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Never thought I'd be here...

strongwoman1007 posted 10/21/2019 18:26 PM

D day was last Wednesday, I've been lurking here since Thursday. It took me some time to post here but I think typing it all out will help so here goes:

I have been with my WS since high school (we were each others "only" up until this point). We've been married for 11 years and have a 9 year old. I was completely blindsided by this (or so it seemed to me anyway, looking back I can name some signs of issues but I never would have suspected cheating). WS told me on the 11th that he was unhappy with us. That was literally it...any other questions went unanswered (he was just unhappy). On the 13th, he told me that he wanted to separate and he thought that there was no way to fix it. Not willing to do counseling or try anything else. Still can't answer why...just doesn't love me the same way anymore.

On the 15th, I logged in to our cell phone account and discovered a million texts back and forth with a number I didn't recognize (well over 100/day, once 55 before 10am) that escalated in July/August and had continued daily through now. He had texted this number while we were on vacation and even during our son's birthday party. I blocked my number and called the number, got a voicemail and found out it was a female coworker. I confronted WS and he denied that any lines were crossed. He said he was tempted and thought she was interested but nothing had happened. I didn't really believe him...that's a lot of texts for nothing. So at 2am I got into his phone and found sexting texts that confirmed that they were having a PA. They were together the night before where he lied about where he was going. I confronted him when he got home from work and told him to leave. He showed no emotion and said nothing (other than "I was planning to move out anyway"). He told our son that he did a bad thing and had to go away for awhile while our son sobbed.

He has continued the affair since, multiple texting still back and forth. His brother told him he needs to end it and he refused saying "she makes me happy". I can't believe that someone just gives everything up for that! He is choosing the AP over everything including his child. I know that it's not love and just lust/sex but that still hurts.

I don't know this person at all..it's definitely not the person I married. There is just no remorse there and it hurts knowing he's still seeing her. He is still stopping by to see our son and calling him but that seems like too little at this point.

I consulted with an attorney already and will be having him served soon. I just needed to type this out because the disbelief is so hard. How does anyone just pick an AP over everything else? (A question that I will probably never get answered I know). I know our marriage wasn't perfect but I never would have waited until there was no chance to fix things before saying anything. There are definitely times where I would have given him a chance and worked on things but now, it's just too late. This has been going on for about 6 months and is still going on with no remorse shown. I deserve better than that. Thanks for listening!

Chrysalis123 posted 10/21/2019 18:58 PM

Welcome Strongwoman1007. I am so so sorry he did this to you and your child. You are correct, you deserve better than this.

Good on you for seeing an attorney. That took guts and wisdom. Good for you for seeing immediately he is not in your corner, and is in a fact a "danger" to the stability and future for you and your son.

Immediately get a full STD screening. Lock down all finances so he cannot get a second mortgage or steal all your savings etc. Go dark on him. Sometimes the shock and awe approach works best.

Serve him publicly at work. Out them to the business.

And please consider telling your son the age appropriate truth (something like Daddy broke a promise that grown ups make when married. If he directly asks what, tell him Daddy has a girlfriend that is not mommy) Kids tend to blame themselves for everything, and the last need he needs is to think he did something bad that made daddy abandon him.

Ask the attorney about exclusive use of the home and immediately start a parenting plan where your husband takes the child somewhere else. No more happy family and stopping by to see the son, in your house. Give him a huge dose of reality by showing him how incredibly strong you are and there is absolutely no "playing happy family" because he FIRED you from that job.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/21/2019 18:59 PM

You have been heard (((HUGS))).

It is all fantasy...until it isnít. Do you know if the adultery co-conspirator is married? If so...telling her spouse will put more reality to their fantasy.

You DO deserve better than this... and it looks like you are doing things really well for just finding out...good for you!

betsy62 posted 10/21/2019 19:05 PM

Welcome to the best club you can't believe you have to join....but, this place is awesome. You will get tons of help and support here.
This site is so crucial in the early days.
If you have not done so, I suggest you read the Healing Library(yellow box, upper left). And, the tactical primer in this forum.
You are absolutely right...you deserve better. Nobody should have to live with the disrespect shown to us by our WS's.
It sounds like this was a deal breaker for you. It was for me too.
Your WS sounds so much like mine was. After 30 years, he just became this person I did not know anymore.
Take care of yourself. Sleep, eat well, exercise. It is a long journey. You will make it though.

strongwoman1007 posted 10/21/2019 19:08 PM

Thank you! WS work situation is so weird...I'm actually wondering if some of them were in on it. It started because of work "happy hours" which were not happy hours..he went straight from work and didn't get home until midnight or later. He also sends a large amount of texts to another coworker that isn't the AP. This other coworker is a married man with 2 kids so it's very confusing trying to figure out how this guy was involved too (was he in on it, covering for him, etc?). It's just really weird to me to be constantly texting work coworkers so much.

My son does know in age appropriate terms. He's confused and asks if Daddy will always love him (it breaks my heart). But he seems to be getting better each day.

I appreciate the support, it helps even reading many of these posts since there are so many emotions I've been going through every day.

Babette2008 posted 10/21/2019 20:18 PM

For me it was helpful to see that lots of other people were experiencing the EXACT same things I was experiencing. You are not alone.

The odds are good that once the affair moves out of the fun stage and into every day life your husband will discover that the grass is not greener. My husband really dislikes the woman that he formerly "loved". Had he left me for her I doubt they would still be together, they definitely wouldn't have been happy. Sometimes I wish he had left me then as he would have been much worse off today. Getting what he thought he wanted would have been the best punishment.

At least you got out fairly quickly and are likely to be happier in the long run than your cheating spouse. Small comfort now, I know.

NotInMyLife posted 10/21/2019 20:28 PM

I know that it's not love and just lust/sex but that still hurts.
Be careful there. Do not deceive yourself. Those thousands of texts built up an emotional tie that is in fact love. It may not be an actual loving relationship -- as in one with a foundation of acceptance, understanding, and compassion -- but he is "in love".

20yrsagoBS posted 10/21/2019 20:45 PM

Hi strongwoman,

During the aftermath of discovery, itís very easy to become mired in this.

Please force yourself to take time to be good to YOU!

Spend precious time with your son. Create memories for the two of you.

Your Cheater?

Start to plan your life without him. Do not communicate with him unless itís about your child. Refer him to your attorney for everything else.

Start detaching. Itís for your health.

Please stick around here. Check out the other Forums. Thereís so much help here.

You are not alone in this.

Know this one thing: he would have cheated on whoever he was married to. It has nothing to do with you at all.

learningtofeel posted 10/21/2019 21:34 PM

I am so sad for you. This is such a hard time. I also know that you will get through it as we all do. Taking care of yourself and your son is so important right now, and giving yourself a lot of permission to move more slowly and get less done. SI is a lifesaver, especially if you're in a situation where you can't tell everyone around you what's going on. Here you can! Hang in there.

Dragonfly123 posted 10/22/2019 00:40 AM

Strong... welcome... Iím so sorry youíre here. The start of your story is very similar to my own. These limerant style affairs are incredibly destructive and take no prisoners. Your WH is deeply attached to his affair atm. I doubt whether itís the ĎAPí, wonderful people donít fuck married, end of. But he does feel all the rushes of being Ďin loveí. Heís in love with everything the affair is providing for him. As it wanes heíll start to come out of lala unicorn pixie land. Thatís when heíll start trying to play you.

You sound incredibly focused and determined. If you havenít already, make sure your tested for STDs. Heíll get the shock of his life when heís served, good job on that. Read all you can on affair psychology and in the healing library, knowledge is power, it really is.

And post and post often. I know youíre strong but your heart has been broken and the rollercoaster takes us places we really didnít want to go. Reach out here and irl and take as much support as you can.

You got this and weíre right beside you. Hugs for you and your little boy,

LostSurvivor33 posted 10/22/2019 06:40 AM

You seem to be on the right path, way better than I was when I got hit with DD1. Just always remember to take care of yourself and your kid, that is where I am right now. You are not alone, there are so many of us in the same boat. We are all here for emotional support. Lean on your friends and family. Your WS is the villain here, he only has his AP to lean on, you'll have everyone else.

Gutpunch posted 10/22/2019 07:42 AM

Hang in their SW.

The only cure for the pain you are feeling is lots and lots of time.

Understand what he did was because of his shortcomings and had very little to do with you.

I went thru this seven years ago and it does get better with time but I still remember looking at the phone company call and text logs and my heart just started racing.

tushnurse posted 10/22/2019 09:28 AM

(((SW1007)))

You are doing great so far. It is so surreal when this shitstorm descends upon your life.

You are making smart moves. I would second the getting exclusive use of the home, and going dark on him minus communication about your son, and finances.

You do need to go get full STD testing, this means a pelvic and blood work. Anything less you are not being fully tested. When you see your Dr let them know what is going on, and if you are struggling w/ sleeping and eating. This is a huge trauma and some of us benefited from a little pharmaceutical support in the early days. You can also get a referral for a counselor for yourself, although you seem to be holding it together pretty well already.

I would call the pediatrician and see if they can recommend a counselor for your son. 9 is an impressionable age, and he needs someone other than you and your STBXH to discuss his fears, concerns, and pain with.

Keep reading here, keep posting.
Make sure you are doing one nice thing for yourself every single day. It doesn't have to be much, but make you a priority. You need to keep yourself healthy and whole for your kiddo.

(((And Strength))))

nekonamida posted 10/22/2019 10:21 AM

Strongwoman, your name really fits you! You're doing an amazing job of being decisive and forthright. That will serve you VERY well. Keep up the good work.

Charlotte77 posted 10/22/2019 16:25 PM

Iím so sorry to hear what youíre going through. Iím relatively new to this forum (this is my first post - I havenít had the strength to write about my story yet as youíve just done). From what Iíve observed here over the last couple of months youíre in the right place to get some excellent advice and support from people who have been through similar experiences. Sending you lots of strength and well wishes.

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