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UneedToSmile posted 11/30/2019 20:53 PM

What if no one wants me after we’re done??

[This message edited by UneedToSmile at 8:55 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

rebplay posted 11/30/2019 21:11 PM

I hear you. I’ve been wondering the same thing. I thought I’d be fine alone but now I wonder if I’ll have to grow old alone if nobody else wants me. Several people gave me encouragement to get ok with my self and being alone and that I don’t have to have someone else to be whole. I imagine it takes time to work up to that. Right now it’s scarey and I understand where you’re at.

WS is an Addict posted 11/30/2019 21:39 PM

That might be the #1 reason people stay in unhealthy relationships, fear of being alone. I struggle with it, too. But let’s play it out, what if no one did want you afterward? What if there was only you to take care of, only you to worry about, only your needs to consider...might not be so bad?

thatbpguy posted 11/30/2019 22:00 PM

Being alone is what one makes of it. There are clubs, volunteer work, several ways to meet new people.... Yeah, at the end of the day you go home alone, but it can be manageable.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/30/2019 22:18 PM

The most alone you will ever be in your life is when you stay with a cheater who doesn't know your worth. I was lonely my entire marriage. I didn't know he was cheating, but he devalued me every single day in order to give himself permission to cheat. The devaluing part I was aware of. It was awful. THAT is why I left. I was tired of feeling like s*** every. Single. Day.

I knew that there was a chance I would be alone for the rest of my life. That thought was way better than staying with a person who actively cut me down every day.

Beware of Love bombing and hoovering. It won't last. Your gut will know the difference.

You deserve to be loved and appreciated. If you are not getting that from your husband, I promise you being alone is better!! It really is! You will actually have a chance to like and love yourself. It's a pretty wonderful thing.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:20 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

weddingbelle posted 11/30/2019 22:30 PM

I guess my question would center around whether you wanted to chance going through this again. Truly, you'll have time for YOU and good friends. Maybe that's all you'll need. (((HUGS)))

UneedToSmile posted 11/30/2019 22:43 PM

Thank you all for your replies. The one thing that bothers my WH is when I say that I will find someone else. He thinks that shouldn’t even be in my realm of thought. I told him the reason I got married was because I liked the thought of having someone to grow old with. He started looking for a back up before I even knew what was going on, isn’t that fair? It’s hard for me to see a silver-lining in being alone. I have parented on my own for so long. I don’t like it......I know I can do it, but I want a partner. (((WhotheBeep)))you are right that the devaluing is too much! According to him I’m not social enough, I don’t like to have fun, and all his friends wonder why I’m so quiet. I take that to heart and now consider it a reason that no one else will want me. MY friends tell me I’m not that way, so I’m going to try to believe what they say. ALONE.....I’ve got to stop making it a totally negative thing. Thanks for the encouragement everyone

Adlham posted 11/30/2019 23:00 PM

One of my favorite movies as a teen was Some Kind of Wonderful.

There was a line that stuck with me for years. When i finally decided that I was worth more, it was one of the things I wrote on a piece of paper and stuck next to the mirror in my bathroom.

"Remember how I said I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. It's gonna feel good to stand on my own."

I was so much more alone when I was with my ex. He was an abusive cheater who tried to isolate me from friends and family.

Leaving him and regaining my self-worth was a long, hard road, but worth it. I did a lot of therapy to pull myself together.

And then I met my husband. 16 happy years and counting. He's a real grown up, too. It's made all the difference in the world.

UneedToSmile posted 11/30/2019 23:55 PM

Adlham....so happy for you, and I LOVE that movie! Lately I’ve been remarking how much my marriage started out like a Hallmark movie and ended up as an episode of Jerry Springer.😒

The1stWife posted 12/1/2019 02:55 AM

You don’t know you will end up alone.

And since women outlive men, the reality is some women could end up alone anyway. Or end up alone through a sudden passing of your spouse or partner.

I had a grandmother who had 3 wonderful husbands - all 3 passed before her. She was very lucky to find 3 men who loved her and treated her well. You just never know.

BTW stop listening to your negative inner voice. Someone out there will want you. It’s just a matter of how you look at it.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/1/2019 06:41 AM

I've already told you it's ok, and quite wonderful in a lot of ways, to be single. You answer to NO ONE. You want to stay in your pajamas the entire weekend? Do it. Want to hop in your car on a last-minute road trip? Do it! Want to go to happy hour by yourself and have interesting conversations with strangers? Do it. Want to splurge on a luxury item? Do it. Want to save every last penny for a long-term goal? No one will sabotage you.

That said, when I split from STBX (hell, even before that ) he told me no man would want a middle-aged woman with 3 kids and an aging body. That was supposed to get me to stay with him. I tell you, it propelled me forward in leaving. I knew I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then spend one more second with a man who could speak to me that way. Maybe he was right. I didn't care. And hey, since I sucked so badly as a human being, wasn't I doing him a favor by leaving???

So I left. And after a looonnnggg break, I was ready to date. I have met a wonderful man. He had his kids young, so they are grown and gone. We see each other when I don't have my kids. It's been 7 drama-free months, and eventually I'll introduce him to my kids. Everything WH said was bullshit. Except the aging body part. Yes my body is aging. So are the bodies of all the men my age, and older. SO is 9 years older than me, and the chemistry is off the charts. Yes we are attracted to each other, but chemistry has much more to do with who a man is as a human being to me. I suspect SO feels the same way.

By becoming single, you have the possibility true joy and fabulousness. Or you can stay with someone who describes you as a wet blanket, you know, so you aren't "alone"..

nekonamida posted 12/1/2019 10:08 AM

I truly believe that every BS who wants a new relationship after healing can and will get one. And it's usually much better than being with their WS was. If people in their 80s are getting married, some for the first time, there is hope for you when all of this is over and done with.

skeetermooch posted 12/1/2019 12:26 PM

UN,
I can completely relate to that fear of being alone - it's terrifying. Especially as I've gotten older and so many of my family members have pre-deceased me. There are literally only 2 relatives left for me and one is 15 years older. The other is pretty useless.

But what I've come to fear more, and what got me over the hump to kick him out, is the fear of being older than I am now, say 65 or 70, and going through this again, or worse, having him do a full-on discard to leave me for another woman down the road.

Can you imagine how much harder another DDAY will be, with many more years together, and all the accompanying sunk costs? Can you imagine starting over in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years?

Many mighty people on this site have done exactly that and I marvel at them, but I want to get out sooner rather than later, when I'm as young as I'm ever going to be and have the wherewithal to rebuild my life financially and socially.

I may not have another relationship and that's fine. I have friends who are my age and some are single via divorce or the death of their spouse. I can see the possibility of retiring to the same town or even rooming together ala the Golden Girls. I have a child in Europe - so I could live part of the year there with her.

What I don't want is to grow old with a man who continues to cheat on me. The emotional torture will surely cause a physical ailment and take years off of my life.

totallydumb posted 12/1/2019 12:57 PM

From a BH perspective, I wholeheartedly agree.

Who the hell wants to stay with a cheater?

I just had my 58th birthday yesterday, I am almost 2 years post d day and am alone.... but I am not lonely. There is a difference.

Yes, there are times where I can get those thoughts of not being with someone ever again. However if I only have a choice of a life with a cheating liar or being alone, I know what my choice is going to be every time.

hopefullife posted 12/1/2019 20:05 PM

This is something I'm now trying to come to terms with. I spent 2/3 of my life preparing and not getting scared of being alone. Solitude was my thing. Back then I knew I was going to just adopt a child. Then I met him (first bf, first husband) and spent 1/3 of it rewriting dreams, thinking I was so lucky to find a partner I could grow old with. How shitty luck it was.

Since separating from him I've been back to doing things on my own. Just the other day, I think I got hit on? My friends and I just tried this extreme sport. We talked with the others in the group and a guy asked about my bf and asked why he's not with me, saying bfs should always guard gfs like me. Maybe the guy was just making small talk but it made me feel that maybe I'm not so bad afterall. I'm not into dating at the moment, just focusing on my healing. But this infidelity shituation really upped my walls. Maybe one day.

UneedToSmile posted 12/1/2019 21:38 PM

I do try to picture a happy single life, but I have 3 kids with WH and sharing is a constant reminder that I will be punished for his wandering eyes (and other wandering parts). Tonight I agreed and even gave suggestions for finding somewhere for him to go. I was dying inside during this conversation, but I know it’s necessary. I don’t expect him to come begging for R anymore and I have to come to terms with that. I just hope he feels a fraction of the pain and uncertainty I have felt in the last 3 months. But I really don’t think he will. So sad that he can throw it all away so easily.

skeetermooch posted 12/2/2019 00:14 AM

Hi UNTS,
I know the future looks bleak right now. I felt the same way when my marriage to my son's father ended. He was a raging narcissist.

For a time I laid on the couch in the fetal position, short tempered with my kids and bitter about all the other women I had to hear about him seeing - but then I got busy with work. I started saying, yes to everything - social stuff, volunteering at my son's school, you name it I did it. And I grew a life - never thought it would happen but I was happy again and I grew to not give a flying f*** about my ex.

It was my second divorce. I had two kids, one with special needs - I thought no one would ever want me again - but it wasn't true.

I'll keep you in my prayers - you can do this!

SMSA925 posted 12/2/2019 14:23 PM

What if.....

You took all the time and energy you spent on POS WS and and your relationship and spent it on yourself. Immerse yourself in something that is for you alone. An advanced degree, a new career, a hobby, volunteer work, something to replace that loser. What if, after a few accomplishments you realized you are something special. You are the PRIZE! And you may enjoy your life so much that you dont wish to share it.

What if... theres something great out there for you? Something that doesnt have anything to do with someone else? Life is such an adventure, dont miss out!

blahblahblahe posted 12/2/2019 14:28 PM

Everyone fears that a bit I suspect, however, If I could find someone I have little doubt someone will find you as well.

It will take time, and you might have a few extra scars to carry (seems we all do), but you will manage just fine.

Chaos posted 12/2/2019 14:30 PM

UneedToSmile - YOU need to want YOU. Everything else will fall into place in its own time.

Remember - there is a difference between Alone and Lonely.

It is pretty ballzy to throw this out there in the form of the lowest common denominator. That tells me you are very worthy.