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Feeling so very alone

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Workwife posted 11/4/2019 15:07 PM

Dday will be three years ago this february. Nothing has changed. He still works with the married COW. The last thing our MC suggested was we visit the office together and he introduces me to everyone, AP included. The MC thought it might help us solve the work issue. My husband has since been promoting so him leaving the workplace has become even more difficult.

The visit to the workplace was planned but it wasnít clear if AP would be there. During a meeting beforehand my WH spoke to her about the visit and asked if she would be there. She said she wouldnít and that she wasnít interested in meeting me. This was discussed at MC and I asked what WHís response was. He didnít respond to her. MC told him to call her with me present and to tell her that meeting me was the least she could do with all they had done together. And whatever she would say the visit could take place anyway. My WH wouldnít call her with me present. The next day they talked. He said what the MC told him to say and the AP got angry and disconnected the phone. This was the end of me visiting with her present. My WH doesnít want me there because she would cause a scene and he might loose his job.

I told him to leave our home after this. It has made me feel so alone that he discussed this all with AP and even gave her the opportunity to speak her mind. Because he didnít want to call her with me present, I have also trouble believing his story. We are now arranging mediation to handle our divorce. I feel so alone in this. They both still have their well paying jobs together and I will be struggling financially with our three children. She still has her marriage with her unknowing spouse. It is the end for us, but it is all so unfair.

inthedarkness posted 11/4/2019 15:18 PM

She still has her marriage with her unknowing spouse.

Why hasn't the other BS been told?

Workwife posted 11/4/2019 15:25 PM

I donít know who he is. Short of hiring a costly PI I cannot contact him. But most of all I am not about to stoop to their level. I am not the one to tell him. His knowing or not wonít change the way my WH is disrespecting me.

inthedarkness posted 11/4/2019 15:37 PM

If you know who she is, it shouldn't be hard to find out who her husband is by just searching the internet.

If the BS knows, there's a good chance this nonsense will stop very quickly.

Lemondrop10 posted 11/4/2019 15:52 PM

I agree, if you know who she is it would be relatively easy to find him online.

I was informed by one of the OBS that way. He discovered the affair through Facebook messenger, figured out my name from my XH profile, googled my name and found out where I worked because my NPI number shows up as associated with my workplace and showed up there with the print-outs of their chat logs and gave it to one of the receptionists to give to me.

It was not a good day but I was glad he informed me. I had no clue.

annb posted 11/4/2019 15:55 PM

I suggest you tell her husband.

He deserves to know his wife is a cheater.

There's always a way to find someone.

The internet is a valuable source.

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/4/2019 16:00 PM

I am currently in limbo and feel WH is not doing enough to move in the R direction, but I am not ready to D yet. I always say something will happen and I will just know that I am done. This is your something. You are not alone. Find a good attorney who will get you what you deserve. It is almost impossible for your WH to do the right thing with AP around him every single day. They are like addicts who think they can be around it but not use. AP was his drug and he probably feels like since it is not a PA and he only talks with her at work it is not a big deal. That they can be friends. He is not realizing that he is choosing her over you by not doing what the MC said. If you were to R, you are supposed to be a team dealing with this. He is not on your team right now.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you will find that you are stronger than you know. You are entitled to marital assets -get a shark attorney who will get you the most possible so that finances are not such a huge concern. Many hugs to you.

Zamboni posted 11/4/2019 16:05 PM

Why in the world is your MC suggesting you be introduced to your WHís AP??

That sounds positively awful and incredibly stressful / painful for you. Three years is not that long ago.

The1stWife posted 11/4/2019 18:16 PM

I agree you are being disrespected by your H. Him having any contact w/ the OW is wrong.

But did anyone think she would willingly meet you? That seems far fetched IMO.

Start focusing on you healing you. Not him healing you. He can only do so much. But you can do things to make the OW less of an impact on you. If your H isnít doing what you need then you need to refocus on what you can do for yourself.

In the end sometimes detaching helps. Itís been six years from dday for me. I was feeling like you at three years from drsy. Not healed. Not fully happy. Still focusing on the Affair and negativity.

I decided I deserved better. I deserved to be happy and get rid of my drowning in the fall out. It took me a year but it worked.

I had to accept some things and redirect my focus on other things. But I can say I am happy. Life is much better. BEcause my marriage is it my priority. I am. MY happiness comes first.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 19:18 PM

Gggrrr WorkWife!


I am so mad for you! Your WH is a fool! This was an opportunity for him to prove he puts you first.

Tallgirl posted 11/4/2019 20:17 PM

Work wife,

Can I say I wish SOMEONE told me years ago. I would not have to deal with this level of pain now, or the duration of cheating.

I donít think it is stooping to their level at all. It is telling the OBS that their life is a lie. It is giving them a choice in their marriage. A choice that I wish I had.

I could of been saved years of living a false life. It would hurt but honestly it is a kindness. And it is then their choice to stay or go.

You husband is still stuck in his affair mentality. You are his wife, you should be the priority.

And I have to ask this - what drugs was your MC on to think this was a good idea?

You sound decided. Good for you. That is to be admired. It is not easy.

Marie2792 posted 11/4/2019 21:37 PM

Your Mc needs to be fired. I cannot imagine any therapist believing this was a good idea.

I donít say this often, if at all, but I think that your husband is still in the affair. His refusal to call OW in front of you is a big tell all. You have no way of knowing what is being said in his office between them. He wants to keep it that way which is why all of a sudden OW will make a scene and heíll get fired. All lies.

Please tell the OBS. He deserves to know. Not just to blown up the affair bubble. He needs to be checked for STD and he needs to be aware his wife isnít faithful. I wouldnít want to know if I wasnít the one who discovered it.

Workwife posted 11/5/2019 15:04 PM

No need to fire the MC. I wanted to be there, to break the spell of the workplace so to speak. I didnít want to strike up a conversation with her but just shake her hand as I would-be with the other employees. I wanted my husband to present me as his queen. Our MC understood that. She also thought it would help us in the continued contact situation.

The telling OBS really isnít possible. The AP doesnít have a digital footprint at all. I only know her maidenname. I already called a PI and the only thing they can do for me is follow her. I donít feel comfortable arranging that and I donít have the means to pay for it either. If I was able to tell OBS it would be because I think he has a right to know, not because I gelieve it would force my WH to choose me. I want to be chosen regardless.

As far as working on me, I think Iím doing lots. I have been in IC from the beginning and am doing EMDR to work through the trauma. I learned stuff about myself and the way I am in relationships that I want to change for myself. The only thing lacking is an empathic, remorsefull, selfless spouse....

KaleidoscopePic posted 11/5/2019 22:36 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts. I'm not clear for sure, if you are retaining an attorney, but that is my advice. I have been through it so many times with my x not paying the court ordered child support. He is currently over $15,000 in arrears. He was good at paying until he married OW. Once he started a new family, our children were an inconvenience to him. Make sure you get a good attorney who will fight for you and the kids. I know it can be a bitter pill to swallow that he has a great paying job and you will struggle, but with that great paying job your attorney should be able to get you a fair amount of child support. I remember wishing my x would have a hard time financially, because it didn't seem fair that he was going on two summer vacations and had bought himself a convertible miata. I talked with someone who worked in Child Support Enforcement and she said, "You want him to keep a good paying job because that brings in more child support." I still wished he had to struggle. Guess what? I got my wish. He has been through a series of about four or five jobs since our divorce. He can't seem to hold down a job anymore. When we were married he held down the same job for 13 years. The child support went from 1200 a month to now $400 a month. I got my wish. He's struggling and the kids and I are paying for it. Don't bitterly wish ill on him, because it comes back to bite you in the end.

KaleidoscopePic posted 11/5/2019 22:45 PM

One thing I wanted to share with you: One of the best things I ever did was to get in a divorce support group. Just knowing that once a week I would get to be with others who really "got it" made all the difference in the world. Some weeks I'd make it through by just reminding myself over and over, "Wednesday's coming. If I can just get to Wednesday, then I'll get to be with others who really understand what I'm going through." It's been ten years, and there's still one of the ladies from my support group that I go to when I need to talk to someone who understands. Getting involved in a support group is the best way to deal with the loneliness.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/6/2019 08:14 AM

Sounds like the A may be ongoing. At the very least, your CH still has positive thoughts about the MOW since he's protecting her. Very suspicious that he would not speak to her with you there. I would question if any of these conversations ever even happened. What would happen if you just showed up at his work? Bring lunch.

You need to tell the OBS. He deserves to know what his M and life are a sham.

Onlyjan posted 11/6/2019 23:40 PM

You know where she works. Canít you follow her home? I just think OBS definitely needs to know.

Workwife posted 11/7/2019 13:39 PM

I would have to follow her home for over one hour on a busy highway. I donít think I could do this without beeing noticed. Iím directheid stress would be to much for me. It feels demeaning to me if I would follow her. Even if the outcome is that I can tell OBS. He deserves to know but there are limits to what I am willing to do to get there.

justabrokendream posted 11/7/2019 15:54 PM

Why mediation? With the way he's acting I'd have my own lawyer....

BeingheldbyJesus posted 11/10/2019 08:47 AM

Unfortunately, if you donít tell the OBS, you are enabling the A to continue. It sounds like it is still going on. Your WS is not going to choose you on his own. That fantasy is just too strong. It has to be blown up for WSes to see the destruction.

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