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I'm falling into darkness

Dichotomy94 posted 11/4/2019 08:41 AM

I'm 25, I've never fallen in love, never had sex, never been with anyone, never even dated, but until a few months ago I stumbled into the dark world of infidelity. This has by far dealt the greatest mental and emotional pain I've ever came across. I've read horrific stories, I've watched a crazy ton of paternity court cases, so many cases of people cheating. I've read tons and tons of stories, and the weight of about more than 1500 accounts from different people is finally tearing me apart inside.

For a while I contemplated suicide just from how heavy this weight I carry is. People say to suffer through pain is to grow and develop. I'm addicted to these stories and am mentally scarred as hell by all of them. Sometimes I spend weeks in other people's shoes, one account had me so messed up I couldn't think straight for 2 weeks.

I've read accounts from cheaters themselves, serial ones as well. People without remorse, or as the common person would regard a sociopath's account. I've watched people who claim to be polyamorous seemingly act as if it's normal to be a swinger. And I've seen more and more accounts from the evil that is brought from this accursed pain.

So far there's only two videos I've watched that have really helped me work on my pain. I watched someone explain that your relationships must have goals, that you should confer every single one of your intentions with your significant other in the relationship. Another video was an account from Esther Perel, in which she explained that to avoid infidelity you have to keep all the qualities that ignited the relationship alive, communication, sex, good looks, intimacy, loyalty, commitment all things must be accounted for at every angle, and it's hard work to do so, I understand this. These two videos really saved my life, and hopefully when I do finally make the effort to start I will carry such wisdom and find more before then.

The reason I haven't so much as dated anyone is because I have a lot of insecurities to work on. I would say I am a handsome sort based on other people's accounts, intelligent too.I work for a fortune 500 company making 72k a year as a network engineer. But I still live with my parents. I figured I'd work on getting all the qualities I'd want in a wife later in life and work towards improving my responsibility before taking the first step. I have only 1 friend and he's a misogynist and MGTOW. I'm a little on the obeise side weighing 219 lb 5'8" but recently started working out, and started committing to being healthier. I've also stopped being lazy and set myself with the intention of achieving all my goals before starting a relationship with someone.

For a large part of my life a lot of my success is attributed to revenge and anger. But after taking this weight many people on this site offer, I decided to change my driving force to hope. I want to remain hopeful enough that even if any case of infidelity were to happen to me, that I can at least remain hopeful enough to find love from someone else. Betrayal is never an option, and never has been for me. It is overwhelmingly difficult to carry this weight on a daily basis, I know I can commit to the advice I was given too, I know that whoever I'm with, I would never under any circumstance steer in loyalty. I was raised this way, being loved by only my parents who have always remained together since the inception of their romance.

Sometimes I think I need a therapist. Sometimes I cry to myself alone from remembering the pain others before me have suffered. Lately I haven't even been able to smile or laugh. A lot of the times I think I'm becoming a sociopath from it. It really hurts a lot to discover the thing I fear more than dying itself.

[This message edited by Dichotomy94 at 8:47 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 08:48 AM

Hi,


May I suggest getting involved in a social group of some kind?

Also, you might benefit from visiting a therapist to help with your isolation. It might be something easily treatable. Exercise also helps produce endorphins, so you feel better, not just making you physically healthy.


Infidelity sucks. Donít let it discourage you from love. Remember, easily half the people here on SI, alone, arenít cheaters. I think thatís likely a pretty accurate representation of society in general.


If you want more in your life, expect more, demand no less. Be the wonderful partner you want to attract.

You can do this!

Dichotomy94 posted 11/4/2019 09:15 AM

Unfortunately a therapist at the moment is one thing I can't undertake. The only thing I can do is work on becoming the kind of person who delivers on his promises. Working on myself and my discipline is all I can do, and work on keeping my hope alive, and maybe enhance it so that my lover doesn't have to let go.

Telling others my account has really helped a lot. I haven't been able to really talk about it with others. At the end of the day, I just want to see hope prevail, hope for not just myself but all of us.

Marie2792 posted 11/4/2019 09:39 AM

I have a 25 year old daughter. She has been in a relationship for 5 years that was touched with infidelity. If nearly destroyed her.

I donít meant this to be insulting or diminishing your anguish, but is this feeling you have based on what you see in the world around you or has someone betrayed you? I only ask because there is a big difference.

Esther Perel is almost like an advocate for rug sweeping infidelity. Her approach is not what is recommended for most betrayed partners. Please know that there are better resources and if poke around in the healing library here yiu will find some.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 09:39 AM

Hi,

Iím not a big fan of Esther, myself, I think she doesnít really get into the nitty gritty behind why Cheaters cheat.

I donít lie because I think I am lazy. I donít want to keep track of the story to keep the lie going.

sisoon posted 11/4/2019 10:50 AM

Bro, You're being unfaithful to yourself. Your new commitment to deliver what you promise is great, but it's very hard to deliver what you promise to yourself without help.

The cure for what ails you is changing your self-talk. IMO, all good therapy goes to changing one's self-talk. I suspect - I could be wrong - if you look carefully, you'll find you're keeping yourself from looking for the help you need.

The cure is identifying your attack-self messaging and and replacing it with self nurturing. It's hard to do on your own, but you may be able to do it.

It's also possible to to white-knuckle yourself to where you want to be, but that may involve replacing attack-self messaging with different attack-self messaging. That won't work for long.

A hug, if it will help (((Dichotomy94)))

I wish you the best

I, too, think you need a good therapist. Start looking now. Get help, bro. You deserve to treat yourself better than you do now.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:52 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

Dichotomy94 posted 11/4/2019 11:24 AM

@Marie2792

I've never been betrayed by anyone, not even my old buddies that I've ghosted in the past, if anything, they never really cared to text or hang out with me anyway, mostly because I'm an introvert. The source of my anguish comes from reading the accounts of others and watching them in effect in court rooms and other places. People who do share their stories don't realize that when you share stories, you take the listener into your level as well. Especially when the listener doesn't have anyone that understands the mindset of someone who grew up with the undying love that a successful relationship brings. It's in my nature, I can't help the fact that my mother showed me how to truly love someone.

I've fallen a lot into other types of darkness, I've experienced defeat at all emotional levels anyone can comprehend. I've kicked back on all except this one, which sparked just months ago. If you really insist, the first story that really tore me apart was on the account of a man that was in a really committed and romantic relationship with a woman, and one day she became pregnant and he was very loving and caring to his girlfriend. His dream of becoming a father suddenly became crushed when he realized the baby wasn't his skin color nor the mother's. Took a paternity test at the recommendation of a doctor. Walked out left the woman and her baby alone as she stared into the wall in the hospital bed. I gave a short version of it sparing the further details that make it heavier. The spiral doesn't end there either it gets heavier as I search for more stories. I've read the accounts of cheaters too. All of them removing shreds and shreds of hope. While I don't encourage anyone ever delve into these stories, should you choose to do so, you can start with reddit AMA (ask me anything) accounts. I am warning you that the deeper you go into them the more it hurts, and the harder it is to keep hope.

As for the comments on Esther, I only followed that particular advice I mentioned about keeping those qualities alive, nothing more, I have other sources but I can only watch and read so much before I have to get back to work.

Just spilling my account was enough to help cope with the weight. But I definitely will search through the Healing library.

[This message edited by Dichotomy94 at 11:30 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

PSTI posted 11/4/2019 16:32 PM

It sounds like a therapist might help, if you're struggling. Hanging out with MGTOW is definitely a toxic culture, and I would highly recommend against this.

Remember that the programming you hear there isn't true. Being the best version of yourself is good, but you don't have to be fake. Taking care of yourself is good, but stressing overmuch about physical appearance is not as important.

What matters? Relationship skills. Don't hold off on dating because you want to "become". Because your whole life you will continue to grow and change. By waiting for some magic point that you can say ok, I'm ready to go date, you're robbing yourself of valuable experience in the world of dating, and how to relate to people.

Finally- there's no need to read things that are emotionally scarring to you. Why torture yourself over things that may or may not happen at some point in the future? That's like parents watching car crash videos of children. Focus on the positives in your life, not the negatives.

pureheartkit posted 11/4/2019 20:23 PM

No need to fall into darkness. There is light all around. Yes, there is darkness on the tv and on the internet. Yes, some lives have dark periods.

That is not everyone's experience as you know. Your life is your own, not someone else's. Do not fear to reach out because you might get hurt. There are no guarantees.

Maybe try going to lunch. That's all. No big expectations. No burden or fear. Just lunch. Maybe a walk. Just that. Leave all the could bes out of it. There's no need for fear. Nobody lives well in fear. Go out and try to have a good experience. Don't worry for the future yet.

ISuferedToGrowUp posted 11/4/2019 20:50 PM

OP, i partly know How tou feel right now, because It was my prevailing fear and adiction for so many years. Im 30 now, but i used to wander in those fůruns since i was about 19, about the time i started engineering too and my father finally left my mother after almost 2 decades of beatrayals and started dating a woman some days younger than me (talk aboit weird, because im the oldest daugther). For awhile i was so disgusted with men in general i tried to be a lesbian (even though i remained putting any intimamcy away), but the thing is i wanted the family package and was atracted to men, actually. Around that age (19) i decided then to try to understand the oyher side (men) and went reading every MRM blogger available (contrary to nowdays there were SO MANY back in the day you have no idea) and saw some bloggers write books and then this moviment lose its momentum, but they helped me to understand a bit of male strugles and that i needed to have something to offer to whoever i married too, so i started to aquire skills "homelly related" my peers from middle class seemed to lack. I eventually met a nice guy, tried to overcome my fear of intimacy, married him. Life got somewhat better, but i know im somehow emotionaly scared and from time to time (like once a year or less) i come to those foruns to see whats going on and somehow bond with the suffering of those going throught this phase, but only by reading, never interacting. I can say im somehow a "infidelity survivor", as i have tgis profound trauma amd fear that you feel, and those strugles (in other people lifes) helped me to understand my mothers triggers, suffering and strugles. Idk what made you auffer from this trauma too, but i can say that as life goes on it become way less powerful and you start understanding and loving people around you better, and Pitty those ugly souls with no empathy and seeing the roots from so many weird behaviours aeound you. Hold on, it gets easier.

Im sorry for my bad english.

SaddestDad posted 11/4/2019 20:57 PM

I've never been betrayed by anyone, not even my old buddies that I've ghosted in the past, if anything, they never really cared to text or hang out with me anyway, mostly because I'm an introvert. The source of my anguish comes from reading the accounts of others and watching them in effect in court rooms and other places.

Dichotomy94,
Although seeing how you're affected by the stories of our pain and anguish is, in a way, touching... I'm going to suggest that you stay far away from this website until you've gotten a therapist (whether you may think it is something you need or not). The amount of hurt that you felt - enough to seek out this community when you're a young guy who hasn't been tainted by such - is, in my humble opinion, quite alarming.

Please seek help for the darkness you're slipping into. Do not allow the problems of others become your own cross to bear.

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