SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Mynamedontfi posted 10/5/2019 18:05 PM

While you're sitting there crying she's going to call security on you???

Reading that line got me angry. I remember the shock and utter disbelief that went through my head when she threatened to have security escort me from camp. "Is she serious? Who is this person?" This is what I need to constantly remind myself. Thank you for the reminder. I am going to write it on my bathroom mirror.

Georgyboy posted 10/6/2019 08:33 AM

Just make sure you write it in CAPITALS

whyowhyme posted 10/6/2019 11:32 AM

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. PP covered alot of what I would have said, but there is one more thing I would mention.

She threatened to call security on you. This is really scary behavior that someone is capable of that. This could have caused lifetime issues for you. For that reason alone, be greatful you are getting out. Be very careful being around her again. I would record every session with her of the moving out process.

[This message edited by whyowhyme at 11:40 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

lunarnaut posted 10/7/2019 08:53 AM

Dang. I tried to post my email, so we could exchange numbers. Are you on reddit or anything else?

Mynamedontfi posted 10/7/2019 09:03 AM

Are you on reddit or anything else?

CFxRenaissance on reddit. Thank you so much friend. It means a lot.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/7/2019 09:12 AM

I want to thank everyone for reading my story and posting their advice and support. I read and re-read every single comment multiple times a day as a way to cope.

I wake up every morning alone in bed and have to start all over again accepting that she is gone and that she actually cheated on me and did this to me.

I remember her words that she sees a future with this OM. And that she told me she has moved on and is happy now. That she actually blocked my number and told me not to contact her anymore. All while I trudge through each day in agony and cry myself to sleep.

I am torn between anger/hurt/sadness over the betrayal. I know she is a horrible person for this. I know she is immature and selfish. I hope I deserve better.

I am just stuck like I am sure many of you are. Wishing for a reality where our spouses never cheated and we are living the happy life together that we planned together. I try to focus on and accept reality. I know that is the best thing I can do. It is just very hard to know she is happy with the AP and I am in a living hell.

It is just sickening how many selfish, immature, horrible people there are out there with zero empathy and zero remorse. It is disgusting. I have such disdain for cheaters. The fact that my partner who I loved very much turned out to be one of these people just blows my mind. I have never been a hateful person. But lately I have conjured such hatred and anger towards her it's scary.

I hate her for lying to me. I hate her for cheating on me. I hate her for telling me she disagrees about what she did being cheating. I hate that she left me for a loser. I hate that she told me she sees a future with him when it is blatantly OBVIOUS that he cannot provide a damn thing for her. I hate that she told me that he treats her the way she wants to be treated considering all of the damn things I have done for her over the years. I hate that even her mother knew about it and didn't try to stop her. I hate that this situation hurts me and affects me so badly that I can barely function. I hate that I still love the person I thought she was even after she did this to me. I hate that she doesn't feel the same pain I do. I hate that she doesn't even understand what I am going through.

I feel as though I am such a burden on my friends and family. Sometimes I have to call someone just to pull me out of the panicking and ruminating that I get myself into.

I really hope karma gets her. I don't believe in karma. I do believe that I was a much better option for her and for her goals in life. I desperately hope she doesn't end up with this loser. I know I shouldn't think about or care about her or her life anymore. I know I shouldn't wish anything bad on anyone. I just feel that she doesn’t deserve happiness right now. I know that is a selfish and vengeful thought. I'm upset with myself for feeling that way.

BBBD posted 10/7/2019 09:45 AM

Brother been there. 12 years, 8 years married. No kids. But she threw away it all.

Remember the following, when you’re hurting.

“Love doesn't always conquer all, essentially when it's heavily weighted to one side.”

“That which is chased, runs away”

“People ask me if I talk to my ex. My response? ‘I don’t water dead flowers’”

“There is no secret formula.
You be brave
You say no more
You end it
You suffer
You heal
You walk toward freedom"

anoldlion posted 10/7/2019 14:24 PM

The best revenge to cheating is to live well and find happiness. Fate determined that she was not good for you. I do wish you well.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/7/2019 20:15 PM

Did she really want to bang OM SO badly that she HAD to cheat on me and leave me for a guy she JUST met? And just discard and abandon her boyfriend of 7 years?? It makes no sense...she's so damn selfish and ungrateful for everything I've done for her. That will be the last time I bake heart shaped mozzarella sticks for ANY woman...

Slowlygoingcrazy posted 10/8/2019 10:32 AM

It’s never going to make sense to you. You’re not like her. That’s a good thing. You wouldn’t do this to another person so it’s hard to fathom how she can. In the end it doesn’t really matter. What matters is they you are no longer with this person who could discard someone like she did to you. She has so much work to do before she’s a safe partner for anyone. She might look happy with this new guy, but you know how she is. It’s not going to be perfect forever.

I’m an engineer too so I get that you want things to make sense in an analytical way. You input xyz into the relationship and you had an expected outcome. You have things going for you that OM doesn’t so why would she choose him.

The answer is her. She’s a person who can make her own decisions based on her wants. She obviously doesn’t care that you make more money or have a better career trajectory. Maybe she plans on supporting herself with her nursing degree. Who knows. It’s hard and we all look at the AP and compare ourselves. I’m just saying that it doesn’t matter. You’re going to be better than this guy because you wouldn’t shake someone’s hand and then move in on their girlfriend. Because who does that. It’s gross.

I’m sorry if I sound preachy here, but you need to focus more on yourself and less on them. You’re going to drive yourself crazy and take this into a new relationship and for what? Two people who don’t care about you.

keptmyword posted 10/8/2019 11:35 AM

If I can't even maintain my relationship with the woman I love and make her happy enough to not run off with another "man", then how am I supposed to maintain any relationship let alone a marriage?

“make her happy enough”

This notion is a complete fallacy.

Listen closely...

It is not your job, nor your task, not a requirement, nor your “duty” to make her or anyone else happy.

It is only your own life-long principle to make YOURSELF happy.

You CANNOT “make” her or anyone else happy.

Nor is it anyone else’s job to “make” YOU happy.

Again, it is solely your responsibility to make yourself happy.

If you leave YOUR happiness in someone else’s hands then you are guaranteed to NEVER be happy.

You make yourself happy.

Other people make themselves happy.

And then, you share your happiness with others and they share their happiness with you.

I don’t care how many times you hear people say it or how many times you see it in movies and TV:

“You need someone who is going to make you happy.”

That line is complete fantasy-based bullshit perpetuated by the entertainment industry.

It’s wildly false but it is unfortunately a bullshit notion bought by millions - especially adulterers.

Your ex-girlfriend’s happiness was never your responsibility and she is not with the new guy because you weren’t making her happy.

She’s with him because she can’t make herself happy and thinks he’s going to hand her happiness in a silver platter.

I won’t happen - period.

If you believe that she was “making you happy” then you need to see a counselor who can help you get out of that thinking.

TimSC posted 10/10/2019 11:38 AM

Stop torturing yourself trying to understand how she could do this. It is simple. She is selfish and had no thoughts or consideration for you at all.

She did it because she wanted to do it.

It is crazy that she could do it so fast in your mind. But you cannot fix or understand crazy.

Forget about the why and how. Forget about her. Your life together was a fake. You were in it for love, she was in it for what she could get out of you...until she found someone she liked better.

Nothing you could have done to stop it. The life you planned was just that...your plan...not hers. It was your fantasy.

She is basically an evil, selfish person. Why in the world would you want that person back.

Accept it and move on.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/10/2019 13:41 PM

The life you planned was just that...your plan...not hers.

Well that's just it. SHE was begging for an engagement. SHE was the one who wanted to take the next step. That's why it hurts so badly that she was able to cheat and leave so easily.

Accept it and move on.

Believe me friend...I am desperately trying my best to do so. I read and re-read every comment on my posts daily.

I still love her. It is hard to move on when I am crying myself to sleep over her. A girl who I thought was supposed to be my life partner but instead betrayed me in the worst way possible.

I keep trying to remind myself of all the horrible things she has done and said to me as suggested. But the bad/hurtful things she has done don't outweigh my love for her and I feel stuck.

Westway posted 10/10/2019 13:54 PM

Did she really want to bang OM SO badly that she HAD to cheat on me and leave me for a guy she JUST met? And just discard and abandon her boyfriend of 7 years?? It makes no sense...she's so damn selfish and ungrateful for everything I've done for her. That will be the last time I bake heart shaped mozzarella sticks for ANY woman...

Try being married for 21 years, having two kids and building what you thought was a life together. Then have your WW stab you in the back repeatedly, and now face having to go through a divorce process where you get to give away half of everything you worked hard for, for two decades.

I know it hurts man, but you really did get off lucky. You didn't get stuck married to a whore like my WW. You will heal and move on and come out unscathed financially. Take comfort in that.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/10/2019 14:01 PM

Try being married for 21 years, having two kids and building what you thought was a life together. Then have your WW stab you in the back repeatedly, and now face having to go through a divorce process where you get to give away half of everything you worked hard for, for two decades.

I literally cannot imagine. I know most people here would trade their situation for mine in a heartbeat. I know I got off easy and "dodged a bullet".

I am so sorry for your situation and the pain you are going through. I am also going through the worst pain I have ever experienced and am here for support like the other BS's on SI. I hope to give back and provide support once I am healed from this painful betrayal.

Westway posted 10/10/2019 14:05 PM

I literally cannot imagine. I know most people here would trade their situation for mine in a heartbeat. I know I got off easy and "dodged a bullet".

I am so sorry for your situation and the pain you are going through. I am also going through the worst pain I have ever experienced and am here for support like the other BS's on SI. I hope to give back and provide support once I am healed from this painful betrayal.

I'm not discounting your feelings. You and I will be hurting for years.

NorCalLost posted 10/20/2019 14:32 PM

Any comments, feedback, advice, kind words, really anything the community here can provide would be greatly appreciated. I lost tons of sleep and almost 20 pounds over this. I have frequent panic attacks and find myself crying at home and in public. I try to keep busy, try new things, new hobbies and meet new people. I have been making better food choices and go to the gym often. I just figured I could post here for some support. Thank you in advance.

(((Mynamedontfi)))
I'm so sorry for what your gf did to you, the disrespect and the discarding of your seven-relationship. She DID cheat, but may never admit to that because what would that say about her character if she did? How could she live with herself?

My 26-year-old niece just ended an eight-year relationship in much the same way that your gf did. I am so disappointed in her, and she did break her bf's heart. They had their issues, and she wanted to get married but felt that he was dragging his feet. She ended up going on dating websites, before officially ending things with him. And in their final 'blowout' argument, they both pushed and shoved each other - and she now uses that as ammo against him, as justification for her betrayals.

Now, as to my relationship. I met a man in 1990, when I was a little younger than you. I fell in love and was in a long-distance relationship with him for two years until one day he asked me to meet him at a lake, to spend time on his buddy's boat. He left me that day. He made vague comments about hating the (temporary) long distance between us, and then he got in his buddy's car and drove away, not even looking back. In retrospect, I think he very well could have been cheating. I didn't hear from him again for nearly 20 years.

I was devastated after that break-up and jumped into a rebound relationship almost immediately. I married the man and was with him for 19 years, and then found out HE was cheating on me. My marriage ended in divorce.

One September day after my divorce was finally over and done with - my phone rang and it was the man who'd left me decades earlier. He said he'd been divorced for a few months, from a woman he married very soon after he left me back in the day. Interesting timing. But still, all the old feelings came back and we ended up in a whirlwind. We got married.

Immediately there were red flags. His temper, that he would blame me for. His addiction to porn. His criticism of my appearance, of a 20-pound weight gain due to my being prescribed prednisone to combat a lung disease. His lack of concern over my illness, his IRRITATION at me whenever I was in pain from my illness. His disappearing for two months in 2015, when I later found him to be pursuing another woman, who ended up not being interested.

Our final end finally came in April 2018, over the phone, when I was busting my ass working out of town to earn money for US, when he told me he'd just "hit a wall" and wanted out of our marriage. I knew there was someone else and of course he denied it. Claimed he'd never cheated on me or on anyone else. Turned out to be a lie. He cheated on his first wife with prostitutes, he tried to physically cheat on me in 2015, and when he finally ended our marriage it was to pursue another woman who dumped him after three months. Days after she left him, months before our divorce was even final, he was dating the woman he's still with now.

I was with someone who had never NOT been in a relationship, who cannot get by without the security blanket of a female by his side. If he's not necessarily attracted to you, or doesn't love you, he will still hang on to you until someone he perceives as "better" comes along.

I'm telling you this long sob story because I don't want you to waste YOUR life idealizing and missing a person who is not worthy. My first husband mistreated me emotionally and physically. Every single time it happened, I would tell myself that my long lost love would never have hurt me that way. I was wrong. I had him on a pedestal, and when he finally came back to me, I found out the hard way how little he had ever really loved me.

As of today, he has had me blocked on social media for more than a year. He abandoned me for a second time without looking back. He has friends and cohorts (including his 'buddy' from the day at the lake decades ago) who aid and abet him and tell him he was right to dump me - based, of course, on whatever he's told them. He is livid that I exposed his betrayals to a lot of people, and that is part of the reason why he blocked me. I probably will never hear from him again. All of my belongings are still at the home we shared - where I've been told his second AP now lives with him and her little girl.

You are still young and (presumably) healthy. You have a good career and a stable life. Stay NC with your ex and after some healing, you will easily find another woman - one who will respect you and love you properly.

Don't waste your whole life the way I did, loving a farce of a person, only to find yourself alone at 52.

Hugs.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 2:43 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Mynamedontfi posted 10/22/2019 19:36 PM

I'm so sorry for what your gf did to you, the disrespect and the discarding of your seven-relationship. She DID cheat, but may never admit to that because what would that say about her character if she did? How could she live with herself?

Thank you for sharing your story and taking the time to read mine. I am very sorry for your situation too. I will try my best to get over her. I don't think my ex realizes the magnitude of pain or damage she has caused me. She is off being happy with her AP and I am experiencing the most pain and sadness I have ever felt in my life. I hope one day she realizes what she gave up. I know I was a good boyfriend and a good partner. She discarded me like I meant nothing to her.

Once I heal I do hope I find someone who will be a better partner to me. Someone who actually loves me and will stick with me through thick and thin. Then I can say that this pain and agony will be worth it someday.