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Not myself anymore

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Why1976 posted 12/11/2019 22:46 PM

Hi all merry Christmas

6 weeks ago I found out
I found texts on her phone, confronted her and she said that it was a bit of excitement THAT ALL...
Oh sorry, she said that she doesn't know who it was... CANT BELIEVE THAT

I work 60+ hours a week to provide for my family. But always still seem to struggle.

She has shown remorse and has been up front about things (hopefully not hiding anything) she quit her job because that's where they met, she shows me her phone, she does seem to be trying.but the trust just isn't there anymore.

When I'm not with her it's always going through my mind, what is she doing...

I HATE that I feel like this
I know this is a clichť but I honestly thought we were soul mate and that we would grow old together

I want things to be how they were,
Not only have I lost the trust but she was truly my best friend

Things feel FAKE NOW
Maybe she's trying too hard or not hard enough
But thing are so different now

We started to have sex again about 3 weeks ago
But that's different aswell

It seems like she's just lying there
You know lie back and think of england...

In my head is..
What's she thinking of or who?

She says she's happy and that she's going to make it up to me, but it al seem like an act
Our relationship has gone

I now find myself questioning everything

Maybe it's just me. Letting my mind play tricks on me

Whatever it is, I hate it
My life completely changed in a blink of a eye


I can't see my self without her

Seem that everyone I love leaves me
This time I think I'll leave them PERMINATLY.


The pain, the emptiness the hate the anger

I was filled with love joy happiness I would help anyone, now there's only anger at the world

I need my life back to how it was

allusions posted 12/12/2019 00:45 AM

Hello why1976. I know you are working an insane amount of hours per week but it's extremely important for you to take care of yourself right now. Please find a therapist who can help you work through this trauma you've experienced.

If there is any chance of you reconciling with your wife she needs to see a therapist on her own so she can work on why she thinks it's ok to betray you. She needs to stop lying to you and tell you the truth.

It doesn't sound like you have the whole story. with that in mind, it's important that you get checked for STDs. She needs to as well.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 12/12/2019 02:21 AM

You ARE have the power to let others take that away...or not. DON'T let anyone take YOU away!!!

You can't go back...NONE of us can. The A took so much from my H...and he wishes he could go back and never had the A...but that will never happen. What CAN happen moving forward in an authentic M .

You are still so raw from this trauma (((HUGS))). But as time goes will see that you really won't want things back to how they were...because back was all FAKE. IF both spouses are ALL IN for R...then a stronger and more authentic M can happen...I'm proof of that . Anything short of BOTH of you being all just a waste of time.

You CAN feel joy and happiness again. The most important feeling is PEACE . YOU will survive infidelity...I promise!!! Your M might not...but that just means there are BETTER adventures ahead !!!

pureheartkit posted 12/12/2019 04:23 AM

Glad you came here.

Yes, we don't feel like ourselves at all. I didn't. Everything felt changed. Yes, I wanted my life back too. I mourned my former life. I didn't want a different life at all.

You need to be patient. You are going to be healing from a great wound. There will be difficult feelings. Your feelings may be all over and change rapidly. Let them come. You must make your health a priority. She needs to make you a priority.

In this unhappy time there is a truth. That truth is that you can be happier, healthier, more aware than you were before. Going through this can bring great insight and self awareness. It's not fun, no. It's very painful. I would not wish it on anyone. But you can use this to grow if you choose to. You can find what is most important to you as a person. You can practice virtues. Your partner rises with you or you go on alone.

Regardless, you are now on a healing path. You will become stronger. Just take your time. Be kind to your body. Eat well. Sleep. Read in our healing library. You are only at the start. It takes time.

The sadness and anger so strong. It is temporary. You have still so much to give the world. When you are healed and stronger, you will have so much more. All your best qualities are still there. All your experience and skill is still there. All your humanity is still there.

It is still so fresh, so recent. Be kind to yourself. You are not lost, just wounded. Pain brings all kinds of thoughts. Keep your focus on who you know you are, who you want to be. Practice things that relieve stress. You are not diminished in any way by someone else's choices.

cancuncrushed posted 12/12/2019 07:53 AM

I wish I had the answer to this common feeling. I donít.

I have been in this turmoil for a long time. This is how I feel also. I wonder if it hurts more because we give too much.

I am at this place now. Still. I didnít want my world completely changed. Against my will.

I have noticed in all my research. This is very very common. Again I donít have that answer. But itís interesting how so many people want their life back.

Even when you know the flaws. When you struggle. When your spouse has issues. Sometimes
Itís best you canít go back.
Some damage cannot be repaired. That doesnít mean you donít miss the life you created. Itís not all. There were Some things you enjoyed.

Itís grieving. I canít change mine back. Now I study grieving. How to let go.

Your not alone in this. Read read read. Knowing and understanding the process helps pull you out.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:57 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

deephurt posted 12/12/2019 08:43 AM

Everything you are feeling is normal. We have all been where you are. Unfortunately healing from infidelity takes time-and a lot of it. There is no rushing it. You will have to move through the stages as they come and feel what you feel. If you try to rush it, it will be rug sweeping and you wonít actually heal.

Be gentle and patient with yourself. Find a good IC to talk to. It will help. Feel free to discuss anything here and vent as much as you need. Read the healing library here. Donít accept anything less than what you deserve going forward.
Ask questions and read. You will learn a lot about infidelity and your wayward spouse.

If you are looking to R, you need a truly remorseful spouse. One that will be transparent and truthful in everything. Answer all your questions and find out why they did what they did. What was their character flaw that they needed outside validation. Why they would betray the person they love.

This bit the best place to be to help you in this horrible journey of healing from the worst betrayal.

There is no need for you to even decide what you want to do with your m right now. Just take one day at a time and concentrate on your own healing.

thatbpguy posted 12/12/2019 08:52 AM

Why196, have you told her everything you did us? And as bluntly?

It could be she doesn't know how to respond to the hurt she knows she has laid on you.

But more so, I think it's other things.

To begin with, she needs you home more. One of the things I faulted myself for when my WW left was that I was working too many hours. My excuse was that I was being a good husband by providing for my family. Turns out she needed me more, and not the money I was making. And has that changed? If not, she's still stuck in that trap and is probably bored silly.

Another thought is that she may still be at it, contacting other men, or maybe she wasn't honest with you and that has her feelings for you muted.

My suggestion is to take the bull by the horns, have a discussion with her as to how she views the state of the relationship and then what you two need to do to really reconcile.

sisoon posted 12/12/2019 09:21 AM

Welcome to SI.

In the upper left of SI pages, you should see a heart button for donations. Under that you should see a list of links, one of which is The Healing Library. I suggest you take a look at the offerings, especially 'What every WS Needs to Know'. That article can give you a lot of guidance.

A couple of critical points:

1) You don't really want to go back to 'the way it was.' That means you go back to being vulnerable to an A. If R works for you, it has to be to become way less vulnerable to another A.

IMO, what you need now comes under 2 headings. First, you need to accept the grief, anger, fear, and shame that comes with being betrayed and process the feelings out of your body. Second, your W needs to change herself from betrayer to good partner.

2) You can't shortcut the process. Being betrayed is traumatic, and it takes time to recover. Think in terms of needing some time to take in the trauma, which is awful (as you know), followed by a slow return to a new normal. Think in terms of 2-5 years for recovery. Reconciliation may take longer.

You won't feel as bad as you do now for 2-5 years, but it generally takes that long to get back to a new normal.

In other words, give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.

Is there any way you can cut your hours?

Why1976 posted 12/12/2019 14:30 PM

Thank you all they are all good things you have all said she is trying I do see that but I feel different I see differently I'm not sleeping well, well you can imagine what sort of nightmares I'm having but I truly love her but as this is the sixth time you wouldwould think I could deal with this... The other times she had been drinking each time that's why this one is so hard to swollow she hadn't had a drop and as I said before she says she doesn't know who was texting her to me that means anyone or anything other than me
That hurts more

Again thank you your messages have helped smooth the corners on things

Walkingthewire posted 12/12/2019 15:54 PM

Hey Why1976
Iím sorry youíre here, welcome to the club no one wants to be a part of.
I am a year out from Dday and 14ish months from his actual affair.
Iím not the same person I was last year and I never will be. I thought this would never happen to us. We both love each other and rely on each other. Soulmates, great lovers, got along without argument 90% of the time. We have been together for 18 years.
But it did. He wishes he could go back and change his mind that night. Say no thanks for free drinks. But he canít.
We will never be the same and we canít go back, we can only move forward.

But I do get that you feel like it all was a lie. The whole relationship a sham, question the WS on everything. What he says, does, heís 15 minutes late coming home, is it traffic or was it something or someone else.

Know that youíre not alone, youíre in a safe place, and all these feelings youíre having are unfortunately normal. SI has been a saving grace for me. I chose to tell no one, but we all need someone to talk to and itís easier to talk to people who have been where you are. I know youíre working crazy hours but see if you can see someone. Marriage counseling was a huge help for my H and I. I also do individual counseling if I need it.

crazyblindsided posted 12/12/2019 18:31 PM

Nope I don't even recognize myself anymore. Infidelity is a soul killer and if you are lucky enough to get an unremorseful and NPD spouse then you get extra trauma on top of trauma. Jaded doesn't even begin to scrape the surface.

somanyyears posted 12/13/2019 09:05 AM

.. "this is the sixth time and you'd think I could deal with this."

You might want to really RE-THINK this relationship... "soul mates???

She wanted 'a bit of excitement, that's ALL!!!

Sorry you are here... read and learn...


sisoon posted 12/13/2019 10:49 AM

...Or ... 6 times? If you want a monogamous M, what makes you think this is the last A? What has she changed?

She cheats because of her own issues. Unless she changes herself from cheater to good partner, she'll continue to cheat.

destroyed1 posted 12/13/2019 11:29 AM

Hi all merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you too.

I'm gonna give you your gift early this year. My gift is advice on how to move forward.

(I have no idea if you are married or not)

If Married:

Find a divorce attorney and have her served. Get the fuck away from her.

If not Married:

Decide who stays and who leaves. Divide assets fairly. Get the fuck away from her.

You cant be soulmates with a person who has no soul.

The sooner you understand this the better.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 11:31 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Why1976 posted 12/18/2019 23:24 PM

Thank you all for your advise

The story thickens

I told you she said that she didnt know who it was

Well i managed to get into her smashed phone

I got this guys number
I arranged a meet with him

Turns out that its been going on for a few months not days SURPRIZE

she also said that it was just texts


he had pictures

It was wierd to talk to the guy that has been playing around with your wife
Part of me wanted to beat the crap out of him but i realised while yes im angry at him it wouldnt of jappened if my ww wasnt wayward

Anyway i went back to my ww and confronted her at fir asking her again to give her a chance to come clean. But she still said that she didnt know who it was.

Then i brought out a selffie i had taken with him her face dropped

Then she had the nerve to start having a go at me...
Oh then i showed her the pictures that he had

She burst into tears and dropped to the floor

Head in hand sobbing saying she was sorry and that she wanted to be with me

Ive told her to get out but she wont leave she wants to fix things make things better

I told her that she needs to go and find out what she really wants you know if you love them set them free if they love you they will return

Not that im sure i want her now
Before it was just texts
Now physical comes into it

I do truely love her but its not her anymore
When we met she was loving caring ect
But this is a whole different her
Lying to my face over and over

Crap sorry going to be late for work ill continue later

Marz posted 12/18/2019 23:34 PM

Bud, right now she's in self preservation mode. Pretty common. That usually doesn't last.

Google serial cheater. This is just her latest rodeo. I suspect you only know the tip of the iceberg. Just because you know doesn't mean it'll end. If they still work together it may continue. You should wake up to what you're dealing with.

One thing all cheaters have in common is they lie a lot.

Do yourself a big favor and inform the other mans wife if he's married.

Get std testing done. With her track record your health maybe in danger.

Why1976 posted 12/18/2019 23:42 PM

Sorry just to add

You all proberbly guessed already I'm a secretive caring family guy I don't drink, or like going to the pub the last time I had a fist fight I was 23

The other guy
Is a builder, drinks like a fish and gets into fights all the time and it's this that she found or finds attractive



I can't compete with that
I haven't got a nasty bone in my body

Marz posted 12/18/2019 23:48 PM

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF and it's short.

You don't have to be a bodybuilder to be tough minded guy.

You can't fix her but you need to take care of yourself.

You and your kids deserve better.

Marz posted 12/18/2019 23:51 PM

She has shown remorse and has been up front about things (hopefully not hiding anything) she quit her job because that's where they met, she shows me her phone, she does seem to be trying.but the trust just isn't there anymore.

Doubtfull. What's her track record tell you.

Sounds like she's just laying low until it blows over like the times before.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:51 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 12/18/2019 23:53 PM



I can't compete with that

Why would you? There are better women out there.

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