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So I'm officially having a breakdown

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skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 13:39 PM

Last night he called and I answered and yeah, as anyone could guess craziness ensued. I had had a glass and a half of wine - not a drinker so I was tipsy.

I decided I was going to go along with whatever he said, ask a lot of questions and not react as I usually do. Usually, I just shut down the crazy talk but I thought it might be edifying to learn just how far his crazy went, what he truly wanted and believed about me and our marriage, etc.

Mid-way through I realized there is absolutely no hope of ever reconciling, which I thought I already knew but my heart is still playing catch up with my brain. By the end I was fucking feeling like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

He was pleased that I finally accepted responsibility for his cheating and agreed going forward I would be more affectionate and sexually aggressive, give him autonomy to "schmooze" with whoever he needed to schmooze with for work (aka take young females out), not question his comings and goings.

I realized that I wasn't just going along with what he was saying as a sociological experiment - part of me was truly engaged. I was trying to see if I conceded to everything and accepted all the shit sandwiches, if then he would love me, respect me, act like the man I fell in love with - fuck, even apologize for cheating on me for our entire marriage.

Yeah, not so much. He thanked me for finally coming around and working on the marriage and said goodnight without so much as a sorry I fell into all of those vaginas.

So, today I feel like a worthless, spineless piece of pond scum. I'm ashamed to be a part of this website - I'm not as strong as the rest of you, nor as mentally healthy. I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing and I don't know how to escape this limbo. Its masochistic and insane.

EllieKMAS posted 12/11/2019 14:44 PM

So, today I feel like a worthless, spineless piece of pond scum. I'm ashamed to be a part of this website - I'm not as strong as the rest of you, nor as mentally healthy. I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing and I don't know how to escape this limbo. Its masochistic and insane.

You are NOT pond scum Skeet!! And believe me, a lot of us (definitely me) were not the badass bitches you know and love today when we first got here either. I was a total clingy WS-excusing farking disaster!

You will get there eventually, but Skeeter honey - IF you stay with this man, he will NEVER love you and respect you the way you deserve to be loved, respected, and treated. You know that, but sometimes it helps seeing it in black and white.

Stay your course. Limbo ends when you steer your boat out of that whirlpool. Sucks, but is also freeing to know that the power to get out of it is within your own damn self.

He was pleased that I finally accepted responsibility for his cheating and agreed going forward I would be more affectionate and sexually aggressive, give him autonomy to "schmooze" with whoever he needed to schmooze with for work (aka take young females out), not question his comings and goings.
WTAF. Like fucking seriously?????? I know you know this, but this is some grade-A cheaty ass BULLSHIT right here girl. And you do not have to settle for this crap because you are worth so much more than this.

said goodnight without so much as a sorry I fell into all of those vaginas.
OMG

Chin up Skeet. This is the hard part, that initial break. Once you get past that and start getting into calmer water, trust me, you will start feeling better!

SlapNutsABingo posted 12/11/2019 14:51 PM

My God! The narcissism and manipulation of this Tater Nuts... You need to leave this "Softball Guy" and get yourself to a new place in life before he destroys all that is good in you.

3greatkids posted 12/11/2019 14:52 PM

I’m sorry. The mind games of cheaters wreck havoc on our mental stability; it helps them stay in control and keeps you off balance. But you’re here, processing it, and know that it’s crap for you to concede. You’re doing the best you can, and will find a clear way ahead when you are ready.

WS, after cheating for 26 years of a 25 year sham “marriage”, still working for the boss he got caught sleeping over with last year, and fresh from yet another D day with yet another woman last week, was screaming at me with regards to not providing a timeline or leaning into (or caring about) triggers that I “can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip”. Talk about a light bulb moment. He has no humanity and nothing to give. I know this, but I haven’t been able to comprehend this. Until now.

It’s sickening.

DevastatedDee posted 12/11/2019 15:02 PM

So, today I feel like a worthless, spineless piece of pond scum. I'm ashamed to be a part of this website - I'm not as strong as the rest of you, nor as mentally healthy. I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing and I don't know how to escape this limbo. Its masochistic and insane.

You've been with this dude for a while, how on earth could you maintain mental health? This kind of mindfuckery doesn't exactly make a person strong either. So stop bashing yourself for not being whatever mental image you have of who you should be. You are a human being with real emotions dealing with a really shitty situation. I certainly don't expect you to be firing on all badass cylinders right now.

He craps on your self-esteem enough without you helping him do that. You are on the path to helping yourself and I can see that in what you're writing. You know who and what he is and you know that there's no "there" there to work with. You know that going along with him is not going to fix anything. That is clarity. That is step 1 on the road to strength.

Be kind to yourself. This is not an easy road for any of us. We all have moments we wish we could take back and things we wish we had said and so on. We all have times we look back on and feel like a fool over. You're in good company on that front.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/11/2019 15:08 PM

Tell him you found a lawyer who's going to squeeze allllll the blood from his turnips.

Westway posted 12/11/2019 15:24 PM

All you need to tell him when he askes you about it is " I don't ever remember saying that. You must be mistaken. I'm divorcing your sorry ass."

Gaslight him and make him feel like he's the crazy one.

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 15:30 PM

You all are the best. Thank you for not shaming me for doing a bizarre masochistic pick me dance.

This new low prompted me to look for in-patient treatment for trauma, codependency and depression and I found a place in my state that has a solid reputation.

Veering between extremes - clarity and badassry to pick me dancing after a glass of wine makes me feel so utterly unstable. I'm embarrassed af. He's over there going to work, traveling, setting up lunch dates, meeting friends for drinks - fully functional - who's the crazy one here? Me.

If my insurance will pay this place I'm going to go.

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 15:31 PM

All you need to tell him when he askes you about it is " I don't ever remember saying that. You must be mistaken. I'm divorcing your sorry ass.

I have so much anger right now for what he's done to me. I really want to just blindside him with divorce papers like blindsided me.

Marz posted 12/11/2019 15:42 PM

Put a Christmas card in with the d papers and have them served

nekonamida posted 12/11/2019 15:46 PM

He thanked me for finally coming around and working on the marriage and said goodnight without so much as a sorry I fell into all of those vaginas.

Can't say I'm surprised. This is exactly what he wanted. When a WS blames their BS for the As and expects them to fall in line for R, this is always their goal. They will gladly wait around for their BS to "get it" and take the fall for as long as the BS allows it.

Just because you said you would do it doesn't mean you owe him a single thing. File the D papers. Go ahead and blindside him. He certainly deserves it.

DevastatedDee posted 12/11/2019 16:03 PM

I have so much anger right now for what he's done to me. I really want to just blindside him with divorce papers like blindsided me.

I'm so down with that idea. He more than deserves it.

DevastatedDee posted 12/11/2019 16:04 PM

Veering between extremes - clarity and badassry to pick me dancing after a glass of wine makes me feel so utterly unstable. I'm embarrassed af. He's over there going to work, traveling, setting up lunch dates, meeting friends for drinks - fully functional - who's the crazy one here? Me.

One of you has normal human emotions. The other...doesn't. It's easier to carry on like all is well if you're a bit narcissistic and lack empathy.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/11/2019 16:56 PM

I absolutely agree with WestWays suggestion. When he brings it up, just say that you never had that conversation and that he's crazy for evening believing that. You should gaslight him like. And then tell him that you told him that you were divorcing him and he must have forgot.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/11/2019 17:10 PM

He was pleased that I finally accepted responsibility for his cheating and agreed going forward I would be more affectionate and sexually aggressive, give him autonomy to "schmooze" with whoever he needed to schmooze with for work (aka take young females out), not question his comings and goings.

I can't believe there are people that actually navigate their way through life thinking this way. What losers!!!

I agree. Totally blindsid him with divorce papers. Tell him you told him all about them. Tell him he's crazy for forgetting. Look him up and down with disgust when you do this.

Then walk away and go no contact. Period.

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 19:11 PM

They will gladly wait around for their BS to "get it" and take the fall for as long as the BS allows it.

That describes him to a T. Waiting around for me to get it - right because the 7 trillion hookers he saw should be swept under the rug. I didn't rub his back enough - that's the real crime here.

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 19:15 PM

He's getting the blindside.
I don't know what he thinks he brings to the table but it's not enough to warrant the crap he dishes out. I make more than he does, I have more than he does. I do not need him in any way. He underestimates me and overestimates himself if he thinks I need him emotionally.

Even though I'm all over the place and a hot mess, I'm still clear on one thing - I love him not living in my house anymore. I've not gone to bed one night wishing he were here or woke up one morning wishing he were here - even when I've been really wobbly.

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 19:29 PM

You know that going along with him is not going to fix anything. That is clarity. That is step 1 on the road to strength.

Yes, D.
That's true. I got next level clarity. I kept hoping he'd find genuine remorse after I kicked him out and began communicating very minimally but he didn't so I tried conceding and he still doesn't get. He believes this is more painful for him than it is for me.

It's like he sees his cheating as a necessary wake-up call to get me to change my horrible ways. It's so delusional - maybe that's why I freaked out today and felt so terribly - I finally saw that there isn't anybody human home in him. There is never going to be hope because he's so disordered. That was kind of heart breaking.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 7:31 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 12/11/2019 20:26 PM

Yes! Yes! Yes! On the inpatient treatment!!!! I went and OMgosh it helped so much!!!! I actually got a 2 week outpatient and it helped so so much. They took my ins and I got to pay out my part over several months. So many in my group had discovered their spouses cheated! Every single person was normal, but had been dealt a hard blow recently—cheating spouse, one man had lost his grandson, one person was a cop, etc.

Getting 2 weeks help was like a year of weekly counseling sessions. The counselors were so knowledgeable and helpful. They gave us so many tools to process this trauma.

No one should ever have to experience what you and the rest of us have experienced. You can get thru this. Thank goodness he’s not living with you and you can create a safe zone in which to heal.

((((skeeter))))

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 20:36 PM

Homewrecked - thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so happy to read this!

The first place I talked to, that sounded wonderful, doesn't take my insurance, but they referred me to a place in the state right next door that does - they're going to call tomorrow with the details - I think my co-pay will be doable.

This trauma is bringing up all the trauma, not that it's not enough on it's own to warrant intensive treatment. But, I've been revisiting my sister's passing and right after dday, I remembered being raped by someone I knew at 15. Once it popped into my head, it all flooded back, every detail as if it had been hermetically sealed in a box for forty years.

It's all too much to get on top of in weekly therapy sessions. And with a divorce in my near future I need to be so much stronger.

And - you are a badass with serving those divorce papers! My hero!!

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 8:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

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