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In Home Separation is... hard.

Incarnate posted 12/6/2019 03:31 AM

So here I am, at 1:30 am, sitting in my livingroom, monitoring my 14 year old autistic girl to make sure she doesn't eat anything before her dental surgery tomorrow. I heard her hollering and came out to monitor her so that the ex could sleep, since I had napped earlier.

The ex was in a foul mood, so i started to walk away and she lit into me, and I, of course, sadly rose to the occasion. We argued, she called me several versions of an asshole, and i told her i was just avoiding her presence like the plague that it was. She said she was concerned that the kids would be neglected while they were with me, and i countered with the abandonment and neglect she had shown during her affair until now. She, of course, lost her temper, so i told her to go to her room like she child she was acting like. A few shouted insults, a few slammed doors, and here I am again.

Yeah, I've abandoned her. She stopped doing any work on the house she is going to keep, and i am not inclined to do it for her. She is feeling that abandonment and assigning it to me abandoning the kids, but I haven't. I spend time with them, I care for them when she is away, I keep them happy and healthy. She does not.

I told her shes been claiming that she's a single mom forever, she may as well single mom it up. She told me to start acting like a father in any capacity. I realise shes just being an asshole, but it still cuts deep.

I need to get out of here asap. It's been almost four months. I'm looking at another 4-6 months of this.

This sucks.

demolishedinside posted 12/6/2019 03:46 AM

Yeah. Itís awful. Iím at 14 months. I just try to walk away. I spend a lot of time in my room. It hurts and is no way to live. We will get there.

ZenMumWalking posted 12/6/2019 04:49 AM

((((Incarnate))))

I hear you, ihs is its own special kind of hell. It makes it so much harder to detach, but detach you must.

I know it's hard, but you know what you need to do. Don't rise to her baiting you, you don't have to answer her. And find a way to get out of there as soon as is feasible. Better a box under a bridge than ihs!!

Sending you strength and mojo, you can do this.

((((Incarnate))))

dblackstar2002 posted 12/6/2019 06:33 AM

This is why I don't recommend this. It is almost as traumatic as D Day itself. If either of you have another place to say, You should go there! This will save your piece of mind. I have seen these type of separations go very south very quickly. I don't recommend them....

Justsomeguy posted 12/6/2019 08:59 AM

My skanky X and I did the nesting thing. It was hard. Even though we did not se each other, her spoor was everywhere. She can't keep a house to save her life, so every time i took over, i had to spend the first half cleaning. Anyhow, I was miserable until I got my own place. It's small, but it is a peaceful, almost with teens, place in which I can heal. Plus now i have a GF, it is a place that is all my own. No real echoes of the XWW. The kids know that she is not to step foot in here. Don't want it ruined by her presence.

Be strong. Get out ASAP and start your journey.

WornDown posted 12/6/2019 09:43 AM

i told her i was just avoiding her presence like the plague that it was

Niiice!

Yeah, I've abandoned her. She stopped doing any work on the house she is going to keep, and i am not inclined to do it for her. She is feeling that abandonment and assigning it to me abandoning the kids, but I haven't. I spend time with them, I care for them when she is away, I keep them happy and healthy She does not.

I told her shes been claiming that she's a single mom forever, she may as well single mom it up. She told me to start acting like a father in any capacity. I realise shes just being an asshole, but it still cuts deep.

Awwww, poor little snoogums is learning what life will be like without you to pick up the slack, and she doesn't like it. Not one bit...

Hang in there. Just stay NC as best you can and when you can't, just start back up. No one gets a medal for being perfect with NC at the end of your divorce.

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:44 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

MamaDragon posted 12/6/2019 10:02 AM

I could not do IHS. My temper is to flammable, so I admire your restraint.

I don't know what to say to help you out but...mind games works for me at work so maybe start imagining putting duct tape over your STBXW's mouth when she starts in on you...that way it makes you smile and she wonders what the hell is up with you.

OR....just avoid her at all possibilities and keep a var on you at all times.

maise posted 12/6/2019 11:00 AM

so i told her to go to her room like she child she was acting like.

Yes! 👏 👏 👏
Thatís exactly what that is - child behavior. The nerve of her to act any type of way toward you after being a cheater smh. Iím in IHS also and itís definitely hard. Whatís helped me the most was full on making it about me and my healing and the kids, and literally not giving a crap about how things ďeffect her emotionallyĒ and just full on detaching. Removing myself when she doesnít act right, Not speaking to her when she doesnít act right, telling her she needs to have her tantrum elsewhere when kids are around...

Sheís come a long way but not without a lot of me pressing my boundaries firmly and detaching hardcore.

Sending many positive vibes your way!!

barcher144 posted 12/6/2019 13:02 PM

I didn't mind the IHS separation all that much, although we had a fairly large house and I stuck to my area and she stuck to hers.

The other thing that really helped is that we imposed an informal parenting schedule. I had parenting duty on Mondays and Tuesdays and every-other Friday-Saturday-Sunday and she took the other nights. Then, when it was not my on-duty time, I got out of there. Even better, STBXW did something similar. So, pretty soon, our interactions were very very minimal.

As far your little argument, she's pissed off that you are no longer pining for her, that you are legitimately moving on. I recommend that you get into the habit of discussing nothing personal. Do not tell her what you had for dinner, what you dreamed about last night, the really funny joke that you heard at work, nothing. Make it all business.

You can do this.

p.s. Even though I didn't mind IHS much, being out of the house is better. I would do that if you can. I had to take a second job to afford it, but it's better than IHS.

EllieKMAS posted 12/6/2019 13:28 PM

Ugh I'm sorry Incarnate... Try your best to leave her bait on the table when she does that shit. One because it is way healthier for YOU, but also because it will drive her crazy.

Just keep swimming - 4 months will be here before you know it!

crazyblindsided posted 12/6/2019 13:45 PM

It is very hard I'm on month 3 and it has nearly pulled me under. 2 more months to go and I am terrified that I won't be able to make it on my own

leavinglimbo2019 posted 12/6/2019 22:49 PM

I donít know how to quote othersí responses. Help?

Anyway, barcher144, the parenting schedule is a great idea. I am also IHS and frustrated. When I implement a schedule, heíll be doing more parenting than he has in years. Iím going to write it up to limit discussion.

I have still been doing too much for him. Tonight though I texted him a list of things he needs to do before work, including the food I shopped for that he can cook himself for his lunch. Yes, I admit I almost cooked it for him and then reconsidered. Iím not his cook and maid anymore!

Good luck to all in IHS! It sucks!

EllieKMAS posted 12/6/2019 22:58 PM

LL2019 - to quote:

Highlight the portion of text you wish to quote and hit ctrl+c, then click into the typing box and hit ctrl+v. Re-highlight it inside the text box, then click on the 'quote' button directly to the left.

barcher144 posted 12/7/2019 10:42 AM

Anyway, barcher144, the parenting schedule is a great idea. I am also IHS and frustrated. When I implement a schedule, heíll be doing more parenting than he has in years. Iím going to write it up to limit discussion.

Also, the parenting schedule has had numerous other benefits.

First, it got the kids used to their parents watching them separately in a less intimidating way.

Second, it gave me an opportunity to adjust to being a single parent. Suddenly, I had to get my kids ready for school on my own (no help!) on my parenting days.

Third, and perhaps most importantly for me, it gave me really great solid evidence during a custody dispute of what I could or could not handle as far as being a single parent. STBXW has claimed that I am completely incompetent as a parent... which is super-easy to dispute with a simple response of "then how did I manage to do it then for the last year?" More recently, STBXW claimed that I can't handle all three kids at the same time. Uh, I took them to my parents' house last year for Christmas and this year for Thanksgiving. That's 10 hours in the car, each way. Yeah, she looks crazy with that accusation.

In your case, leavinglimbo2019, I can envision a couple of positive outcomes. First, he will learn that being a single dad is very very difficult. This might "soften him up" for divorce negotiations. Second, it will give you an opportunity for you to have a "New Beginning" as the other forum is titled.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 10:45 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

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