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I left him

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Hg65 posted 12/2/2019 11:15 AM

Agree. I really hope they DO put the responsibility onto the *correct party* for mom in this situation, too. This could get very scary, very quickly.

You hang in there... sounds like you do have a good plan.

silverhopes posted 12/2/2019 19:08 PM

You cannot be responsible for another person's decision making. Your WH may have had an appalling childhood but that does not excuse his abuse. Every time he abused you it was a choice he made, to blame it on his upbringing or mental health issues is an insult to those people who deal with these issues every day and are still kind, caring productive members of society!

I agree with this. As someone who had and still in some ways has an abusive FOO as well as severe mental illness, I don't think this excuses me, EVER, from abusing another person. If anything, this should make me LESS likely to abuse, knowing the kind of pain it causes.

But I'm told I've been luckier than him. That I've had more support than he did, and he needs more support. But I want to hold him to these standards too. If I ever see him again, I want to be able to say, "That's no excuse." He doesn't need to repeat the cycle for Lil Silver. If he truly loves his son, he would grow to regret it.

He's been trying to call me all day. I have the jail number blocked on my phone, but the couple of times I answered the phone for other people (namely, my son's teacher, who reported my son was having a hard day today because he wanted to stay home with me), I could hear the dial indicator that someone else was trying to call me on another line. I know it was Mr Silver. Then my godmother got home and said he was trying to call on the house line. It hurts to worry about him, but he is a grown adult. He is struggling, but he has support within his reach. He needs to choose them.

When you feel guilt change it around to being proud of your strength, you did what you did to protect your son and that is something to be proud of!

Thank you Carissima. This thought, more than any other, keeps me going. I love my son more than anyone or anything in the entire world. His health, safety, and happiness is most important to me. He's having a better day now. I want him to always have better days like this.

Agree. I really hope they DO put the responsibility onto the *correct party* for mom in this situation, too. This could get very scary, very quickly.

I'll be keeping the mom in my thoughts. I hope she has support, people who don't blame her for what's happening. I hope she has a safe place to go, people who will help her to protect her kids, people who will remind her that HE is the abuser, not her. I'm glad she has you, Hg65. (((hugs)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:09 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

silverhopes posted 12/2/2019 19:16 PM

I realized I've kept saying "parole" officer. I think I've been misspeaking and it's probation officer. I didn't manage to call him today, but I left a message for him on Friday when Mr Silver was being arrested. I've been struggling today. Managed to teach the preschool kids their garden class, even in the rain. Today's theme was the 5 senses. When I got home, I tried to work more on projects. Trying to get things done. My godmother frequently criticizes me for things I haven't gotten done around the home, no matter how much I've actually gotten done. Lil Silver and I live with her, until I can find a way out. She means well, I believe, but there are things that happened in the past that really harmed me, and though she has stopped repeating those offenses, she still lacks boundaries. I believe it will take me a long time to escape, the way it has taken me a long time to leave Mr Silver, but I know now I can do it. If I have truly managed to escape him, then I can escape ALL my abusers.

On a brighter note, I've been able to do nature journaling, other kinds of art, and gardening more lately. I feel like I am being true to myself whenever I pursue these activities. Still haven't cried. I know I need to, but it's stuck inside. Probably because there isn't a safe place to cry.

Thank you all for letting me ramble, and thank you for all the thoughtful advice and encouragement you all have offered us (me and Lil Silver).

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:19 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

silverhopes posted 12/7/2019 22:06 PM

Hi everyone,

Not here with any updates. Just here to vent, I guess. Having a rough time. It's this weird feeling that I can't explain - like guilt combined with feeling unreal. Like I must be a horrible person, and then I can't quite connect to any of my normal emotions. Can't quite feel joy - it feels temporary - feel like my life is on hold. Like even now, even though I left him, it's not legitimate because he didn't accept my No.

Am I really free?

I also get this feeling like I need to cry, really really badly, but I can't. It's all stuck.

Feel like an alien in the world.

Chili posted 12/7/2019 22:39 PM

Today's theme was the 5 senses.

So maybe try making this a lesson for yourself as well. I know one of the things that helped me a lot when I felt like I was spinning was trying to find ways to shut off my brain for periods of time. Focusing on outside input instead of internal.

So...here's my own rambling thoughts. You seem to find peace doing your nature journaling - got several senses going on there. Are you a smell person? Maybe some essential oils or other yummies in a bath with your journal and some music? Can your godmother help schedule that kind of chunk of time for you? Snugging with the cat while sketching with the blinds open for some natural light? For me, it was the smallest things that helped quiet my mind and make me remember what was important and stay connected. (I hear you on the alien thing - I felt all floaty outlier everywhere I went). I sat in my garden a whole bunch - it was one place I felt like I could be quiet and get all those senses working. I even ate most of my meals outside if I could.

I also wonder if maybe you're not really giving yourself permission to feel your ______. Are you afraid lil or your godmother will see it? Are you scared of it - that maybe it will be ugly or maybe you're not sure what will come out? Do you feel like you're not "allowed" because *he* hasn't accepted your decision, so it must not be...real or something? Not trying to poke at this - just trying to remember where I was when I felt all tangled up in my emotions. You know - you get to feel joy or pain or anything else - regardless of what anyone else is doing. You get to give yourself the go-ahead for that anytime you damn well please.

silverhopes posted 12/8/2019 17:02 PM

So about an hour ago, my godmother opened the door to my room without asking, which is a big no-no we've discussed many times. I was asking her not to when she held up the house phone with a big frown on her face. He was on the line. I said no, so she went away with the phone and talked to him. She's been bugging me for the past hour to talk to her even though I said I needed space and didn't want to talk, so I just finally talked to her. She said he was calling back in a half hour (I have a feeling he's on the phone with her right now, as I just heard it ringing) and she said he wants to talk to me to tell me where he's going to be going and everything else.

I said no, that I was told that talking to him makes him do worse and that I was specifically told NOT to talk to him by both my caseworker and my psychiatrist (and also, you know, I'd already said that I needed NC for myself, not that my godmother or Mr Silver care about that), and she said she'd tell him. So now I'm sitting here knowing he's asking for me, and she's telling him no, and I feel like shit.

I'm going to follow your advice, Chili, and try to remember to use some enjoyable smells tonight while I'm taking my shower. And I'm going to wait until everyone is asleep so I won't be interrupted. Mint smell, that one good-smelling fruity soap that's in my shirts drawer (it makes my shirts smell good), anything lavender. I'm going to enjoy all of it as much as possible.

I think I'd feel better if I would just get my stuff clean. I have a severe clutter problem and can't figure out how to get it under control. My clutter problem and my depression have a way of feeding off each other. I need to figure out where to put everything so it has a home.

I also wonder if maybe you're not really giving yourself permission to feel your ______. Are you afraid lil or your godmother will see it? Are you scared of it - that maybe it will be ugly or maybe you're not sure what will come out? Do you feel like you're not "allowed" because *he* hasn't accepted your decision, so it must not be...real or something?

These are really good questions, Chili. I'm not so much afraid as Lil Silver and my godmother will see it, as feel stifled by their reactions. With Lil Silver, I don't want him to get used to seeing his mom in tears (last night I actually did start crying, but I was doing it silently. Lil Silver leaned over my face and saw me and asked me if I was crying again and said to stop, so I think he's really tired of it - he saw me crying a lot when the abuse began three years ago). My godmother is well-meaning but can be very stifling and kind of invasive, so I don't feel it's very safe to cry around her. Plus, she and I have a complicated relationship around a lot of things stemming from her putting too many of her own emotions on me among other things when I was a kid. It's hard to explain and I can't go into it right now, because it upsets me too much, which is a valuable insight for me. There is very little that I find too much or too upsetting to talk about, so the fact that I find anything to do with her to be that is significant and means I have a LOT of healing to do around it.

I definitely feel like I'm not "allowed" to because he hasn't accepted it and because I haven't filed for divorce, so even though I told him I'm done, I feel like I'm still technically "with him" and not allowed to say I'm done. Not allowed to be alone, not allowed to be done. Even though I am done.

I really really don't want to be vulnerable, and I feel like crying will leave me in a state of vulnerability. I need to make sure I'm either totally alone, or else that I'm around someone I really trust.

You get to give yourself the go-ahead for that anytime you damn well please.

Thank you (((Chili)))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:05 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Cephastion posted 12/9/2019 07:19 AM

I didn't see this thread until just this morning.


I don't even hardly know where to start.

Actually, no, I do know where.

A different CPS worker later after a different incident asked if I had tried to get away or called the police (yes to both - that was EXACTLY what had happened during that particular incident, which centered around him standing over me and smashing a pair of huge headphones into my head after throwing stuff at my head from across the room). Then they told me that they hated to sound harsh but they didn't care about my well-being at all, that Mr Silver and I could be having a knife fight with blood everywhere and they wouldn't care, as long as my son wasn't present.

I want you to know that I find this is an absolute insult to you and your child and family.

And what I have to say applies to why I think you are so affected by your connection to Mr. Silver as well.

People are not robots and no man is an island. We are connected to one another by so many MANY things whether we fully realize and acknowledge that truth or not.

What happens to you affects your precious child in much the same way that what happens to your child affects YOU.

If your child suffers from being a victim of violence or serious trauma...doesn't that affect YOU as well?

Wouldn't that affect even the rest of us here on SI if we were to witness and be present for such a horrible injustice to occur to someone we felt responsible to protect the rights and safety of?

If your child's well-being and even Mr. Silver's well-being can affect you as much as it does, then doesn't it stand to reason that your well-being affects your son as well?

Telling you what that CPS worker told you is a kind of insanity to me. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was 18. Let me tell you that it freaking affected me.

When I was run over by a woman and dragged down the road for two miles under her 70's era station wagon...my thoughts while I was being dragged to what I supposed would be my death were towards my mom losing her only child. I was 10 (or 11?) years old at the time. I didn't want her to suffer that grief along with the griefs she already had gone through with her loss of her abusive womanizing alcoholic husband (my dad) and the trauma of nearly losing her own loving dad nearly dying from 2 heart attacks and old age by that time.

If a child loses a limb or an organ, they can typically survive and still have a healthy life. But if a child loses their only source of love and security and stability and support...

Then that's FAR WORSE than merely losing a limb or a body part that is compensatable or replaceable.

This isn't just about protecting lil Silver from seeing or suffering violence himself. Lil Silver needs his mom.

You and your well-being are arguably more necessary to your son's well-being than much of that body of his is, in my opinion.

And unfortunately, I believe that you are also very much connected in your soul to Mr. Silver as well, albeit in a different way.

I don't say that for you to feel pressure or guilt, but rather to try and share my perspective on how we are so affected by one another's welfare even when we don't want to be and are trying logically and for our own good to detach for safety and sanity's sake.

I'm not sure where to go with some of the issues in this thread since I'm just kind of shellshocked by the sheer horribleness of your situation, but I wanted to at least sound off and call bullshit on that remark by that CPS worker who doesn't understand the mind of a child, in my opinion.

YOU MATTER Your well-being MATTERS. That asshole was WRONG. And to suggest otherwise just makes me have some fairly negative and seriously unpleasant thoughts towards a certain government worker at the moment....

[This message edited by Cephastion at 7:28 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/9/2019 07:54 AM

now I'm sitting here knowing he's asking for me, and she's telling him no, and I feel like shit.

You are one strong lady! What is wrong with your godmother? Isn't it her job to take care of you? I'm so confused by her behavior. Is there any way to get rid of her? Not only is she not helping, she's actually hurting you. Toxic people out of your life!

You do matter! You matter to your son. He needs you. What that CPS worker said to you is absolutely unacceptable. I would consider reporting that person. Heartless, and really does not have your child's best interests at heart.

silverhopes posted 12/9/2019 20:03 PM

(((((Cephastion))))) I wish I could hug the young man you were, to have gone through so much at such a young age. It would be rough in ANY age, but to go through all you went through as a kid, and STILL come out as being one of the most positive and kind-hearted posters I've seen on these boards... You shine with your good nature. And I can imagine that all you've been through, still hurts, still is healing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.

You have a very good perspective, one that makes a lot of sense to me. I will take your words to heart about Lil Silver needing me to remain healthy, that it would hurt him deeper than most things if I weren't.

You've identified exactly what's wrong with me. Over and over again, I keep telling myself, "I don't matter." To see in big letters that I matter is...

It's painful. I'm scared to matter. I don't feel as though I've earned anything good. I feel totally unworthy. I crave kindness and yet I feel totally unworthy of it. Dad says not to play the victim card, so I tell myself that my pain doesn't matter. Just suck it up, swallow it down, pretend everything is fine. This is just life. I'm not a victim, this is just what I deserve. But I keep feeling the pain, I'm acting like a victim, can't get the thoughts out of my head, so remain silent. If I can't help but feel it, at least I can keep this sickness to myself. Don't tell people irl what's going on. My friends find out anyway from another friend, they tell me that they've been putting up walls with me because they don't want me to rely on them as my first resort for everything happening with my H, I tell them that I am my own first resort - I tell myself, that's even more of a reason not to tell people. I don't want to be the friend with all the drama. I don't want to burden people. Be stronger, don't be pathetic. I will figure out a way through. And yet everything still hurts. AND IT ISN'T ALLOWED TO HURT.

Swallow it all down. Numb it out. Be more positive. Make a plan. Figure out what the next right thing is to do. Stop being pathetic. Figure it out!!! Catch up. Stand on your own feet. Be a good role model to my son. Be better. Stop failing.

I'm scared to matter. How do I matter without acting like a weak victim? How do I stop being a player in the drama triangle? How do I just be normal and healthy?

What is wrong with your godmother? Isn't it her job to take care of you?

She has unhealthy boundaries and thinks that we need to stick together as a family. She wants everyone to be OK, and I think what's happening to Mr Silver breaks her heart (mine, too. But I can't let him keep abusing us). I need to leave here and get away from her next. It is taking a long time to make a way out for Lil Silver and me. But I am still working on it. Haven't stopped working on it.

Thank you (((((coco))))). Thank you (((((everyone here))))).

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:16 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

silverhopes posted 12/9/2019 20:42 PM

Just found a good link, "Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle." Reading it now. I will leave the triangle! I will learn how to be healthy!

This isn't going to be my New Year's Resolution. This is my FOREVER resolution!

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/9/2019 20:59 PM

I need to leave here and get away from her next. It is taking a long time to make a way out for Lil Silver and me. But I am still working on it. Haven't stopped working on it.

Don't ever give up! You will figure this out.

silverhopes posted 12/12/2019 23:57 PM

So this afternoon the CPS showed up for an unexpected visit.

They had been told that our home was filthy and had feces everywhere so they showed for a wellness check. I was so terrified. I thought they were there to take my son.

Luckily they seemed to think it is mostly clean and that weíre taking care of the mouse problem...

So Iím cleaning up, freaked out, even more anxious because one of the workers is visiting Lil Silver at school tomorrow (which happens to be his birthday), and I donít know who made the report. Stressed and feeling like I canít trust anyone.

Now Iím mad. Whatís the fastest way to ruin a family? Pick up the phone and call CPS. Going to get this home fucking clean. Going to figure out a way out of here and away from all this drama. FUCK YOU DRAMA TRIANGLE!!!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/13/2019 00:22 AM

So sorry for all that you are going through silver!!

I just wanted to say to ask a lawyer re: CPS. My XH dealt with CPS frequently as his XW called them on him a lot. It is my understanding that you do NOT need to let them in. Nobody is allowed in your home without a warrant. Even if it seems very official and very scary.

This is actually how his XW evaded losing custody for a very long time, she wouldn't let CPS in and it took them a very long time to build their case.

I'm not a lawyer so don't take this as the letter of the law, but worth looking into if you don't want to have to deal with stuff like that, especially in such trying times.

I know they won't tell you WHO called it in, but they have to tell you WHAT was reported, so a lot of times you can make some intuitive leaps based on what info they give. Can you think of anyone who knows about the mouse problem and has expressed disgust with it?

Gently, do you think it's possible that MrSilver called in an attempt to get back at you for not talking to him? I know CPS is there to protect kids, but vindictive assholes sometimes use CPS as a weapon to threaten and coerce people.

Cooley2here posted 12/13/2019 06:57 AM

Silver, CPS worker probably told you what was between you and your husband was a police matter. Child protective services is just that. They look specifically at what is a risk to a child. If they donít find any risk they move on. The police hate to go out on domestic issues because they see things in black-and-white. CPS sees things as a risk to a child so they are parallel jobs that overlap. The cops think one person is guilty and needs to be arrested and the other is not and does not need to be arrested. The rules on domestic violence according to the police is pretty much that. Child protective services might decide because the home is volatile will open a case and monitor it which means that they will visit your child at school and come to your home and visit. For your childís sake you need to find a less volatile life. CPS looks at one thing. How safe is the child. You as the stable parent will be expected to provide safety for your child and if you canít they will. Thatís how kids get in foster care. The safe parent canít or wonít protect their child from the dangerous parent. I am in court enough to know that one of these issues is criminal and the other is child protection. Sometimes they overlap and sometimes they donít.
I feel so badly for these parents who are stuck because of finances or because theyíve been so beaten down theyíve been unable to make a choice for themselves and their children. This place is such a wonderful support system. I hope you get good suggestions on how to get you and your child to a safe calm place. Both of you so desperately need it

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:28 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Cephastion posted 12/13/2019 07:01 AM

Oh Silver! I am so sorry that people are so fucking coldblooded and worthless that they have to lie and destroy and bully others just to feel better about their own sorry worthless loser selves.

I know EXACTLY what it's like.

I have been in those shit-shoes myself!

And it was when I was only 19-22 years old and had my care-dependent grandfather to care for.

My house wasrelatively spotless even though I was a single teen male. But I was raised by my Mary Poppins minded mom and grandparents...not by pigs. And I loved my sweet beloved grandpa much like a mother loves her care-dependent son.

I had some disgusting self righteous asshole neighbors who didn't want my deceased mother's wishes for her dad to stay and be cared for in his own home to be respected. They wanted to bully and control me while hiding behind the government (and anonymity's) skirts so to speak.

Silver, they said the SAME DAMN LIE about US.

Let me tell you that you couldn't even smell a hint of feces when you came into my home. I steam cleaned and washed things like a germophobe would want done. But they made up all manner of lies about malnutrition and poop and broken limbs and other manner of supposedly poor conditions that were just as true of me and my home and grandpa as they might be of the people doing the bullshitting accusing.

Don't let those liars and bullies scare you or take you down! They are only lying feces themselves.

I respect the CPS and and elderly and domestic abuse related organizations very much. The ones being abused in this case however is YOU and your son by those abusive lying bullying fucking coward-ass monsters who have no respect for the people who have a real need for such services or protections afforded by such.

No respect for the truth.

No respect for the government agency involved.

No respect for you.

No respect for your son.

No respect for the community of people who don't need the workers in those agencies to get calloused or deaf to real needs or calls for help due to false alarms and wolves always calling and crying "wolf!" like some juvenile prank caller trying to get their jollies off on others' shame and suffering and loss due to breaking up a traumatized and compassion-starved struggling little family.

I am no abuser of dependents at all, but people like that...THEY should be the ones going to jail and getting shamed and going without their loved ones for a good long damn time and dancing to the gunfire at their feet to get them back.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 7:03 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Cephastion posted 12/13/2019 07:23 AM

I read what the other poster wrote about your rights to not let them come in and stuff, but I will tell you that I never refused them the right to enter and investigate to their hearts content.

I wanted my grandpa to feel protected and I wanted to let people have OPEN dialogue and to be transparent about the situation because I knew it looked like a very suspiciously upside-down and ass-backwards situation to have a teenager doing the care of a grown dementia-disabled, care dependant man in his late 80's all by myself (solo at times).

I never had any trouble from any of those case worker/investigators on any level, but their presence and sheer potential power to destroy what little connection I had left to love and family and my mom...well...the sheer FEAR of further loss and further injustices being forced upon my family...it was almost unbearable.

You just be YOU and don't let fear take control, okay?

Clean and do all that you have in your heart to do if that makes you feel more safe and sheilded and in control of your little Sliver-lamb and yourself and your home, but don't let the sheer fear of it all bully you like those asshole liars want it to.

The enemy isn't those case workers but your enemy is lies and slander and verbal bullying and defamation.

There are laws about defamation and slander. I don't know enough about them but it is a crime to defame someone for mere malice and bullying's sake.

But the lies that you can so easily believe about yourself and your situation are also the enemy here along with the assholes who want to hurt you and your family with lies as well.

Don't blame yourself for others's abusive bullying sick selfish cowardly hearts.

You are not the person they are slandering you out to be.

You both need and deserve better and so does your son.

Don't let the doubts and self-blame have any kind of voice in your head and mind and heart.

The lies are the ones to attack. Not yourself.

Btw, I never had a mouse or bug issue back then, but I've had to deal with that in another situation. What are you doing to evict them out of your situation, if I may ask? I don't want to see your mercifulness to the little trespassing critters result in unmerciful consequences to you or your son.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 7:40 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

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