I kinda posted a little about this on another thread, but thought it was a good stand alone.
Just up front - nothing of what I am about to say means I in any way justify an A. Want that understood.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am a BW. And on Dec 13, I will be a divorcee. I have had some really challenging times in my life and this last year has sucked ass for the most part.
When I first landed on SI in Nov 2018, I was a hot fuckin mess. And SI was such a life saver - to know that all these other people GOT IT. They knew how blown apart I felt, how upside-down I felt. I really don't know how in the hell I would have survived the fallout from DDay1, 9 months of false R, separation, DDay2 without all of the farking amazing people on here. My gratitude is boundless.
I mention being an adult child of an alcoholic because I have really connected a LOT of dots between my processing of that and my processing of being thrown into the infidelity inferno. Both were things outside of myself and my conscious control that I was made to be a part of. Both involved people I love(d) very deeply. Both made me feel helpless and hopeless. My reaction to both showed me a lot of my own flawed coping mechanisms. I am addressing a lot of that in my therapy.
Miraculously, my mom will be getting her 7 year chip in AA in January. We are still working through stuff from her drinking days, but by and large my relationship with her is wonderful. We still have disagreements, don't get me wrong. I mean, she IS my mom, so there has to be some level of difference right?
She was a total disaster when she opened that AA door for the first time. He life had gone off the rails, she had alienated most of her family, and had really severely damaged the family she was still talking to. She had lost her job, ended up in the hospital, her and my sister were 2 seconds away from killing each other. To put it mildly, her last couple years of drinking were hell for me. I can't begin to imagine the hell they were for her.
Maybe it is that - seeing her getting sober. Seeing her be able to say that she is an alcoholic in recovery, seeing the very hard work she has done in her battle for her sobriety. And ultimately, despite her imperfections, seeing her embrace and LIVE her sobriety every day. And she will tell you even all these years out, that her sobriety is a daily CHOICE that she makes. Maybe that is why my perspective differs here.
I feel a lot of anger towards my xwh. I will for a long time. I feel anger at cheaters in general a lot. Their actions are not justified or rational or excusable. Hurting someone like that never is.
But removing the cheater glasses for a minute... I felt a lot of rage at addicts for a long time. Alcoholics in particular. Where I was in my journey at that time, a lot of that rage was understandable. As I have learned through my mom's involvement and her love for AA over the last 7 years, a lot of people have to open that door a lot of times before they get it right. While I can certainly feel for those people's loved ones and the sadness it is loving an addict, I will also give that addict their credit. If they keep going back, if they keep opening that fucking door, if they keep trying... IMHO they are miles further ahead than a lot of addicts ever get.
So too with waywards. Because of my own experiences this last year, I have an understandable deep-seated rage towards cheaters. I don't get it. I don't think it is in any way OK. I read in waywards, though I am not sure why. A lot of the posts make me very angry, or very sad, or [insert emotion here]. I don't comment over there a whole lot, and if I see a thread that pushes my buttons, I nope out of it. But just like I feel towards alcoholics opening that heavy AA door, I will give the waywards here on SI their due credit. They are showing up. They are at least willing to admit, however badly or quietly or waywardly, that they have a problem. That their life has gone badly off track. And just like an alcoholic, it has gone off track due to their own choices and flawed coping skills.
How many of you BS's have a WS that never came to SI? How many of you had a WS that just left? How many of you had one that did the false R stuff? Quite a few of us I think. I know for damn sure that they will be having snowball fights in hell when my xwh comes on here.
The title of this thread is safe spaces. JFO is a BS's safe space. And a badly needed one when DDay blows us up. But just because a wayward has pulled the pin on the grenade doesn't give me a right to invalidate the struggle they have. And Waywards is their safe space. Unpacking those bags is hard slogging ugly work. Some don't or can't, some do it really badly for a while and some sadly won't ever even try. But the waywards on SI are showing up and at least trying to start.
I am notoriously grinchy around the holidays and I don't do the "goodwill towards humanity" crap, mostly because I try my best to do that all year. But for me? I have had enough ugliness in my life this last year to last me for a long fucking time. I don't have to agree with them or understand it, but I will do my best to at least acknowledge a wayward's earnest attempts to affect meaningful change.
That's my SI Christmas present I suppose.