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How much should you talk about it?

Kitt posted 11/17/2019 15:30 PM

Im sure this is a common question, and as I have learned, there is a lot of wisdom here.

We had a really bad MC at the beginning, that favored the rug sweep method. Since then, my WW is complaining that we are "always talking about the affair".

There has been a ton of things that have gone on, like TT, bad MC, health issues, and now the AP is going to work with her again (crazy story)

After all of that, sometimes I want to talk about it. Now, I think she is right to some level, but that because we don't do any real communication.

But aside from that, how much is to much? as a real question. And for WS, when did it stop becoming to much?

layla1234 posted 11/17/2019 16:38 PM

I'd be expecting to talk about it waaaaay more if she's going to be working with AP again. That might be a deal breaker for me.

The1stWife posted 11/17/2019 17:30 PM

I agree with Layla.

The cheater must do something to make you feel safe now that they are working together again. She should know that without you telling her.

and you talk about it until you donít red to talk about it any longer. Please tell your wife that.

Kitt posted 11/17/2019 18:04 PM

Given our current state, it will probably be a deal-breaker for me.

oldtruck posted 11/17/2019 18:40 PM

talking everyday prevents time to heal

I assume your D day was 1 year ago, so normally
you should only need to talk one evening a week.

however being all the rug sweeping, bad mc, and
still being trickle truth you need to be talking
3 to 4 times a week

also why is the WW and the OM going to be working

does the OM know about the affair? if no then that
is a must do.

does the business know about the PA? if no the
affair must be exposed to the CEO & head or HR
include in the letter how they will maintain NC
between WW and the OM.

Then after exposing the OMW & the business time
to put your foot down and tell your WW that if
she wants to be married to you she must maintain
NC with the OM, so she cannot work for the same
business as the OM.

1000000pieces posted 11/17/2019 19:00 PM

You deserve to be heard and have your questions answered, anytime, day or night, without complaint. That is without question.

Important to make time and room for shared pleasurable experiences together, yes, but without regular, open, honest, transparent communication not sure how intimacy and your relationship can be restored. No matter how uncomfortable that may be for your WS.

The best way my WH showed he was invested in our future was to listen and take my anger, be available to discuss painful subjects without defensiveness. Wasn't perfect in the beginning but the more we talked, the better we got at it.

It's been a year since final DD and we still schedule a time to talk every day. And he's agreeable to impromptu sessions when something can't wait - just happened at 4:30 in the morning the other day.

I suggest reading relevant articles or watch short utube videos together when communication is at a standstill. That gets a discussion going, even if it does not directly apply to your situation, that won't feel too threatening but opens up channels for communication.

I found that my WH could often hear a viewpoint better, and understand my words better, if it was expressed by a BS other than myself.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/17/2019 19:02 PM

You talk about it as much as you need to. If she's truly remorseful, she will understand this. The more you talk about it now, the less you will need to talk about it later. She needs to realize and accept that. Not talking will cause problems to rise back up later. Everything needs to be put in the open, hashed, and rehashed as many times as you need.

landclark posted 11/17/2019 19:59 PM

Iím with Coco. You talk as much as you need too. Thereís no rule here. At 6 months out, my WH and I talk about it almost every day in some way. The conversations are much more productive now than they were immediately after dday, but itís still discussed often, and will continue to be discussed until I feel like I no longer need to talk about it. If WH doesnít like it, well he shouldnít have cheated.

[This message edited by landclark at 8:14 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

cancuncrushed posted 11/17/2019 20:33 PM

All you need to. Itís very very common to need to talk about it a lot. It takes a long time to wrap your head around this. To understand. To accept. You have the right to talk anytime you want. Usually itís a need.

If your spouse is doing the work. If R is healing. It will lesson. But not for a while. Many canít stop because the R is false.

Under no circumstances should cheaters be around each other. Period. Some believe they have to. For finances. They try. It doesnít heal

Are you getting what you need to feel safe? Does she answer and heal herself? Does she have remorse?

Looking back in my experience. I was crushed. I kept waiting to feel better. I kept waiting for Wh to show me he loved me. and work toward marriage. My distress came from getting nothing. I waited for improvement. I kept waiting. I wasnít happy. I thought it took time. It also takes effort

Doing little. Doing nothing. Doing whatís repeatedly wrong. Doesnít work

It always surprised me that cheaters avoid feeling uncomfortable. They donít want to face the cheating. Much less the damage. Wasnít the entire A based on feelings? They didnít fight those. If talking about cheating makes them so uncomfortable , canít they imagine how we feel? Many canít. Many wonít. Itís still all about them.

Take back your choices. And control. There are lots of jobs in this world.

For me the job would be the final choice

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:41 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Skoochnski posted 11/17/2019 22:52 PM

I asked this same question here. My husband thought that I was asking too many questions. He called it ďgathering ammunitionĒ meaning I would use his answers against him in future arguments or use them to start more arguments.

I was encouraged to ask as many questions as I wanted to and to tell my husband to suck it up and answer. And Thatís exactly what I did!

I actually kept an open note on my phone and when a question came into my head I wrote it down instead of texting my husband. I did this because I tend to have an avalanche of questions pop into my mind once I start thinking about it.
My husband felt buried under such a barrage of questions and tended to shut down. So I stored them away and asked one or two at a time and checked them off as we went.

Iím sure Iíll continue to do this.

sisoon posted 11/18/2019 06:44 AM

More Q&A is associated with better Rs in a couple of books - NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Help for Therapists (and their Clients) by Peggy Vaughan, available for free download at her website.

IMO, talking helps the WS take responsibility for cheating; without that, the WS can't heal. Honest answers also help rebuild trust. A corollary is that a WS who won't talk honestly about his A is not a candidate for R.

IOW, the way the WS handles talking about the A can give you lots of info that points either to R or D.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/18/2019 08:42 AM


Offering a waywards perspective...

A number of waywards will want to proceed onto the next step, reconciliation, a lot faster than the betrayed partner. It is not always rugsweeping.

I was wanting to work on my marriage, whereas my BW was still coming to grips with my A and she kept asking questions, which to me felt like ancient history and ground we had covered already. It took me a long time to really and truly appreciate where she was at. We had a good MC that basically pointed out to me where my thinking and logic were wrong.

The best thing my BW and I did was a lot of Q&A sessions, with a glass of wine, either in front of the fireplace or in the hot tub. I will give my BW credit, she was very good at drawing out the details she wanted in a positive way, which also led me to be more open and more introspective. She was more interested in my whys than the gory details.

Now 4 years later we still have the odd discussion, but it is very matter of fact, usually in reference to a really badly portrayed affair on a tv show or movie.

SumofOne posted 11/18/2019 09:07 AM

Thanks for that perspective MrClean.

This is one of the biggest issues for me and my WW right now. I am a freaking machine right now. I am an over thinker. My mind is constantly trying to make sense of everything (I did the same thing when my dad died, I had to know as much about his final minutes as possible). I never seem to let up. Some days my wife does really good but here is what typically happens. I will ask a question similar to one I have asked 200 times, she will reply with a canned and un-engaged answer. That will set me off so I dig and slowly and I'm trying so hard to reach her at an emotional level that she either completely lashes out or completely disengages.

I am asking her questions from the moment she wakes, until going to bed on the weekends because we can't talk much during the week.

The common thought here at SI is, if she didn't want to answer these questions she shouldn't have had an A. I agree mostly. I think, for over thinkers, the questioning can border on emotional abuse at times though. Yes I know they abused us but that's a poor excuse to return it.

If what we want is to heal or reach R, then some consideration to your partners should be given or you will just push them away. My wife is not denying me asking questions. She is not asking me to rug sweep. She just needs a break from it, and honestly I do too. When I back off for a bit, let her head clear, she is way more approachable and forthcoming.

Now if your spouse is always combative, defensive, entitled, well....that's not good.

Not questioning around the clock also allows some time to try and re-connect and enjoy each others presence.

Chaos posted 11/18/2019 09:09 AM

You talk about it as much as you need to. IMHO starting with "You know working with AP is a deal breaker - which one of you is resigning effective immediately."

Kitt posted 11/18/2019 09:41 AM


why is the WW and the OM going to be working

The short of it - She left her job about a year ago. She when NC in Jan. He left the job and applied and got a job at her site. She told her boss, but they are different departments. He also knows I know. Last week he found out that he was working with her, we have known for about a month now.

layla1234 posted 11/18/2019 09:54 AM

Ughhh, that's soo annoying. Does he have an OBS? I would not tolerate this. Someone would have to leave the job and it should be him since she already got away from him once. Does it seem like he did it on purpose?

I'm always afraid of this and it's one of the reasons I question my desicion to make WS get rid of his linked in. I didn't want the COW to know where he ended up, but that increases the chance she may accidentally end up at his company. Especially since his old work may be going through lots of lay offs soon.

Kitt posted 11/18/2019 11:37 AM

no, he is single :(

There are only about 8-9 companies that they can work at, and from what a friend of mine said, he had no idea he would be working with her. Both of us really doubt that he came chasing her or something.

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