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Missing AP

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Broken4good posted 11/8/2019 09:09 AM

I feel like this is a subject that will be judged harshly, but I am struggling to make it through a single day without crying. I do love my husband and I have decided I want to work for our marriage, but I am missing my AP every single day, so much so that it almost feels unbearable. And even worse is I can't voice my misery to anyone and hiding my tears from my family and friends is becoming harder and harder. While I know I have to focus my energy on my family, that doesn't make the love between my AP and I just disappear. Will it forever feel like something is missing from my life and will this aching get better ? I am currently trying to find a therapist as I know I need to work on myself and what lead to this, but right now I am just trying to make it through each day.

Lostgirl410 posted 11/8/2019 09:31 AM

No judgment from me. Actually, I'm proud of you for posting that here instead of reaching out to him.

The actions that led to your current feelings were wrong. Feelings however, just are. Eventually you will realize that what you are calling love right now was just a feeling. We could go back and forth about how you wouldn't have these feelings if you hadn't chosen the wrong actions, but what's done is done. So instead of judgement, how about we explore? You can't hide from them. They have to be worked through.

What positive qualities does AP possess that have nothing to do with how he made you feel about yourself?

What are his flaws, or negative qualities? Yes all of them. (Even and especially if listing them means you have to admit you share that same negative trait).

Zugzwang posted 11/8/2019 09:32 AM

Are you sure you just aren't filling shitty about yourself with guilt and just want that quick fix to feel good? What feeds that- the AP. Try finding a healthy source of feeling good. Something internally driven. Go do a bucket list item. Volunteer. Feed yourself. Something is missing from your life. Self love, respect, esteem. You can't get it from anyone else.

You and your AP didn't have love between you two. Love isn't destructive. Love doesn't encourage you to be the worst version of yourself. You love that you could sit in your shit and not be held accountable or pushed to better yourself and you loved having someone to sit with you.


You don't want to be that person anymore.

KingofNothing posted 11/8/2019 11:03 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:39 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Pippin posted 11/8/2019 11:13 AM

Broken4good, I was right there a year ago, including the crying all the time (and Iím typically not a crier). I had no idea how to even start getting out of it. I was miserable. It can get better, much better. It takes time. Iíll bump Maiaís Survival Guide for you. - that was my lifeline for a while.

(To the BS that posted - I canít see you name when responding - you canít post on a thread with a stop sign even if it is helpful and supportive.)

pinkpggy posted 11/8/2019 11:24 AM

Absolutely NO judgement. You are mourning a real relationship and the loss of someone you cared about. The love you felt was real, it was the situation around it that wasn't. You know you deserve better than lying, sneaking, hiding. You are worth so much more than that.

I'm not going to lie, it's going to hurt for a good while. Replace those endorphins with exercise or other activities so your brain can eventually rewire. I know it seems like the pain will never stop...but it will!#

pinkpggy posted 11/8/2019 12:18 PM

**since another poster has taken my words and made a thread about it and labeled it as a vent so I can't reply**

Let me clarify my words. Your affair with your AP was real in your head and real to you. You had a real(as in two people together) relationship where he was a part of your life, your daily routine, your brain space, yes that's real. It's ridiculous to say it wasn't "real". Does that mean it was normal, safe, ethical and true?? Absolutely not. It was built on lies, hiding, shame, guilt, fear. And you cannot build a genuine relationship with any of those things.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:23 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 11/8/2019 12:32 PM

The love you felt was real,

Really? You think that was real? How about you thought that was love? You thought it was real? When it comes down to it, it wasn't or isn't love at all. The whole thing is grounded in lies, manipulation, deception, and cheating. It isn't a real relationship at all.

pinkpggy posted 11/8/2019 12:37 PM

We can say that now, but to her the love she felt was real. When I was in my affair I absolutely felt I was in love, I felt it and I believed it.

Why are WS so scared of admitting that? In the moment, I felt what I believed was love and I really grieved my affair for a good 6 months. Im sorry if that goes against SI script, but who are we to tell people how they feel? I can't stand saying it wasn't real. What was it? A figment of our imaginations?

It doesn't make it ok or right. But why can't I be honest. This WS is hurting and looking for support and I can relate.

How is a WS supposed to work through anything if we continue to minimize and deny? It wasn't real, I didn't like it...own it and validate it and fix it.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:44 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Buck posted 11/8/2019 12:46 PM

Broken4good, I believe you mentioned you were a madhatter in another thread. I think you said you revenge cheated. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

I did the same thing. I am also having a very hard time letting my AP go. I wonder if the RA recovery is a bit different than a regular A? I don't mean to cast stones or set up some sort of cheating hierarchy, it just seems there are different motivations and circumstances between an A and a RA.

Are those feelings you're having triggered by a place or thing? I had issues hearing certain songs from a certain artist and every time I would hear those songs it would feel like someone hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer. EMDR helped greatly with this. I'm now aware of the song, but it has very little impact. It has been incredibly helpful to me.

Hang in there.

Broken4good posted 11/8/2019 12:56 PM

Thank you Lostgirl, it sometimes takes all I have not to message or call. The feelings, feel so real it is overwhelming and I know I loved him and know he felt the same. I also know what is best for everyone is for us to never talk again, but that doesn't make it easier.

I like your questions as they made me look at our relationship a bit different. You are right in that what I loved the most I guess I benefited from. He cared. That's what I loved. He cared about everything from what I ate in the morning to what I wanted out of my career and how I could be the best version of me. If I sit down to try to talk to my husband he turns his head and watches TV plays video games.

His negative qualities are hard because at the current moment I even love those. We used to talk about our flaws in painstaking detail, and make efforts to help the other fix or accept them. I guess the most obvious flaw that we didn't discuss much was he/we were both cheating. In the beginning I often tried to figure out why he was, I would rationalize my own mistakes with it being a RA and my rape, but I wanted to know if there was a problem in his marriage or what was missing, he didn't give much and when I asked if he felt guilt, b/c I was overwhelmed with it, he said none. I did find out he was in a very weird circumstance where his marriage was arranged when he was 18 and he met his wife the day they married. So even his flaws seemed forgivable based on his situation. I know I am probably not seeing clearly still, and there must be more I am purposely not letting myself see, I will keep trying, maybe I'll try to write them down somewhere.

FoenixRising posted 11/8/2019 13:13 PM

Oh girl. No. Judgement. At. All.

This shit is the hardest thing I ever dealt with but it hasnít killed me Yet, though at times I was certain it would.

Hereís the thing, youíre basically detoxing. Getting out of your system. Iím 2 years out next week and some days are still hard but not nearly as hard as those original days where you feel like youíre floating through it, waiting to wake up or convinced youíre having an out of body experience. The destruction you see as you stand up post bullets. Give yourself time.

I made a list of all the things I disliked about AP. I mean down to the shape of his feet. I reread it. I reminded myself it was over and had to be because it was really what was best. And I hugged my kids a lot. They were good reminders of why NC had to be in effect.

Itís really simple though. Do you want your marriage or do you want a divorce? Thatís the choice.

FoenixRising posted 11/8/2019 13:18 PM

Buck- it doesnít change a thing. Itís still infidelity and itís wrong and built on distrust and entitlement and wayward thinking.

FoenixRising posted 11/8/2019 13:19 PM

I agree pink. It was Ďrealí enough.

Zugzwang posted 11/8/2019 13:31 PM

Why are WS so scared of admitting that?

WS admit it here all the time. We were soulmates and some such stuff. There is a big difference in telling a WS that the

The love you felt was real,
and telling them that they thought it was love and the reality is you just loved the ego kibbles or being able to sit in your shit.

pinkpggy posted 11/8/2019 13:39 PM

We can agree to disagree.

Broken4good posted 11/8/2019 13:41 PM

Zugzwang it isn't just wanting a fix to make me feel good. I am not saying he wouldn't make me feel good, but I do really love him. I also don't think he made me the worst version of myself, again I am still in thick of it, so maybe my vision is cloudy. I understand what I did in regards to my marriage was horrible and the worst version of a wife I could have been. However having him made me feel whole and happy and I found I was happier at home and with my family and I worked harder at work, idk how to explain. Hating him and us is not going to get me through it because that feels fake. I do accept that what I did was wrong and I know that is why I am paying for it so hard right now.

I know what my heart feels and I know it was real. Everyone is set on people will find the right person at the right time, but I also believe sometimes you can find the right person at the wrong time. I think it probably happens every single day and maybe some never even realize it. It's because I love him that I let him go, it's because I love him I know he needs to be with his children as do I (we both have extreme circumstances where this is even more critical than most).

Broken4good posted 11/8/2019 13:53 PM

Thank you for your explanation Kingofnothing, I think how you explained it makes sense and I understand the comparison. I am hoping you are right because that means that this will eventually end, the withdrawals always end right?

I haven't eaten in days, when I do I can't keep it in for long , I can't sleep without sleeping pills and I am so gaunt looking my husband told me I look sick. I cry so loud I sometimes just scream out when I am able. But I am choosing that over calling him right now, so I am trying my hardest to tell myself that, that is a step in the right direction

pinkpggy posted 11/8/2019 13:56 PM

When did you go NC?

Broken4good posted 11/8/2019 14:04 PM

Thank you Pippin, I am going to read it. It helps knowing it will get better even if that is far off. Also, what happens someone posts that shouldn't? does the comment go somewhere? I apologize, I am new.

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