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Girlfriend (25F) cheated and left me (26M) for him after 7 years

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OrdinaryDude posted 9/30/2019 21:28 PM

I completely agree with Spaceghost.

She showed you who she really is, so believe her and move on with your life.

I suggest you remove everything in your life that is connected to her...gifts, furniture, house, and people if need be.

Cut out everything thatís been tainted by her, like a surgeon removes a cancer.

standinghere posted 10/1/2019 02:38 AM

Here is the awful truth, you dodged a bullet with this one, but the trauma will stay with you a while.

She sounds like someone with an empty hole in her psyche that nobody can fill, and you kept piling more on more in an effort to fill that hole.

Do not let her come back, no matter what, find someone who does not have that huge empty space, who is giving and appreciative, not taking and fault seeking.

If she comes back, she will repeat the cycle until she either gets serious help and does serious work on herself, or until she dies.

Unfortunately, you never really knew her, there is something underlying this behavior, either mental illness or other issues from her past, and that is the "real her", which you are getting repeated glimpses of.

LtCdrLost posted 10/1/2019 12:17 PM

Sir, you're going to come to realize what a bullet you dodged. Not married, no kids... Get this behind you as quickly as possible and go live a great life.

keptmyword posted 10/1/2019 14:22 PM

She has given you a gift via jumping into the toilet of her fantasyland.

She has given you the gift of time travel.

She has allowed you to look into the future of what life would be like married to this adulterous time-bomb.

She has allowed you to make a decision based on this peering into the future and avoid the epic pain of being stabbed in the back when legally tied to this wildly entitled brat and having children involved.

If you think the pain is bad now, it is 1000x worse when children are involved.

Do yourself and your future children a profound favor and not let this child-minded and morally-bereft little girl be your wife and their mother for that will, without question, end in a disaster.

None of her shitty behavior and betrayal has ANYTHING to do with you or how well you treated her - NOTHING.

Yeah, itís pretty painful right now - we all have been there and understand - and that is why you should listen to the advice you have been given.

Relegate her to just someone you knew from the past.

Let her float in the toilet along with her turd of a knight-in-shitty-armor.

Flush it, move on, and live a good, authentic life.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/1/2019 22:12 PM

She did you a great favor by showing you the real person behind the mask you loved.


She showed you she isnít someone to marry.

Thank her, stay away from her, and enjoy a life without the evil poison of infidelity

MamaDragon posted 10/2/2019 14:12 PM

Everyone has given great advice.

I know it is hard, but make yourself go out and do something each day. Find a hobby that is not something you did with her - get your friends and go for a guys weekend to Vegas (or mix and match it with male and female friends0.

One day, she is going to get dumped or the douche she cheated with is going to cheat on her. She is going to be heartbroken and will try to come back to you. When she does - please don't let her back in. All she wanted was the romance glitter and glitz, she didn't want the commitment and dedication a relationship needs.

There is someone out there that is worthy of your love.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/3/2019 08:24 AM

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read and comment and also for the kind words and advice. I know I "dodged a bullet" here but I am having difficulty with accepting what happened. For her to just throw away all the love and memories invested in our relationship for some random guy she met 3 weeks prior just makes no sense to me.

I feel as though she is blinded by this romance and excitement associated with the "honey moon phase". It has to wear off right? She will have to realize how big of a mistake she made right? This guy can't provide for her. Does she not miss our relationship and friendship? I miss her terribly...thanks again for the support.

Robert22205https posted 10/3/2019 08:59 AM

Yes her relationship with the OM will implode at some point. It's better if you are out of reach when that happens.

In self preservation mode she will cry & beg and remind you of all the good times you shared - and ask you for second chance. Some (her) toxic friends will say: if you truly loved her you'd give her another chance.

Why will she reach out? Not because she loves you but because long term you are relatively safer, more reliable - and have a career (not just a job)!

You're single, no kids, no financial entanglements .... stay out of contact and live your best life.

I suggest IC to help heal from her betrayal and explore how/why your image of this woman was so different than reality.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 10/3/2019 09:25 AM

I feel as though she is blinded by this romance and excitement associated with the "honey moon phase". It has to wear off right? She will have to realize how big of a mistake she made right? This guy can't provide for her. Does she not miss our relationship and friendship? I miss her terribly...thanks again for the support.

She's not "blind" and cheated on you with eyes wide open, this was not a "mistake", she CHOSE and DECIDED to CHEAT on you, make no "mistake" about that. Her relationship with OM will most likely go up in flames eventually but that should not be your concern anymore, don't be anybody's "Plan B", again you dodged a bullet, do not take her back or you could be dumped again when the next "romance and excitement" comes along in the future, she's a proven cheater and a liar, block her from everything and please get tested for STDs.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/3/2019 19:53 PM

So I guess that is what I don't understand. Will she just never have a healthy and mature relationship? Will she always just cheat on her partner? For all her faults, I love the girl and I want her to be happy. I just so badly want the life with her that we planned together.

sewardak posted 10/3/2019 20:26 PM

Those questions are not your problem. Work on yourself. Soon youíll realize those are not yours to answer or even worry about.

fareast posted 10/3/2019 20:44 PM

Mynamedontfi:

You have already answered your own question if you think about it. Go back and read your first post and it will become clear. You did all the work to keep this relationship afloat. You put your WGF on a pedestal and she used your good nature to her advantage. You had to do all the work for intimacy. You were a good and stable partner who worked hard to meet her every need. You tried to help her get healthy but she always turned your efforts into a negative. What does that tell you? Yet you knew she was immature and selfish. She did not extend herself as you did. Entitled as well. She used you and manipulated you. You wanted the relationship so much more than she did. She will continue to do this as long as people cater to her.

Moving forward you are going to find a better more committed partner. Youíre a good guy with a great future. You will not be alone for long. But learn from this experience. Always value yourself. Never do all the work in a relationship. Never put your partner on a pedestal. No one is worthy of that position. Donít sacrifice your self respect or dignity. You deserve so much better.

And stop worrying about your WGF. No contact is your friend. She may mature someday. Who knows? But you will be much wiser and in a better place. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:11 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Awfulawfulday posted 10/3/2019 20:48 PM

I'm in the midst of trying to answer similar questions about my soon to be ex wife. I'm a few years ahead of you at 30, but no kids yet thankfully. I'm by no means an expert but my advice would be to mourn the loss but realize that person is not who you thought they were and you have to move on.

My sense based on my single experience is that she probably has some really great qualities, this is what drew you two together and that's nice.. but ultimately with her you're also getting alllll of the problems to deal with too, and those are some MASSIVE problems! She may have hid them well or you may have been a bit blind to them, it was a bit of both in my case. Good news is she decided for you that you don't have to deal with her problems anymore. And now you know how severe those problems really are. She's immature and did this in the worst way possible and so unfortunately it's really going to hurt.

Thinking about it this way has helped me: if she took even half a second to think about how her actions would make you feel but still decided to do it? How terrible is that? Or maybe she didn't really consider you, your relationship, or your feelings at all? Either way it's an awful look. Incredibly selfish, complete lack of self control, blameshifting, no accountability and so on.

Sure she may figure it out eventually, but chances are so slim. Especially if she doesn't realize her unhealthy immature behavior at this point, isn't seeking help etc. But not your problem, imo don't waste too much energy thinking about this. It's lose lose, not going to help you.

There are a lot of people out there who think like you, mature, not self centered, cares about the other person in the relationship, wants to work on the relationship together and grow stronger together. Recognize problems before they get too big, communicates openly, honestly and works through them..healthy sex life too. Sheesh, sorry you had to deal with that for so long, that sucks.

Its okay to be hurt, you're experiencing trauma. Focus on yourself for a bit. Feel good about who you are, your friends, family, career, start working out or join a rec sports league or enjoy whatever your hobbies are. Don't fill your pain with Tinder or empty flings. Heal first then get back into the game later. Cut out the bad in your life, no time for that. Feel the pain and process your emotions as much as possible in a healthy way. But try taking a step back when you can and think about your future as well. And feel good about it! Because you're free and the future is so much brighter and you deserve so much more than this and so much more than someone who would ever dream of making literally ANYONE feel this way.

rugswept posted 10/4/2019 09:11 AM

Sorry about how this is.

I'm going to give it to your straight as I see it.
You were so into her, no matter how it ended it was going to be painful and hurtful. It is, I am sure, by far, the greatest pain of your life. We know. This happened to all of us.

You did so much for this woman and showed her affection and did things that few men ever do for women. Everywhere, in all ways, way way beyond what was necessary for this to be a very good relationship. Her response: MEH.

This woman just wasn't into you in the ways you were into her. You just didn't realize it. Now, she has given you no options, it's over.

You've played "Pick Me" in ways I have rarely ever seen. That won't do a thing to win her over.

Here it is: she was with you but not really into you in really big ways. Suddenly, she finds cool dude who hits on her and off she goes. Instantly, his silly cologne tricks, little kibbles and cheap trick presents and she's head over heals in love with this guy, doing everything you can imagine, and I mean everything. She's got the butterflies, the thrills, the illusions, the fantasy and she is fulfilling some need she has through cool dude.

This is the WORST kind of cheating. She is out to replace you. When they do that, it's very likely she'll repeat. It will just take a new cool dude to come along. It goes without saying that new cool dude is always more exciting with us, at first and for a short while, if they've known us for years and years. They're into the discovery and brand new shiny thing phase.

It's a physiological fact that great changes in life that result in a massive emotional and physical response is most intense for the first three months. After that the intense chemistry is just plain over. The body readjusts itself and things just aren't chemical anymore. They can still be emotional and psychological, it's just not a chemical connection. That's true about new cars, new loves, winning the lottery, death of close relative, loss of a love. I think you can see the reason for these sudden flash romances and intense connections that, then, suddenly flame out.

In order of not good cool dudes are: pool guy, gym guy and you got "outdoor guy". Camp loser guy is what you got.

She may or may not tire of this guy. I had a niece who went off with a loser felon small time criminal druggy piece of garbage. They are now both dead: she died in a pedestrian accident. He was killed by druggies or something. Until the last few months of her life, she was stuck on that ffffing loser piece of garbage. Don't ask me why. I don't know if you have one of those.

Your situation can end in any number of ways. The worst, honestly, is that she realizes what a ffffing loser piece of garbage cool dude actually is, and she's just been meat of the week, until it's over. Either that or realize, wow, cool dude has NOTHING to offer. He's really a loser. Then, she'll make a really fast turn around and come back at you with every loving thing you always wanted her to say. Don't buy it. She has shown you what she really is, how uncaring she really is, and how easily she can just run off with cool dude.

You're 26 for God's sake. Your brain is still maturing. You're addicted to her since you've always known her. You're young, successful and really prepared to be a great success. You'll see: at 35, you're on the big time escalator up. You're prime marriage material for TOP OF THE LINE women. Not cheater, cool dude bait.

Work hard on your job. Immerse yourself in your work. Do your best to forget what has happened. Do not sulk. Be an over performer. Be the best.

And, in a few years, with your head clear, you'll have met many beautiful, faithful, moral, intelligent women. You're in the kind of career to find them.

Grieve the death of your relationship and move on. There is life after death. You've only just started your real life. Good Luck.

[This message edited by rugswept at 9:18 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

SlapNutsABingo posted 10/4/2019 10:38 AM

You love who she WAS. You love the IDEA you have of her and the two of you. That is NOT reality now, that is fantasy. Go find reality, she is out there.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/4/2019 10:59 AM

This:

Here it is: she was with you but not really into you in really big ways. Suddenly, she finds cool dude who hits on her and off she goes. Instantly, his silly cologne tricks, little kibbles and cheap trick presents and she's head over heals in love with this guy, doing everything you can imagine, and I mean everything. She's got the butterflies, the thrills, the illusions, the fantasy and she is fulfilling some need she has through cool dude.

This is the WORST kind of cheating. She is out to replace you. When they do that, it's very likely she'll repeat. It will just take a new cool dude to come along. It goes without saying that new cool dude is always more exciting with us, at first and for a short while, if they've known us for years and years. They're into the discovery and brand new shiny thing phase.

It's a physiological fact that great changes in life that result in a massive emotional and physical response is most intense for the first three months. After that the intense chemistry is just plain over. The body readjusts itself and things just aren't chemical anymore. They can still be emotional and psychological, it's just not a chemical connection. That's true about new cars, new loves, winning the lottery, death of close relative, loss of a love. I think you can see the reason for these sudden flash romances and intense connections that, then, suddenly flame out.

In order of not good cool dudes are: pool guy, gym guy and you got "outdoor guy". Camp loser guy is what you got.

She may or may not tire of this guy. I had a niece who went off with a loser felon small time criminal druggy piece of garbage. They are now both dead: she died in a pedestrian accident. He was killed by druggies or something. Until the last few months of her life, she was stuck on that ffffing loser piece of garbage. Don't ask me why. I don't know if you have one of those.

Your situation can end in any number of ways. The worst, honestly, is that she realizes what a ffffing loser piece of garbage cool dude actually is, and she's just been meat of the week, until it's over. Either that or realize, wow, cool dude has NOTHING to offer. He's really a loser. Then, she'll make a really fast turn around and come back at you with every loving thing you always wanted her to say. Don't buy it. She has shown you what she really is, how uncaring she really is, and how easily she can just run off with cool dude.

You're 26 for God's sake. Your brain is still maturing. You're addicted to her since you've always known her. You're young, successful and really prepared to be a great success. You'll see: at 35, you're on the big time escalator up. Not cheater, cool dude bait.

Unfortunately for me my WH probably is similar to your wayward partner - and he's 15 years older than you.

And trust me - I KNOW all of this is horribly hard to hear because it makes you feel like SHIT. I get it. I feel the same way. But if you are half the person you described to be then this is right too:

You're prime marriage material for TOP OF THE LINE women.

Remind yourself of this often...eventually your broken heart will heal.

lunarnaut posted 10/4/2019 16:02 PM

Hey man, you and me have very similar stories. I'll tell you I got through it a few years ago, and I've never been happier. If you ever want to talk, let me know.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/5/2019 15:30 PM

If you ever want to talk, let me know.

That would really help but I haven't made 50 posts yet to enable private messaging on SI.

It is, I am sure, by far, the greatest pain of your life.

It is absolutely the worst pain I have ever felt. I'm in agony sometimes. My mind tortures me with pictures of her and memories we've made. It is miserable. I'm sure you all know exactly how I feel. My friends don't understand. They just say "screw her, move on". If it were that simple I would.

You're prime marriage material for TOP OF THE LINE women.

I appreciate the kind words but I don't feel like I am marriage material at all. If I can't even maintain my relationship with the woman I love and make her happy enough to not run off with another "man", then how am I supposed to maintain any relationship let alone a marriage?

I would have done anything for her, anything to keep her by my side. I regret not proposing earlier. Maybe she wouldn't have cheated if she had a ring on her finger and a wedding to plan for. I say that but rationally I know that that logic is wildly unhealthy. I'm a wreck.

[This message edited by Mynamedontfi at 3:31 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 10/5/2019 17:46 PM

The issue of not being able to maintain the relationship is hers, not yours.

Remember that you can only control your own actions, and can not force your mate to be faithful, itís their responsibility.

Booyah posted 10/5/2019 17:54 PM

Listen when you're sitting there with your thoughts about her instead of remembering all these great memories why don't you scream at yourself to STOP!!!!!!

Than start remembering all the HATEFUL BULLSHIT things she's done (and said) to you and then ask yourself if you love love and miss this child??

She's NOT who you thought she was.

Be grateful that you found out before you did marry her.

We get it you loved her.
What did she do with your love?
She pissed it away and threw it in the trash.

So again when you're thinking about her REMIND yourself what she did with your love.

You did NOTHING WRONG!!!

Allow yourself to grieve and take care of yourself.

You need to trust me on this you WILL get through this and when you look back on this you'll be so grateful it happened.

You're in denial right now.
Pretty soon you're going to get to the anger stage and it would behoove you to use that anger to go NC and move on.

She's a child not a grown woman.
She wasn't willing to sit down with you and talk about it.
While you're sitting there crying she's going to call security on you???

My friend you are WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!!'

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