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He said he couldn't help me heal, he was right

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TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 10:41 AM

So my husband had an affair on April 13th, 2019. 6 days after his birthday, while away on a work trip. Not just 1, he decided to do the most and had an emotional affair with someone he works with via phone calls, text messages and pictures and a physical affair with someone who was also at the work trip he was on.

To be continued:

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/5/2019 10:55 AM

He can't heal you, but he most certainly could help.

landclark posted 12/5/2019 11:04 AM

He said he couldn't help me heal, he was right

I agree that he can't heal you, BUT, what he does now certainly has an effect on your healing. If he continues to be an ass, that certainly makes healing more difficult.

I always cringe when I see things like "Your WS can't heal you." No they can't, but they can certainly making healing easier or harder depending on their actions after dday.

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:08 AM


I understand that affairs and how they come to be is convoluted.. but I firmly believe (most days) that the choices he made were because of issues he has within himself and bot because of me. I acknowledge that I am not a perfect person, partner, spouse, etc. But I am a loyal friend and make myself try to be a better partner, friend, etc when I realize that there is something about me that could be improved, not only for my relationship, but for myself.
TBC

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:09 AM


I understand that affairs and how they come to be is convoluted.. but I firmly believe (most days) that the choices he made were because of issues he has within himself and bot because of me. I acknowledge that I am not a perfect person, partner, spouse, etc. But I am a loyal friend and make myself try to be a better partner, friend, etc when I realize that there is something about me that could be improved, not only for my relationship, but for myself.
TBC

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:12 AM

I could get into all the details, but I'm really hoping to have someone be able to meet me where I am now with dealing with all of this..
So here's where I am:
I've been in individual counseling since before the affairs because of reasons of my own personal growth and because I knew things weren't right between my husband and I. We have been together since 2010, got married in 2012. Our first 2 years were rough. Both just out of divorces, but I felt like I'd met my soulmate. I don't feel like soulmates are a real thing anymore. TBC

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:14 AM

The day after he got back from his work trip, he admitted what he'd chosen to do. This was after spending the entire first day acting as if nothing was an issue, even to the point of joking about my concerns.
He did eventually break down. He was upset. He was really down on himself and somehow in his apologies he admitted all the things I'd been right about along the way about how he treated me. Today, his attitude is a little different. I feel like he is tired of apologizing and talking about it. TBC

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:16 AM

. So much so, the last time something triggered me to get upset, he told me the only thing he could tell me was the same thing he would tell himself because he had no other tools to help me heal. That advice was to get over it. To choose to not let it keep bothering me.
He suggested that I need to find "supplemental emotional support". I feel betrayed again, but he was being honest. He has recently been coming to terms with some of his shortfalls too.
TBC

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:17 AM

So here I am..This morning I was feeling myself. Sending him "dressup" pictures and talking dirty. Then I got to work and got a notification that the person he had the emotional affair with sent a request to be a part of a group that I manage online.. we work in closely related/working organizations..
TBC

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:18 AM

I told him about it. He responded that he doesn't know what I want him to say..I told him that maybe this was one of the times he wants me to seek "supplemental emotional support ". I then told him I'd just tell myself that In an effort to try and be less reliant on him to try to help me feel better in these times, I'm going to tell myself that I'm sure he wishes that it didn't make me feel so shitty and that he's incredibly sorry when it does. I'm telling myself that he wants me to know how much he cares about how I feel and can't wait to see me to kiss my face. I told him that I'll just tell myself.

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 11:19 AM

I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Oldwounds posted 12/5/2019 11:23 AM

I acknowledge that I am not a perfect person, partner, spouse, etc.

No one is a perfect partner.

But only one of you chose to seek validation outside of the marriage, only one of you made the personal decision to break their vows and cheat.

Marriage doesn't cause cheating.

Most marriages need work, but there are all kinds of ways to make it better and infidelity is the worst way to express any supposed discontent with a partner.

That aside, you can't know what you want until your WS owns his behavior, his choices and is doing something about it to be a safer, better partner.

HellFire posted 12/5/2019 11:58 AM

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner for you?

Other than the internal work he needs to do,he should be..

Fully transparent. He answers all of your questions, without anger or defensiveness. With complete honesty. No matter how often you need to ask them.


He gets tested for STDs. And you see the result.

He finds another job. He shit where he eats. He can no longer work with the other woman. (You said the affair was during a work trip, so I'm assuming she is a coworker)

He opens up all of his accounts to you, and gives you the passwords. Email, Facebook, LinkedIn, and his phone.

He is accountable for his time when he is away from you.

He gives you a complete timeline of the affair.

He drops all friends who knew about the affair, but didn't tell you.

He understands has traumatised you. And healing from infidelity is a 3 to 5 year process.

!
And,of course, he sends her a NC email, and stays NC.


And that's just the short list. Basically he should be doing anyting, and everything, to help heal the damage he has caused.


I really hate this bullshit of the Wayward can't help you heal. Because it is just that. Bullshit. He may not be able to heal you, that's true. But he sure as shit could help heal the damage he has caused you. And it sounds like he is doing nothing, but throwing his hands up in the air, and telling you to get over it. He sounds unremorseful, and detached. You cannot heal in those circumstances. As long as he is behaving like this you need to do the 180, and detach from him.


Do not share this site with him.


Did you tell her husband about the affair?

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 12/5/2019 12:55 PM

His line

what do you want me to do about it
would send me running to the divorce attorney.

Have him read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair.

It will shed some light as to what he should be doing. If he really wants to save the marriage that is. You should read it as well. It may help you see what some cheaters do to turn things around.

MamaDragon posted 12/5/2019 13:23 PM

He can't heal you but he can help you overcome the pain but it will take work on his part.

I can't remember if you said if he was in IC as well. If he isn't, he should look into it.

In the healing library there is a bunch of things you can read up on that can help. Purchase the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair (I think that is the name) and have him read it.

Folks on here are pretty good about helping you out.

nekonamida posted 12/5/2019 14:55 PM

Hellfire has a great list of things he should be doing if he is remorseful and genuinely wants to fix this.

But I have a different question. How is your IC going? Do you feel like your therapist is appropriately addressing the A with you?

The reason I ask is because I find it extremely unnerving that you responded to his refusal to offer you even the most basic of emotional support. You accepted him being dismissive and then made a bunch of excuses for him. This sounds like codependent behavior and it will do you a massive disservice in R. TTMF, you can't process your emotions and heal if you so easily dismiss them and stuff them down. You have to work through them in order to process and heal. Just reminding yourself a bunch of excuses - some of which I genuinely doubt are true given your WS's current rugsweeping behavior - isn't going to make the pain go away.

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 16:39 PM

@cocoplus5nuts, I agree.

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 16:40 PM

@landclark, I absolutely agree.

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 16:45 PM

@Oldwounds, thank you for your feedback. Since this post is of course not all of the details, I will say that after he confessed, he did have a change in behavior. He started telling me what/where/when without being asked. He did it more frequently right after, but still does some of the time. He did go to individual counseling for about 4 visits... he agreed to go to couples counseling..and he has told me all along I have access to all of his things..but lately that has morphed back into, "you can look at any of my stuff, but don't come to me about any of it".

TryingToMoveForw posted 12/5/2019 16:48 PM

@Oldwounds He has apologized, but at this point he sounds like and has an attitude as if he doesn't have any apologies left to give. He has gone out of his way to do some of the things I've asked him to do.. but he has no patience at this point. For example. I hate feeling compelled to look at his phone.. it makes me feel crazy. I've never been that kind of person. But when I did recently look at his work phone, I saw a message to the one he still works with that he had the emotional affair with that simply read, "Great job!!". It hurt wayyy more than it should have in any other context.

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