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bella444 posted 11/5/2019 10:15 AM

WH & I own a real estate business together so we do need to discuss work related items. But I'd like to ignore other texts & phone calls where he asks me what I'm doing today, if it's raining here, & how the dog is, etc. But when I ignore him for too long, he starts getting worried (I had a stroke last year & I feel a few months ago) that something has happened to me.

Do I tell him I don't want to talk to him? That he needs to stick to business only? Or is part of the 180 not discussing anything with him? I know this is a stupid question, but I'm having on of those days (weeks?) where I feel like I'm floundering...

Oldwounds posted 11/5/2019 11:00 AM

There are no stupid questions, especially dealing with the fallout of infidelity.

The 180 is more for YOU than him, and you can mold it to fit whatever you need to keep the focus on your recovery.

So, yes, if you require contact for work and you don't want any contact beyond that, set that boundary with him and enforce it.

If you get a chance, there are couple articles in The Healing Library here on SI about ways to approach the 180.

Ultimately, it's simply a way to detach while you figure out what you want and need going forward.

Catwoman posted 11/5/2019 13:33 PM

I am a big advocate of not explaining to the WS what is going on but rather making a declaratory statement that leaves no wiggle room.

Something like "Under the circumstances, I am limiting my interaction with you to business issues only."

Don't explain.

You set your boundaries by showing him exactly what you will and will not put up with.

Asking about the dog? Crickets.

Asking about the showing on the Adams home yesterday? A business response: "It went well--they especially liked the garage and the pool."

Asking about the weather? Crickets.

See how this works?

Cat

tushnurse posted 11/5/2019 14:09 PM

I like the responses thus far, or you can have a canned response.

When you choose to make me and our M a priority then I will discuss other things with you. For now it's business only.

Also since this is so stressful and you had a stroke previously Please take the time to see your Dr make sure your BP is under control, and that you are as healthy as you can be.

bella444 posted 11/5/2019 14:51 PM

Yes, had a stroke 3 weeks after finding out what WH was doing. Ya think it might be related?! I'm on all sorts of drugs now, have the lisinopril for the blood pressure, added Buspar for the panic attacks & to help with the depression meds....

I like your responses so far - I guess I need to tell him I will only be discussing business only.

The1stWife posted 11/5/2019 16:47 PM

You don’t owe him any explanations. Just choose which texts or emails to answer.

You can let him figure it out. If he is so concerned about you then he should have thought about his Choices and the consequences.