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This part is going to be hard.

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Justsomeguy posted 10/14/2019 07:16 AM

I'm sitting in bed at 5 am, having just sent a goodbye text to a woman I love deeply. It has been over a month since we have seen each other and 7 months apart. I had hoped that we might reconnect after I had gotten my life settled, but that us not to be. Despite everything we had, the difficulties were too significant. Breaks my heart though.

So here I am, alone, trying to make sense of everything, trying to to grips with the loneliness. Its not too bad during the week I have the kids, but when I don't, how do I deal with it? I mean, there are only do many movies I can watch.

I tried going to a bar to listen to a band, but only lasted one set before I came home. I need to do something or I will just fuse to the couch...

Did any of you experience this deep sadness and loneliness? How did you deal with it. Did you experience social anxiety getting out again? Need some encouragement. Feeling pretty low. Thanks

Catwoman posted 10/14/2019 08:54 AM

You cope by getting comfortable being alone.

I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it is the truth.

What do you like to do when you're not being a parent? Hobbies? Pursuits? Those are the things you should be pursuing instead of a person. Those pursuits will bring you friends and occupy your time in a healthy way.

What about taking a community education course? I know a lot of communities offer things like personal finance, photography, computer skills. It's a good way to get out in a setting that helps your self-confidence. Lots of colleges offer interesting courses--I know my SO took one on fairy tales (no joke) from an Ivy League university.

Cat

inthedarkness posted 10/14/2019 09:44 AM

You may have loved the "old" her - but you must see who she is now. Try and focus on the fact that she is a liar and self-centered. This is not a person you want to be close to - she cannot be trusted with your heart.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/14/2019 09:58 AM

I could have written the same thing. I am in IHS for the time being and it's very isolating. I too had a year of false R. I am very lonely too.

I have no advice. I've tried taking myself out. Doing nice things for myself. Going out to a nice meal...only to not eat much of it. Went golfing alone - or actually paid for golf - and then didn't even tee off, instead I just stood in the parking lot smoking cigarettes (something I had given up before) for hours and going home.

I'm not experiencing any anxiety per se, just total and complete lack of motivation to do anything. My situation is temporary in that I will be moving away from here in about a year - but permanent enough that starting to pack now would be ridiculous.

I would classify my feelings as deep sadness and loneliness for sure, yes. I wish I had better advice but most days I go to work and then just sit in my room in bed.

Hutch posted 10/14/2019 10:38 AM

My D has been long coming. It should have literally occurred 20 years ago. Even with that being said, itís a strange reality that when my D is final, my STBXH will be gone.
Sure, weíll have to communicate as we have two children (S19, S17) but that will be it.

Even when you know the D is best, the relationship is toxic and slowly killing you, and you know that one day youíll find that joy you deserve, thereís something difficult and sad about it ending. I think everyone on SI will say thatís completely normal. Life as you know it, as your kids know it, is changing.

Fear of the unknown is a bitch that digs her claws in. I think we all battle the unknown moving into this next phase of life. In the moment and right now, itís terrifying. The idea of being alone is terrifying. So hereís some advice I was given in IC. And Iíll be truthful, it helps but Iím having a hard time with it too, but Iím getting there. You will too.

Fear of the the unknown causes anxiety. How do you know you wonít be okay? How do you know you wonít embrace the peace of being free from toxicity? How do you know you wonít meet an incredible woman a year from now and have a lasting, loving relationship? How do you know you wonít enjoy being single? The thing is, you donít know. We are scared of the h known because itís not our normal. Itís terrifying. And weíll inevitably have bad days BUT you may also have really wonderful days. You just donít know.

So while itís hard, while youíre hurting, while you go through these changes, you focus on today. You get through today and you donít worry about the unknown.

What are some hobbies you like?
Where can you volunteer?
What places do you want to travel to?
What things have you always wanted to did that you havenít yet?
Find what your interests are and pursue them.

I wonít lie. This morning I woke up with intense anxiety and sadness. My STBXH is here as we have an in-home separation until our D is final and he moves out. Some days are harder than others. My older son who was visiting this weekend went back to school. My younger son is a senior in HS and the reality of an empty house and being alone makes me sad. So anxiety!
But Iím thinking too far ahead. I have today to get through first.

Take it day by day. Breathe. Feel. Reach out on SI and share. You can do this!

Tigersrule77 posted 10/14/2019 11:08 AM

I think most, if not everyone, experiences the sadness and loneliness. I believe it will become better, but it takes time.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Sports? I enjoyed playing golf, but found it difficult while married. Now that I have every other weekend to myself, it allows for time for it.

Invite friends out for activities. A connected with a friend from church and every few weeks we hang out to watch UFC. I'm now friends with one of his oldest friends and we have a great time.

I would suggest to you that you need to think of things you enjoy and go DO them. Now you will have no one else to blame. Learn to play an instrument or something else you've wanted to do. Try to look at all of the open doors you now have, instead of the one that closed.

barcher144 posted 10/14/2019 12:24 PM

Pretty much what everyone else said.

Try to find something to do to occupy your time. Probably several different things.

The things that I have done included:

1. Home improvement projects (I'm handy)
2. Exercising
3. Fishing

I tried to avoid hobbies that involved a lot of internal reflection, like reading.

Edit to add:

Step 3: Get a dog

I technically just violated a rule by quoting something from another thread in this thread... but it's generally applicable and totally out of context.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 12:25 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 10/14/2019 14:19 PM

Hey JSG. It is hard for a while, but it really does get better. For a bit I remember manically checking my phone for any messages, anything to fill the void. Things that helped me

Travel
Exercise
Accepting every invitation even not all that interested. All of them.
Meditation and Yoga (to quiet my monkey brain)
Attempting every conceivable hobby to see what stuck. I love to read but lost the ability to focus enough. Took a long time to get that skill back.
Cooking ó takes time and allows me to focus on what I am eating to be healthy.
Movies at the theateró we can reserve seats so I could slip in just before it started, watch my movie, then leave. First time was weird, fine after that. And didnít have to share my popcorn :-)


One day I came home and the silence was no longer deafening ó it felt peaceful. Little wins like that became more and more common. Now I love it.

Just keep going.

Justsomeguy posted 10/14/2019 18:25 PM

Thank you all. I know it is going to be a long, tough road. So much has been taken from me. I feel robbed of my intact family. I'll never experience being grandparents together. All of the holidays are changed. Everything. I go to sleep alone, I wake up alone, I shop alone. It's a table for one when I have enough spare money to afford to treat myself. It's just bloody hard.

You know what I miss? I miss the everyday shit, the utter banality of life and having someone to share it with. I miss cuddling on the couch and watching tv. I miss cooking with someone drinking a glass of wine. I miss touching feet under the covers. Will I have that again? Who knows. What I know is that I had an intact family and now it's gone. And for what? Ego kibbles, so she could feel young and purdy? She got nothing and all it cost was everyone, everything.

I know I have to be happy alone. But seriously, how do you do that? Easy to say, hard to do I suspect. I'll keep you posted.

StormyPrincess posted 10/14/2019 19:52 PM

Just some guy:
It IS lonely. But, not always. Time will help.

I was totally unmotivated for a very long time. Finally got the energy/courage to go out after work with coworkers. Just dinner then home. It was so helpful.

Also started back to church more regularly. Some days I just want to sit in the parking lot but after forcing myself to go in I feel better.

Last week I found some pen pals. That has been wonderfully uplifting. Today I am happier than I have been in so very long.

Baby steps.
((Hugs))
SP

Justsomeguy posted 10/15/2019 16:20 PM

Thank you. Baby steps for sure. What gets me is the range of emotions that I cycle through in not oy a day, but even in an hour. Hopefully I will settle soon.

StormyPrincess posted 10/16/2019 06:27 AM

Good morning from the scenic Midwest USA.
I think it took me the better part of 2017-18 to not think about it every hour. And then the last year Iíve been able to go a day sometimes two or more. Weíre grieving losses here. It isnít going to happen overnight but I guarantee it is going to get better.

Like many said above, try to find something to distract you. The community Ed class thing worked for me for a day. I took a class and it helped with my social anxiety. Then going to that dinner with some coworkers, that was huge. It took me a long time to be able to say yes. And church has been a wonderful help. I still struggle with sitting in the pew alone but then again Iím not really alone. Youíve got this, hang in there. We have tons of support here.

((Hugs))
SP

Justsomeguy posted 10/21/2019 08:39 AM

My babies are back with me this week so things are better. I cant stand the arguing between them, but everyone tells me it's normal for teenage girls. I dont have the kids next weekend so I am doing something for me for a change. I'm packing up my car and heading to the coast to see an old friend. Plan on drinking some scotch and complaining about shit like two old guys. Should be fun. Oh, and I am going to hit the Ikea! Yeeehaa!

Despite having something to look forward to, i am oscillating between sadness and loneliness, but it is getting a little better as i begin to accept that this is now my reality. I wonder if it will ever feel normal or comfortable? I would hate to be sad for the rest of my life.

Justsomeguy posted 11/9/2019 12:29 PM

Okay.im not sure if anyone reads this post, but I thought I would give a update. I actually went out last night! I mean really went out for a whole evening. It was nice. Went out with a buddy and listened to some live music. Had a few beers and sat on a barstool, watching people dance to some pretty old covers. All in all, it was a success, though I was still glad to get home.

I'm still a little lonely, but not as deeply as a couple weeks previous. I'm either adjusting or the meds and exercise are helping. Either way, that is progress. I dont have my kids this week, so I am going to try a couple new recipes to see if they like them before I put the into my meal rotation. They are fussy and dont always like the same thing. Sometimes I feel like I am negotiating a peace treaty between nations. Any recipe suggestions would be appreciated, especially ones that work in an instapot. I absolutely love mine.

A few others goals this week and that should keep me busy until I get my babies back. Monday is Remembrance Day and it might be a bit of a pisser for me. Then a short week. So here it goes. Wish me luck. And thanks for all who posted. It does help to know you are not alone.

The1stWife posted 11/9/2019 15:33 PM

Glad to see you have made some progress. Rock on!

Find a club or volunteer organization.

NoOptTo posted 11/9/2019 17:20 PM

So glad you finally ventured out. Even if you had some beers, sitting a stool and people watched with your friend. It's a beginning. Hopefully you'll venture to some local meet up programs soon. Do an activity with others.

As for a recipe, here is one. We call it taco bake.
Cook a lb of ground beef then add taco seasoning after draining the fat. Then later it the beef between soft taco shells forming a lasagna shape. Cover the top with a jar of queso cheese sauce and diced chili tomatoes. Put it into a 350 oven for about 15 min or til warmed through.

Slice it like a cake and enjoy.

You can add various things I to to make it more nutritional. We mix refried beans into the taco meat so its blended. Our youngest doesn't like beans but loves this dish. We have layered the refried beans between beef layers since. You can dice veggies if you like. It up to your imagination. Hey the cheese sauce hides alot of things.... lol.

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 5:34 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Shehawk posted 11/9/2019 19:06 PM

Hello JSG

I think you can search my posts about stuff I did to heal. And how horribly hard it was.

I worked really really hard on myself.

I attended worship alone (Left at least one time to just sob and you know what? People came and sat with me.).

I exercised regularly..when I did not feel like it...At all!

I said yes to scary things like travelling alone. I stayed in hostels so I would not actually be alone.

I made new friends. Who actually value me.

And in it all, I never ever gave up!


Believe it or not I have even met men who have asked me out while I was sitting alone in a Starbucks or at a gem auction with a friend. Extremely nice looking men who I politely declined because they were much too young and I am not yet divorced but when I am divorced I know there are men out there who will treat me like the valuable gift I am. And you are too.

And I have walked out of the ashes and told my story and listened to other people's stories. There are alot of good people out there waking or who have walked through what you have.

May you heal and walk into this new life you have been given...one that is free of the abuse of infidelity.

My heart breaks for the pain infidelity causes.

Incarnate posted 11/9/2019 20:24 PM

Honestly, I am just over 12 weeks out. I am pushing -hard- to cut myself off from the ex emotionally due to extended insidious gaslighting and emotional, psychological abuse.

I isolatehard, but that isolation is making it much, much easier to get used to being without her. I am lonely, yes, I am bored, and I am complacent, but i'm getting less depressed about being alone. I'm losing myself in my work and I'm fixating on specific goals.

I'm a little sadder, a bit angrier, and a lot less willing to take people's shit, but...

I am getting comfortable being alone. It'll take some time and some effort. At a month out, I was an absolute mess.

Still am, tbh, but it's an organized chaos now.

Butforthegrace posted 11/9/2019 21:46 PM

So here I am, alone, trying to make sense of everything, trying to to grips with the loneliness. Its not too bad during the week I have the kids, but when I don't, how do I deal with it? I mean, there are only do many movies I can watch.

The way I adjusted was to use my newfound alone time to accomplish something I wanted to accomplish, that made me feel good about myself. It was various things. I joined a band and played a lot of music. I worked out more and got in shape. Read some classic works of literature. Worked more and made brownie points at the workplace for being "Mr. Nose To The Grindstone". Stuff like that.

I also made myself get out some and dated some women. It was cool dating because I had no expectations. It could be five minutes, an hour, a dinner, etc. I just enjoyed the company that I had in the moment.

Justsomeguy posted 11/10/2019 10:07 AM

Thank you all for posting. I'll give the taco recipe a go.

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