"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Wxman3441 posted 10/13/2019 12:06 PM

Hi,

I will try and keep this as short as possible. My partner and I have been together 6 years. We bought a house a year ago. She has a 13 y/o daughter and while she and I aren't deeply bonded, I am seen as a step dad.

My partner and I are polar opposites. We have made it work to an extent but have butted heads a lot more over the past few years. I struggle with mental illness and am a very reserved person unlike her. My mom passed over the Spring and I am really struggling with that and as a result she and I haven't been connecting well since then.

Her behavior became suspicious over the summer. She essentially uninvited me to a night out with friends in June. Then a month later, when we went to a poker party and I had to leave early to get up for work, she ended up staying all night, not even texting or calling; something that has never happened. I was uninvited again on a night out 2 weeks later. In all three cases, this man (we will call him "Dave") was present. Dave is may partner's best friend's boyfriends brother. I had suspected a while back that he may have had a little crush on her which she laughed off. When I confronted her about the suspicious behavior, she claimed she needed space from me because I have been down.

There has been a gnawing pit in my belly since then something went on. The other night I did something I am not proud of - I invaded her privacy and went into her phone and discovered some incriminating texts. Please don't beat me up too much over this - I know its wrong and I confessed to her.

The texts are concerning - she claimed to "be crazy about him", that she was "engaged" and "hopeless" when he showed up to pick his kids the day after her kid's bday party that I worked my ass off to help throw. She referred to him as a "summer crush" and that her "feelings are intense". She still pushed this off when confronted and said yes, she was attracted to him and they flirted but the attraction and flirting were the "feelings". There is even evidence of her becoming slightly jealous when Dave hit on a friend of hers and her friend actually apologized for it. The last text which occurred the day after she stayed out all night, she mentioned avoiding me for a few days till she goes away for business to which her friend responded “smart". Why is smart to avoid me; cause something happened?

To be honest, I am not convinced they had sex or even kissed. But I think it is clear this was more than just an attraction and casual flirting. Thoughts? We have been in counseling for a few weeks (before I found this) and I'm struggling if I should stay. This really hurts - I know we have not been in a good place for a while but if she started to feel something for someone else, she should have backed off right away. She only backed off after I confronted her.

[This message edited by Wxman3441 at 5:32 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

beenthereinco posted 10/13/2019 12:38 PM

Hi Wxman,
I'm sorry you are here but you've come to the right place. You'll get some help here. Be ready to listen to all of this, some of what you hear might be challenging, and understand that people come at this with a good heart and a desire to help.

You've been with this woman for 6 years and are seen as a step-parent for her child so for all intents and purposes you are a committed couple no different than any other married couple right? You live together is that correct? Share bills, share lives, have a full understanding that you are to be exclusive with each other? I ask this just to be sure that there is no confusion about whether she is free to date other men. If not, and that is what I am assuming, then stop apologizing for "invading her privacy" it was within your rights to do so. What you did wrong there was not looking at her phone it was apologizing to her for doing it. She should be apologizing to you for what she is doing and for her characterization of your relationship to the OM.

I don't know if they had sex or kissed but my money would be that they did. At a minimum this is an emotional affair but she is definitely ramping it up by arranging for time when she can be alone with him and not have you there. (BTW where I come from 2 adults that have an interest in each other and arrange specific times to go out together are on a date. That is what your partner is doing here. She is dating. Let's be clear.)

Adults that stay the night with each other and are "crazy about" each other generally have sex. That's what happens. She has likely had sex with him or will soon if she has not. The fact that she is jealous of his interactions with another woman are very telling. She is in deep here emotionally.

Lastly you say:

She only backed off after I confronted her.

How do you know she has backed off? I would be very surprised if she has. You apologized for discovering this affair. Has she expressed any remorse or regret? Has she apologized? Has she instead justified it as being your fault? She definitely minimized it to you. I would not believe she has backed off at all. I think you are heading for another discovery or even another series of discoveries. You need to decide what you want to do. If you feel like all of this alone is enough for you to leave then do it. If you want to try to salvage this relationship it isn't going to happen until your partner is at least aware that she has screwed up, owns that, and is truthful and honest with you about what all has gone on and transparent with you going forward and committed to not talking to this OM ever again. I don't think she will be willing to do that based upon what you've written so far. If she will not then you really have no other options except move on.

Marz posted 10/13/2019 12:54 PM

Your gut feelings and the actions/evidence tell you what this is.

Not dealing with reality won't get you much.

The only one who can keep you in limbo is you.

Robert22205https posted 10/13/2019 13:25 PM

I strongly suggest you deal with this head on and not minimize or rug sweep. She made it real clear she was interested in the OM.

Pulling away emotionally is a huge red flag. Your wife's affair (EA or PA) started as early as June (when you noticed her pulling away).

Pulling away is a classic move for someone rationalizing cheating in their head.

If you want to save your relationship, the best strategy is a firm zero tolerance for her relationship with the OM. She must understand that it's the OM or you (there's no middle ground).

At the very least, there has to be zero contact with the OM. They are no longer 'just friends' because she (and maybe him) have crossed the line and romanticized their relationship.

She also has shown that she's not to be trusted to go out on her own or to privately text. Is she willing to be transparent?

What is her plan to rebuild trust?

In view of her deceit, as a starting point to 'reset' trust you consider asking her to write out a timeline (where, what, when) of her relationship with the OM - subject to confirmation with a polygraph test.

If she's withholding information, the prospect of a polygraph test usually triggers a confession.

The sooner you take action the better for you.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:27 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Wxman3441 posted 10/13/2019 14:33 PM

To reply to beenthere in co:

Yes, we live together and share lives together. We are not allowed to date other people. I do not know for sure if she stopped seeing him. Her behavior has not been as suspicious or sneaky but maybe she is just being more careful.

She does not seem remorseful or regret anything because she claims it was only an attraction and harmless flirting. She apologized if I was hurt by what I read but it didn't seem to be the most sincere apology. Maybe shes a really good liar. She did this because she was feeling neglected. I admit I could have done more in that area but she could have as well.

Bigger posted 10/13/2019 14:37 PM

Picking up his kids?
Is he married? Does his wife know?
How about her best friend? The one that has a boyfriend who is the brother of OM? Do they know?

Marz posted 10/13/2019 14:39 PM

[Quote]She did this because she was feeling neglected.[/Quote]

Bullshit.

Nope, she did it because she wanted to.

It was a shiny new object.

She uninvited you to make room and time for him.

You want to stay in the comfort zone of denial go ahead. Won't get you much.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:39 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Wxman3441 posted 10/13/2019 14:39 PM

No, the OM is not married. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship and those 2 kids are actually friends with my "step daughter". I am pretty sure my partner's best friend knows whats going and based on the texts I found, 3 other friends know. These are people I see rather often too.

GreatWideOpen posted 10/13/2019 14:41 PM

Waxman, I have followed your threads in other forums. You have demonstrated extremely indecisive and weak responses in the face of clear and present danger to your relationship.
You've got to read up on and execute the relationship 180 to a tee. No modified 180, no soft 180, nothing short of a rigid, DECISIVE, hard 180.
As is often impressed on men in your position, "you've got to be prepared to lose your relationship in order to save it."
My personal feeling you've already been emotionally left behind in your relationship for sure, and there is an extremely high chance she has taken a new lover in Dave. The only thing that makes me hedge a little is how your wife defines "hooking up". I have seen it mean everything from hanging out at a bar having a few drinks for the evening to hanging out naked in a bed for NSA sex for the evening.
You have said you don't have an emotional connection to her kid, you are struggling with the loss of your mom and mental health issues, and you aren't a good match with your partner in the first place. You've described her actions and presented evidence showing a partner who is not fully in the relationship with you. Prepare to move on without her! Then you will know if she values you in her life.

The1stWife posted 10/13/2019 16:21 PM

🚩 she’s uninviting you to events because Dave will be there

🚩 Stayed out all night w/ no call or notice

🚩 flirty texts and she’s admitted feelings

I call bull! She is having an affair. I do not know if they had sex or not. Doesn’t matter. Her behavior is pointing to cheating and an affair.

Never ever apologize for invading her privacy to get the truth. During infidelity it is every man (or woman) for themselves. You do what you have to do because you know you won’t get a straight answer from a cheater. Without proof you won’t get an honest answer from a cheater.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Do not apologize.

goalong posted 10/13/2019 20:27 PM

she claimed she needed space from me because I have been down

that should have told you something

if she started to feel something for someone else, she should have backed off right away

Rather you should have thought about what type of a girl she is.
In cases like these the more the BS accommodate the less attractive she or he (especially he) become to the WS. Regardless of how you feel emotionally do not be a push over. The moment you take or at least pretend to take concrete actions she will come to her senses. Normally cheating need a caring BS to be fully enjoyed, the moment BS start detaching WS start noticing and she/he cannot enjoy cheating as much

[This message edited by goalong at 8:37 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Bigger posted 10/13/2019 20:33 PM

Wxman

You don’t really paint a picture of a long-term happy marriage. Plus how disinterested you sound about her daughter… It makes me wonder what it is that you are trying to save?
I think it’s clear she’s having some sort of affair. A minimum it’s an emotional affair, but it’s had more than enough opportunity to be more.

Keep in mind that reconciling is TREMENDOUS work and needs both of you to commit to it. If the marriage isn’t good, hasn’t been good and your heart isn’t in it… Well… maybe its time simply to end it.

EllieKMAS posted 10/14/2019 14:57 PM

There has been a gnawing pit in my belly since then something went on. The other night I did something I am not proud of - I invaded her privacy and went into her phone and discovered some incriminating texts. Please don't beat me up too much over this - I know its wrong and I confessed to her.

Nope - this is in no way wrong. Her behavior was suspicious enough that you felt like you needed to do this and then you found confirmation that your suspicions were true. Guess what... She is cheating on you so you 'invading her privacy' is 100% understandable and excusable and you don't owe her confession or one effing word of apology for it.

My Xwh did the same thing when I went through his phone after 2 DDays - lecturing to me about MY lack of trust in him. Ummm... if a person isn't acting in a trustworthy manner then I am allowed not to trust them.

So sorry you are going through this Wxman.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/16/2019 20:50 PM

Read up in the healing library about fog. It is the worst. It's like your WS doesn't even make sense or think rationally anymore. It's so annoying and it's very very real. I wish I understood about fog from the get go. WS just live in their own little world.....

Wxman3441 posted 10/18/2019 09:06 AM

I am struggling because she is only admitting to being attracting to him and flirting with him. I mean a found a text the day after she spent the night at his place (mind you with several other ppl) where she says she is going to try and avoid me for a few days to which her friend replied, "smart".

fareast posted 10/18/2019 09:50 AM

Wxman3441:

You lost your Mom this Spring and have been struggling with depression and mental issues in the aftermath. Your so-called committed partner took the opportunity of your suffering in the aftermath of losing your Mom to pursue another man. Your grieving was affecting HER, and all she cares about is HERSELF. At a time when you needed support the most, she is flirting with another man, staying out all night, and doing things with him that causes her to stay away from you for a few days. Smart? Not!

Read the 1stwifes post again. You are allowing yourself to stay in limbo with a person who cares only about herself. You know enough to begin to extricate yourself from her. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:28 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 10/18/2019 10:36 AM

the day after she spent the night at his place (mind you with several other ppl) where she says she is going to try and avoid me for a few days to which her friend replied, "smart".

So she spends the night with her "summer crush" and doesn't answer your calls or texts, and you think they haven't even kissed ? moreover even if "several other ppl" stayed at the house (probably a lie), houses have rooms, it's obvious her friends know what's going on, were these the same friends who stayed at the house ? I think the chances thant this is not a PA are very very slim, but anyways she's not remorseful by a long shot and therefore not R material, save yourself from lots of heartache and RUN for the hills and don't look back, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Westway posted 10/18/2019 13:00 PM

She's cheating on you Wxman. If there are no common-law marriage rules in your state, then I say part ways with her and come up with an agreement for child custody.

It sounds to me like she has checked out on you. So sorry my man.

ShutterHappy posted 10/18/2019 13:27 PM

she says she is going to try and avoid me for a few days to which her friend replied, "smart".

If I were to guess, she did something with Dave and was worried that she would not be able to keep a straight face and her friend agreed.

Even if nothing happened (which most of us doubt) ask yourself why you would stay in a relationship where your partner "uninvited" you to parties and flirt with other men?

My XWW got invited to a ski trip with a new bunch of friends, and when I ask if I could come, she said no, "because you don’t know them" Well as it turned out, the bunch of friends couldn’t make it, she went alone with the OM, and the astute reader can guess the rest. My XWW had her fun with the OM and I was the good safe provider and home keeper. Don’t be the same.

When you start to get excluded like that, it’s your cue to move on.

Marz posted 10/18/2019 13:32 PM

I am struggling because she is only admitting to being attracting to him and flirting with him. I mean a found a text the day after she spent the night at his place (mind you with several other ppl) where she says she is going to try and avoid me for a few days to which her friend replied, "smart".

Bud this isn't a court of law. You don't need verified proof or a confession. You know what this was.