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Another Bad Night, But I'm Thankful

ibonnie posted 10/19/2019 20:16 PM

Another night where I keep finding myself thinking, "How is this my life? I wish this never happened to me. I wish I knew nothing about infidelity. I can't believe my husband cheated on me. I can't believe he did this."

But... I'm still glad that you all are here. SI is truly "the best worst club that no one ever wanted to join." I'm thankful for everyone that chooses to participate and spend their time and energy here, trying to help others heal. To let them/us/I know we've been heard.

So... another shitty night, but I'm thankful for SI and for all of you reading this.

(Platonic) Hugs and to you all,
ibonnie

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:16 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/19/2019 20:41 PM

This place was such a Godsend when I was in my deepest of despair. I am saddened to see you are having a bad night (((HUGS))). I am very happy though to see you reaching out and putting your feelings into words .

pinkpggy posted 10/19/2019 20:55 PM

I'm sorry you are having a rough night. You are one of my favorite BS and I always appreciate reading your posts and feedback and find them relatable even as a WS. I was reading one the other day and somehow all this time I had missed the fact you live separately from you WH. I never realized that and for some reason it really struck me. Just know complete strangers are rooting for your happiness. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

Brokenandsolost posted 10/19/2019 21:01 PM

I hate the night. Being alone in your thoughts agonizing over the reality of being utterly betrayed and emotionally destroyed by the last person in the world that should want to hurt you. Crying until your whole body aches and wishing you could somehow just make all the pain stop. For me night time also means mind movie time, another lovely byproduct of betrayal. Sitting up unable to sleep because as soon as you close your eyes that's when the nightmares take over, another wonderful byproduct. So yeah I really hate night time.

Dragonfly123 posted 10/20/2019 02:47 AM

I wonít cry anymore, it wrecks my face for several days after , (must be my age), but I ruminate all the time.

I hate that. I hate that the thoughts donít leave you. Itís tiring.

Thank goodness we have this place. I canít believe Iíve been here for over 18 months now. Iím with you, iBonnie, standing right beside you!

Hope you get some sleep lady! Hugs!

sisoon posted 10/20/2019 11:10 AM

ibonnie, I think you're describing a Drama Triangle when you think these thoughts. A way out is to figure out what you're actually feeling - sad, mad, scared, ashamed - and feel it.

ibonnie posted 10/21/2019 00:09 AM

Thank you all. It feels really nice to know I'm not "alone" on the bad nights.

I was reading one the other day and somehow all this time I had missed the fact you live separately from you WH. I never realized that and for some reason it really struck me. Just know complete strangers are rooting for your happiness. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

Thank you pinkpggy, and ditto, for everyone here as well. :) The irony is that when I wrote this, I was spending the night at WH's apartment, in bed with our youngest while he was asleep on the couch. Tonight the kids are both with me at my place, and I just feel much more at peace. Depressing, because I want my family intact and I really do love him. Sometimes I wonder if I won't be able to get past this. That despite wanting it to all work out, maybe there's just too much hurt and disappointment.

For me night time also means mind movie time, another lovely byproduct of betrayal. Sitting up unable to sleep because as soon as you close your eyes that's when the nightmares take over, another wonderful byproduct.

No mind movies for me, just fucked up nightmares for the past few days. Not just blatant infidelity nightmares, but car accidents and injuries and all sorts of messed up things to look forward to when I finally get to sleep. :/

I canít believe Iíve been here for over 18 months now. Iím with you, iBonnie, standing right beside you!

18-months! It's good to keep in mind that there were months where I cried for hours every single day and could barely get out of bed... and here I am, in a place mentally/emotionally that I never thought I could be. The sad nights still suck, but I'm thankful they're less intense and I have good nights with the bad these days...

sissoon, I'm curious what you mean about the drama triangle? You don't need other people for that? And as for figuring out what emotions I feel? It's always overwhelming sadness.

sisoon posted 10/21/2019 16:56 PM

Sadness - I get it. I suspect feeling sad about being betrayed and possibly breaking up a family is pretty healthy. Sadness was what I felt most, so I kept telling myself it's healthy.

DTs can go on in one's head. In fact, I think they usually go on in one's head.

That 'I wish this never happened to me....' could be translated into 'The world (or my WS) made a Victim out of me, and now I'm doomed to this forever.'

For me, there's a difference between feeling sorry for myself and feeling sad/mad/scared. When I'm feeling sorry for myself, I just keep looping, feeling bad. When I know I'm mad/sad/scared, I can let it course through my body and/or I can do some problem-solving.

Tallgirl posted 10/22/2019 05:01 AM

I am sorry you had a bad night. It will get better.

I too am 18 months out and still struggle. I guess I often feel sorry for myself. More so when things are too hard to handle all at once.

Yesterday was one of those. I found out Sunday my oldest hates his job and talked suicide. He is a5 hour flight away. He told his dad not me. And, yes I am grateful he told someone.

On the phone for hours yesterday with him.

I cried at work, a lot.

My son told me that I donít listen, that I am always telling him what to do, always talking about options and what they mean. I heard that as I am a bad mom.

Work is too much right now. I am drowning.

All on top of infidelity.

When hard stuff stacks, geez, coping with anything is near impossible. ibonnie, I am sure there is some stacking here.

So I get bad days, bad night and never enough sleep.

Grateful for better tomorrows and coffee.

We bend, but we do not break.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

ibonnie posted 11/15/2019 01:18 AM

So I started this post on 10/19. I've had insomnia and nightmares since, but haven't felt a crushing wave of sadness in... almost a month. Logically, this should feel like progress. But it doesn't. Right now it feels like I'm trapped. Like I'm never going to escape this sadness. That for the rest of my life, I might go further and further, but the wave will inevitably hit me. I just want to cry. To sleep a dreamless sleep. To not wake up. To cut myself and feel better. I don't feel suicidal, per se. I just wish I could cease to exist and no one would miss me.

Four hours from now, life is going to suck, because I'm going to be exhausted and feel like crap as I run around trying to get two kids to school on time, when all I want to do is call in sick and stay in bed. Parents don't get sick days though. If I don't take the kids to school, they'll be stuck at home with me.

Sorry for the pity party. I'm trying to distract myself so I can stop thinking about where the razor blade is, and how good it would feel pulling it down my arm. The tingly rush of endorphins that would relax me and make sleep possible. But I won't. I'm posting here instead.

iris2536 posted 11/15/2019 02:13 AM

Hi ibonnie. I'm sorry you had a rough night. I'm wondering if you're taking any meds? Some meds can cause vivid nightmares, night sweats and general unrestfulness. I know what it feels like to be plagued with nightmares. I'm familiar with the thoughts of wanting to fall into a dreamless sleep and not wake up. It sucks, but you won't always feel like this.

You have more power than you give yourself credit for, ibonnie. You can take charge of your own mental health. There are things you can do about those nightmares and insomnia.

You'll get through this. Hugs.

Ripped62 posted 11/15/2019 03:19 AM

(((ibonnie)))

No words .... I just care

The1stWife posted 11/15/2019 04:21 AM

I think when you continue to have bad dreams it builds up an anxiety. And you dread the time you would be sleeping because of the nightmares. Which leads to sleeplessness. And more mind games.

Itís a catch 22.

I read until I fall asleep. It helps me.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/15/2019 05:29 AM

Talk to your doctor. You don't have to be suicidal to have depression. I don't like to sound like I'm pushing drugs on people, but mental illness is the one where I will suggest it. Everything we experience affects our brain chemistry. Trauma can have a major affect on how our brains work. Sometimes, people need a little nudge to get their brains back to normal.

I have had depression since I was at least 14 years old. I have tried everything under the sun to overcome it. I finally accepted some time in my late 40s that I need meds to function normally. I could go off them and not be suicidal, but I also wouldn't be able to get out of bed or do a bare minimum of daily functioning like preparing food for my kids.

Tallgirl posted 11/15/2019 06:05 AM

ibonnie,

I hear you.

I have the same shoes, struggles, and live separately as well.

Isn't it just a stinking pile that 18 months out we have what feels like the weight of the world on our shoulders.

I have struggled so much in the last 3-4 weeks, I can't believe it. Exactly the same thoughts, I literally have said these things to WH and a couple of friends this week.

I told WH, who is worried about me and wants to help, yet he goes into full silence when I talk about the affair. Not helpful.

I know I have to change, somehow, to let go of the pain I wear. It is hard to get away from the weight of life right now.

But I also know, that some days, success is getting up, showing up, and doing what we need to do.

This morning, please look in the mirror and say,

"damn, ibonnie, you got love, hugs and good thoughts from people who know all about "this" stuff because, somehow, these SI strangers care about ibonnie. They get me in the ups and downs of infidelity. damn, that feels good. I am a good person, and I am strong. I am standing."

OK, I could have given you a shorter mantra, like "One day at a time, one minute at a time, I will be ok." Both work.

We are all still standing, yeah we kneel, we fall, but every day we stand.

Big hugs ibonnie, we are holding your hand through this, and we know.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/15/2019 07:03 AM

Four hours from now, life is going to suck, because I'm going to be exhausted and feel like crap as I run around trying to get two kids to school on time, when all I want to do is call in sick and stay in bed. Parents don't get sick days though. If I don't take the kids to school, they'll be stuck at home with me.

Sorry for the pity party. I'm trying to distract myself so I can stop thinking about where the razor blade is, and how good it would feel pulling it down my arm. The tingly rush of endorphins that would relax me and make sleep possible. But I won't. I'm posting here instead.

I remember those days.

I've never struggled with cutting, though unfortunately someone I love does, so I'm familiar with it as a release mechanism. What I struggle with is unhealthy eating as a coping tool. I went to a support group for it when my kids were small. One night, the advice was "when you feel a need to eat emotionally, you should take hot bath, go for a long walk, try a hobby, or read a book." I couldn't help it; I snorted. If I had had the kind of life that gave me space to do those things whenever I felt stressed, I would. Sure, I might be able to fit them in once in a while, but not on impulse. The compulsion to binge came when I was drained down to empty or so overwhelmed that I couldn't spare a minute. The sugary food, like the razor blade, called to me: I'm fast. I'm cheap. I'm reliable. And the bill for me gets paid later down the line.

When your pain fills your world to the point where there are only tiny corners to fit yourself in, it feels like your escape options are so limited. Fortunately, the last piece of advice they gave is the one you're implementing, which was to call a friend. Due to our international members, SI is like your beloved city: it never sleeps. I was so sad to wake up and see your struggle, but so glad that my response was coming several posts further in the thread, and that you had virtual hugs to get you through the darkness.

My thoughts are with you in that exhausted struggle this morning, and I hope that once the kids get off to school, you'll have the time to try some of those other self-care options. I'm sorry that you were in that space last night where you felt so limited. Give yourself a lot of credit for fighting the "easy" solution. And forgive yourself for the times you lost the fight.

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