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Her Birthday

SumofOne posted 11/12/2019 11:19 AM

WW has a birthday, I am trying to do it right. It's not an easy thing since for mine I got jack and shit, unless you want to count her talking to her POSOM as a gift. It was the gift that just kept on giving though.

Wintergarden posted 11/12/2019 12:18 PM

Birthdays are tough but it is just another date. What do you want to do? I think we are allowed to find the first one after Dday hard and we probably can do no right nor wrong. So make it simple do something that you can deal with or do nothing.

hansvoleman posted 11/12/2019 12:27 PM

It's not an easy thing since for mine I got jack and shit, unless you want to count her talking to her POSOM as a gift. It was the gift that just kept on giving though.

Would it be wrong of me to suggest you return the courtesy. Rather than talk to the POSOM you could book an exotic dancer to perform in your living room while she's trying to eat her evening meal.

Wintergarden posted 11/12/2019 12:34 PM

Hans you have given me my first laugh of the day!!

Oldwounds posted 11/12/2019 12:35 PM

I wasn't certain for a while how things would turn out, but I stayed civil when it came to holidays and birthdays.

I didn't do anything big the first year, or the second for that matter. But those little things did help the rebuild for our R down the road. My wife never expected anything because of her actions, so even just a card and a cake were a huge 'surprise' for her.

Ultimately, you have to go with what feels right for you and the situation.

Don't force it if you're not wanting to go out of your way.

SumofOne posted 11/12/2019 12:50 PM

If things were ugly I would be tempted to send her a cake with her picture on it, and say something like, Make sure everyone gets a piece again.

I am not going over the top. It's tough, one of the things I full well know I was guilty of, was neglecting her and not making her feel special. So a part of you wants to work on that, but you also feel like you are validating the cheating in a way when the cheating is pretty fresh and unresolved.

Butforthegrace posted 11/12/2019 13:44 PM

A nice framed photo of the AP?

numb&dumb posted 11/12/2019 14:06 PM

You should do whatever you want and what feels right to you. Stop belaboring the point and go with your gut. No deceptions or games. Just do what you want and what feels right to you.

The more and more the years passed it became easier for me. Somewhere along the way I did not go over the top, but I did nice things for her on her birthday. No, she did not deserve most of those things.

I did them because I wanted to remind myself that I am a guy that does things like that. I did not want to give my W anymore power over me. She did not have the right to change me into a bitter person who can't do nice things for others. I did it because I wanted to. Not because of what I thought I should or should not do. Too much worrying about the way things would be received robbed me of being authentic to myself. If she did not appreciate it then that tells me a lot about her and whether I want to continue in a M with that person.

As an aside . . .The times I did those nice things for her were much harder on her than me doing nothing. She expected nothing. If I did something she knew that she did not "deserve," it. She felt even worse about hurting someone that kind and thoughtful. There is more than one way to make a point here. Go with what feels right to you.


SumofOne posted 11/12/2019 14:19 PM


I have actually already done several fairly nice things. Nothing grand, but thoughtful things. I figured if I mentioned them it would be said I was doing the "pick me dance".

What you said has been exactly my thought process. Sure I like to joke, but I want to be a kind and thoughtful person. I am not sure I have been that at times in my life, so the nice things I am doing, I do as much for me as I do for her. I also want my kids to see how a man is supposed to love their wife.

hikingout posted 11/12/2019 14:31 PM

I am the WS I hope it's okay to respond.

I have a couple of different thoughts. One, I am with Numb&Dumb, I was acutely aware I didn't deserve much of anything kind my husband offered up after DDay. I am still acutely aware, 2 years later. I don't think I will lose that feeling any time soon. When he was angry, that was what I felt I deserved and it actually didn't get to me as often as his grace did. I said the other day somewhere that for our marriage to become even really wasn't about him going down to my level but me coming up to his.

That being said, these are awfully early days. She did not have an affair because you didn't make her feel special. That may very well be a Pre-Affair issue that is true, but it was not the reason she had the affair. There is a period of time I don't think it's appropriate to work on pre-A issues. If the BS wants R, they should wait until the WS can show they are R worthy. This means everything from determining their whys, to demonstrating true remorse. Only then can you really rebuild a marriage. So, I actually think do what you feel like doing, nothing more and nothing less. It's not a punishment to her, it's a consequence of what she has inspired you to give from your heart.

My birthday is about 6 months past DDAY, but we had Christmas right before. Christmas, if I recall, we decided to give each other a trip that we could go on to a marriage workshop and to have some time to spend together. We don't have kids at home, and this was easily affordable to us, so it wasn't a grand gesture of any means. I gave him some concert tickets and other things that year. I was just happy he wanted to go on the marriage retreat. For my birthday, he didn't get me anything, we were actually then on that trip. We did have a nice dinner together. I didn't feel anything but thankful he was sitting across from me in that restaurant and that we were able to have a pleasant evening and a break from the roller coaster.

Holidays have progressively gotten back to normal, but I wrote this out because I think that you should not put any pressure on yourself. For one, she really should have low to zero expectations.

I am also with old wounds some of those smaller gestures were there enough for rebuilding to take place, but they should just be congruent with where you are. This early in I think you should just be where you are and not worry about it.

ETA: We cross posted, but what you said about wanting to have the kids see how a man should love his wife really got me. Do whatever you think is right.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:35 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Marie2792 posted 11/12/2019 14:53 PM

How about getting tickets for some event that you both can enjoy? Lots of shows and concerts around this time of year. If youíre trying to reconcile it could turn out to be a nice date night. Focus isnít on her but rather you as the couple.

Or if you have children, a group outing. Nice card signed by you (and perhaps the kids) maybe a homemade beeakfast.

SumofOne posted 11/12/2019 15:15 PM

Ironically, one thing I did was I got her a new phone. Most of what she did was sexting. Her phone is a trigger for me at times. I want to smash it into a thousand pieces. I think it would be fairly cathartic. So in a way it is much a gift for me as it is for her.

I think a simple family diner and a card from me and the kids is what I will do with other than that.

As other have said, kindness gets her way more than me crashing down on her. It's difficult because the area she bothers me a lot on is remorse. I barely see it if I try and force it out of her, but if I do a few nice things, she tends to always go there. Certainly not a strong point for me is to be nice when I feel the ball is completely in her court, yet finessing the situation is definitely the better path for her.

hikingout posted 11/12/2019 15:23 PM

I don't think I was in full on remorse until maybe month 9 or 10. Hopefully she is in IC and is working on herself. That's why I so strongly encouraged you to just be where you are and feel no pressure about it. If she is starting to get it, she will appreciate the smallest of gestures. I can remember being excited for three days that my H woke up in the middle of the night and covered me back up because it was cold. Honestly, if you really know how badly you fucked up the smallest things you wouldn't have thought that much about come to the forefront. If she is any other way, it's still coming from entitlement and she will need to work on that obviously.

OrdinaryDude posted 11/13/2019 08:43 AM

I donít make a big deal about WWís b-day.

Our anniversary is also not high on my list, I let her make the effort to celebrate and thank her for doing so.

numb&dumb posted 11/13/2019 10:57 AM

I do as much for me as I do for her. I also want my kids to see how a man is supposed to love their wife.

Acting in line with your values is never wrong. Sure she might not be as receptive as you'd like, but that says more about her than you.

I think with the birthday card the situation will come up vis-a-vis remorse and open a dialogue. Don't do it the day of her Birthday, but bring it up some days later.

Sometimes you have to ask for what you need. It doesn't lessen the impact at all. It doesn't hurt to point out that you've been taken for granted and you won't tolerate that any longer. It clearly hurt you that she ignored your birthday. Communicate in a non-confrontational way how that made you feel. Reiterate that you have to review how your relationship benefits you if she can't be bothered to make your birthday special. You know you deserve that despite what else is going on. Which is why you acknowledged hers. Because that is the kind of guy you want to be. If she stonewalls, gets defensive, or tries to change the topic let it go for a few more days then bring it up again.

Your W has had a life of living the "wrong" way. She needs examples to see what the "right" way is.

One thing:

Certainly not a strong point for me is to be nice when I feel the ball is completely in her court

The ball is firmly in your court in this and most situations. That might not mean that your M survives, but it helps to remember that you do hold most of the cards right now. If she doesn't value the chance you've given her, again that is on her and you need to begin to remove yourself from her dysfunction. Is she worth taking that risk? Maybe she needs to show you why.

LLXC posted 11/13/2019 11:16 AM

I am trying to do it right. It's not an easy thing since for mine I got jack and shit

So..why are you trying to do it right?

If it were me, I'd feel.super resentful. For me, in 5 years I'd feel stupid, even if the marriage was going great.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/13/2019 11:28 AM

WS here

I think it's extremely nice that you want to do something for your WW, especially to show your kids. What about just going out to eat and/or a movie? You can talk during the meal, and then you can have a little break during the movie. Hopefully, she will be grateful for anything you do or give her for her birthday. Just some time together should be enough.

Incarnate posted 11/13/2019 11:38 AM

My STBXW is getting positively fuckall for Christmas or her birthday. Not a goddamn thing. She had gotten me nothing for my birthday for years. Christmas was always little trinkets when I would do my best to get her something thoughtful.

If she wants presents, she should have her OM and OW mail them to her. The only thing I would get her would be an embossed, glossy, ornate photo album of the pictures they took of her while she was in the act of making their affair physical. She's so proud of what she did, she should be able to put it on display.

SumofOne posted 11/14/2019 09:56 AM

Some of the replies

It was a pretty decent day overall. I didn't try to make it special but I tried to let her enjoy the day.

Funny, but we went to go workout like we do most days. About 1/2 way through our workout the OM walks in. It had been a while since I had seen him but I know it is always possible at the gym. Anyway, we finished our workout. We both knew he was there but tried to act normal as possible. At some point my WW grabbed me and kissed me and said, I am so sorry, she held me close for a bit and we left.

It does me good to see him once in a while. I look at him and see a lesser man. It helps me.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/15/2019 06:20 AM


Posters. Definitely posters

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