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Missing AP

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Broken4good posted 11/20/2019 15:22 PM

Thank you hikingout, no I have not told him and yes she did find out. I am not sure I will. I did however take your advice and make an IC appointment and now it is regularly scheduled. I am going to decide with her what I should do and how to go about it. I feel like I can't trust myself with my thoughts and maybe she can help me see both sides.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/20/2019 17:04 PM

Why wouldn't you tell your WH/BH? Did he tell you about his affair? I would imagine you wanted to know the details. I'm trying to understand why you wouldn't tell him that you had a long affair. I'm also really surprised that your IC told you to wait on telling him and to make a pros and cons list first.

Justsomelady posted 11/20/2019 17:08 PM

A good IC shouldnít tell you what to do, they should guide you and help you see clearly. ETA I had a therapist (not current) who actually helped me almost justify escalation and encouraged me to flirt with OM, as a sort of just fun and free way of being in the world...within boundaries. So ...you have to be careful out there, choosing who you trust for IC.

I do also question the integrity of this IC. You may want to reconsider. I believe transparency about the reality of his M is just as important, even if he was the WS first.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 5:13 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 11/20/2019 18:27 PM

I too am going to go on record as to having had a therapist who not only did not encourage me to be honest with BS but she actually saw us as a couple while she and I had knowledge that I was in an affair but he didn't. After D-day when I was on the fence she had me do the whole pro/con list of choosing AP or BS too, which looking back now I see was absurd. It was never a choice between BS and AP. It was a choice between mental health and not mental health.

Broken4good, I think that is the choice you face also. Lying to your BS indefinitely is not a mentally healthy choice. It causes you to have to live in a split reality all of the time: one where you cheated, and one where you didn't. The mental strain is enormous and it puts a permanent barrier to real vulnerability and intimacy with your BS. It forces you to live without authenticity and erodes your integrity.

There are a couple of WS here who seem to be going for the long term lie (years now) but I can't say as I've seen them heal well. One continues to view AP as someone he knows was toxic for him but he just can't quite get her out of his system and the other has managed to disabuse himself of the notion that AP was so wonderful but continues to feel disconnected and at times depressed. Both have convinced themselves that they somehow are nobly sparing their BS pain. What they are really doing is robbing them of choice while stealing away years of their lives.

I know how terrifying it is to face confessing. I had a very long affair and several times came right to the point of confessing and then was too afraid of things changing, too afraid of what I would be giving up by letting my BS know the truth. From over 9 years down the road of spilling everything, I now know what would have I given up by continuing to lie.

What is keeping you from being honest with your BS? What are you afraid will happen? That is a good place to dig.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

fish8me posted 11/22/2019 12:34 PM

This specific thread made me register to SI and post here. This hits too close to home. And more than a year since DDay, I am still struggling.

I had a 4 year affair with a man who loved me. I truly believe that he loved me, and I loved him with all my heart. Our relationship was more of an EA than PA.

More than a year later, I still cry a lot - in the shower, in the car while driving, I sometimes park at an empty parking lot just to cry my heart out. I have to turn the radio off when a trigger song comes on. He had really convinced me that we were soulmates...not just soulmates, but even Twin Flames! I drank a lot to drown my sorrows. I was in a self destructive path. I had lost interest in life. I tried IC, but it didn't help. I was in depression-hell. I begged God to take my life away.

I am grateful for the posts on this thread, I think the advices will help me too. Everyday, I am trying hard to stay strong. Some days are harder than others. I hope to eventually get out of this mess for my own mental health.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/22/2019 12:57 PM

Fish8me,

It is hard to take that first step and ask for help. You've done that.

You may want to consider starting your own thread...I think you could really use the gallery's help.

Broken4good posted 11/22/2019 13:24 PM

Fish8me you are not alone at all and I am sorry you are still struggling, I am also and am hoping being able to talk about it here with others will help me get through it and stop the need to pull over and cry, because I do the same thing. I also believe we both loved each other but have noticed lots on here will say it wasn't real love, I don't agree with that though. I still appreciate everyones advice though and do believe it was sort of a fantasy in that it was an escape from the real world, to me that doesn't mean it wasn't love though. I can't message you yet but when I can I will be sure to check up on you.

Broken4good posted 11/22/2019 13:30 PM

I know so many of you don't agree with my decision to not tell my BH, but it is not a decision I am taking lightly or making for my own convenience, although I know it seems that way. My husband made it clear when I told him I would have a revenge affair that he knew I would and just wanted me to do it already. He also made it clear he didn't want to know the details and several times I gave him opportunities to look in my phone and he hasn't ever taken them. I know he could not handle it and I also know he would not leave even if I was to come home and say I was completely in love with another man. I would rather suffer with the guilt in silence and work to be a better person than put him through pain I know he can't handle. To me it seems selfish to pull him through the mud to clear my conscience when in reality all it will do is make our already hard lives harder.

I don't expect any of you to agree, but there are different scenarios and in life there is nothing that is one size fits all. To be honest even myself looking back, I wish I never knew or found out what he did, all it did was rip me apart and lead me down this spiral of misery. I don't see at all how me finding out what he did in a moment of weakness helped either of us be better or get stronger.

hikingout posted 11/22/2019 14:35 PM

I can understand where you are coming from on this. My first IC tried to guide me not to confess. And, I listened for a little while (I confessed after 2 months of IC).

There was a lot of guilt, sure, that probably was one precipitating factor not to follow the advice. But, even more so, I had so much work to do as the WS, and there was no way to do that without involving him. There was no way for me to fix our marriage on my own either. It took those couple months to get that much perspective. In the end, I found I had no choice but to confess if I was going to rebuild on a solid foundation and if we were going to rebuild our relationship on a solid foundation.

If your husband cheated first, I don't think it will carry the same shock and trauma that it carried for you when you found out. And, I think he should have some insight on what happens in an affair that most BS wouldn't know upon learning.

I would recommend you take a second look at what it is you really are afraid of. I believe you when you say you don't believe he will leave you.. I don't know if it's him you are totally protecting. I am thinking this is something it might benefit you to dig a little more at. Are you afraid of creating a different balance, I mean he has been the WS and you the BS. I could see possibly sending a signal that you didn't really think cheating was as wrong as you initially presented. Or, you fear it will free him from having to be as remorseful. I am not saying that's the problem or even an issue, but I think there can be things that we fear that we are not aware of. We don't mentally articulate it to ourselves.

I think the idea of hurting him, verses positioning you both to have a more solid foundation is not of equal value. Of course we all have our decisions to make, but I think you need to spend a little more time on what it is you are protecting versus what you are prohibiting from happening by protecting that thing.

Keep posting. I hope things are getting better on the missing the AP. That in itself is so consuming you may just not have had the bandwidth yet to process everything else.

sundance posted 11/22/2019 17:54 PM

Hi Broken4good, if I've your story correctly...

1. Your H cheated on you
2. You told your H you were going to have RA
3. You suffer a violent rape
4. You start your RA within 2 weeks of your rape
5. Your AP's wife was pregnant
6. AP's wife gives birth while he's chatting w/you
7. You are adopted
8. You exercise at a competitive level
9. You write poetry at a competitive level!!
10. You work outside the home and have family

Somewhere along the line, your A ends, and you land here, missing your AP.

1. You are now in IC
2. You haven't decided if you will confess
3. You are taking pills to help you sleep
4. You are having trouble keeping food down
5. You have not broken NC for 3 weeks now

I need help with your timeline...

How long ago was your H's A?
How long ago was the rape?
How long were you involved in your A?
How/why did the A end? Who ended it?
Do you work with your AP?

Sundance (former WW in a galaxy far, far away)

Broken4good posted 11/22/2019 18:46 PM

Hello Sundance,

Yes most of that is correct and its a bit strange to have it all lined up like that, I don't know if I should share less information on here. I wrote a poem and submitted it to a forum contest, I am definitely NOT a writer, I only did that as a way to express my emotions, and I am a triathlete so I am constantly training for that and have my next one coming up. My husband cheated on me a long time ago about 4-5 years and I threatened the RA right away. I did not actually have a RA until years later, although I'll be honest I didn't seek out my A for it to be a RA, I just sort of used that to justify it once it started. My AP and I were friends only and my Rape occurred 15 months ago... the affair started slowly after that I'd say 2-4 weeks.

I no longer work with my AP and our A ended because his wife found evidence of the A. My husbands affair could have last anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months, I am not actually sure and have long ago given up knowing all the details. I just started IC, only one session so far and at this point I do not see myself telling my spouse but am going to talk it through with my therapist to determine the best course of action.

Broken4good posted 11/22/2019 18:53 PM

Thank you hikingout I agree with you, I do think it is worth looking at all the reasons why I don't think it is a good idea. I definitely do not what the immediate trauma it will cause, but even moreso I just don't see what good it can do. At the very least I want to try to get to the bottom of my why's so I can work on fixing them and then make my decision.

I will keep posting for sure, some days I feel so far a long in my healing then others I feel back to square one. I will say immediately when it happened all I wanted was to rewind back to what my AP and I had. If given the choice today all I want is to fast forward through this aching and get a hold of my life somehow. I don't even know if it's possible but I know I can try.

sundance posted 11/22/2019 19:20 PM

I hope your therapist helps you deal with your assault and rape. Because of my own history, I find that part of your story particularly painful.

Good luck with your upcoming race! Training has always been a god-send for me, and helped keep me focused during those early NC days.

Zugzwang posted 11/23/2019 15:30 PM

I doubt there are many WS that confess out of guilt or to ease/burden our souls.

We confess because we know it is the right thing to do. To let others make informed decisions about their lives. To know who they are married to. To have honesty and integrity to build intimacy off of in the marriage. A marriage isn't lies. Avoidance is. Easy way outs are.

You aren't confessing because you didn't heal. You aren't healing because your husband's affair was never worked through. Unanswered questions. Blameshifting? Justifications?

To be honest even myself looking back, I wish I never knew or found out what he did, all it did was rip me apart and lead me down this spiral of misery. I don't see at all how me finding out what he did in a moment of weakness helped either of us be better or get stronger.
You had an affair as a way to cope. Having an affair is never a moment of weakness like a mistake. Especially a long term one. It is a choice. It is the cherry on top of our dysfunctional character. You can't claim moment of weakness. You chose to inflict pain on a woman while pregnant and having her child knowing full well how infidelity rips you apart years after your husband's affair. Having the ability to do that to another speaks of your character. Him knowing you would have a RA speaks of your character and coping skills. So, no. It isn't a moment of weakness. It was an opportunity that you took with a friend that had been most likely an EA for some time. Not a moment of weakness. Not everyone heals the same and you are basing your decision to not tell off of your own opinions of your lack of healing. From a selfish perspective. Did he specifically say he wouldn't want to know? Ask him. "Hubby, would you want to know if someone cheated on you?"

He also made it clear he didn't want to know the details and several times I gave him opportunities to look in my phone and he hasn't ever taken them.
There is a big difference in not knowing the details and not knowing it happened at all. He doesn't look in your phone because he has probably healed enough to know he isn't responsible for you or he isn't in charge of your happiness or conscience.

not just soulmates, but even Twin Flames!
People don't hide their soulmates or twin flames if you are the sort to believe such things even exist like some bullshit romance novel. There are 7.7 billion people out there and to think there is just that one special snowflake out of all those people isn't logical. You don't hide what you are proud of. So, it makes no sense there was anything special there. It is just us deciding to hold onto something to justify that it was all worth it. To refuse to see that we were not indeed special. Better to see that being special to the type of person that cheats isn't something to be proud of. To accept who we were and to choose to become someone better and worth not being hidden like some fucked up addiction.

Lostgirl410 posted 11/30/2019 22:29 PM

Broken4good,

How are you doing? Any update with your struggle?

Broken4good posted 12/3/2019 11:51 AM

Hello Lostgirl, I have been wanting to post an update on here but am scared of the comments. My NC was broken last week, not by me...he called from a new number and I wasn't expecting it so I answered. He was crying and saying how he couldn't do this and how he just missed us so much. We talked for a bit, he hinted at us leaving our spouses and being a real thing, but I stopped the subject quickly. I told him to work on his family and allow me to do the same. It is so hard because hearing his voice brought me back to what felt like square one. I felt proud of myself because I did not cave how I feared I might, but I definitely hate that I feel like I took 5 steps back. I know he is struggling, but I can't talk to him and support him like a friend after what we had and I don't believe him and I can ever be friends even if he promises he will take that if that's all I can offer him. What is the best way to stress the NC rule?

NC break aside, it's been just about 5 weeks and while I am still sad at moments I am starting to find pleasures in things again. My kids, movies, doing things with friends etc. I did really well in my race this past weekend and it felt great. I did feel down when I got home and couldn't tell him, but I finally see myself getting over this all one day. I took a lot of advice on here and am occupying myself and working on bettering myself wherever I can. I am taking some classes to benefit my career (although my study time is the time I seem to get the saddest, I guess b/c it is quiet and lonely) and I am reading a few self help books you all have suggested. My H and I have been talking again and it is strange how with my AP no longer in my life I almost see my H differently, in a positive way. I am nowhere near through it and I fear still in the very beginning, but where I used to feel like I couldn't do this I know I can and I guess that's a step in the right direction.

hikingout posted 12/3/2019 13:23 PM

We talked for a bit, he hinted at us leaving our spouses and being a real thing, but I stopped the subject quickly. I told him to work on his family and allow me to do the same. It is so hard because hearing his voice brought me back to what felt like square one. I felt proud of myself because I did not cave how I feared I might, but I definitely hate that I feel like I took 5 steps back.

Okay, so NC was broken, but good for you for still putting up the boundary. Yes, it's definitely a set back. But, you must prepare yourself for the next time he reaches out. Block all the methods of communication. If he calls from a different number do not engage. You need to hang up. You have already told him why and he needs to respect it.

My H and I have been talking again and it is strange how with my AP no longer in my life I almost see my H differently, in a positive way. I am nowhere near through it and I fear still in the very beginning, but where I used to feel like I couldn't do this I know I can and I guess that's a step in the right direction.

It IS a step in the right direction. How is IC going?

Jorge posted 12/3/2019 13:58 PM

Nice job broken4good. Your heart hurts, but your head is stronger. Took much strength to do what you did. You may have more than what you know.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:59 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Lostgirl410 posted 12/3/2019 14:19 PM

It was definitely a step in the right direction.

What is the best way to stress the NC rule?

Outwardly:

"I have asked you not to contact me, and I meant it. I love my husband, and I am choosing my family. Do not disrespect me by calling again, or I will report harassment."

Inwardly:

Keep in mind he really has disrespected you. If he respected you, he wouldn't call you and talk about leaving his spouse...he would leave his spouse, heal, and then contact you. Actually, no. If he really respected you, then he would respect your marriage enough to never contact you again.

MrsWalloped posted 12/3/2019 14:48 PM

What is the best way to stress the NC rule?

Honestly? By telling your husband.

I know, I know. But whatís to stop him from contacting you again? Because you asked? In his brain that just means he has to work harder at convincing you that you guys can be together and leave your spouses, or just be friends (which of course to him means starting up again, itíll just take a little more effort). Know what happens if you tell your husband? You donít have those long talks anymore with your AP. You donít worry about supporting him and being there for him because heís struggling.

Hereís what my husband did after he found out about my affair.
- Had me change my email address
- New phone number (twice because he got the second new number)
- Sent him a stop letter (like a restraining order) from his attorney
- Exposed his affair with me to his wife
- Told me if I broke NC again he was going to divorce me, no questions asked
- Monitored my email and phone

Sometimes we need someone to save us from ourselves. Your husband can do that for you.

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