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My (31F) husband (31M) had an emotional affair with an officer during his deployment

My husband (Adam) is an enlisted member in the military and returned from a half a year deployment recently. During the entire deployment he had hid/lied about a female (Eve) officer who was also his supervisor and the extent of the relationship he had with her.

Prior to him leaving the female had messaged him to ask questions in regards to her deployment. I expressed concern and telling him I was uncomfortable with the conversation because it was unprofessional and if she was going to be his supervisor there should more of a professional conversation that should be had. For those that don't know, there are extensive rules/regulations on fraternization with an enlisted military member & an officer. In order to protect his career and his position, I felt like having a professional phone conversation was so much better to do instead of texting, though there might not have been anything that came from it, I didn't want him to chance it.

Since the deployment was super short notice I had to figure out work things. Put my career on hold, pause school and knew I was going to have to take care of the two children by myself so had to make the adjustments to accommodate this and help them through this transition of their father leaving.

We were lucky to be able to video chat and message pretty consistently. We still got into arguements about trivial stuff. The kids were having a hard time adjusting and I was feeling him pull away. I still made sure that he would have time to talk to his children to make sure they both could still have a good relationship even if it was a video chat for 30 minutes here or there. About half way thru the deployment I had brought up Eve and asked him if they work together and if she was his supervisor still.

Adam denied working with her and actually made up a story about how she works on the other side of the base. He rarely sees her.

Alright, subject dropped and never brought up again.

Fast forward to time to come home. There was more disconnect as the time got closer to him coming home. I just figured that adam was getting busier because he was preparing for coming home. He comes home and kids are excited and I'm happy to have him home but something felt off.

Cue to 30 minutes later and he receives a message from Eve. Asking him if he made it home okay, asking about the kids reaction, expressing disdain about not giving him a proper goodbye and missing him.

Fuck.

Cue asking questions. He blames me for not telling me about the relationship. "Didnt want me giving him shit for it. I didn't want to cause you more stress. It was just a friendship. I knew you didn't like her so I just didn't tell you."

The excuse of why he didn't tell me kept changing. But it was always an assumption of how I would react to excuse his reasoning for hiding it/lying.

I made sure to stay level headed and mature about it. Offered for him to tell me about the extent of the relationship. How far it got. What interactions were had. If there were sexual things that happened. Etc.

Prior to him coming home I had found out he had 2 dating apps he uninstalled from his phone prior to coming home. The conversations over a messaging app they used to speak to each other while overseas was deleted and uninstalled with no way to retrieve the conversation.

As I had more questions, more truth was coming out after needing to ask 4-5 times to be honest, and then he finally would be honest.

He was venting to her about our marriage problems, something's he never even spoke to others about. Even exaggerating things to make them seem more negative than they actually were. He had told her he was going to divorce me over 5 years ago, which I hadn't even known about (I feel like there was an ulterior motive of saying this to her to show her how "broken" his marriage was in hopes of persuing more". Everytime we had an issue, he ran to her and told her about. This is the man that can't even talk to his male cousins/friends about his issues but a female he's known for a few months is getting EVERYTHING so easily. They worked together everyday. They went to the gym together everyday. Hung out outside of work/gym. Spent alone time together watching movies, hanging by the fire, walking her to her room, etc. He would give her small gifts or do extra favors for her to make her life easier. He complimented her several times on her looks/sexual features to her face when they were alone (states because she was fishing for compliments). Text messages I were able to retrieve are flirty in nature on both sides. I even went as far as messaging her to ask the extent of the relationship which was answered with a very generic protected response.

More truths keep coming out as the days go by even when he adamantly states that there is nothing else. But the lies keep stacking up and everytime I start to believe him just a little bit, he lies again. He has even went as far as get frustrated with me about repeating or asking for clarification based off gut feelings/reading his responses. Instead of fessing up, he would gaslight (he states unintentionally).

I have made him get an STD test. Awaiting the results. I don't believe him saying there wasn't more. I want to believe but I don't trust him. I feel betrayed and our marriage disrespected.

We are doing marriage counseling twice a week. I am seeing an individual therapist. Even with all of this, my gut tells me there is still more.

I have not punished him for any of this. I have been super understanding. Trying to figure if I played a part in any of this. Trying to ask what he needs. Trying to see why he is lying. Giving him chance after chance.

We have over 10 years of marriage together and I don't want a divorce but I'm finding it hard to keep it together. I feel the physical affects of it. Not eating much. Dropping weight. No energy. Wanting to sleep all the time. Not interested in the usual things. At one point I even had a panic attack after some more confessions were discussed.

I feel like I'm looking at this through rose colored glasses. Trying to see the best of a shit situation but am also super pessimistic on the actual extent of the relationship and feel like he is with holding still.

I don't believe reaching out to her is an option anymore. Thankfully she has not attempted any more contact as far as I know. I believe she is concerned about the repercussions of her actions and the military's stance on the extent of the relationship. I have not informed his superiors of the relationship but have considered it. I have enough evidence to do so.

I'm not sure what my next step should be and would like outside unbiased advice on things I should try to get him to open up, taking steps in seperation or sticking it out.

He has said if he were me in this situation, he would have left by now. But he said if I tried to leave he would beg me to stay until his knees were bloody and raw.

So, what now? I'm I being too harsh? Am I being too easy on him? Are there things I'm missing out on trying?

TL:DR: husband lied/hid a close emotional relationship with his female supervisor who is an officer. Continues to lie when given opportunities to be honest about the emotional affair. Unsure how to proceed or if I'm being being to harsh/not harsh enough.

Mental, I'm sorry you've joined us here. Take good care of yourself. Keep going to IC. Keep reading and posting.

First thing's first - stop MC immediately. It is a waste of time and money while he is still lying. EAs only stay EAs because there isn't any opportunity for it to be a PA. He almost certainly slept with her and in the off chance he didn't, he probably did sleep with someone from one of those dating apps. Get an STD test for yourself right away and make him take one too.

You can't R without the truth and there's a few ways you can get it or demand it. You can run a data recovery program on his phone and try to get what's deleted. You can make him give you a written timeline and pass a polygraph. Due to the extent of his lies and the fact that there's likely multiple OW during this deployment and maybe even more yet that you don't know about, he is a good candidate for a polygraph.

Remember - ever lie he tells brings you back to square 1 in your healing. You could be years out, learn of a new lie, and be experiencing this level of pain all over again. He must give you the truth before you can move forward. And he must be willing to do that in order to fix himself and turn into a safe partner. He also needs IC and to explore why he did this but it sounds like since he is saying he didn't really cheat, he's not willing to go to IC and IC wouldn't be effective if he won't be honest.

If he won't give you the truth, won't go to IC, won't take FULL responsibility for the A without blaming you, won't answer your questions truthfully without defensiveness, and isn't willing to do whatever needs to be done, you are on a road to divorce. It could be a very long road full of new DDays and more OW depending on what you will allow but eventually you will have had enough or he will be sick of dealing with the damage he caused you and marriage and will leave. So keep that in mind when you tell him what he must do to stay married to you. You have nothing to lose by putting the marriage on the line because the marriage is already gone. He can either build a new one with you based on truth, honesty, and fidelity, or you can separate.

In addition to what has already been recommended you can cut through the Gordian’s knot of his lies in one fell swoop by demanding a detailed written narrative day-by-day timeline of their relationship and any others with other women during his deployment .... and then test the veracity of this timeline by scheduling a polygraph.

He willl shit bricks at the prospect of a polygraph and may well spill his guts before doing it. And that is the point of it. Don’t get into meaningless debates with him about the accuracy of polys. Just make it an ultimatum.

And no you’re not being too harsh. If anything you are doing a version of the pick me dance. He is running the classic combination of an adulterer’s sorry bag of tricks: minimization, DARVO, blameshfiting, gaslighting and trickle truth.

Start the 180 on him. And for yourself read the book “Not Just Friends.”

MentalSeesaw:

Sorry you are here and need to join this club. But you will receive good support. Always value yourself. Fear is a liar. Your WH has shown you he is a cheater. Believe him. You decide what you need moving forward. Get exercise, eat healthy. Keep seeing an IC. You have received good advice for a timeline and polygraph. See an attorney to learn your rights. Start taking steps to protect yourself financially. You ma decide at a later time that his despicable actions are a dealbreaker and file for D. You want to be in a strong position should you split. The one who needs the M the least is in the strongest position. Be vigilant watch his actions. Do not take any blame for his shitty choices. He cheated because he wanted to do it. Plain and simple. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. Good luck.

The MC keeps pressing that I just move on from this and stop bringing it up. Which I am having a hard time doing because I don't feel like he is telling me everything. How do I move on from something I don't know everything about? How is it fair for him to just get to move on without telling the whole truth?

I’m sorry you find yourself in this position; getting through deployments is hard enough, infidelity exponentially more so. I’m sorry to say I think you should tryst yourself if you feel there is much more.

I would strongly consider contacting their chain of command. She’s his supervisor and an officer, who can coerce him or negatively impact his career when things end badly, and they will. Which is why it’s against the rules in the first place. Or she can make up allegations against him for sexual harassment/assault, because she can’t defend herself by saying it was consensual.

That MC needs to be fired now. Rugsweeping and lies will never heal a marriage.

[This message edited by 3greatkids at 3:02 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

The MC keeps pressing that I just move on from this and stop bringing it up. Which I am having a hard time doing because I don't feel like he is telling me everything. How do I move on from something I don't know everything about? How is it fair for him to just get to move on without telling the whole truth?

Mental - read our posts again. NO ONE suggests doing what your MC is suggesting. We are telling you to demand the truth and if you do not get it, you're better off separating from him. You cannot forgive what you do not know and you cannot repair a marriage when he refuses to commit to repairing.

Cancel your MC immediately. What they are telling you to do is called rugsweeping and rugsweeping is a great way to walk a long, lonely, miserable path to D either because you get fed up with him, new DDays, or he decides to leave for an OW. Your MC has no idea what they're talking about so take these ideas - getting over it and moving on without the truth - throw them out a window! They are completely unrealistic when it comes to infidelity. The only way to get over the pain is to work through it. Ignoring it, sticking your head in the sand, and playing pretend is a great way to sign yourself up for years of agony and shock when the truth comes out.

That is the problem with the MC, MentalSeesaw. The marriage is the patient. Too often the betrayed is retraumatized and asked to rugsweep and stick head in sand. If you don't it will be explained to you that you are the problem.

You ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. There are issues in all marriages. They are shared in some proportion. Adultery, EA or PA, is all on the cheater. As other have said, it's doubtful to me that there wasn't more than an EA with being deployed for that long together. Apparently, according to the nooners my WW had with her AP it doesn't take long to have sex and there are lots of convenient places.

What the MC is recommending is called rugsweeping, and it will just lead to further pain and a repeat performance down the road. Don’t do it. As nekonamida advised stop the MC pronto. It is a waste of time and can do more harm than good. MC is to resolve marital problems. The goal is to keep the M viable. You don’t have a marital problem. Your WH has a cheating problem. He should be in IC to figure out how he became so broken as to give himself permission to break his wedding vows and cheat on his W. If he is actively still in his A you need to detach and do the 180. Stop doing things for him. Treat him as you are moving on with your children. He needs to do a written no contact letter that you approve to the OW. Is the OW married? If so her OBS should be notified of the A ASAP. It’s the right thing to do. He deserves to know.

Get tested for STD’s. Run a recovery program on his phone for deleted texts. You need and deserve the truth. If your WH is unwilling to be transparent and won’t answer your questions, you have nothing to work with. Then you decide if you can continue a M full of lies.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:59 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

I would tell your husband that there will be a polygraph for both an EA and a PA.

After those results, unless they are perfect, you will be lodging a formal complaint against that officer's commanding officer.

Or, he can come clean right now.

The MC keeps pressing that I just move on from this and stop bringing it up.

There is near universal consensus here on SI that marital counseling is completely useless and a waste of time and money during or in the wake of any kind of infidelity.

Marital counselors routinely rugsweep, blameshift and pressure the betrayed spouse to do the same. And that's precisely what you're seeing here.

Cancel the MC.

Do IC for yourself instead, preferably with a betrayal trauma specialist.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here.

It is extremely important that you also get tested for STD's as there are a few that aren't testable in men.

It is also extremely unlikely that they didn't get physical.

You cannot reconcile without the truth and you certainly cannot reconcile by sweeping it all under the rug, as your MC appears to be suggesting. Fire that person, yesterday.

Also, read through the Healing Library, yellow box in the top left corner. There's a lot of good information there.

I'm sorry that I am so blunt. Sugar coating just isn't my strong point.

I, personally, would blow it all up with his chain of command. But I am rather enthusiastic about taking the scorched-earth approach. Your best bet would be to consult a lawyer, simply to find out your options and what the best approach might be to protect yourself. I'm not suggesting divorce. I am encouraging you to understand that knowledge is power and will better serve you, going forward.

I'm a bit of a planner when it comes to really important things. I want to be able to have plans and options, which is why I made those suggestions.

Many hugs to you. There is so much support for you here.

Finally, YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE HIM TO CHEAT.

But it was always an assumption of how I would react to excuse his reasoning for hiding it/lying.

Umm...the BS reaction is actually ALWAYS the reason cheaters hide their affairs. Hello!!! Cheaters are really that dumb. They are.

I'm so sorry.

When we started MC (too early or too late) the counselor basically said she was there to help us on the marriage if she could but we should get IC for our own issues.

After 3 or 4 sessions she (the therapist) could tell that my WW had already moved on there was no marriage left and to continue MC was a waste of everyone's time and our money.

This woman was not married. She was a 24 year old single woman who is the very basic of officers, brand new.

She is no longer his supervisor as she was only his supervisor during the deployment. She was the first one to initiate contact with him via text message after deployment but he states that he was the first one to cross the line of unprofessional by venting to her about our marriage issues.

Thank you everyone so far that has replied. I have been looking up polygraph testing in the area and it looks like it will be around $300+. Is this normal range for something of this nature?

And as far as lawyers go, would I reach out to the legal office on base or look for a civilian lawyer to assist with my questions/concerns?

[This message edited by MentalSeesaw at 4:04 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Also, what would be the best retrieval programs/apps to use on an android device?

300-500 is normal for polygraphs. If I were you, I would consider seeing a civilian lawyer first so that word doesn't get back to your WH if anyone he knows sees you there. Consultations are usually free or cheap. If money is a concern, then you might as well see one for free on base.

Don't back down Mental! Trust your gut! Most people around here recommend Dr. FONE.

Even with all of this, my gut tells me there is still more

Your gut is right. I've yet to see a betrayed spouse come here whose gut wasn't right.

You're probably not going to get very good results until you blow this up a bit. Shock and awe, as they say.

That means insisting he write down a narrative timeline of the relationship (s) even if he's lying and then testing that against a polygraph. He'll probably shit his drawers at the prospect, but don't lose your nerve and insist on it.

That means insisting he turn his devices over to you so you can run recovery software like Fonelab on them.

That means canceling marital counseling as a useless joke in the face of infidelity.

That means seeing a divorce attorney and getting separation papers drawn up.

And depending on what your attorney says, that may also mean blowing this sky high with the military and reporting it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:34 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Also, what would be the best retrieval programs/apps to use on an android device?

I believe Fonelab is seen as the best lately for both Android and iOS