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My husband had an emotional affair with an officer while he was

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Thumos posted 12/13/2019 16:36 PM

And as far as lawyers go, would I reach out to the legal office on base or look for a civilian lawyer to assist with my questions/concerns?

As far as divorce, I would reach out to a civilian attorney. Others may have a different opinion. On the reporting of the relationship, I would think you divorce attorney would need to be consulted on timing on that to ensure it doesn't impact a potential alimony or other settlement for you.

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 16:37 PM

I used Dr. Fone to recover a different phone from my wife's and it worked pretty well. I've heard a lot of recent discussion about Fonelab being better.

Stevesn posted 12/13/2019 17:01 PM

Perhaps the LtCmdr who has been an SI poster for a while can chime in when he gets a chance, or others in the military, but if I remember, ANY person of higher rank can get in big time trouble having an affair with ANYONE, whether they are the direct supervisor or not, AND whether that person is in the military or not.

I would call the base (maybe after talking to your lawyer when you decide on one) and ask for the procedure to file an infidelity complaint against one of their officers. Donít take this lightly.

As for your husband, itís time to get real with him. Let him know you have one foot out the door if he is not going to take this infidelity seriously. Itís much easier to work thru infidelity when the betrayed spouse doesnít have to drag the details of what happened out of their wayward partner. Let him know anything you find out on your own will make it exponentially less likely that he will keep you as his wife.

Then tell him to start by ordering ďhow to help my spouse recover from my affairĒ by Linda Macdonald. Itís the first thing he should be reading. Should take him three days at most.

And let him know that if he is Interested in rebuilding he needs to answer all questions about the affair, even repeat ones, without making you feel bad for asking, FOREVER!

Thatís just the start. Donít tell him you plan to file charges against his Affair Partner (AP). Just do it. Let them Investigate. And then donít worry about what happens to them.

If he leaves you because of it, then you dodged a bullet of living the next 50 years with a crappy husband.

His proper response should be ďIím glad you did it, you deserve piece of mind, and what she and I did hurt you terribly and you have the right to file those charges. I will spend my life making up for what I have done. Iíll be begging for your forgiveness daily, monthly, yearly for the rest of our lives. I dont care what happens to her. You are my only concernĒ.

If thatís not what you hear tell him until you feel compassion from him for the pain he has caused and figured out who is important to him in this world he can go be with him or anyone else in the world, except you.

I wish you strength in this difficult time.

3greatkids posted 12/13/2019 17:14 PM

Youíve gotten some good advice. Youíll need a civilian attorney for a divorce, though base legal can give you general guidance as far as the amounts of military pay that would be child support.

As far as reporting them, you could contact either or both of their chain of command, which even if they donít take it serious as far as legal charges, will at the very least order them to knock it off and stay away from each other. Which will go a long way for you finding out the depth and breadth of their affair if one or the other or both violate no contact after such an order.

CatsNTats posted 12/13/2019 17:20 PM

Trying to figure if I played a part in any of this

You played NO part in this. This is on him - and his shitty behavior and what is broken in HIM. Do NOT take any responsibility or blame for you WH adultery. No marriage is perfect. If there is a problem you talk to your spouse. You don't go get your needs met elsewhere.

I'm afraid it sounds like it is a PA. He didn't do all that stuff for and with her and not have sex with this woman.

Please get an STD/STI test done for yourself.

MentalSeesaw posted 12/13/2019 17:49 PM

I have went and got testing done today (could take up to 2 weeks). Legal office on base was closed today by the time I called but I am printing off speration paperwork for my state.

He had compiled a list of lies/hiding/infidelities that he will be giving me tonight. After I read through this list and what I feel should be on there or isn't on there, I will be discussing the polygraph test to see what his response is. If anything more comes out in that time, I will record the conversation for future use if need be in court.

If all else fails, I have the paperwork and will presenting him with it.

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be in a marriage that I can't trust my husband.

In terms of housing. We live on base in housing. I have a job and work great money when I can. I do not want to have to move my children/myself out of this house unless its absolutely needed. They've had enough change in the last year that I would hate to put more change on them immediately. I have a 1 year old and 7 year old. What would be the best route or allowed as far as living on base/making him move/I should move?

NotInMyLife posted 12/13/2019 20:07 PM

The MC keeps pressing that I just move on from this and stop bringing it up.
NO! That's why marriage counselors have such a dismal record and reputation in infidelity treatment circles. Moving on without full disclosure is pretty much guaranteed to result in a false reconciliation. It's like stitching up a wound without clearing debris and washing out sources of bacteria; it leaves the wound vulnerable infection. If you follow the MC's advice, your cheating husband learns how to avoid accountability for his next episode. And yes, without full accountability, he will cheat again.

An MC with actual competence in infidelity would have insisted that he participate in IC with a different counselor. In any case, your husband has demonstrated that he's not ready for MC so stop those sessions immediately. Move ahead with your plans to get out of infidelity, not just rug-sweep it.

You might want to read this story where the betrayed spouse did report it the cheater's command:

3greatkids posted 12/13/2019 20:12 PM

His command could make him move if thereís domestic violence, but sadly, you and the kids will end up out of housing if thereís separation/divorce. Which your husband knew and was willing to do this anyways. Itís awful. And sadly why a lot of people get stuck in bad situations, for housing and health care and financial support.

Do you have any supportive family you can turn to?

MentalSeesaw posted 12/14/2019 01:54 AM

The closest family are 4 hours away so not too bad but not much room for 3. A lot of friends have moved to other bases lately (yay, PCS season!). I could afford being on my own, just hate the thought of putting the girls through another change so quickly.

Smjsome1 posted 12/14/2019 07:23 AM

Hi - Iím a dependent spouse of a retired after 28 years military.

First - it DOES NOT matter if he pressed her, she was the supervising officer. To be an officer she has to know and behave appropriately. So while heís wrong, sheís just as wrong, and technically legally - much more wrong

MC too early is very traumatizing, I remember being very confused by the ďprofessionalĒ just moving on, while I was telling her I felt there was more. Honestly he needs to get his own C

You can talk to a base chaplain, they can help you even if you arenít religious. They know the command, procedures, etc. but my recommendation is a lawyer. And donít do counseling with the chaplain. Thatís just more MC too early.

The polygraph - itís not about the Poly and if itís accurate, itís about his reaction to it. Itís also the best decision I made, because once he wrote out the timeline, once he confronted the truth, he knew he needed help.
Understand that having dating site ads, itís possible this isnít the first time, so make sure thatís a very specific question in the polygraph, and address that with him before he writes the timeline.
I thought I was dealing with one affair. While there was one PA, there were many many more online, sexting, and EAs.

try to find one - you can ask them - try to find one that deals with sexual betrayal.
Tell him - polygraph or move out. That you need a foundation of truth.
He will most likely try to tell you things like
ď how can I be married to someone who makes me do a polygraph - we might as well divorceĒ.
ďPolys arenít accurateĒ.
He may say ďsure, Iíll do one, see if I was lying I wouldnít do itĒ
commonly, they also will dribble out some truths. ďNow Iíve told you everything - why waste the moneyĒ
And the ďparking lotĒ confession - it too will be ďIíve told you everythingĒ
Just donít argue, stand firm with - I hope youíve told me everything, sure they arenít accurate, but I want it and you can move out, or we will have the polygraph.
My IC suggested the polygraph - I was horrified. Till I saw his face in reaction - and I knew he was still lying. I calmly gave him 3 weeks to write the timeline and fess up. I said if he did that and was truthful I could think about working on recovery. And he did, I found out more about my marital history in the first 24 hours. It was enough that I thought I would drown in pain.
So be prepared for that. Maybe consider having your children stay with trusted family or friends for a few days.

Also - a polygraph has to have the right questions to be worthwhile. A polygraph can only tell you about if heís lying about what has happened, it will not stop him lying afterwards.

I am also going to reiterate what another said above - get Into IC for yourself, preferably someone with a background in betrayal trauma.

I hate when people said to me - his A wasnít about you, but it truly wasnt it was about him. There was literally nothing I could have done to prevent it, and literally nothing I could do to make him stop behaving in a wayward manner

The only thing I can control is me, set my boundaries - ie: this is what I need to feel I can stay and work on recovery. If he chooses to disrespect my boundaries, I canít make him not lie, not manipulate, etc, I can only control how I react to that. So I have a plan for what I need to do if he breaks my boundaries.

While he has you worried about losing him, losing the marriage he feels he can still gaslight/control you. You have to come to the decision now that you are worth more, and he needs to prove to you that he deserves a chance.

You are worth more then that. Your children deserve more then that. I am so so sorry you gave to be here in this place with us.

[This message edited by Smjsome1 at 7:57 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

MentalSeesaw posted 12/14/2019 13:47 PM

He has agreed to take the polygraph test. The questions I told him I felt like he was lying about, he said "go ahead and add that to the polygraph test". I told him he will be using his own money either from his investments or selling his tools to pay for the polygraph. He has agreed. He still vehemently denies anything physical. STD/STI checks are still in awaiting results.
I informed him that if anything comes from the polygraph that he has not told me about or confessed, I have 3 things waiting for him. Email to his leadership explaining everything, including his confessions/screenshots/etc. A phone call to his overly religious parents. And divorce/separation papers that I have already filled out.
He stated that nothing else will come out but that he agrees to all of that.
In the mean time, I will slowly start to go through my belongings and downsize/go through things to make moving easier if/when it comes down to it. My older daughter is in school still and has christmas break coming up but I have picked up extra shifts to help save money in the event I will be leaving.
I have looked at the rates he received for being married and I will still meet up with legal/lawyer to figure out what I would receive. Since we have been married close to 11 years now I imagine that he's kind of screwed in that aspect, especially with infidelity involved.
Thank you guys again for your help this far. You guys have been so damn helpful with all of this.

[This message edited by MentalSeesaw at 1:52 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

nekonamida posted 12/14/2019 14:05 PM

Good luck, Mental. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. You've got this.

beenthereinco posted 12/14/2019 14:49 PM

If it comes to it make sure to get an attorney that has gone through this with a military spouse. You'll have a claim on a portion of his retirement I think. Also talk to the attorney about all of this as you think of exposure. It might be better for retaining benefits for your children if he stay in the military and for you on alimony and retirement if he stay in the same rank. Getting him busted or discharged might feel satisfying but it might also hurt you in the long run.

NotInMyLife posted 12/14/2019 14:49 PM

MentalSeesaw: You are on the right path. Talk to the polygraph examiner before you decide on the questions. It isn't an open ended interview, you get a set number of questions with no spontaneous followup.

Also, even if passes the polygraph you need a realignment of your counseling. He has to be in individual counseling to and you should switch to a couples counselor who actually specializes in betrayal/infidelity.

Keep up with what you are doing and stay strong.

HouseOfPlane posted 12/14/2019 15:07 PM

I'm ex-military.

You should feel free to go fangs-out at the superior officer. Nothing your WH did could justify her actions, and her leadership needs to know just who it is that works for them. The only right thing for her would have been to say, "Keep it professional, soldier" If she is really brand new and nothing much happened, it will be a teachable moment she won't forget. Don't $%^& with a spouse.

He still vehemently denies anything physical.
You just need to calmly remind him that he is proven liar now, and so *everything* he says is open to questioning, from "is it supposed to rain" to "did you have sex with your boss".

Totally agree that MC is worse than neutral right now, since your WH is unrepentant and desperately trying to shove the genie back in the bottle. Your WH will likely turn MC into a 2 on 1 situation.

Sending strength!

NotInMyLife posted 12/14/2019 21:20 PM

He still vehemently denies anything physical.
When you sit down to with the polygraph examiner to compose your questions, be sure to avoid vague terms like "physical". Do not let him hide behind intercourse; making out, heavy petting, cuddling, oral, are all physical and should be specifically included.

3greatkids posted 12/14/2019 21:26 PM

You sound very strong and like you are proceeding getting all your ďducks in a rowĒ so to speak. I wish you the best, and the strength to continue on this path as you continue to follow through.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/14/2019 22:08 PM

MentalSeesaw, when was your d-day?

I am just wondering why you are in such a rush? You have time. Take your time. I know we want to know where we are going and what we are doing, but I also feel (and it could just be the way I am reading your posts) it seems like you are on hyper speed. Slow down, take a breath, feel your feels and give yourself time to process. If you didn't have children, I wouldn't be so concerned, but you do and that makes a difference.

I had the same issue with our MC. Telling me to move on. You need to tell the MC what you need. You tell the MC that you will not be moving forward anytime soon until you are satisfied that you have the the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Tell the MC that he/she works for you and this is what you want. If they want to help heal your marriage this is what they will do to help you heal your marriage and that is to get your WH to tell the whole unvarnished truth. Period.

As far as reporting the officer, is a "friendship" considered fraternization? I am asking, I don't know. I am just wondering if there isn't any proof of sexual interactions if this is something that they will want to know about? I think it was wrong, inappropriate and totally unprofessional but would the military?

PolkadotTulip posted 12/15/2019 19:45 PM

Mental, I am so, so sorry for what your WH has and is putting you through. You are getting the best advice and have found an incredible resource here on SI. I mostly lurk, but my blood pressure regarding 'Officer OW' is off the charts.

Their excuse for the affair starting was he complained about his marriage before they left, before she was even his CO?? A competent Officer (no matter how attracted she was to the Enlisted person) should have told him: Sorry to hear. Talk to the Chaplain, family or friends, or TriCare Mental Health department for an IC or MC. Any further discussion would be inappropriate, good luck/good bye.

You as much as anyone understands Combat readiness and the importance of every active duty member being at their best. This woman is not, and a risk in so many ways! So if you feel uncomfortable reporting her for a personal reason, do it because her Command needs to know they have an Officer with poor boundaries and morals,who will likely repeat her behaviour again with another married man.

Disciplinary action against her isn't simply retaliating on your part (through it feels pretty great ) but clearly she needs enormous remedial training in her Officer protocols.

Do not tell your husband when/if you report her! He is still in the Fog. (Ugh, this guy! You have extended him so much grace and understanding.) If possible, can you take your evidence and talk to your Chaplain and see if he is able to make the report?

You & your family are in my prayers, if that is OK with you.

[This message edited by PolkadotTulip at 7:48 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Carissima posted 12/15/2019 20:49 PM

If they spent as much time together during the deployment as he's admitted to, I would bet money on it being noticed by both enlisted and officers. Someone's covering for them in that command!

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