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bella444 (original poster member #68825) posted at 4:15 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2019
WH & I own a real estate business together so we do need to discuss work related items. But I'd like to ignore other texts & phone calls where he asks me what I'm doing today, if it's raining here, & how the dog is, etc. But when I ignore him for too long, he starts getting worried (I had a stroke last year & I feel a few months ago) that something has happened to me.
Do I tell him I don't want to talk to him? That he needs to stick to business only? Or is part of the 180 not discussing anything with him? I know this is a stupid question, but I'm having on of those days (weeks?) where I feel like I'm floundering...
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 5:00 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2019
There are no stupid questions, especially dealing with the fallout of infidelity.
The 180 is more for YOU than him, and you can mold it to fit whatever you need to keep the focus on your recovery.
So, yes, if you require contact for work and you don't want any contact beyond that, set that boundary with him and enforce it.
If you get a chance, there are couple articles in The Healing Library here on SI about ways to approach the 180.
Ultimately, it's simply a way to detach while you figure out what you want and need going forward.
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 7:33 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2019
I am a big advocate of not explaining to the WS what is going on but rather making a declaratory statement that leaves no wiggle room.
Something like "Under the circumstances, I am limiting my interaction with you to business issues only."
Don't explain.
You set your boundaries by showing him exactly what you will and will not put up with.
Asking about the dog? Crickets.
Asking about the showing on the Adams home yesterday? A business response: "It went well--they especially liked the garage and the pool."
Asking about the weather? Crickets.
See how this works?
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:09 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2019
I like the responses thus far, or you can have a canned response.
When you choose to make me and our M a priority then I will discuss other things with you. For now it's business only.
Also since this is so stressful and you had a stroke previously Please take the time to see your Dr make sure your BP is under control, and that you are as healthy as you can be.
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
bella444 (original poster member #68825) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2019
Yes, had a stroke 3 weeks after finding out what WH was doing. Ya think it might be related?! I'm on all sorts of drugs now, have the lisinopril for the blood pressure, added Buspar for the panic attacks & to help with the depression meds....
I like your responses so far - I guess I need to tell him I will only be discussing business only.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:47 PM on Tuesday, November 5th, 2019
You don’t owe him any explanations. Just choose which texts or emails to answer.
You can let him figure it out. If he is so concerned about you then he should have thought about his Choices and the consequences.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
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