Leaving your abuser, is one of the bravest things you will ever do.
Thank you HellFire. I hope I am brave enough to follow through.
He called me a little while ago from a number I didn't know (blocked now). When I repeated, "You're my friend," he said, "and your mate too? We are mates until you divorce me or whatever," and I told him again that I need to be alone to deal with my health issues, that I can't handle being in a relationship. He's not accepting that I'm done. This is what I was worried about. Not surprised, but it's still disconcerting. Either way, I blocked that number too, so the continued NC will hopefully help get the message across better than my words can.
As someone that has been abused for a long time you are going to question your actions, and your sanity.
^ This, all the time. I don't know how to find stability and mental rest. I don't know how to settle the pain and breathe freely again. My physical health is acting up again, which feeds into my doubts about my sanity, and it's a vicious cycle. A couple of weeks ago I was writing in my journal about "intermittent rewards" and the way they are used in an abusive relationship to help trap the one being abused. I'm reminding myself that even if he sounded nice just now, he'd go back to abusing me if I talk to him again. And I'll be left blaming myself and wondering how I ruined our good time together. That's how it goes, again and again.
I don't know how to find my sanity. I just want to feel safe. I really, really want a hug, to be held for a long time, and to have someone I can feel safe around, someone who would be kind and understanding and would be OK with my feelings pouring out (I can't cry anymore, and I think it's because I'm not in a safe place to be able to cry) but I don't have anyone like that. Instead, I'm telling myself to stop acting like a victim. I hear that in my dad's voice. Don't draw anyone else into my drama.
I'm so proud of you for taking this step! It's hard but I promise, the life you gain will be worth it.
Thank you ((((wildbananas)))). How are you and the bunch?
After a long time of drowning in the abuse from my XH, I started to question reality and think maybe I deserved it or something.
I have that same problem, EggplantGalore: too much time in the presence of their abuse, and they warp our brain chemistries, our senses of reality. They gaslight us and tear us down bit by bit. I also felt (and still feel) that I deserved the abuse. In time, did that feeling fade for you? Were you able to challenge it and feel differently - that you did not ever deserve the abuse?
My kids also went to the DV support group for kids.
I had no idea they had DV support groups for kids! That is so awesome!!! Thank you - I will definitely check to see if I can find something like this for my son. I'm glad there are places that remember that kids need to heal from the abuse, that they need tools and support, that whether they were direct victims or indirect victims, they were abused too.
Thank you everyone. I'll be back to write more in a bit. Thank you for your kindness, support, good ideas, and great questions, helping me consider the whole picture.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:14 PM, November 15th (Friday)]