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Lack of healing

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JimBetrayed62 posted 1/5/2020 08:21 AM

Yes for the most part; there is one old FB profile Iíve not checked out in a long time. Iíve never seen anything untoward when I have looked.

sisoon posted 1/5/2020 11:17 AM


I recommend looking at this thread:

It's for BSes who found out about the A long after it was over. I think it may be relevant because you want to deal with an old A now.

Butforthegrace posted 1/5/2020 12:46 PM

You probably realize from reading here that what you did in the aftermath of your DDay(s)was what is generally referred to here as rug-sweeping. It is possibly the worst thing that a BS can do. The trauma from the A, without healing, festers in the soul. The mind movies linger. Etc. A decade or so later, the BS finds himself right where you are.

Meanwhile, the WS has probably internalized and self-forgiven. She probably doesn't think about the A at all, or hardly ever (and then only when you remind her). She probably has absolutely no concept of how profoundly this remains with you.

You are on the brink of taking steps to end the marriage. I suggest radical honesty with your WW (I won't give her the "fWW" title) and explain to her that this problem has never gone away nor diminished; you simply internalized it for the purpose of raising the kids, but now you are at a crossroads where it needs to be dealt with head-on, or the marriage needs to end.

RocketRaccoon posted 1/5/2020 23:53 PM


I sense that you have been hitting the stash of Hopium pretty hard.

You are hoping that you will get your wife back. Sorry, not going to happen, at the current course you guys seem to be on.

You WW is still holding onto the broom pretty hard, trying to rugsweep as long and as hard as he can.

Without being able to confront the horrors she released onto you, she will never be safe for you. These unresolved issues fester over time. They do not disappear.

The ideal situation is that she goes into IC as soon as possible, and the IC helps her confront and deal with the demons she is facing, or you will not have a chance in hell at a successful R.

As for you, best stay off the Hopium. Stop wishing for things to sort themselves out. Take active steps to get out of infidelity (you are still in it as long as the WS does not sort their shit out, as the AP is still around in spirit). Once the spirit of the AP is expunged from your lives and thoughts, then you will be out of infidelity.

Robert22205https posted 1/6/2020 13:06 PM

IMO after all this time, your wife will not voluntarily cooperate unless she truly believes you are ready to divorce unless she gives you what you need.

I suggest you provide her with some of the books suggested on here that explain what her betrayal did to you and what she needs to do.

She needs to understand that she needs to fix this and no more rugsweeping.

Robert22205https posted 1/6/2020 13:09 PM

To creat urgency and send a strong message consider letting her know you're speaking with an attorney and researching a life without her.

Insist on a timeline of her affair subject to a polygraph test.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:10 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

JimBetrayed62 posted 1/11/2020 14:25 PM

I want to thank everyone on this thread for your help and encouragement. As always, there is no substitute for action, so I confronted her on this issue and it has lead to several productive conversations that I believe are putting us on the road toward reconciliation. Iím getting the book ďhow to help your spouse heal from your affairĒ by McDonald and she will be reading it as I read some books on marriage and how husbands can show love to their wives. Not arrived by any stretch of the imagination, but I am seeing a way forward, and your advice and support encouraged me to take these steps.

Marz posted 1/11/2020 15:28 PM

My wife couldnít have sex with me on our wedding night. She wasnít a virgin / she just emotionally could not.

Was she in the affair when you married? That may have been a reason.

We have five grown kids and I donít really want a divorce. I just want a passionate, wholesome marriage with confidence and trust that all is behind us.

Any chance any of your kids belong to the OM?

I think your problem is upfront most BSís just want them back without putting any thought as to what you're getting back. Later it sometimes turns into buyers remorse.

You need the full truth about everything. You can deal with the truth. You canít deal with the unknown.

Itís way past time to have a long thorough and in-depth discussion if you want to move forward. She owes you that.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:29 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/11/2020 15:32 PM

I read some books on marriage and how husbands can show love to their wives. Not arrived by any stretch of the imagination, but I am seeing a way forward, and your advice and support encouraged me to take these steps.

With this black hole youíve lived with itís no wonder you havenít been able become the husband you should be.

Fix that.

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