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I left him

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StillLivin posted 11/15/2019 18:02 PM

I grew up with extreme abuse as a child. I left home at 16. I married a man who never put his hands on me for 23 years, until he did. I got to one of my weapons, chambered a round, and I would have put 3 rounds through his chest without hesitation if he'd taken even one more step in my direction. I'd always told my husband if he or any man ever again put his hands on me it wouldn't be the police he had to worry about it and I meant every word of that. To this day, I've never felt guilty or regretted protecting myself. I truly cannot fathom feeling "guilt" for protecting myself or putting myself first. And if i'd had to kill him, so be it. I would gave been sad that HE made choices that led to me having to protect myself, but guilt. Nope. You need to find a way to love yourself enough to not feel an ounce of guilt for putting yours and your child's safety first.
Let me pose this scenario. If a complete stranger, somebody who owes you nothing, broke into your home and assaulted you the way your WS has, would you feel guilty for doing what you needed to ensure your safety? No? Well your WS is a monster for doing worse to you. Do not waste any emotion feeling regret or guilt. Your WS is supposed to protect you, not do worse to you than what a complete stranger wouldn't do to you. He's the only one that should feel guilt and shame.

wildbananas posted 11/15/2019 23:49 PM

silver, we're okay! Can you believe my youngest is almost 17!

I just wanted to say don't ever doubt yourself as a mother. Remember, I've seen you with your boy and the love you have for him is so apparent. You're great with him! ❤

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/16/2019 20:13 PM

I like your and Adlham's suggestion of asking for an officer to be present. I don't know who to talk to about it, but I might try to ask my

I meant to suggest this before, but forgot. You can absolutely do this. My son had an a police officer present when his cheating wife came to get her shit and there was never any DV. My son requested so he would have an unbiased witness so that his wife couldn't claim he did something. Just call the police station and ask.

Adlham posted 11/16/2019 23:22 PM

Today, in San Diego, a family of 5 was found shot in a DV-related murder-suicide.

At least 4 are dead. 1 child is in critical condition, last I checked.

The wife had filed an RO yesterday.

It had not yet been served.

Whenever I feel ANY smidgen of feeling sorry for my ex, I think of stories like the above and how close I came to being one of those stories and then I think

He can go fuck himself right the hell off.

That's what got me through. I was not going to be another fucking statistic.

Edit to update: all 3 children have died. There are no survivors.

[This message edited by Adlham at 3:25 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

EggplantGalore posted 11/17/2019 20:40 PM

I will never forget the list of abusive behaviors on the wall behind our DV intake specialist. My Ex had at one time done each one of them.

The best book to read on the abuse is Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" as well as a book he has written for kids. It was eye-opening for my kids to read, as they didn't realize the invasive smaller behaviors that their dad was doing to them after we separated.

In time, did that feeling fade for you? Were you able to challenge it and feel differently - that you did not ever deserve the abuse?

Yes, it has faded with lot of therapy for me and my kids. We saw DV recovery specialists as well. We are in family therapy now, without my Ex because he isn't my my family. Our therapist remarked that my Ex is not just NPD, but a sociopath because she knew him well.

Remember, this is one step at a time. Yes, you can request a civil standby from a police officer. Have your local Police department's non-emergency dispatch line in your phone to request a civil standby when needed.

Once you have your stuff and your kids' stuff, you leave. Or he gets his stuff and leaves. Get a court-order to change the locks on your home, or have exclusive use of the marital residence determined in your favor, and then install a home-security system. Don't have him anywhere near you without recording the interactions.

Please get a protective order, not just a restraining order, if this option is available in your area. (A restraining order didn't keep me safe from the constant stalking.) Have a safety plan for open areas (like parking lots or stores) and teach your little one to be alert and to pay attention to their surroundings. Read up about hypervigilance and take extra time for your and your little one to decompress so that you can heal as you move forward.

silverhopes posted 11/18/2019 00:04 AM

Everyone - cocoplus5nuts, Walloped, BraveSirRobin, nekonamida (if you don't mind my asking, does your name mean cat tears?), hikingout, StillLivin, and everyone who wrote me before - thank you all for your responses and supportive wishes. I'm sorry for not responding to everyone individually right now. There's some stuff going on. Bottom line is, I've sent a message to my caseworker asking her how I can get a divorce. I'll write more later, I'm just feeling extremely overwhelmed right now.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:06 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

CatsNTats posted 11/18/2019 00:12 AM

he's accused me of leaving him for someone else and keeps accusing me of being unfaithful to him. I wanted to reassure him that there is none of that going on. Which is completely true

I experienced this. And much more. And now he's dead. If I had stayed, I probably would be too.

I had guilt about leaving in August. I have guilt about it now that he proceeded to take his life because of it. I know this feeling. It sucks. The grief and the guilt are awful.

But you have to stay away from him. Do not go back out of guilt. Just don't. This kind of abuse just escalates - and it did very quickly this Summer. He was walking around with a loaded .45 by him at all times. Do NOT go back. Put that guilt in a container and find a safe place. And therapy.

nekonamida posted 11/18/2019 05:41 AM

(if you don't mind my asking, does your name mean cat tears?)

Yeah, it does. Good catch.

It's great that you have a caseworker. They can help you navigate this mess. God luck. Stay safe. Check in often when you can just to say that you're okay. You're not alone in this fight.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 16:16 PM

Hang tough, silver! KUP when you can.

The1stWife posted 11/18/2019 16:46 PM

Silver. I hope things continue in a positive way.

My post about undoing the damage your child witnessed was not meant to Shane or say you were a bad parent. I would never imply that. I was trying to use your leaving the CH as an way to motivate you by referencing that by leaving - your child won’t have to witness any more DV incidents. Trying to give you something to focus on that was a positive.

Sorry it came across negatively. Not my intent.

pureheartkit posted 11/18/2019 19:46 PM

Silver, we're all with you.

You are strong enough now. You are doing it.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay Silver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's scary and uncertain yes, but now you are off on your magnificent journey. Don't doubt yourself. You are going to be fine. There's so much ahead for you. This is just the start. The sad days are done. You never have to live in that kind of pain again. I'm proud of you. Beautiful beautiful day when Silver chose her own path to happiness.

silverhopes posted 11/18/2019 23:25 PM

You weren't negative, 1stWife! I'm sorry - it wasn't anything you said, it was my own feelings of guilt talking. I've always felt like I'm not a good enough mom, and with everything that's happened, it's too easy for me to feel like that at any given moment. You didn't say anything to make me feel you were judging me. I was judging myself. Never quite got the CPS's voice out of my head - long story there, but something hasn't been quite right inside since I met with them on New Year's Day 2017.

CatsNTats, nekonamida, cocoplus5nuts, The1stWife, pureheartkit... Thank you! Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. He's trying to manipulate me right now, and I am deeply stressed out over what he's doing. But I'm not backing down. I will figure out how to file for divorce. He will receive those papers. He doesn't respect my boundaries, and it's a bad sign, no matter how charming he tries to be. Charm does NOT negate red flags! In fact, it's even more alarming... maybe he really means what he's saying, but he's also using his charm to try to cover the boundaries he's violating.

He will be OK, he'll survive. And I will be free to take better care of myself, when we divorce.

EggplantGalore posted 11/19/2019 06:12 AM

It sounds like your H is both abusive and a narcissist, which is a bad combination because it is all about them and all about how they can control everyone else.

Read up on "Grey Rock" and how to deploy it. Don't feed into his need for attention. To increase your ability to see/hear positive things, be around others during the day - volunteer or visit your family for support.

Until you leave (or he leaves), the hardest thing is the gaslighting and lies. Find a way to document those things so that you can let them go emotionally while you prepare to separate. Make your plan so that you can have something to look for.

You and your little one are worth it and you should have safety and a life free from abuse. My kids and I are alive today. Had I stayed, it would be a different story. Please don't delay in getting away from your abuser. You and your little one are important. You deserve to not have to worry about when the next time he is going to hit you or threaten you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/19/2019 06:27 AM

Charm does NOT negate red flags! In fact, it's even more alarming... maybe he really means what he's saying, but he's also using his charm to try to cover the boundaries he's violating.


Exactly! Don't trust the charm.

silverhopes posted 11/19/2019 16:31 PM

I had told my caseworker, who told his caseworker, that he might have a set of keys to our place. I'd been told she would retrieve it from him when he was released. They didn't tell me when he was released and still haven't contacted me; Mr Silver himself made me aware of that. And yes, he did have a set of keys; the police had asked him to surrender them and his caseworker had said that they weren't allowed to look through his possessions. So he denied he had them and lied to them.

I did something highly questionable that I think might have resolve that particular situation. When he pushed his presence on me, I assessed that he wasn't violent right then and tried to think of a way to resolve the situation without escalating it (the police have had a pretty poor rate of actually arresting him when I call for help, and it usually makes him angrier and scarier when I call them). So I stole his keys. I tricked him into giving them to me to use them to cut something open, then I just hid them away and distracted him until he forgot to ask for them back. Now he won't be able to surprise me at home again. He won't be able to come in. And I've blocked him on my phone. So next time he comes here, he won't be able to get in the gate, and we'll be able to call the police without any of us being in immediate physical danger of him.

I'll be telling my caseworker what happened at our next appointment this week.

Thank you everyone. I'm scared as hell right now.

36yearsgone posted 11/19/2019 16:40 PM

Please stay safe.

silverhopes posted 11/19/2019 16:47 PM

I also have to apologize if I'm rambling at all. Since learning that he got out of jail, my symptoms have been a lot worse, and I don't quite have control over them yet. I've been having triggers (though one good thing did come of this - my caseworker finally understood that my physical hallucinations are a symptom of PTSD, and she's realized that I'm going to have to go to a different program to get help with it) and I'm not sure what exactly an anxiety attack feels like since I've never been diagnosed, but I'd swear I've been having them. Now that I've taken back his keys, hopefully I will be able to sleep at night.

silverhopes posted 11/19/2019 17:09 PM

I'll try my best, 36yearsgone! Here's hoping...

EggplantGalore posted 11/19/2019 18:45 PM

It sounds like he is escalating. Regardless of if you think that is the only set of keys he had, I would recommend that you change the locks anyway. You don't know for sure if he made a copy (or several like my Ex). Do a perimeter search whenever you leave or return home. Check your windows when you return home to see if any have been broken into, or if they are ajar.

If your neighbors know him, let them know what is going on. If they do not know him, it is time to give them a photo so that they can call the police if they see him in the neighborhood.

Adlham posted 11/19/2019 20:13 PM

Completely agree with everything Eggplant said.

But also, I want to forward you that despite it not being your fault, it will feel absolutely humiliating and surreal to have to provide photos of your ex with instructions to call 911 if seen.

I worked at a grade school when I had to do all of that. And I FELT bound by honor to notify my place of work. I worked with kids. How could I not?

Just know that you are not alone.

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