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I left him

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silverhopes posted 11/20/2019 17:16 PM

I will change the locks as soon as I can save the money. The good new is, taking the keys back seems to have deterred him for now.

His parole officer called me. He's not in his program, so there's a bench warrant out for his arrest. I thanked his officer for calling me, since no one has contacted me in the last couple of years, and the officer left his contact info. He said something about me being included in his treatment plan, not remembering his exact wording, but I'm hoping it means I'll be kept in the loop from now on.

He tried to come by a little while ago and rang the doorbell. I checked carefully so he couldn't see me, but I caught a glimpse of his hair and clothes. I didn't answer the door or give any indication that I was here, just called the police right away. The police showed very quickly, but he was already gone. They're taking a look around right now, but I doubt they'll catch him this time. But I did my job, and I got confirmation that he can't get in right now.

I feel both safer and shittier. I'm still married to him (until I can get the papers) and he thinks I'm supposed to have his back, take care of him, love him unconditionally. The nurturer part of me wants to do that and I feel very guilty that I'm not doing that. He's supposed to be in his program getting help! Doesn't he see he keeps putting me in this situation where I can't help him?! I'm guessing he thinks it's romantic to go against the law, and that if I really loved him, I would engage in this. But he doesn't get it. This is threatening everyone's well-being, especially our son's! This is risking our son staying at home, safe with me, if he tries to make me break NC and the courts and CPS find out. I put NO ONE above my son. So I'll do the right thing. Doesn't stop it from hurting like hell that I feel like I'm betraying my husband. He tried to make me feel guilty for deciding to divorce him. He's manipulating me again, isn't he?

He's blocked on my phone and doesn't have keys anymore. Here's hoping NC lasts this time... I wish he'd choose to get stable and get healthy. He's not well.

silverhopes posted 11/20/2019 18:40 PM

...And, my godmother just made an unwise choice. I told her earlier what I'd heard from the parole officer, and that if Mr Silver came back, then we were to call the police and not engage with him.

So he came back just now. Rang the doorbell. She answered the door, yelled at him for a bit about how he had to go away and that she wasn't going to call the police this time but he needed to get things taken care of, and then slammed the door on him.

I have this very unpleasant feeling that things have just escalated. Good thing we have a slide bolt lock and a chain on the door.

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 18:44 PM

What?!? Why did she answer?

Adlham posted 11/20/2019 18:48 PM

Silver, is there anywhere else you can stay for a bit?

Every time he violates that order, call the police. Go to the station and file a complaint, if you have to.

I'm extremely worried for you.

Also, unconditional love is something I reserve for my children. Maybe my parents, but the jury is still out on that.

I do NOT love my husband unconditionally. If he ever strikes ne, that's it. If he cheats, he's gone. I spent way too much time putting myself back together to throw it all away again.

I love him dearly, but I have been down that particular road twice in the past already. Never, ever again.

silverhopes posted 11/20/2019 18:55 PM

I just figured it out. Thought at first it's because she has bad boundaries, but it's because she doesn't like calling the police to our home. The last time he was here being abusive, I said we needed to call the police, and she said no, she didn't want them here. I had to get us both out of the home - I took him in a taxi to his payee where he gets his money every week and on the way sent her a text with the address we were going to and told her to have the police go there. That was how they caught him last time.

So I'm going to have to sit here during the day like a sitting duck and call when he shows up until they catch him. He's extremely good at avoiding the police. Each time he's been remanded into custody has been because we called the police - either he was around here (though he usually would get away before the police showed), or he was actively abusing me.

silverhopes posted 11/20/2019 18:58 PM

I might be looking if we can stay elsewhere. It's unlikely, but I'm going to be looking. Each time I've tried to go to a shelter, they've been full, closed, or not called back at all. I have some friends a couple of cities over, but I'm not sure they have the space.

Adlham posted 11/20/2019 19:12 PM

I know how that goes.

Sometimes, I would take my kid and sleep in the basement because it would make it harder for him to shoot me through a window.

Hopefully he stops terrorizing you soon. Sending you positive energy.

pureheartkit posted 11/20/2019 20:14 PM

Sweet Silver,

No one should have to endure this. Our local habitat for humanity store has good new locks very reasonably priced. Black Friday is a good time to look as well.

May you find some light in each day to sustain you. Believe in a happy future and may he give up on coming where you are and go seek a more positive life for himself. You are passing through this, going to better days. It's scary now but it won't be your situation much longer.

I'm sorry you have to hide. Hope the police can help put an end to it soon.

EggplantGalore posted 11/21/2019 17:12 PM

Home Improvement stores (like Lowes or Home Depot) will re-key your doorknob for about $5 each. You would have to remove it from the door and take it there with your existing key.

I had a relative stay at my house while I re-keyed every door knob and then brought the new door knobs back. After the new door locks were in, the next morning my Ex bashed in one of the door locks, but because it was a Schlage the locking mechanism imploded in the handle without opening the door. (Other brands would have allowed the door to open.) I also have both deadbolts and locking doorknobs.

I would suggest that you buy a locking doorknob at a discount store and change it out before you leave the house with your existing door knob. Your local shelter may be able to get you a discount on some replacement door knobs, or they may be able to suggest some locksmiths that will give you a discount because of your circumstances.

Your Ex stopping by is extremely concerning. All of your family members need to follow the same rules - (1) do not respond or open the door to him, and (2) call the police every time he shows up. They can take a photo of him on the property with their phones or cameras that has the date/time stamp on it if needed. But I am worried if he knows he gets a reaction, he won't stop coming over.

Hugs for you. You can do this one day at a time.

3kids30years posted 11/21/2019 18:09 PM

Silver - your PM's are full. I'd like to send you a PM :)

silverhopes posted 11/30/2019 12:58 PM

Hi my friends. Thank you for your kindness.

30years3kids, I cleared some space! Send away!

So yesterday, Mr Silver wanted to meet me at a nearby coffee shop. My godmother called the police. He was remanded into custody. There have been a bunch of people from the system calling me lately - instead of feeling out of the loop, I was feeling stressed and pressured instead, which is still a necessary change. One who I appreciate is a police officer with experience in medicine with mentally ill patients. I called her yesterday while he was being arrested and she said she would get the ball rolling on his medical stuff right away. They might be sending him to a locked facility to treat his mental illness, instead of back to jail. I think that would probably be the healthiest option for everyone.

Feeling sad, guilty, overwhelmed, and unfortunately no relief. But maybe that's part of the storm. I'm going to take care of myself and Lil Silver, move slow, take as much time to myself as possible. I'm going to try to stay away from being overcommitted during the holiday season, and try to minimize contact with toxic people in my life (which will be hard, since so many of them are in my family). I'm going to mourn what I thought I had with Mr Silver, and I'm going to read Lundy Bancroft's books over and over again until I can let go of the misplaced guilt. I will find a way through this pain.

I might be back to ask for help or if/when I'm struggling.

Thank you everyone.

Cooley2here posted 11/30/2019 15:29 PM

Silver keep bags packed with extra clothing and all necessary papers. Make friends with cops, courthouse, jail, parole officers and anyone involved in his life so someone will alert you when he is released. Get your kid, your bags and leave. Right now you need to contact local cops to find out which shelters are available. He is too unstable for you to wait him out. Just leave ASAP.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 16:48 PM

Thanks for the update. I'm glad he's in custody.

Continue to take care of yourself and your boy.

Flnightmare posted 11/30/2019 17:20 PM

I am so very sorry.

[This message edited by Flnightmare at 5:20 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

silverhopes posted 12/2/2019 09:23 AM

Thank you guys. Those are good ideas about keeping an emergency bag and copies of papers - I'll make that my goal this week. I had one before but don't know what happened to it. I saw your suggestion about contacting police to get his belongings safely, Flnightmare - I think that's a great idea, and I'll probably contact his parole officer today to see if I should do that. I don't know where he was taken, whether he's in jail or in a locked facility. Hopefully his parole officer will have answers.

Why am I worrying about him? He has a mental illness, and I know his condition has gotten so much worse, and I'm worried about him feeling alone. I think he chose to be homeless rather than remain in his program because he wanted to see us again. My godmother kept saying how sad he looked. She pointed out on Saturday that it had started raining and then burst into tears and said she knew she did the right thing to call the police because now he's not outside homeless in the cold and the rain. Why do I feel so guilty?? I feel like a bad wife. He abused me, but I'm worried about him and feeling like I've abandoned him. What the fuck is wrong with me?!!!

MamaDragon posted 12/2/2019 09:49 AM

just because you want to divorce him does not mean you shut your feelings off towards him completely.

You would feel sorry for a homeless person in the same situation too - it just hurts more bc this was once someone very important to him.

Remember, someone has to reach the very rock bottom before they can help themselves. You can always walk a horse to a water trough but you cannot make them drink - even when you know you are crossing the dessert the next day.

You have to look out for yourself first and foremost, only when you are in a position of safety and security can you even begin to help someone else, especially when said person has mental issues.

Continue with NC, find out from the police where he is at - and if he gets out request additional drive by's from the police. Sometimes they will do additional surveillance. If not, try to get a home security system that has a panic button - )I can't afford one :( )

Hg65 posted 12/2/2019 09:51 AM

Silver , I tried to send PM but you are at capacity.

Let me just say this: put aside your feelings of guilt for now... and any other non-productive feelings. I am dealing with a situation where CPS got involved and their main question to mom is “why did you not act sooner?” If they aren’t satisfied with her plan for safe environment, the state (California);will step in and do it themselves.

Keep up restraining orders and allow sheriff to retrieve personal items when the time comes.

You are in survival mode.

Stay strong! 😘

silverhopes posted 12/2/2019 09:53 AM

I think I know part of why. The narrative has been pushed on me over and over again that he can't help himself, that he doesn't know any better because he's never had a family before and he spent years being abused in foster care, and because of his mental illness...

Even my old caseworker used to say that to me.

I feel guilt for not realizing that sooner, guilt for bringing him into my life when he was so delicate, like I did him wrong by drawing him close and then being unable to handle his issues.

But I try to remind myself, even though we argued a lot, I was handling his issues fine - up until he began threatening my life. Should I have known he "didn't mean it", even though he said it? That he was "just saying stuff"? No, I couldn't have known that. He was scaring me in many different ways. It wasn't just words.

And if he hadn't been arrested on Friday, he probably would have turned back to being openly abusive once again. We stopped the cycle early.

I need to remind myself of this: it was going to continue the way it has several times before. He would have escalated and gotten more abusive again. I stopped the cycle early - I wasn't the one who called, but I made his arrest possible.

More importantly, Lil Silver is safe.

silverhopes posted 12/2/2019 10:50 AM

You're right, MamaDragon: a person has to hit rock bottom on their own in order to fully change. I need to stay out of his way. I cannot save him from the consequences of his own choices. Hopefully by facing them, with his own network of professional support, he will find his way to being healthy. But I'm not helping him by being a crutch.

Thank you, Hg65. I will clear out some more PM space. Yep, I am all too familiar with that situation you described with CPS. I'm terrified of CPS. When this all escalated in 2016, the CPS got involved then too - the police automatically inform CPS if they've made an arrest while children were at home, I believe. The CPS worker would tell me how I had to keep Lil Silver safe, how I had to use the right decision-making and not give a reason to have him removed - and then she would tell Mr Silver how "fancy" he was and laugh at all his jokes and giggle with him over the phone (she came into our home once on the phone with him giggling, after he'd been taken out of the home one of those times. She ended the conversation with him warmly and then promptly switched to business with me). At first I was in shock - I couldn't believe that was happening, especially so blatantly. I felt a bit jealous, like I always have when he flirts with other women or vice versa (and he was definitely reciprocating her attentions and turning on the charm), but the funny thing was, I felt an even more overwhelming sense of, "Good luck, lady! You can have him. See how that works out for you." I mean, she's a CPS worker. I already knew nothing would be happening aside from them annoying me to death with their flirty attitudes towards each other. But for her to be putting so much responsibility on me for a situation HE created, and then acting like that with him?! Yeah. Later, someone said that maybe she was trying to set him at ease and build a good rapport with him. By saying, "You're fancy, Mr Silver!" and giggling at everything he said?

A different CPS worker later after a different incident asked if I had tried to get away or called the police (yes to both - that was EXACTLY what had happened during that particular incident, which centered around him standing over me and smashing a pair of huge headphones into my head after throwing stuff at my head from across the room). Then they told me that they hated to sound harsh but they didn't care about my well-being at all, that Mr Silver and I could be having a knife fight with blood everywhere and they wouldn't care, as long as my son wasn't present.

I get where they're coming from: Lil Silver can't protect himself. That's up to me. I have to be the responsible party for his safety. I will never argue otherwise. Period. They are right to put that responsibility on me.

I do have to say, though, that I loathe the CPS for not putting responsibility on Mr Silver. They have the power in this situation, though, so if they wanna flirt and fall all over Mr Silver and then tell me not to be a neglectful mother, then that's what goes. Each time, the cases were closed, because they found that I was a protective mother. I don't ever want to give them a reason to come around Lil Silver.

Hence another reason why I'm staying single for the rest of my life.

Carissima posted 12/2/2019 10:51 AM

You cannot be responsible for another person's decision making. Your WH may have had an appalling childhood but that does not excuse his abuse. Every time he abused you it was a choice he made, to blame it on his upbringing or mental health issues is an insult to those people who deal with these issues every day and are still kind, caring productive members of society!

When you feel guilt change it around to being proud of your strength, you did what you did to protect your son and that is something to be proud of!

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