SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WS's IC has mentioned it, I think, but he also came across it before that. I think his intention was to be more mindful of what he was doing in the present. Not that it worked to stop him lying when asked about something, or looking at nude pics.

I came across it again in a book today, where it described it as a conscious effort to live in the present,as things which cause us distress are either memories of the past or worries about the future. Fair enough. I can see how this works well for BS and in general life.

But on the flip side, wouldn't it just encourage W thinkers to enjoy the moment (with whoever is catching their eye), without consideration of the past (spouses who are elsewhere) or future (consequences)? Seems to me that W were very much living in the present while conducting their A.

I think I may have fallen a bit further down the rabbit hole with this, but that's the kind of thought which intrudes on everyday things nowadays!

I see it as looking at how things you do today grow you as a person. What are you doing now to make it a better day, make someone else's day better. Planning for the future is good. We all need that. I like reflecting on my past too but not being held back by it. Every day there's a chance to take a step forward. Why stay in the same place? Growth is hard but feels satisfying.

Being in the present isn't a permission to be selfish or lie to others or use others in a selfish way. Being in the present reminds us not to agonize about past things we can't do anything about now or worry too much about future days so that we can't live without fear in the present. We do the best we can in each day and the good that we do ripples out and touches hundreds of others. I can see how someone could justify bad actions and decisions by saying they weren't considering the future or that the past guided them to it. That's not being mindful however, that's being either hurtful and destructive or at the least, self absorbed and immature.

It is absolutely good for a WS.

It encourages the detachment from emotion, building more deliberate and integral living. The value of mindfulness is in distancing from the ego- an ability to see past emotion, where one can recognize the frequent instances where emotions drive us to bad decisions. This tyranny of emotion can certainly explain a lot of wayward behavior, and so the ability to rise above it and reframe that as a cognitive challenge is goodness.

PHK nailed it- It’s not license to be free of consequence or effect. It’s arriving at a more natural state where one instinctively acts in a manner that intuitively accounts for those effects as opposed to having to stop to consider. By usurping the ego the kinds of mutually beneficial decisions become the first and right choice much more regularly.

ETA: Another way to frame the discussion is to think about the reason to avoid focusing on the past or the future- When we look to those either unrealized or painfully past events we LOSE the ability to actually control the present- Namely our own actions in that present. For a cheater wallowing in the “non-now” is as dangerous as for a BS- In the past live distorted perceptions that feed rationalization, and a future focus CAN be warped via our other old standby, manipulation. Yes we do need to understand CONSEQUENCE, but that is perhaps better viewed as the “end of the present action.”

Maybe rambling but was mulling this over...

[This message edited by JBWD at 12:58 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

I can understand your concern with this. Being mindful is about being the moment, fully present and aware of what is happening right now. If you are washing the dishes, you are paying attention to washing the dishes, not thinking about the 50 other things you have on your list when that is done. So, it can seem like you aren't thinking about anyone but yourself, but that's not how it's supposed to work.

Being mindful is not about living in a bubble where everything is all and only about you. It actually opens your mind to being more aware of others. It's about not ruminating about a past that you can't change or worrying about a future that may not happen. It's about experiencing life as it happens.