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Vent all the babble makes.me want to pull iut my hair and scream

DragnHeart posted 11/15/2019 12:42 PM

Ya know I've just about had it with people with "education " claiming they are a know it all about cheating. Fml I'm so angry. Post pops up on fb and I knew I should have kept scrolling but nnooooooo. If I can calm down long enough to type out her exact words and post it I will (dont hold your breath) but the overall message is that cheating doesnt mean an end to the relationship but can lead to a wonderful intimate new relationship AS long AS the BS takes a deep look at themselves and how they co contributed to their spouses infidelity...

For fucks sake. She says first we must look at ourselves and how we cheated ourselves.

Ya I married a fucking selfish, entitled asshole who could win an Oscar for his acting abilities.

That was my only mistake. Period.

Nothing we BS's did or didn't do contributed to the shitty choices our spouses made. Nothing.

And yes for some it means the immediate ending of the relationship and theres nothing wrong with that choice.

If I could spit fire right now I would...

Lalagirl posted 11/15/2019 12:45 PM

If I could spit fire right now I would...

Girlfriend, I bet you would; you are a dragon after all!

I think people who spout off that bullshit have no friggin clue - I'll bet they've not been cheated on, and if they have, they're brainwashed.

SMMFH.

EllieKMAS posted 11/15/2019 12:48 PM

Those people either A) know nothing about cheating because it has never happened to them or B) It has happened to them and they are so screwed up that they refuse to put the responsibility on the WS where it belongs. I get being angry cus I do it too, but mostly I just tell myself that they are idiots who have no idea what they are talking about. I give them a good ol' "Bless their heart" and move on.

That being said, I will admit that before I became a BS, I thought I knew what cheating was about and that I would never stay, blah blah blah. It is truly one of those life experiences that no one knows how they will do or feel until they are thrown into it. I don't judge about it anymore.

PeaceLily210 posted 11/15/2019 12:49 PM

There is so much ignorance out there surrounding this subject. I once heard a friend talking about a mutual friend who was separated "She needs to just let her H go out and sow his oats a bit and then they can get back together and move forward" I often wondered if she remembered that conversation as she was screaming at her WH after discovering that he was leaving her and their two children for his AP.

Ya I married a fucking selfish, entitled asshole who could win an Oscar for his acting abilities

^^^Same^^^

I just shake my head and move on now. I used to get super angry and try to have a conversation with people about this. Now I have to let it go. I don't have the energy to try to explain how wrong they are.

DragnHeart posted 11/15/2019 12:57 PM

Thanks ya'all.

The way she says things and how she says it could be seen as an ok sure maybe but that "co contributed " crap just set my fires a burning.

It's a video. It dmgoes so fast I can't write it out.

And if I get permission to link it I'm sure it will open my facebook....so no.

I get her saying to look within and see if you have been rugsweeping. Sure. Did I turn a blind eye to his behaviour. But to have to ask what I did to make my WH not feel safe....ugh. has nothing to do with him not feeling safe. He fucked me my first day.home Forman emergency sc section cause I got cut open instead of stretched. Still all nice and tight ya know. And while he got it at home he also got it at work and I had no fucking clue until I happened upon an email. So it's not like his behaviour changed that I saw red flags for.

Ans in that case his sister and mother both knew and they treated me the same.. never acted different.

Ahhhhhh. I feel about ready to close.my fb account. And build a huge wall around my house with barbed wire and electric fences so keep iut the crazies.

nekonamida posted 11/15/2019 12:57 PM

I hate it when people with education and authority give that kind of advice. It's damaging. How many posters here did exactly that and got served up a new DDay? Ones who even got that advice from a professional? Far too many.

DragnHeart posted 11/15/2019 13:02 PM

Part of me does wonder if I'm just to emotional over it because of recent events with wh and if any of you would actually agree with some parts of what this person is saying. Shes a.prominant psychobabble person and has her own fb page.

HEY mods am I allowed to post her name so someone can go check out her page? See if I'm being crazy lol

landclark posted 11/15/2019 13:11 PM

AS long AS the BS takes a deep look at themselves and how they co contributed to their spouses infidelity

This seems to be a common misconception, and honestly you see it on here from time to time as well. It's incredibly annoying.

I for one take no accountability for my WH choosing to cheat or his reasons for doing it. That's 100% on him.

EllieKMAS posted 11/15/2019 13:13 PM

Just wanted to add...

For me, I know that part of my healing from all of this is to look at the issues that existed in my M pre-A. There were plenty. Did I have some accountability there? Yes I did. Marriage is two people, and I will always own my part. But not to 'ease' things for my WS, but to take responsibility for my own self and hopefully learn from the mistakes I made.

But examining those things should NOT be the primary focus after an A. The A does such egregious harm... it is truly indescribable. What this fb moron is saying would be like going into an ER after being creamed by a drunk driver and the doctors and nurses asking you why you were driving on that road at that time. After the accident, it really doesn't matter why I was in my car right then.

I have definitely learned it first hand just how little people understand about what it is like when your partner cheats... it's unfortunate that 'experts' are putting out such shite information.

Nanatwo posted 11/15/2019 13:13 PM

I just remember what Ron White said "You can't fix stupid", and move on.

Chaos posted 11/15/2019 13:17 PM

DragnHeart - use your fire power to burn down their pages/websites from anything you see.

Then move on to the fabulousness of being you.

Education is not synonymous with smarts.

PSTI posted 11/15/2019 13:18 PM

Hmm. Ellie, I get what you're saying about timing. Because I also think that marital problems are generally a two person issue, even though infidelity itself is one person's choice.

So when do you think is appropriate to work on that side of the marriage, out of curiosity?

DragnHeart posted 11/15/2019 13:26 PM

There are always going to be issues in a marriage. Always.

You have two.imperfect people together in an imperfect world. Shit happens.

But while I can own that my focus was on our sick child and not his cock all the time I did make it more than clear even before she was born that IF he felt abandoned by me his wife, He needed to talk to me about it.

The fact that hes as closed up emotionally as a box turtle can be physically speaks volumes about HIS issues. Not mine.

Am I responsible for my choice to stay despite his lack of trying to fix things. Yes. I have my reasons for that. This does not give him the right or justification to still be a shitty husband. To cheat to act wayward. (You can be selfish and entitled without screwing anyone that's why I list them separately).

EllieKMAS posted 11/15/2019 13:53 PM

So when do you think is appropriate to work on that side of the marriage, out of curiosity?

That happens when the BS is ready for that to happen. Could be right away, could be a year, could be never. That part of a BS's journey is on the BS's own timeline.

I am only speaking for my own self. In times of conflict I do tend to first focus on my own actions/ideas/feelings - maybe that is a control thing or... codependency? I really don't know. In my case, I will fully own the issues we had pre-A and my part in those is not to ease my xwh's conscience or whatever. For me, times like this that are hard and upsetting and awful also offer me rare opportunities for growth and change. Change is painful and good change is the most painful of all. I will not let this thing own me - I will use it to forward my own growth and strengthen my own self-knowledge. That is for ME.

The cheating itself? Yeahno, not taking any accountability for that. That is fully on him. And what he does with that, whether he chooses to grow and change or whether he chooses to stay stuck is totally up to him. We are divorced and don't share children, so it really has no bearing on my life either way at this point.

DragnHeart, I am in NO way saying that any BS bears any responsibility for the cheating part - that always rests solely on the WS. Nor am I saying that every BS needs to look into their issues. Those explorations are deeply personal and up to each individual BS to do or not, and there is no right or wrong answer. I am strictly saying the above illustrates some parts of MY personal journey through all of this infidelity shit.

DragnHeart posted 11/15/2019 13:59 PM

I agree that we can always grow and learn delm the experiences we have. And I have much to learn and growing to do. But to have someone tell me that I played a part in my wh making a choice such as cheating is just unacceptable.

He could have Divorced me.

He didn't have to put my life and the lives of our children (inwas pregnan) at risk for whatever selfish reason he wants to claim drove him to soothe his poor baby self with another womans vagina.

crazyblindsided posted 11/15/2019 14:06 PM

I would have replied except when they give you STDs and that constitutes abuse. I try to bring the infidelity back where it belongs...as abuse.

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