"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ssss posted 10/18/2019 09:59 AM

I just found out my husband had an affair for the last 4 months. She is also married and her husband called me with the wonderful news. My husband is a contractor and did work on their home. We have been together 18 years. I was shocked. I told him to get out. He left that day, crying and begging me to think about trying to forgive him. He said he made the biggest mistake of his life. I saw the text messages where he told her to never contact him again. He has changed his phone number and I have access to all call logs. He is getting tested for std's today. I miss him so much. He is/was my best friend, I thought. Am I crazy to want to work it out? He swears this was a one time thing and will do anything to prove how much he loves me. How long should we stay separated? I am so confused I can't stop crying. I never dreamed this would happen.

[This message edited by ssss at 10:08 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

MamaDragon posted 10/18/2019 10:18 AM

No, you are not crazy.

When I found out, I decided then and there I was R'ing and so far, 12+ years out we are still together.

First things first though, schedule you an appointment for STD testing. Go see a lawyer - you don't have to divorce but you can know what your options are = knowledge is power. Gather your financials, you can learn a lot about the affair from that = and from cell phone records.

Now, what you need to do is make sure you take care of yourself - eat healthy, you might not feel like it but try. Drink plenty of H20 and limit alcohol (since it is a depressant), exercise or do something physical every day - this is for you, it helps with stress. Start a new hobby - this is helpful with mind movies. See a doc for short term help with depression & sleeplessness. Also, come here to vent.

If she is married - tell her AP. Absolutely tell him. He deserves to know and it is his health at risk.

Now, for your WH....what do you feel you need from him in order to heal? some of the things I've noticed that helps is the following:

He has to go NC with the AP. Some require an NC email/text etc if you go that route, make sure you are included

demand 100% transparency to his phone, social media, emails/text etc.

GPS his car and phone (you can also run dr fone on his phone to recover deleted texts etc)

Request a time line and/or a poly

Request a post nup -

If they work together, he or she must quit - you can also request he tell his supervisor.

Some other things that you can do for yourself, tell people. Expose that A to any and every one you choose. Affairs are like cockroaches, they tend to go away if exposed to the light. Plus the more that know, the better your circle of support is. Don't worry about being embarrassed - his A is NOT YOUR FAULT and you did nothing to facilitate the A - it is all on him, therefore, all the heavy lifting should be done by him.

Finally, see about IC and MC for both of you. It will help.

nekonamida posted 10/18/2019 10:43 AM

Ssss, take good care of yourself.

Before you make a decision, just know that just about every single WS says it was a one time thing and almost every single one was lying. It is one of the most common lies told around here. I highly suggest you let him stay out for a few more days, take time for yourself, read around here, and realize that it is almost never a one time thing. Either he did it multiple times with her or she is not his first. The affair may also be much longer or more in depth than what he is telling you. Very very few people get the truth on DDay.

It is also not a mistake. He made a series of bad choices leading up to the affair. He needs to understand that and own up to it if this is going to work and he becomes a safe partner to you. For now, don't listen to his promises. Think of what you need to accept him back (the truth, a timeline of the affair, him passing a polygraph test, IC/MC, etc.) and see if he will do that to earn his way back into your good graces. Because if you let him move back in and you find out he's broken NC or he refuses to do something that you need then you've got yourself back into a bad situation.

nekonamida posted 10/18/2019 10:45 AM

One more thing - do you still have his old phone? Could you run a text recovery program on it? Do you still have access to his phone records? Do you have access to his Google location? Do you have access to his email account and social media? Try to dig around and see if the evidence you can find matches his story or reveals it as a lie.

landclark posted 10/18/2019 11:10 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It really sucks!

Am I crazy to want to work it out?

No, you're not crazy. Many many people will tell you don't even think about R at this point, but I think it's fine to decide that you would like to try.

That said, there's a lot of work that needs to be done before getting there, and working on things doesn't mean you've committed to R long term or committed to not changing your mind if the work can't be done.

He needs to give you the WHOLE truth (or as much as you want), a timeline of events, he needs to figure out why he felt ok doing this (and not the BS we weren't connected or you weren't kinky enough shit, the real whys), full transparency to everything, etc.

You need to work on your healing and decide what R looks like for you, and what you want long term. Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and not the easy reasons (like divorce is just a pain).

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair is a great book, and one I wish I had given my WH on day one because he basically made ALL the mistakes.

Something that helped me early on was identifying what I needed for him to stay in the home. I needed full transparency, needed location tracking, needed to know who he was working with, etc.

The healing library here is great, and lots of primers for when you first find out. There's good resources for him as well.

Best of luck to you. I know how those early days hurt and just plain suck.

[This message edited by landclark at 11:11 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

NotInMyLife posted 10/18/2019 13:13 PM

Am I crazy to want to work it out?

Not at all. You would be crazy though to just jump to forgiveness and moving on.

It's funny that he didn't think it was a mistake until he was exposed by the OBS. Now he says it will do "anything". What has he actually proposed though? Why is he leaving it up to you to figure out how to fix what he broke? He could start with Linda MacDonald's 15 steps ( How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair) and go from there.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 1:14 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

allusions posted 10/18/2019 13:23 PM

He has to realize that what he did is not a "mistake". He made a series of choices all along the way to get to a 4-month long affair. He made bad decisions, not a mistake. A mistake is buying mozzarella when you intended to buy cheddar

Buffer posted 10/18/2019 14:52 PM

Take it one step at a time.
What do you want? Most likley we don't know.
Gather all relevant information, seek legal advice, seek medical advice.
I/C for him and you.
Get a time line of the A as well as if you want all of the moves and positions then ask for it. However; once heard these words will never leave you. Again what do you need to know.
Communicate more but try not to let the emotions get control of the conversation.

Don't make any marriage decissions for a good few months as you will be up then down. you will want to hit him, hug him ask him why, why me etc.

In with anger out with love.
Exercise more, eat well, drink plenty of water, walk the dog, discuss relationship issues with the said dog they never give bad advice.
If you can, talk with a close friend or relative.

He is a pig

Cyber hugs.

Buffer

ChamomileTea posted 10/18/2019 15:30 PM

The kneejerk reaction for many betrayed spouse's is to try and return things to status quo. I do think you'd be wise to find out exactly what you're dealing with before you agree to reconcile though. After 18 years of marriage, this is the only time he's ever cheated or broken boundaries? If so, what caused that? What changed?

You might consider having him polygraphed to make sure this is indeed the only time. Then, if he's given you an accurate accounting, the next step would be to find out what's broken in his character to allow such perfidy.

The1stWife posted 10/18/2019 15:55 PM

Slow down and breathe. Just breathe.

Do. Not. Make. Any. Decisions. To. Reconcile. Or. Divorce.

Keep repeating that. It is too early. Too soon. You have just suffered a trauma. Your Life is on an emotional roller coaster right now. You need to just exist doing the best you can.

Next week you may hate him. Tomorrow you may want to smack him. The next minute you love him and want him back. That’s part of the rollercoaster.

Recovery from an affair is a long process. I’m telling you that so you will understand that healing does not happen overnight.

Now regarding him. He chose to cheat. You must understand that b/c he will justify his choice to cheat by saying things like “we were disconnected” or “you didn’t pay attention to me” or “you don’t love me”. Most of us have heard these things from the cheater.

Your response should be that he cannot tell you how You felt during the marriage and even if he felt that way, that is NOT a reason to have an Affair. He could have talked to you, suggested counseling for both of you or just him alone, planned some alone time for the two of you etc.

You did nothing to cause him to cheat.

And I agree with other posters that it may not have been the first time he had an affair with one of his clients. It just may be the first time he was caught. Remember he was outed by the AP’s Husband - the other Betrayed spouse (OBS). This could have gone on for who knows how long so he’s not winning any brownie points - he did not man up and admit the affair.

You hold the cards now. You now need to redefine your marriage. You cannot and will not go back to the same old marriage. Things will change. And you now hold the winning hand to make the changes you need to feel safe and secure if you decide to reconcile.

I hope your H understands this. Do not back down on anything.

I suggest you get a counselor just for you. You will need the support and guidance right now. Do not start marriage counseling. It’s not helpful now. Your H needs his own counselor too. And if he refuses to go then that is a red flag 🚩 and opposite if his promises “he will do anything”.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:56 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 10/18/2019 16:28 PM

Welcome SSSS. I am so sorry that you had to find us, but glad you did. You have already received great advice, so I will not add to it other than to give you a very big hug. ((((((SSSS))))).

SMSA925 posted 10/18/2019 16:45 PM

(((ssss)))

Im so sorry to see you here, but so happy you found this place. There is so much good information here. In your current state of mind it will be overwhelming to digest all this. There are a few absolutes I think you need to start with. First, this behavior is 100% on him. It has nothing to do with you, your marriage, anything you said or did. Only a broken person does something like this. He needs to get his butt to a therapist, ASAP to get himself straigtened out. Next, all professionals will tell you, NEVER make an important decision when you are upset. And you will be upset for a long time. Dont let anyone try to pressure you into making a decision yet, you do not need to. Lastly, cheaters lie. They lie, lie and lie some more. Bet on the fact you do not know everything yet. And if you ask them why they lied, many will say it was to protect you from more pain. (Thats BS. You will learn about the cheaters handbook).

From now on, its all about you. Eat healthy, hydrate, exercise, sleep. Of course youre not going to feel like doing any of that, so its extra important you concentrate on you. It would be extra helpful if you find yourself your own professional to talk to. Find someone with experience in infidelity.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/18/2019 19:14 PM

How are you doing SSSS?

Robert22205https posted 10/18/2019 19:27 PM

Don't give him the gift of R immediately.
Give yourself 90 days for your emotions to stabilize.

Have him provide a timeline subject to verification by a polygraph test. The test discourage s lying.

ssss posted 10/18/2019 22:59 PM

Thank you all for the great advice. I am surely on an emotional roller coaster. We talked today and he gave the complete time line from the start. Also, he told me things I did not want to hear, but I did ask so at least he didn't lie about that. I spent three hours checking phone records, texts, etc to verify. So far it is adding up. He is willing to be 100% transparent, go to therapy, take a lie detector test, anything I need him to do he says he will do. So I have complete access to all passwords, and he has a tracker on his phone. He doesn't know it but I put one on his truck too.I have a friend that does that kind of thing. Much easier than I ever thought.I can't be sure he won't leave his phone somewhere and have calls forwarded to a burner. I am now trying to be the smart one. He is not welcome back in my home until he does many of the things on my list. I will be looking into a lie detector test next week. Any advice where I begin with that? I do love him but I will be damned if he comes home before I am sure. I am starting to think clearer now. It is time for him to prove his love and re-commitment to me. I hope I am going about this the right way. I told him I don't know yet if I can forgive him because I just don't. And R-we will see when I am more stable is what I said. I am taking it one day at a time right now. No kids btw.

[This message edited by ssss at 11:03 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

Odonna posted 10/18/2019 23:17 PM

Hey Girl,

First thing, just take a deep breath. Now exhale.... now again... repeat....

Do that as often as you need every day. Repeat...

The rest you have good instincts for, and you are getting good advice. Get the book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. You read it first and mark it up and give it to him with a deadline to read (it is short). You will know in short order whether he can step up to do the work robe a safe partner.

Going to bed now, but I will check in on you tomorrow.

SlapNutsABingo posted 10/21/2019 13:28 PM

How many times has he done contract work over the years at homes with other women, especially single women? This one was at a place where the husband was vigilant or had his guard up or the wife got sloppy. Other women may have been far better at hiding it in the past. Only a polygraph will tell you that because he is going to lie to you at every chance.

Remember, he went to this place to consult on work to be done...Saw something he liked...She was willing so he took it...With NO concern or thought to you or your family. Do the 180, talk to a lawyer and DON'T give him any control.

Oh, and it was not a damn mistake....

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 1:29 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

nekonamida posted 10/21/2019 14:13 PM

Any advice where I begin with that?

Google "polygraph" + your location. You will usually get some good results. If you don't, try the nearest city for the location instead.

The1stWife posted 10/21/2019 15:12 PM

Ssss. I think you have made great choices so far and you are in control of the situation. Good for you!