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Girlfriend (25F) cheated and left me (26M) for him after 7 years

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Mynamedontfi posted 9/30/2019 12:51 PM

Background:
I am a 26 y/o engineer with a stable career. She is a 25 y/o nurse. We started dating in college and we were together for almost 7 years. This was my first relationship and her first serious relationship. We had been living together for 3 years at this point. We recently moved back to our home state after moving out of state together for a job opportunity I received after graduating. Upon moving back, she was still applying for permanent positions and took a temporary summer job at a children’s summer camp she used to attend growing up and work at in college. I have been to this camp before to visit her in the past and I have met the staff. The camp is a 4 hour drive from our new home.

We have been having relationship issues for a couple years now. Small arguments here and there but the biggest issue for me was the lack of intimacy. Once every 2-3 weeks is not frequent enough for a 25 year old couple in my opinion. She has very low self-esteem and would repeatedly state that she never felt attractive and never was in the mood. I would always be the one to initiate intimacy and I would always do all the work. She was very selfish and would refuse to reciprocate intimate acts. I don’t have to go into details but I spoiled her rotten intimacy wise.

She accused me of not being attracted to her because I would always nag her to come to the gym with me and make healthier food choices. We both had gained a lot of weight in college and I was taking steps to get back in shape. She would always comment on how she didn’t like the way she looked and how none of her clothes fit right. I would remind her that I love her but that I would help her and support her since she wanted to lose the weight. I also wanted her to lose the weight of course but she took that as me wanting her to change and not loving her unconditionally.

I feel as though I was a great boyfriend to her and treated her very well during the course of our relationship. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. We got into arguments. I would yell and get upset with her. But I would always apologize and admit when I was wrong. I was always the partner who wanted to sit down and discuss our issues. She was just very immature and never wanted to admit her own part in our issues or put effort into changing them. One argument we had made her so upset that she went and stayed at a friend’s house that night instead of talking through the issue with me.

I treated her very well. I would bring her food and coffee during her long hospital shifts. I would surprise her and cook dinner for her and have wine waiting for her after she comes home from a long shift. I surprised her with a trip to Vegas one year. Took her to a magic show, zip lining, steak dinner, nice hotel, I even chartered a private helicopter to fly us over the strip. I baked heart shaped mozzarella sticks for her and put it in a heart shaped box and wrote “from your cheesy boyfriend” on it. I took her to an elephant sanctuary for her birthday one year, she loves elephants. I created a scavenger hunt for her on our college campus one year just for fun. I hid notes with riddles on them around campus that would lead to the next riddle and finally a bouquet of flowers at the end. I would bring flowers to the restaurant ahead of time on Valentine’s Day and tip the waiter extra to bring them out for her.

I took her to a gourmet chocolate making class one anniversary. I made her a message in a bottle and took a piece of paper and burned the edges and soaked it in coffee to make it look old. I wrote on it “together we can weather any storm or any wave no matter how high”. I hid it in the sand near this lake and had her find it. I took her snow mobiling in Tahoe one year for her birthday. The list goes on. I made these gestures for her because I love her and wanted to surprise her and show her how much she means to me. She would make social media posts about how much she loves me and how she wants to spend her life with me and cant image being without me and how fortunate she is to have someone like me love her and treat her the way I do.

She had been wanting to get married since we were in college. She has always wanted her dream wedding since she was a little girl and had been planning it for years. She had set a budget of $30,000 for the wedding and the ring she wanted was very expensive. I told her I would compromise on the ring but that we needed to be financially responsible and buy a house before committing that much money into a wedding. She would always send me pictures of rings and decorations and venues and we were serious about a life together. We had our kids names picked out and even started house shopping together after relocating.

Her biggest goal in life was to be a mother and start a family. Prior to her starting work at the summer camp she sent me a post about buying your wife mimosas on the weekends. I joked that she wasn’t my wife yet and she responded “well then let’s change that”. She wanted to get married to me and had no plans to leave me before going off to camp. I had already been ring shopping with her two closest friends and had the proposal planned out. I was going to take her up in a hot air balloon and do a champaign toast midflight and propose. I even had a speech written. I just never pulled the trigger on the ring because I wanted to fix the intimacy issues before committing to marriage.

Incident:
After relocating back to our home state she went off to work at the summer camp. The camp was two sessions: 4 weeks, then 3 weeks. I went to visit her during the 4 week period and spent the day/night with her at camp. I met all the new staff and I brought her flowers and cookie dough to apologize for putting up such a fight about visiting her. I was dreading making the 4 hour drive there and back the next day. I know I was wrong to put up a fight about visiting and I admit that I was wrong in this regard.

My birthday fell between the two camp sessions and she came home to spend the weekend with me and my family to celebrate. When she got home she told me that she was unhappy. She had been talking with some of the older female camp staff about our relationship. She mentioned that we fight too much and along with our lack of intimacy she said we had too many issues. Unfortunately we didn’t have much time to discuss the specifics that were making her unhappy. We had birthday plans for dinner and plans with my family the rest of the weekend. I really wish we would have sat down and talked through the issues before this had happened.

After my birthday weekend she went back to camp for the last 3 week sessions. That is when I stopped getting texts back from her and she wouldn’t take my calls often. She stopped saying “I love you” which was a huge alarm for me as we would ALWAYS say that back to each other often. When she finally did pick up the phone she just told me that she was unhappy and that I should not propose to her. I desperately wanted to talk to her about it and she said she didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone. I freaked out and went and bought a temporary ring to show her I was committed to her and that I had already planned on proposing. I brought flowers and drove up to camp on that Sunday afternoon.

When I got there she was extremely angry with me. She told me it was disrespectful to show up there unannounced and that I was trespassing. I had been to camp multiple times before to visit and there was no reason I wasn’t allowed to be there. I told her I loved her and wanted the life together that we had planned. I tried to give her the flowers and she wouldn’t accept them. I asked why she was unhappy and why she wouldn’t accept the flowers. All she said was that she had feelings for someone else. This shocked me. We had been discussing marriage for years and I couldn’t imagine her being open to wanting another person. I asked who it was because I had met all the adult male camp staff and had no idea who it could have been. She refused to tell me.

I asked if we could speak in her room privately and she said “I am just warning you, there are flowers in there from him”. This hurt so badly. I told her she can’t accept flowers from another man, that we are in a relationship and that is so wrong. All she did was nod. I asked if she had cheated on me and she said no. I never had any reason to not trust her before so I believed her. At this point I was crying hysterically and talking in circles. I tried to give her the ring and tell her I had planned a proposal and she wouldn’t accept it.

I told her she was my whole world and that I was willing to make changes and work through any issue that was making her unhappy. She just acted so cold and wouldn’t even talk to me about why she was unhappy. I told her it was late and that I had planned on staying the night and talking this through with her. She told me that I am not staying and that I needed to leave. I told her I really didn’t want to leave until we had time to discuss the situation. She started to get very angry and threatened to call security on me if I didn’t leave immediately.

I couldn’t believe this girl who I loved more than anything, who was my partner, who I was going to marry was going to call security on me. I begged her to talk things through with me and then she went to pick up the radio to call security. At this point I had to leave. I asked if we could speak when she came home from camp that Friday. She told me we could talk but that we are not together anymore. This broke me. After almost 7 years together and all the love and memories and plans for the future she just ended it like this. With me in tears, begging to work on things, she threatened to have me escorted off the camp site and then broke up with me right then and there. On my 4 hour drive home at night I texted her begging her to reconsider and telling her how much I loved her and wanted to make things right. She replied telling me that I needed to stop contacting her.

I took the next day off work because I was an emotional mess. I had to know who this person was and how she could throw away almost 7 years and the future we had planned over someone she had met only a few weeks prior. I invaded her privacy for the first time in our entire relationship and I logged onto her Facebook account. I saw these horrible messages between her and this guy. She had been cheating on me for weeks.

I had met this guy. I shook his hand. She introduced me as her boyfriend. This person knew we were in a committed relationship and he still pursued my girlfriend. He is a horrible person. He is a home wrecker. I was going to marry this girl. I don’t like to poke fun at people who are down on their luck or having a hard time in life. But this guy is the definition of a loser. He has poor hygiene, a gross ungroomed beard and dresses horribly. He is much older than us, in his 30s. He has no education just a high school diploma, no career, no nothing. He is a camp counselor during the summer and the camp wilderness expert. He can’t provide for her. He can’t support her let alone the family she wants. He can’t provide the nice house she wanted, the nice vacations and trips we wanted to take, the expensive wedding/ring, sending our kids to private school like she wanted. She likes the outdoors and camping and that’s the only reason I see her being attracted to this person.

She felt lonely and neglected because of lack of intimacy in our relationship and she claimed that I played too many video games and prioritized my friends over her. I always invited her to spend time with me and my friends but she would refuse saying she doesn’t want to sit there bored watching us play games. This guy showed her attention while she was away at camp. He bought her flowers and wine and chocolate. They were in this romantic environment away from society sleeping under the stars each night. No real world problems or stresses. She just totally neglected her commitment to me and our relationship and fell for him. She started an entire emotional and possibly physical affair. It hurt me so badly.

He wrote her love letters. She told him her bed smelled like her and he replied that he had sprayed cologne on it. She told him how amazing she thought he was and how she could smell her bed all day. He said he wished he would have kissed her the other night when they went camping together. That it was so hard to hold back their desires for each other. She told him it really wouldn’t take much. He said he would blush but all the blood was rushing somewhere else. She would send kissy faces and winky faces to him. It was sickening to read. Even to type this it makes me feel ill.

They went to a theme park together and posted pictures together on social media. She messaged him “my mom thinks we should take these pictures down, I don’t want my boyfriend looking into it or getting any ideas. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Her mom was like a second mother to me. Even she knew about the cheating. He quoted closing time lyrics to her about every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end. When I had left camp that night he messaged her that he heard she handled me well. She replied “yeah he was freaking psychotic”. I wasn’t psychotic. I was hysterically crying and begging the love of my life not to throw away everything we have built and dreamed about. I was not acting aggressive at all and I would NEVER hurt her.

She came home that Friday to gather her clothes and belongings and move out. I confronted her about the messages I found. She told me that she didn’t think what she did was cheating. She said “I guess our definitions of cheating are just different”. I showed her best friends the messages and they agreed that she cheated and couldn’t believe she could do this to me. I begged her to stay and once again told her I loved her and wanted to work through our issues together. I just wanted to know why she was unhappy and what I could do to make changes. I told her I found a cheap flight to Barcelona and that we should just be spontaneous and go and just rekindle our relationship on the way.

She told me she had made up her mind and that I wasn’t respecting her decision. She said she loves but isn’t in love with me. She said she sees a future with this person and that he treats her the way she wants to be treated. I said “how can you see a future with someone you met 3 weeks ago? You don’t even know this person. That doesn't make any sense” She told me that she made a “mistake”. I told her a mistake is an isolated occurrence and something you do on accident. I told her that she didn’t make a mistake. It was a conscious decision she made to cheat on me and she had been doing it for weeks.

She is just extremely immature and spoiled. My friends and family always told me that but I just ignored the red flags because I was so in love with her and attached to her. Back in college I took her out to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate her getting into nursing school. We had a nice dinner and on the way out I noticed she was very upset. I asked why and she told me she was disappointed that I didn’t put more effort in and tell the waitress we were celebrating a special occasion so she would have put a candle in the cheesecake. It was the most ungrateful thing I have heard from her and that was our first big fight. That happened about 2 years into our relationship.

I remember kissing her at home about a year ago and she told me she didn’t feel butterflies anymore. I just think that is ridiculous. You’re not going to feel butterflies every kiss after the honeymoon stage ends especially 7 years into a relationship. When I surprise her and woo her like I did, that’s when she should feel butterflies. I believe she lacks the maturity to understand what she had with me and to be grateful for it. She threw away someone who truly loves her and would never lie to or cheat on her.

I wrote her a letter a few weeks ago which was about a month after she moved out. I titled the letter “commitment”. I reminded her of all the love and memories we shared. I talked about our dreams that we wanted and all of the trips we would never get to take and children we would never get to have. I told her to scroll back through her social media and read all the posts she wrote and notes she wrote to me about how much she loves me and wants to spend her life with me and can’t imagine her life without me.

I told her to remember how badly she wanted to marry me and how often she would send me pictures of rings. I said that if she truly had wanted to marry me then she would have been willing to take the wedding vows. One of those vows is to stick together through thick and thin. Our relationship had been in a rough patch for a while now. It was “thin” and we needed to sit down like adults and work through our issues. Instead, I told her she chose to just jump ship.

I told her she abandoned me and her commitment to our relationship. I said she didn’t need to have a ring on her finger or a marriage certificate to have a commitment to me. All these years together and all these talks about the future I felt was a commitment in itself. I asked her once again that if she had truly ever loved me and if she was truly the women I met all those years ago and the same women who wrote all those love letters to me and made all those posts about how she can’t imagine a future without me then she would come back to me and work through our issues together.

Her response was so hurtful. She said she was sorry that I was hurting so badly. She said that she knows we had good times but that she also remembers all the bad times. She said she was always waiting for the good times to turn to bad times and tears. She said she misses my friendship but not our romantic relationship. She said we fought too much and wasn’t happy. She said she has moved on and found her happiness in life. She told me that even though it hurts me she wants me to know she’s happy now. She asked me to stop sending her letters and reaching out to her. She told me to move on. She blocked my phone number and that’s the last contact I had with her.

If she was unhappy she should have respected and loved me enough to sit down and talk to me. If she was truly that unhappy and didn’t want to work on the relationship then at least do me the courtesy of telling me to my face and break up with me. She didn’t have to cheat on me. She didn’t have to absolutely destroy me. I feel like she is living in a fairytale with this camp wilderness guy. She moved into her own apartment and is now seeing this guy. Again, he can’t provide for her and I really hope she doesn’t end up with him. I care for her so deeply and love her more than anything in this world. I want her to have a happy life, I just wish it could have been with me. My friends and family always told me she took me for granted. No matter how much I did for her, how much I tried to communicate with her and make compromises to make her happy she would just never be satisfied. My mother and sister told me she is selfish and immature and doesn’t deserve me. But that doesn’t stop me from loving her. I hope one day she realizes that she made a huge mistake. She would have had a great life with me and I would have provided everything she wanted in life. Now I don’t know if I will ever hear from her again.

I miss her terribly. I miss kissing her goodnight. I miss cuddling with her. I miss waking up next to her. I miss going to dinner with her and trying new restaurants. I miss talking to her and sharing exciting news with her. I miss our date nights and going on trips with her. My heart hurts constantly. She wasn’t just my partner, she was my best friend. I go back and forth between crying and missing her to being angry and hating her for cheating on me. I have that image burned into my mind of them together at the theme park and them sleeping together camping out. I’m still in disbelief that she could do this to me after all these years and after all the plans for the future we made together.

I keep thinking that the girl I knew could NEVER do this to me. When we started dating she was being used by all these guys in college. When we started dating she told me how she got cheated on in high school by a guy she went to this very camp with. She told me it hurt so badly and that it was her worst nightmare. She made me promise that I would never cheat on her. I told her that I am not that kind of person and that I could never do that to her, that the guilt would eat me alive. I just find it ironic that after almost 7 years together she could turn around and do this to me. The very thing she was most afraid I would do to her. And for her to lie about it, hide it, and then deny that it was cheating. It kills me.

I know my story isn’t as bad as some others out there. I have read about way worse situations. “Lucky you didn’t buy the ring, be glad you didn’t marry her or buy the house or have kids yet,” people say. It still hurts. It still feels like the end of the world for me. People tell me that I’m only 26 and that it was my first relationship and that I am still young and I will find someone. I hope I find someone else. But I am afraid I won’t find someone who I will love as deeply or as passionately as my ex. She was my entire world. Any comments, feedback, advice, kind words, really anything the community here can provide would be greatly appreciated. I lost tons of sleep and almost 20 pounds over this. I have frequent panic attacks and find myself crying at home and in public. I try to keep busy, try new things, new hobbies and meet new people. I have been making better food choices and go to the gym often. I just figured I could post here for some support. Thank you in advance.

TL;DR:
My girlfriend of almost 7 years cheated on me and left me for someone she had only known for 3 weeks. He is not a good person and can’t provide for her. We had plans for the future and she just walked away from them and tossed me aside like garbage.

Comments:
I know I sound biased and that you are only reading my side of the story. I know I made mistakes in the relationship and I own those and have apologized for them. I know grand gestures are not all there is to love and of course I was there for her emotionally and tried to communicate with her. I have read the 5 love languages book but unfortunately only after the break up. I love her. I miss her. I hope she reaches out to me one day when she realizes how big of a mistake she has made. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[This message edited by Mynamedontfi at 8:29 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Marz posted 9/30/2019 13:01 PM

Wake up!!!!!

She is not marriage material.

Go complete no contact and be thankful you didn't marry her.

All you're getting are bullshit excuses to justify her unjustifiable behavior.

Listen up. All cheaters do this. It'll be hard for you to believe but your X is just a very common cheater. Nothing special about her at all. They all for the most part do what she's doing.

Sorry you're going through this but this is who she is. You would be extremely wise to see it for what it is and move on.

Marz posted 9/30/2019 13:06 PM

I am afraid I won’t find someone who I will love as deeply or as passionately as my ex. She was my entire world

Bud, you sound like a lovesick teenager. You need to grow up some. She didn't want sex with you but likes it with her new BF.

There is no such thing as one and only, soulmate, etc. there are many who could fit that bill.

She's not your world either. A real special girl doesn't cheat and dump you like this so wake up to reality and take her off the pedestal you've put her on. She doesn't deserve it. It's only in your mind.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/30/2019 13:42 PM

People really should stop buying into romance novels and life time movies! Bud there are billions of people on this planet over half on women. Do you really thing you can have a connection with only one? I must agree with many here. Take her off of the pedestal you have her on. If she was truly the love of your life she would not only still be in it, She would never have cheated on you......

Odonna posted 9/30/2019 13:50 PM

You are desperately hurting. That is to be expected.

I think you based a lot of your relationship on expectations and romantic fantasies that she did not necessarily share. She got caught up in your future projections, but was not enthused about sex with you, and she was conflict avoidant on top. It sounds like she was very relieved to find a way out. I do not say that to hurt you, at all. But you ask over a dozen times in your post “why” and “how” she could betray you and not discuss everything, and I think your post answers that question, sadly.

Please give up on changing her mind. Accept the judgment of your family that she was wrong for you in ways you did not want to see. And, most importantly, get into IC and figure out why you chose her and idealized her, and controlled her (all your elaborate surprises did not allow her any input let alone control over how you celebrated your relationship). Put all that energy and passion into figuring yourself out, WITHOUT making yourself the perpetual martyr.

You can do it, with time....

Robert22205https posted 9/30/2019 14:58 PM

I'm sorry for your pain. Your story is one of betrayal which is pretty much like ours. Same characters, same plot, same script, and sadly the same ineffective response on the part of the betrayed.

However,in your case you are young, no kids, and can start over with someone that loves you and treats you with respect. You deserve better than her so stop trying to 'nice' her back.

Among other things, a cheater is enabled by the following characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lacking empathy for their partner. You're lucky you found out about her.

First they have to admit they are broken and accept blame for cheating. Under the best case scenario it takes 3-5 years of hard work to reconcile and is often motivated by kids or financial reasons.

1 - crying and begging never works
2 - you are not responsible for her decision to cheat (she had other options)
3 - it sounds like an exit affair
4 - she choose to cheat and exit rather than attempt other coping mechanisms

STOP all communication with her (block your phone email etc). Anything she says or reaches out for is toxic. She may wake up and come begging back to you (mr money and security) - but it's not in your best interest to R.

Judge her entirely by her actions (cheating, lying etc) not her promises or excuses.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:59 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Serpico posted 9/30/2019 15:33 PM

For what it is worth, here is my assessment of your situation:

You: A solid guy with great intentions and all of the potential for a remarkable future.

Her: Opportunistic, narcissistic and emotionally immature.

My advice is going to echo a lot of the advice from other posters here. You seem like a sensitive guy, so please understand it is being said with respect and a sincere intention to help you through the pain that you are in.

First, you need to drag her down from this pedestal that you have her on. She is only a human being with the same potential for flaws like every other human being.

In fact, it may do you some good to try to consider abandoning this idea of her (or anyone in the future) as being a soul mate. This idea has always perplexed me. Supposedly there is 'the one' person that was sent from some heavenly plane that was destined to be the one person that would bring us all of the happiness that is due us in our lives and yet, we always manage to find this person living in the same town, working in the same job or attending the same college as us. It would seem to me that if this one special person existed, they would be rare and thus, a lot more difficult to find.

I think a more realistic approach would be to understand that relationships are working agreements taken on by two willing partners who are on the same page emotionally and ethically.

If the other person is not on the same page, all of the future plans, vacations, scavenger hunts and trips to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate a special event are not going to make a bit of difference. Sometimes we can invest a little to much in someone else. Your ex has demonstrated this to you. Take it as the valuable lesson that it is.

These things will, however, make a difference to the person who is on the same page as you and you should be thankful because your ex has freed you up to find that person.

Do not squander such an opportunity by pining for this woman any longer! Do not do the pick me dance! Take charge of the situation and of yourself!

Commit to living well for yourself. You seem to have all of the resources you need to do so.

I guarantee that once she figures out that the bearded wonder isn't half the man that you are, she will try to get back in touch with you. You can then tell her that even though it hurts her, you want her to know that you are happy now.

Strength to you my brother!

Mynamedontfi posted 9/30/2019 15:42 PM

You can then tell her that even though it hurts her, you want her to know that you are happy now.

This made me laugh for the first time in weeks lol thank you. I agree that there is no such thing as a soulmate. My mom always says that there is more than one lid to every pot. I just hope that one day I find a women that appreciates me and that could never do this to me. It is shocking to read all these stories people post and realize just how many horrible people are out there that cheat on their partners.

Charity411 posted 9/30/2019 15:58 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting. It's very hard to go through this. But I agree with Odonna. I think she was looking for a way out.

Honestly, maybe you were too, which is why after 7 years you couldn't commit to her. You say you wish she would have talked to you about things, but it seems to me she was talking. You said yourself she always wanted to get married, have the big wedding, have kids you would send to private school, and go adventurous places on vacation. She was doing a lot of talking. You had the opportunity to go down that road, but chose not to. Something always had to be tweaked. You had to have the house first and savings and then and only then would you start working on her wish list.

I know you think you were in a committed relationship, but maybe the reason she didn't think so is because she sees commitment as marriage. That's not unusual, especially after 7 years and living with someone for three of those years. She probably got tired of waiting. You don't get to unilaterally decide what commitment is in a relationship. You don't get to tell her she doesn't need a ring and a marriage certificate. To her it probably felt like she had half of the package. She had the duties of being a wife without actually being one. That works for some people and good for them. She obviously wasn't one of those people, and in that regard you were probably less compatible than you think.

You are 26, and while it doesn't feel like it now, you are better off having this end now. I too don't think you should pursue her anymore. She's made it clear she is done. She did it badly, but because you aren't married it's a choice she still gets to make. And if she could do it badly when you aren't married, she could do it and make it worse if you were.

fareast posted 9/30/2019 16:06 PM

Sorry you are going through this. You’ve gotten some great advice. You seem like a good guy. Serpico really nailed it. Read and reread his post.

Can I just add to “Always Value Yourself”. Don’t lower your standards for some supposed soulmate. Respect yourself and you will be just fine. Good luck.

landclark posted 9/30/2019 16:21 PM

I am afraid I won’t find someone who I will love as deeply or as passionately as my ex. She was my entire world

I have zero doubt that you're hurting and that it sucks. I am so sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, you're 26. You have a lot of life ahead of you. I know it's not easy right now, but yeah, there will be another woman in your future unless you completely let this ruin your chances.

Life isn't always a romance novel. We don't always get our high school or college sweetheart, and that's ok. Love doesn't end there. It gets better.

Serpico posted 9/30/2019 16:55 PM

I did want to acknowledge something just in case I may have given the impression that I believe moving on is going to be easy for you.

I think you said that you had been together for 7 years? That is a long period time especially for a young person. (When you're an old fart like me, 7 years is nothing!)

It may be hard for people to acknowledge how difficult it can be to have someone in your life for that period of time and then all of a sudden they are gone.

I think this is the reason behind some of your reactions. You are not "psychotic", you are just a guy that is hurting and you are trying to figure it all out.

....also, your mother sounds like a wise and learned soul. Listen to her!

All the best!

Mene posted 9/30/2019 17:39 PM

Not married, no kids. Run. Move on. Find someone that will love and treat you with respect. You dodged a bullet. Imagine you’re married and with three kids dealing with this mess.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:39 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

NoOptTo posted 9/30/2019 17:41 PM

You've been given a lot of good advice here. It stinks losing your first love. Most people do not end up marrying their first love anyway. But everyone always remembers their first love no matter how old they get.

My advice to you, look at how you have grown as a person through this relationship. Look at all the positive traits you have brought to it. How you changed through it. How you grew through it. It's no mistake that you have a lot to offer someone.

Your exGF did not appreciate your qualities. She could not look past her own desires to see what you were offering her. Let her go. It's going to hurt for a long while. You were together for 7 years. Keep reminding yourself of what you have to offer.

Remember a relationship takes two committed individuals to work. She was not committed. Train yourself to let go of her imagine and accept her real behavior. Also remember the good times you two had. For it is from our experiences that help us grow into our next relationship. Be kind to yourself. Try to keep your self busy. Go out with friends and family often. Exercise when you can, vigorously if possible. The endorphins that you release will help you cope. Get involved in some new activities if possible.

Life goes on. And so will you. In time, you will heal. Life will be worth living again. You will find someone that will be worthy of your love. But now it's time to heal your wounds. Follow what others have said about going NC. No contact equals no new hurts. Wish you well my friend.

The1stWife posted 9/30/2019 19:23 PM

I’m sorry this has happened to you. We all understand the pain of infidelity.

Typical cheaters:

Affair down i.e, pick someone who is not a good person or good fit for the cheater. As you mentioned he knew about you but pursued her anyway. That shows poor moral character fir starters.

She is re-writing your relationship with “ too many fights” or “too many video games” etc. She doesn’t see a good guy standing in front of her but only sees the “bad boyfriend “ persona she has created in her mind. You seem to be caring and romantic etc. but she only focuses on the fights and other negative aspects of your relationship.

That is a typical cheater move BTW. They re-write the relationship as a way to justify and excuse their choice to cheat.

This is a rough time. We all have been through it and we survived it. You will too. But the healing process is painful. And slow. Painfully slow.

Maybe some professional help or counseling can benefit you.

May I suggest you stop trying to contact her. Nothing you say or do will change anything. You cannot reason with her. Right now she views as clingy and annoying. Unfortunately that is what happens when you are trying g to offer love and support -the cheater views it as annoying.

Read up on doing the 180 in the Healing Library I. The upper left here at SI. It will help you. Detaching from her right now is the best thing you can do. I know you won’t see it this way but it will help you tremendously. It will help start your healing process.

And it could possibly open her eyes to life without you.

Krieger posted 9/30/2019 19:31 PM

It sounds like she was more interested in the wedding than the marriage. I recommend that you seek out someone who wants to be a partner, that doesn't need to mortgage your futures for a party. I would suggest you consider counseling to work through some of the rough edges.

RubixCubed posted 9/30/2019 19:47 PM

Just be glad you didn't propose. Cheating is the result of character flaws and they don't change because of an engagement or wedding ring. You dodged a big ol' bullet, although it may not feel that way, but believe me, you did. At 26 you are just beginning your life. Chalk this up to lessons learned and use those lessons well in your future life.

PSTI posted 9/30/2019 20:12 PM

It's not always about what you do. Maybe the things you tried to do to profess your love were not her love language. And those won't mask actual relationship issues, which it sounds like you had in spades.

I think in time, when you heal, you will realize this was for the best. It's not about fault; it sounds like you were simply not a good pairing.

Try to look at this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Work on yourself. Be a good partner.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 9/30/2019 20:30 PM

So you had a girlfriend that didn’t want to have sex with you and cheated and had no problem banging another dude.

You put all this effort into her yet she didn’t do crap for you. You should thank her new boyfriend for saving you a lifetime of tennis elbow from whacking off and years of unhappiness.

That guy did you a real solid. You just don’t realize it yet! Go find a hotter girlfriend and enjoy your life!

anoldlion posted 9/30/2019 21:10 PM

You are so lucky that fortune has smiled down on you. You found out what kind of woman she is while you are 26 and not married to her, and not when you are 36, married to her and possibly having a child or two. I am several years shy of being 3 times your age, have been around the world several times and have more life experiences than you can phantom. Believe me when I say there are thousands of women out there that will snatch you up in a New York minute when they see you are available. Get your head straight, find a woman who is more your match and then make it a point to "run across" you ex somewhere just to let her see what she threw away. You are young, have a good career, and free. You have the world by the tail and don't realize that a good life is there for the taking. I do wish you well.

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