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Married, 3 children, wife had EA (?). Need advice.

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Robert22205https posted 11/30/2019 11:32 AM

Even a rabbit fights when cornered.

The timeline and polygraph are threatening the lies and denial practiced by your wife (and supported by her mother and her friend).

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife failed.

Now she has an obligation to do whatever you need to rebuild trust and make you feel safe.

The root cause for any discomfort (aka, a consequence) experienced by your wife is caused by her affair (not the timeline & Polygraph).

1 - The timeline has to be hers (directly created by her vs you) in order to subject it to a polygraph.

2 - The process of her (not you) creating the timeline (all the many lies etc) is an important early step in making herself safe from repeating.

The act of writing it down, tends to counter her thought process that the affair was innocent/justifiable - and paints the affair for the ugly shameful hurtful behavior that it was.

It's not enough for her to just verbalize the timeline. Writing it out adds more weight to her words.

Therefore, if she's serious about making herself safe (and rebuilding your trust) she will write out the timeline.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:58 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

dblackstar2002 posted 11/30/2019 11:38 AM

I just posed something, You should probably read it, It may help you. Good luck to you....

Marz posted 11/30/2019 11:54 AM

Her MIL wants a rugsweep.

That's a real good way to get a repeat.

How'd you like going through this the first time? Want to go thorough it again?

faithfulman posted 11/30/2019 12:01 PM

Okay BSPheonix - it's getting really real now.

Anybody tells you that you should not demand a timeline done to your satisfaction, STD tests, DNA tests, a polygraph, No contact, quit a job whatever you need to have the information you need to make your decision, tell them that you don't care what they think!

This is your marriage and they can fuck right off! Tell them that too if they persist.

If they keep on persisting, if you are at their place say this is what it is and leave, there is no negotiating, or if they are at your place you throw their ass out.

Period.

You must be a rock, totally unyielding, or your wife will not respect you and she will weasel out of telling the truth.

The timeline is her "statement of truth". She will be quizzed against it on the polygraph.

You see what is going on. I would get her alone, and without telling her about the VAR, just let her know that telling people lies about you, telling people lies about her behavior, trying to recruit a bunch of people and line them up against you - NONE OF THESE WILL SAVE HER FROM THE DIVORCE HAMMER.

Let her know what divorce will look like, how you will insist on getting the maximum amount of time you can with your kids, you will only support her to the extent the court mandates

Tell her that all the people she is running to can be her new husband - see how that works out.

Let her know that you will not keep any secrets for her about her being a lying cheater, not from the children, mutual friends - nobody! She will be exposed.

Then tell her to sit her ass down and start writing the timeline, taking STD tests, etc.

Scare the shit out of her. Learn what you need to. Make the decision you need to.

None of these other people matter. She is running to them but they can't do anything to you. You have the power now. She has lies, and their power is diminishing.

P.S. I would also tell her you will Polygraph her about telling other people lies about you and her relationship. When it is time for her to make amends, she will need to admit to lying to these people about you, with you present.

ShutterHappy posted 11/30/2019 12:06 PM

I think my wife may be a compulsive liar,

The foundation of marriage is trust. How can you do R with a compulsive liar? It’s time for you to detach and consult a lawyer. Just tell her that you want the best for her and wish her luck with her new boyfriend.

Even if you reconcile with her, you’ll have to deal with her toxic friends and the in-laws that think that you are abusing her. She had the affair, and you are abusing her? Poor thing... With parents like that, no wonder she feels entitled to do whatever she wants.

Buster123 posted 11/30/2019 13:53 PM

This is why we do insist on a VAR immediately, the info that can be obtained through it is invaluable, good job on that.

This is your M, tell those people to fuck off, don't let them dictate your life, your WW is the cheater here, tell her she's got 1 hour to schedule an STD test and start writing a detailed timeline of her huge betrayal, that in the meantime you will start looking for a reputable polygraph testing facility in your area, if she refuses tell her it means automatic D, no questions asked. Stay strong and stick to your guns, this is a crucial moment.

Murkywaters posted 11/30/2019 16:31 PM

This is your M, tell those people to fuck off, don't let them dictate your life, your WW is the cheater here, tell her she's got 1 hour to schedule an STD test and start writing a detailed timeline of her huge betrayal, that in the meantime you will start looking for a reputable polygraph testing facility in your area, if she refuses tell her it means automatic D, no questions asked. Stay strong and stick to your guns, this is a crucial moment.

Exactly this! This isn't a list of options to pick from by family consensus. It's basically the bare minimum you'd need to figure out if you want to work towards forgiveness or just walk. Now you need to add for your WW to get her family under control to the list too.

Butforthegrace posted 11/30/2019 17:38 PM

Tell her that since she and her mother apparently believe that you have been such a shitty husband that infidelity by her is justified, you'll be doing her the favor of ending the marriage so she can find the good husband she is lacking.

ramius posted 11/30/2019 23:22 PM

They also said that suggesting my wife has a polygraph (my wife told them) is irrational, as is an STD test, post-nup, etc. and, that I'm being emotionally abusive. They suggested that much of this has to do with unresolved bereavement issues that have been amplified by the affair!

my mother-in-law says to my wife she's surprised she didn't have an affair earlier after how I've treated her the past couple of years!

Looks like she has to make a choice. Her family, or you and her marriage.

Butforthegrace may be onto something. Force the issue. Without giving away your VAR info.

“You know what? I have been thinking. It seems like you, and your mother, think I am a POS husband. That I have treated you like crap. That I am emotionally abusive. And from your messages to the OM, you wished you could have married him. So it’s clear you think you can do better. But you what else? I know for damn sure I can do better than a wife who makes out with other men. So, you don’t want to meet my demands? Fine. Let’s just end it. Then we can both be free to pursue better partners.”

Once she cries and begs you to stay....”Then you better pull your head out of yours and your mothers ass and show me you want to save this marriage. Because right now it’s hanging on by a thread.”

All said calmly.

BSPheonix posted 12/1/2019 04:46 AM

Thank you. To complicate matters, the AP's wife has now contacted me, saying that they were/are attempting to reconcile and that he's said to her there have never been other women. She wants details but, if you've read above, you'll know that my wife knows I've made contact with her. Not sure how to play this. Discuss things with the OW by phone? I'm not thinking straight (been ill the past day) and, think this could make things considerably worse before they get better and, also, air all the dirty laundry in public (the OW lives close and teaches at my son's school; imagine parents evening...).

BSPheonix posted 12/1/2019 04:46 AM

Thank you. To complicate matters, the AP's wife has now contacted me, saying that they were/are attempting to reconcile and that he's said to her there have never been other women. She wants details but, if you've read above, you'll know that my wife knows I've made contact with her. Not sure how to play this. Discuss things with the OW by phone? I'm not thinking straight (been ill the past day) and, think this could make things considerably worse before they get better and, also, air all the dirty laundry in public (the OW lives close and teaches at my son's school; imagine parents evening...).

Alpargata posted 12/1/2019 05:19 AM

Hi there Phoenix, sorry to hear you are under the weather, hope you get better soon.

You should meet the obs as soon as possible, and bring with you hard copies of all your findings. It will make things easier for her if she decides to go through bank statements etc, as well as for you, since you now will be able to get both sides of the timeline.
E.g. You know she bought coffe and sandwiches at the hotel meetings, maybe he paid for the rooms. The obs could obtain that info from his bank statements and fill in some blanks.

Also at some point you might want to disclose to your wife that her AP was/is trying to get back with his wife to see how she reacts, though i suspect him trying to get back together with his wife is the only reason the A didnt continue.

Marz posted 12/1/2019 05:26 AM

Cheaters have one thing in common. They lie a lot.

It sounds like they've gotten together on this to keep their lies straight. (That's why you never warn the AP or your wife) I'd contact his wife and let her know of all the meet ups, etc. you don't have much resources for into.

Plus they still work together. Affairs are addictive if you get an addict around the source very often you get relapse. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll end.

Adults in an EA don't physically meet up that much for one kiss.

To reconcile you need the truth of what you're reconciling. I doubt you have it.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:48 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Marz posted 12/1/2019 05:30 AM

The hardest thing for you to get as others have said is your wife's nothing special. She's a very typical cheater.

If you've read and seen these situations enough you'd know they all follow the same script.

All facts you've posted point to a sexual affair.

Sorry but you need the truth.

Butforthegrace posted 12/1/2019 07:03 AM

Talk with the OBW by phone. Do it as soon as you can.

Robert22205https posted 12/1/2019 07:52 AM

Meet the OBS someplace like Starbucks or MacDonalds and share your evidence. Do not warn your wife.

Advise the OBS to insist on a polygraph test to put an end to this guy's lies.

The OM is using anger, indignation and outright denial to deflect (and bury) his inappropriate behavior.

Your wife is using a different strategy to deflect and avoid being held accountable for her inappropriate behavior. She's characterizing you as unreasonable and jealous and portraying herself as the victim. And her mother and friend are intentionally supporting her by piling on.

You and the OBS should be even more determined to find out the truth. Why? people with nothing to hide - hide nothing.

In this case, they are trying to hide everything.
Very very suspicious.

nekonamida posted 12/1/2019 09:54 AM

Don't listen to what her family is saying about you and don't accept your WW agreeing with them. Her mother is clearly an enabler and will continue to enable and prop up anti-R behavior from your WW. Do not give WW a pass because she's listening to her mother and set boundaries for yourself regardless of what her family is or isn't doing which should include her setting boundaries with them if R is on the table. If your WW will not do what you need for R, you will be taking steps towards D full stop and will only stop when she commits and starts doing the work.

For OBS, meeting in public is a great idea. Write down all of the important things that you know so that you can keep on track and not forget anything. Bring any proof if you have it.

Thumos posted 12/1/2019 10:55 AM

Meet with the OBS in public. Letting her know the truth and helping her will not complicate matters any more than they already are. The affair needs to be exposed, especially with your WW’s bother enabling her shitty moral choices. Read Proverbs 30:20 and then think about your wife and your MIL. This crap has been going on for thousands of years, and just like this.

As far as how your MIL and WW’s behavior, I like Butforthegrace’s advice. “You will start the list of nonnegotiables right now and you will do the entire package, or we’re done. This isn’t complicated. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s a dealbreaker for me. We can both agree to end this and I can go on to find a quality moral wife I deserve.”

Thumos posted 12/1/2019 10:58 AM

Also I’m curious since you mentioned being sick: is your wife making any effort to provide care for you or just sulking and wallowing in her little pity party? And what do you think about that?

ChamomileTea posted 12/1/2019 11:03 AM

VAR devices are in place now (Amazon Prime was worth it)...

Not to be an alarmist, but unless you've taken steps to hide your purchase, it's likely your WW will discover it. It's the holiday season afterall, and if you're both utilizing the same account, your order information is available. If you search online, Kim Komando has has a page on how to hide holiday purchases on Amazon. It's not possible to delete the purchase history, but you might be able to make it more difficult to find.

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