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Where to go from here

sad0314 posted 10/10/2019 00:21 AM

My husband of 10 years recently admitted to an affair he was having with a coworker. We have three kids and just bought a house. We have been through everything together and weíre a strong couple. Last year he was prescribed adderall and everything changed. He began having crazy mood swings and aggitation all the time. Itís been terrible. I work nights full time and am otherwise completely invested in my kids. Weíve been so busy I havenít had time to focus any attention on my marriage. From 9/24-10/4 he began talking with a coworker 10 years younger. It was mostly emotional but they had met up 4 times and made out. Weíve talked about it nonstop the passed 6 days and want to work it out. I feel our marriage is strong enough to overcome this and I want it to make us stronger. Iím hurting terribly but I feel like with lots of therapy I can forgive him. How do you deal with the constant mood shifts. One second Iím fine, then crying, then angry. Weíve done full transparency, Iíve looked at everything, but random questions will suddenly overwhelm me and make me spiral out of control. We go to therapy on Wednesday and he is starting to wean off the adderall. Any tips for how to survive this. Iím really struggling.

Dragonfly123 posted 10/10/2019 01:56 AM

Iím so sorry Sad.

Firstly, he needs to read Ďhow to help your spouse heal from your affairí and Ďnot just friendsí.

He needs to understand why he broke your marriage vows. Reading your post itís clear youíre trying to apportion blame to yourself for having the gaul to have put your energies into your three young children. This is NONSENSE! He is 100% to blame for stepping out of your marriage. Please donít allow this to be the narrative of your reconciliation or itís doomed to fail as itíll be rugsweep into his Ďneedsí not being met. Life happens lovely.

Iíd also be very weary of the Ďmaking outí line. My WH Ďmade outí with his COW. I believed him. People on here told me adults alone donít make out and sadly they were right. The truth was far worse than I could have ever imagined. You will need STD checks to be sure.

And lay off marriage counselling, you both need individual counselling, for you to shore yourself against the coming months and for him to work out why the bloody hell he felt that selfish and entitled he could have blown up your precious family and destroyed his childrenís safe secure world.

ETA if there is another betrayed spouse or partner please let them know, thatís key to blowing up this affair. And donít trust a word of what he says not yet. Heís on damage control, but he could easily be sucked back in, affairs are very addictive.

Again Iím so sorry and just sending huge hugs.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:57 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/10/2019 06:34 AM

Weíve been so busy I havenít had time to focus any attention on my marriage.


Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. You were in the same M. If you both were so busy, presumably he wasn't focusing much on the M, either. You didn't cheat, did you?

His cheating is 100% his responsibility. There is something wrong with him that made it acceptable for him to do this. Do not take any of that on yourself.

Cooley2here posted 10/10/2019 07:22 AM

I hope he has talked to his doctor about the bad reaction he had to medication. It happened in my family as well and the doctor took him off immediately. If your husband has ADHD there are many drugs he can use. Contact his doctor immediately

Ponus18 posted 10/10/2019 07:44 AM

I think you need to be careful to accept the ďonly made outĒ idea. Maybe. But itís very uncommon that that pans out. Adults pretty much always do more than that, especially if there were (at least) four incidents.

I say this gently because you canít deal with the situation or work towards R (reconciliation) if you donít have the full truth. Wayward soften minimize what theyíve done.

tushnurse posted 10/10/2019 09:20 AM

Welcome.
This is a great place to come for support.

I'm a bit of an old timer here, and there are things I tell every single newly betrayed spouse. While situations are unique, the behaviors, actions, and words of cheaters are not. In fact they are so consistent, we refer to "The cheaters Handbook", there isnt' one, but could be.

1. See an attorney. Regardless of what you are planning now, you need to educate yourself on your options. You have had the greatest betrayal of your life, and now you need to prepare in a way that allows you to make sound decisions about your future.

2. See your Dr. Get full STD testing. While he says it was only making out the likelihood of it being just kissing is slim. Adults don't stop w/ kissing if there is opportunity to do more. You need to protect your own health. This means blood work, and a pap. Demand that he also get tested. If it was "just kissing" then he should jump at the chance to prove it. Remember words are worthless now. Actions are what matters.

3. If you are struggling with sleep, and eating, talk to your dr. You may need a little pharmaceutical support in these initial days of shock. Also ask for a referral for a counselor for YOU. Not MC. You have sustained a very serious and real trauma. For many of us it's the most traumatic thing we have been through in our life. Do NOT minimize your pain, it is very real. Counseling for you and you alone.
Also I want to caution you with hopping into MC, if he isn't being honest and truly remorseful yet it can do more harm than good, as it will be based on lies.

4. Demand he get into IC (individual therapy). He needs to own what he has done, and figure out his why's and fix whatever is broken within himself to be a safe partner for you. Do NOT allow Adderall to be his reason. That is only a small component to his choices.

5. Do NOT be afraid to set expectations and boundaries. He absolutely needs to know that you won't tolerate anything less than you deserve. No one here saved and rebuilt their M by trying to nice the cheater back into the M. It does NOT work. Demand the love and respect you deserve. He will either step up and you can rebuild, or he won't, and you will know that he isn't worthy of the gift of R.

Keep reading here. check out the healing library in the upper left side of the screen.
((((And Strength))))

MamaDragon posted 10/10/2019 09:40 AM

Taking your power back is one way to survive this. The heavy lifting is going to be his responsibility. Purchase the book "how to help heal your spouse" (I think that is the name, hopefully someone will give the correct name)

Be prepared for trickle truth (TT). Usually if the WS says we only kissed once - it is we only screwed three times. The WS minimizes bc they don't want to "hurt" the BS more. When in truth, the exact opposite happens.

If he is still working with the OW, one has to quit.

If the OW is married - tell her BS. They deserve to know

Tell their boss - why? It will keep the relationship from starting again.

Look for burner phones, apps on his phone, pull your financials - credit cards, credit reports (sometimes they take other credit cards out to finance the affair), bank statements and phone records. Have him write up a time line.

AP is to be blocked on everything and a NC letter sent.

Go see a lawyer - not to really divorce but see what your options are *SHOULD* you decide you can't R. Knowledge is power. In some states the AP can be sued for alienation of affection.

Read up the healing library, it really does help. Listen to the veterans on here - most can write a script for your upcoming healing almost verbatim.

Go see a Doctor, make your WS go too - check for all STDs. If he protests, tell him you have already lied and cheated on me and I feel the need to protect myself at this time.

Eat healthy, drink H20, limit alcohol, see a dr for medicinal help for short term stress (if needed), exercise, find a hobby - something that will take your focus off the A.

Ask him any questions you want, until you feel healed. Make him do the heavy lifting of repairing your trust. Repeat this "He made the choice to cheat, I did not nothing wrong". Because even if there were issues in your marriage he choose to cheat instead of talk to you or go to Marriage counseling.

Be prepared for the rage to hit. It will hit, and it will be rough but it is normal.

Hang in there, you got this sweetie.

allusions posted 10/10/2019 10:24 AM

You say he admitted to having an affair. How did you find out? Did he sit you down and say "Honey, I have something to tell you..." or did you find something and confronted him and he admitted to his affair? Either way, it's very rare for a cheating spouse to admit to everything at first. It's possible it was a short-term making out situation but I wouldn't accept that as the full truth until this situation has been investigated more. What does your gut tell you?

Now there's the situation of him still working with or around his coworker. It will be very difficult for you to feel safe in that circumstance. Is he going to quit his job? Is she going to? Can he transfer to a department where he doesn't come into contact with her?

Please see a therapist for yourself, someone who is trained in helping someone cope with the trauma of infidelity. It needs to be someone separate from your marriage counselor.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/10/2019 11:21 AM

Sad,


There is nothing you could do to cause him to be so stupid and selfish. This is ALL him.


Get tested for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, call your doctor to set up

Tell the skankís significant other about the cheating (cockroaches, like affairs, donít like light)

Tell his family and friends. If he is her work superior, he needs to tell HR to help protect the company from lawsuits.

It is probably helpful for him to find a new job.

Send the skank a certified letter of No Contact. Block her phone, on Social media, email, everything.

Focus on YOU and YOUR wellbeing. Start putting money away, away from him, in case you need to leave with your babies


Remember that his actions are everything, his words are nothing.

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