlfriend. And so I feel so stupid that I fell for it. Ignored the signs. Why wouldn't he do to me what he's done to others? Was I such a special snowflake? It's so easy, he says when I ask him why? Just go online, a simple little phone call, whip out some cash, and you get that quick fix. If that's the case, what's to stop him from doing it again? There's always going to be sex workers. It will always be easy. It will always be tempting.

It was just physical. One IC therapist asked me, well you used to be a sex worker. Can you see that it was emotionless? That is was unmeaningful, and purely physical? I don't know. I'm sure I'd be even more hurt if emotions were involved. But for now I feel like a wounded animal, with an open, bleeding gash. His description of it being awful and not worth it, horrible sex does not make me feel any better. I can't believe he was inside someone else. And I know this is sick, but a quick google search and I can look up her website, her porn videos, see what she looks like.

I know there's no comparison. Not a teeny fraction of the love he feels for me. But how could he? Throw away the amazing beauty of what we had for something so cheap? Did he think about me as he drove to that hotel? Did he feel disgust and guilt as he left?

Some people say affairs lead to a stronger, better new relationship. And to be honest, I don't know if he would have treasured me until he realized he would lose me. After that, he had me move in, proposed, married me, made so much more of an effort to love me until afterwards. No relationship is perfect. But it would have been that much more so if he didn't do something so stupid and "not worth it".

JS84 posted 9/23/2019 16:34 PM

I don't think it's better or worse necessarily. What's important is how what he did made you feel, and you sound devastated. You also shouldn't feel stupid. It just sounds like you trusted the wrong guy. Sorry you're going through this.

survrus posted 9/23/2019 16:46 PM

Worse because there's an element of exploitation when a person goes to a sex worker. It's a very unequal relationship. A person has to be rather heartless to treat another person as a sex toy.

With that said I have nothing against sex workers, just their customers, pimps and others who make money from them.

Justgetitoverwith posted 9/23/2019 18:37 PM

I'd say yes.
An emotionless PA is better than one where they had loving feelings for AP.
A ons is better than a LTA.
An 'accidental' A is better than a premeditated one.
A WS who comes clean themselves is better than one who lies and TT.

But that doesn't matter. ANY A is devastating. The details don't change the pain that the BS feels. It might possibly have a bearing on how likely the WS is to be remorseful and not re offend.

But you're in a difficult position anyway. You knew he liked using sex workers, even though he had a gf. Why would you ever want to get involved with someone with such low morals? I know that sounds harsh, but it seems like you walked into that one yourself. Unless I'm misunderstanding what you said. You're right though. He enjoyed it, why would he stop, as it's so easy. I'm sorry.

Rideitout posted 9/23/2019 18:58 PM

But that doesn't matter. ANY A is devastating. The details don't change the pain that the BS feels. It might possibly have a bearing on how likely the WS is to be remorseful and not re offend.

^^This.

Yes, an A with a sex worker is probably "better" in the terms of awful that are affairs simply because there's likely no emotional component, even faked, involved in it. No endless questions "did he really love her" or any of that rumination. But, we're comparing 3rd degree burns over 40% of your body to 3rd degree burns over 50% of your body. Both are awful. I don't agree that there aren't "degrees of awful" in an affair, I think that some are worse than others. However, that's just for me personally, I wouldn't be much fazed by an EA where a PA rips me apart. So my personal scale puts "PA is worse than EA". But that's just me, and my scale doesn't matter for you, in fact, none of our scales matter; you get the only vote on how awful this particular affair is.

And, I'll say, in my viewpoint, there's really not much difference between the sex worker A and your typical WH. Both are paying for sex, one with money, and the other with words (which are commonly lies). So please don't feel like your situation is that different than most, it's not.

Kaw62615 posted 9/23/2019 19:03 PM

I know, I did walk into it. He had been texting them for the whole first year, and I knew it but let him lie about it. I don't know exactly why. I think I believed his excuses about his previous relationships didn't apply to us so I believed we were immune. It was my first real relationship and the first time I'd been so in love. I think that's why I averted my eyes. I think he loves me a lot more and knows the consequences will be losing me or the possibility of not having our family which we really want. I just hope I'm not being stupid again.

ibonnie posted 9/23/2019 19:43 PM

I didn't find out until much later, after they broke up, that I was the AP with his last girlfriend. And so I feel so stupid that I fell for it. Ignored the signs. Why wouldn't he do to me what he's done to others?

If someone cheats with you, they'll also.be willing to cheat on you. There's a saying -- when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If I were you, I'd get my ducks in a row and leave. You deserve better than a serial cheater.

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/24/2019 07:10 AM

ITA with survrus. There's something extra despicable about someone who uses sex workers. It's exploitative even if the person says s/he enjoys the work.

Your CH says it's easy? Isn't it easier to have sex with your partner who is right there next to you? That argument is bullshit.

The IC who tried to use your past to justify your CHes behavior was way off base, being just as exploitative, imo.

It doesn't seem to me that your CH is redeemable.

DevastatedDee posted 9/24/2019 10:26 AM

Everyone has a different reaction and it's probably a "grass is greener" effect, but I think it's worse that my XWH went to prostitutes. Way worse. I feel like if he had betrayed me because he developed feelings for someone else, that would be reprehensible but at least I'd have some ability to understand why his brain was so fucked as to do it. But to destroy me over prostitutes? The fuck? Over "meaningless" sex? He had all the sex waiting for him at home in just about any way he'd want it. So he just had to get laid with people who weren't me? Just purchase people half my age? That right there is devastating. That wrecked me.

I think a man who does this while married has some seriously deep issues that don't lend them to being R material. I think you have a potential shot at R with an idiot who thought he fell in love with someone else, but I don't see it with this kind of cheater. This kind of guy sees other women as things he can purchase to make himself feel better with no regard whatsoever to you or them as human beings. This is never R material, in my opinion. Never. Once visiting prostitutes becomes no more challenging to a man than hitting a drive thru at lunch, there's not much to work with there. The odds of him doing it again and again are sky high.

sleeplessincali posted 9/24/2019 15:56 PM

I would say, with little exception men who visit prostitutes have addiction and emotional detachment issues. Many if not all start with a porn addiction that eases into sex addiction.

There is an addiction component on top of the infidelity.

Justgetitoverwith posted 9/24/2019 16:19 PM

I see your point there Dee. And I completely agree that someone who has visited numerous prostitutes is not going to be able to safely R. It's a completely different attitude than the 'special friend' A attitude.

MaryannFaithful posted 12/1/2019 15:27 PM

I am "lucky" to get the crap of both worlds. WS saw prostitutes but hid it from himself by lying to himself. These were just "friends" that were in a need. He met them on a "dating site". When I found out he paid them every time, and he had sex with most of them, I knew exactly what was going on. It was obvious to anyone but him. He was totally delusional when I first found out. He told me he actually loved two of them. Took 4 months for him to see they were prostitutes.

So I am dealing with trying to R with someone that used women like sex toys, couldn't deal with it but instead of stopping convinced himself he wasn't a sexist bastard, by putting a veneer of "friendship" and caring over it all.

He says now he didn't love them, it was defensiveness. I was in his face trying to get him to see they didn't care about anything but money.

I went through feeling like he threw me away for nothing more than sex, plus the endless questions of did he "loved" them, what did they actually mean to him, did he want to leave me for them, and so on.

Bonus points because he used my pet name with two of them, wrote them love notes, and took them to places that we went when we were dating. He says most of this was to feel like he wasn't being the old creep that was using women half his age for sex.

I agree with others, that everyone has a, "this is the worst that you could have done", and it's usually whatever they did. I think there is a psychological response to feeling like it would have been better if it was X, Y, or Z. I think it has to do with owning the massive pain we are in. Our pain is the worst, because nothing could feel as bad. Just a guess though. I usually cope by seeing "things could be worse". I have never done that with his infidelity. It has always been "it wouldn't have been as bad".

Reece posted 12/2/2019 12:59 PM

Ive posted a similar but related question in the past and everyone has a different opinion, typically informed by their own experience.

For me it was definitely better that my wife's affair was purely sexual. This made our reconciliation easier as their were no third party emotions involved. The flip-side is that I know she specifically sought out a lover to give her what she felt she was missing at home (this wasn't through a lack of effort in the bedroom on my part, but rather, as she explains it, it is just what she prefers or requires to be sexually satisfied). As a man this was really hard to take. Although Ive also had many women explain to me that the feelings of inadequacy/shame aren't exclusive to just men and both sexes experience these.

So I believe its easier for it to be just sexual but many people will have a different view.

DesertLily posted 12/2/2019 14:50 PM

Not all As with sex workers are emotionless. Your relationship with your W is a perfect example of that. You did form a bond.

My WH carried out a long-term A with one particular sex worker. Honestly believed she was a friend. He told her everything about me, our relationship, our sex life. And I only know this because I've spoken with her. That was a much bigger betrayal, IMO, than the sex.

Don't get me wrong, there's something truly sick about paying for sex. I've been in therapy long enough to understand the emotional mindset of the men who do so.

Both are awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.

Justgetitoverwith posted 12/2/2019 15:51 PM

Funny this should reappear this morning. I am in the middle of an argument with wh about sex workers. He has been around colleagues who were using them while on deployment, and doesn't seem to think there is ANYTHING wrong with it. In fact, tje only thing he says as a reason why je wouldnt do it is because he would not want sex with someone he had to pay for it. He refuses to say anything else. I find this totally disturbing. He's basically saying he'd fuck a st r anger who'd done thousands of men before him, if he didn't have to pay.

I have read a lot over the years, and it appears that the vast majority of the clientele are married men. So how is it right to provide a service which directly caters to and enables this? It's vile. Sorry, OP, but it is.

sleeplessincali posted 12/2/2019 18:12 PM

It is often not emotionless. Many times it leads to ILYs and years long relationships.... It is every escort or ex porn stars goal to pile up regular customers or "friends" to help support them and thier own habits. The KISA is happy to help his friend and dysfunctional sugar daddy relationships develope from a screwed up sense of helping.

It's hard to put the puzzle pieces together.

deena04 posted 12/2/2019 22:01 PM

The mindset of someone that pays for it disturbs me. It has always seemed like the most distant way to be with someone just for kicks. I’m not wired that way. What causes someone to go to a sex worker? I’m not sure anyone will ever really understand.