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He wants a second chance now???

Healing2012 posted 12/14/2019 10:51 AM

I'm not sure if this is the best place to post, but it was my best guess. My ex has been inviting me to do stuff with him a d pur son lately. I decline. Last night I finally addressed the situation.

He's looking for any inkling of a possible second chance. I said that I don't ever see that happening. Not the strongest language. I'm a wimp, not wanting to hurt feelings. I started explaining that if he were in my shoes, he'd see things differently. I knew that was the wrong thing to say. I know there's no convincing a wayward spouse to do that. Of course he said he'd give me a chance!

Does anyone have any more assertive language I can use to tell him? I don't want to go down the path of digging up our relationship. I worked damn hard in therapy to get where I am today!

I also think he's taking advantage of my current emotional state since my dad died last year.

Why am I such a wimp?

Thanks in advance!!

CatsNTats posted 12/14/2019 11:04 AM

Tell him he had his second chance after DDay #1. His first chance was to be a good, honest, loving husband when he married you. His second chance was you sticking around after DDay 1, third chance Dday 2.

3 strikes - you're out.

Chili posted 12/14/2019 11:06 AM

Oh boy. Well - if you're sure the door is closed than I wouldn't talk at all about him being in your shoes or anything else like that.

I would be firm and end those types of discussions. If you want to be civil, you could say something like "That door has closed between us and I don't wish to discuss it further, but we can be great parents to this child."

Worrying about his hurt feelings? I'm more worried about your hurt feelings with him poking at this second chance stuff. It's a little manipulative - is he trying to get a green light from you or something so he can bring his game? Or is he just trying to make himself feel better by seeing if you would still want him? I don't get a warm fuzzy from it for you.

Firm. Concise. Clear. Those are my recommendations! (My own language might be a little ummmm...more colorful, but we each have our own voices as it were). You are not a wimp.

Healing2012 posted 12/14/2019 11:40 AM

That door is shut, locked, and boarded up!

He is manipulative and moody when he doesn't get his way. He's what I would consider a charmer (note I didn't say charming!) - I'd see that from afar with the AP as well as women he dated after we separated and divorced.

I like both responses: He's already had multiple chances; the door is closed and don't want to discuss it again. It all sounds so easy!

Thank you both so much!

ashesofkali posted 12/14/2019 11:41 AM

He's looking for any inkling of a possible second chance. I said that I don't ever see that happening. Not the strongest language. I'm a wimp, not wanting to hurt feelings. I started explaining that if he were in my shoes, he'd see things differently. I knew that was the wrong thing to say. I know there's no convincing a wayward spouse to do that. Of course he said he'd give me a chance!

He'll give you a chance?! Har. You gotta be kiddin' me.

First off, Healing2012: You're not a wimp. You're healing. When we're healing, we're getting stronger but we're still vulnerable. I suspect your XH knows that on some level, and that's why he's doing this now – he wants to catch you while you're still vulnerable, b/c he can see you're about to level up and then you'll be out of his reach.

Maybe you didn't use the strongest language ever, but you stood up for yourself. Way to go, sister. You didn't agree to give him a second chance and you offered him an opportunity to understand why. Sounds like you're not at your final destination yet, but you're making progress. Booyah.

As far as hurt feelings: It might do him good to experience that. Maybe he'll grow as a person if he learns what it's like to be the one who gets hurt.

Finally, you asked for "more assertive language" you could use to tell him all this. This is just another BW's perspective, but I'd suggest silence. Don't say a damn thing. Don't dignify his bullshit with a response. Your lack of communication on the topic can communicate to him that you already know he's not worth it.

Hugs to you. Be strong. You got this.

EvenKeel posted 12/16/2019 13:41 PM

One of my favorite learns on SI is that 'no' is a complete sentence.

You don't owe him any explanation of the 'whys'. I found that to be my biggest struggle - trying not to have to explain when I said no. All that does is open stuff up to discussion. Which is exactly what you are trying to avoid.

Why am I such a wimp?
You are not alone.

Adlham posted 12/16/2019 20:27 PM

I'm with EvenKeel.

"No" is a complete sentence and answer.

You don't owe him anything beyond that.

StillLivin posted 12/18/2019 19:09 PM

My X said this BS over the phone. The best way to deal with it is to laugh in his face, or over the phone (in my case) and then walk away (I hung up still lmao at him).

DashboardMadonna posted 12/18/2019 19:54 PM

Hmmm so many ways to be creative...lol is this rhetorical?

Sticking with lady-like:

That's nice

Thank you, I'm flattered you think of me (for once)

"I cut my foot and my shoe is filling up with blood" (Romney and michelle)

"GREASE FIRE!"

Flush the toilet and promptly hang up...

Healershaman posted 12/19/2019 06:17 AM

I said,

You had your chance. Like you tell the children ... your choices and actions have consequences. You have to live with your choice now. I'm going forward with my life, not back the life we shared and you destroyed.

staystrong101 posted 12/19/2019 20:00 PM

My ex WH tried this for awhile during the D process and after. He’d invite to movies, concerts etc when he was taking the kids, My response every time was the same “no thank you, I have plans.” I never told him my plans (and my plans might’ve been to stay home and watch TV!) but I also wanted to V Ed polite. But I also wasn’t to act like a happy couple/family after he chose to destroy it. You can be firm and still be polite, how about just saying “no thank you.”

Lalagirl posted 12/20/2019 11:51 AM

Of course he said he'd give me a chance!

Does anyone have any more assertive language I can use to tell him?

I would have no words because I would be laughing so hard I could not form any!

Wow...he's a peach <insert sarcasm here>

Seriously, though, I agree with the posters who suggested silence. It speaks volumes.

((((Healing2012))))

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/27/2019 08:57 AM

Is he is manipulative, which it sounds like he is from your post, the best answer is the shortest end most direct answer. I agree with NO

It is the same answer every time he asks. No

I have learned the hard way that short and sweet end consistent is the key.

HappyTree posted 12/27/2019 09:55 AM

If you were on a date with someone and they told you that they cheated on their wife and was a total jerk to them afterwards, would I want to continue dating that person? Nope. Based on how my ex treated me the last few years, I would never want him back.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/27/2019 10:24 AM

Wow seeing the dates you list in your signature, he's had a few chances already.

I can't help but wonder if he would be thinking this way years later if you didn't share a child. Probably not, so I think it's just he's lonely and you're available.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:25 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Chaos posted 12/27/2019 13:04 PM

Does anyone have any more assertive language I can use to tell him?

Sure. It's short, sweet and to the point. Ready:

HELL NO!

Note: You can substitute FU*K for HELL and/or add it after

Then hang up or walk away leaving him with his jaw dropping and a trail of glitter in your wake.

J707 posted 12/29/2019 11:16 AM

I'm a smart ass and one the hardest things for me has been holding back a quick sarcastic punchline to the ex.

If she was to say this to me, I would start laughing so hard. Once I caught my breath I would say "That's a good one" or "I don't date cheaters" or "You don't deserve someone like me"

Honestly the best response is no response, the sound of silence. Or this

One of my favorite learns on SI is that 'no' is a complete sentence.

No explanation needed

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