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I thought we were a team

landclark posted 12/2/2019 12:20 PM

My WH is out of town, again, and my emotions are all over the place. Not because I am worried about what he's doing, but from thinking too much, I guess.

Having to do all the household chores and all the care (and entertainment) for my son has made me realize how much my WH does around the house, and how much I appreciate that. It has also made me realize that even though it would be harder, I can absolutely do this on my own if need be (not that I really had any doubt since I've done it before, minus the kid).

Then it also has me thinking about how I thought we were a team. We're still teaming up to get stuff done, but it annoys me when I thought the whole time that the team was he and I, and now I know he always had pinch hitters on the side. The emotional support and stuff I turned to him for he was getting from others. I was getting the shitty parts of him, and others were getting the sweet, romantic, happy, wanting to talk, being interested and engaged, wanting to be with them, etc. Sure, I got the household chores, some of the shared household bills, the not so consistent interest in my son, etc., and they got everything else.

Anyway, it's just making me grumpy today and I really kind of dislike him a lot right now.

Hope everybody else is having a better day than me. Is it Friday yet?

The1stWife posted 12/2/2019 14:32 PM

How has he changed? If at alll

Justgetitoverwith posted 12/2/2019 14:37 PM

I hear you. This is one of the big illusions I was under too. Though in my case, I did everything for long stretches while he was on deployment or training, or just working elsewhere and couldn't commute. I'm not belittling your experience in any way, because I can tell you for sure that the longer you do it all yourself, the easier and more pleasant (or less unpleasant!) it gets. You're doing the hard bit, and it's just illuminating how they get the fun because you've been doing the shitty bits. And they have taken full advantage of that.

Exactly the same re interesting stuff. He's been so many lovely places, eating, drinking, sightseeing. All with other ppl, including the ppl he held hands with (Because they thought he was hot and he was lonely) and fantasized about and went out alone with, after her stealing him a bar glass he admired. Such great character and morals he goes for! Yet has once in 27 years has organised a short break abroad for us. And that was around the PA, so I reckon it was guilt talking.

Ive only been up a short while here, and am already grumpy because of an arsey and factually incorrect email from WH.Cant be arsed with it today!

betsy62 posted 12/2/2019 15:04 PM

I hear you too. It really is a crazy mind F%ck...
My X and I were also a great team. He used that phrase many times over the years.
The X had/has very serious health issues. Pretty much our entire 30 year M was focused on his health. I accepted my role as his caregiver. It is what you do when you are married.
We saw specialists galore over the years. The X would always, always, tell them that he could never do it alone. And, that he was grateful for me. And, that we made a great team!
I did almost everything for him. I took care of him, our house, I worked when I could. I thought we both understood the unique situation we had, and were working together. Being the team!
Then, he blew it all up. He kicked me out of his life.
Things did not work out with his AP, or the GF's,
He is now doing it on his own.
He risked everything, and lost.

landclark posted 12/2/2019 15:24 PM

I'm not belittling your experience

Oh, I don't take it that way. The longest stretch I've had to do it is 2.5 weeks. I can't imagine what military families go through. You have my admiration, truly.

I know my WH's work trips aren't always fun, but sometimes they are. He has gone on fun trips, and every time it was another woman he was updating on travel progress. Another woman he was staying up late to talk too and having phone/text sex with. Another woman he was checking in with. Another woman he wished was there with him (and I am not at all convinced he was always alone on these trips). I did spend a few days with him in Vegas one time, and saw on their secret Facebook that he told her he wished he had been there with her, and really didn't like it with me, that she would have made it better. We went on a trip as a family, and he told another woman it was terrible because I was just grumpy the whole time (I don't remember that being true at all). We went to Disney and yep, you guessed it, chatting with other women. So even our family trips, other women.

I dealt with him not paying his share of bills for years because money was tight, and I thought we were a team. Come to find out he was complaining to women about my spending habits while spending thousands on porn.

It is what you do when you are married.

Yep, exactly! It's amazing the shit we deal with thinking it's how marriage works and you're both in it together.

How has he changed? If at alll

Same stuff most say. Cutoff all APs, no secret accounts, complete access to phones, present and loving again to me and our son, IC (with more to come), paying his share of bills, etc. No new shady behavior at this point, but still a long ways to go.

Stevesn posted 12/2/2019 16:16 PM

Are you able to express these emotions to him? Itís important that he know what you are feeling. Communication is the bedrock of any good reconciliation plan. Dont hide your pain.

Justgetitoverwith posted 12/2/2019 16:24 PM

I dealt with him not paying his share of bills for years because money was tight, and I thought we were a team

Yeah, I understand this bit too. My wages were always spent on family stuff when he was away. His wages were our day to day living account. Which either of us could spend on. Yet his credit card always had a massive bill on it, which i paid off a few times from my second job, so that we weren't wasting money paying interest. Since I found him paying for three days in a fancy hotel room while abroad , using a card we had for a savings account but didnt use for anything else, I'm wondering how much of those bills was actually legitimate. And how much was for socialising with his inappropriate friends, or for inappropriate activities. Of course, I'll never know. Winds me up no end, the amount of stuff you look back on and have serious doubts about.

Mene posted 12/2/2019 16:32 PM

That realisation youíre no longer a team after years of marriage can be a massive kick in the guts.

landclark posted 12/2/2019 16:46 PM

Are you able to express these emotions to him? Itís important that he know what you are feeling. Communication is the bedrock of any good reconciliation plan. Dont hide your pain.

Youíre absolutely right. Usually when heís home Iím good about talking about my feelings. Right now we have limited contact due to him being gone and his crazy work schedule. Iíll talk to him when I can though.

PSTI posted 12/2/2019 17:20 PM

I'm sorry, landclark. I totally understand how you feel cheated out of that connection with him. Especially if he was complaining about you. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

Marriage isn't always sunshine and rainbows, and I think it says a lot when one partner doesn't understand that. My exH was the same way.

forthelifeofme posted 12/2/2019 17:34 PM

Iím almost 5 years out from the last major Dday and I often battle with the ďI thought we were a teamĒ. reality suck sometimes and infidelity steals so much from our story. Hindsight shows me that the team was mostly me, myself and I. He provided income and he felt he had the right to do as he pleased by going to other women for everything else

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